Saturday, 29 June 2013

First week as a working mum

So I had a feeling it would be some time before I felt I had enough energy to come back to you guys, and I wasn't wrong. So first before I get to the point of today's post, a quick update on the little things that have happened this week.

Miss K got over her gastro after about five days. We only had spewing for three of those days, and yuck nappies for another day. She has now been clever enough to catch a cold on my first day off, so I've been dealing with snot these past three days, which while still gross is a lot easier on my sensitive gag reflex. Her dad has split up with his girlfriend and moved back to his mother's house in Melbourne, (no huge surprises there, I've been predicting this would happen for about 2 weeks now.) so we're back to square one when it comes to his visits. We missed speech therapy last week, because of her stomach bug, but we were back again this week and she is improving with such speed it is wonderful to watch. I now need to go out and buy her a few jigsaw puzzles, because she played with some at speech therapy and was so good at it, I feel it's something we need to bring into the house. Miss K is also adjusting brilliantly to spending so much time at her aunty's house, possibly because she has so much fun there. This week alone they went toy shopping, visited my nephew's kindergarten and went to a cafe for lunch. There have been no tantrums when I leave for work, no tears or clinging or anything negative at all. I get a wave and a kiss and she returns to playing. It has definitely made returning to work a lot easier that she is so OK with me not being around all the time. Also knowing that she is in the best place possible means I don't spend the day worrying if she is OK. Of course this week may be different given she is unwell, but I've already been reassured that a sticky green nose isn't a problem.

Now on to the point of today's post. I've been back at work for three days now, and when I thought about going back to work, I always thought the hardest part of the whole process would be leaving Miss K behind. It turns out that was the easiest part. I know I should be going easy on myself as I've been out of the workforce for three years now, but I suck at my job. It has been so long since I've been this bad at my work and it feels terrible. Once upon a time I used to put a lot of stock into the fact that I could learn new jobs fairly quickly, which made being a temp worker a breeze. In fact the first time I got this job it started as a temporary assignment when one of their secretaries up and quit very quickly, and I was so good at the job she asked me to stay on once the contract was finished. It was probably a huge risk for her, given I had next to zero experience working in a solicitor's office, but she gave me the chance and I was grateful for it.

Well she's taken another huge risk taking me back again, for several reasons. The first being the last time I worked there I unceremoniously quit after 6 months, staying only long enough to train a new secretary to take my place, and two I've spent the last three years ignoring the many things I've learnt while working over the past ten years in lieu of tea parties and dirty nappies. And I'm paying for it now. I don't remember where they keep all the legal documents, I can't remember the process for filing things with the court, I had forgotten the security pass for the front door and locked myself out the first day I was there, and I am so very, very slow at completing my work right now. When I left there the last time, I was able to get through a basket of dictation in a day. This week it took me three days to get through a basket. But on the plus side I started a second basket on Wednesday, and managed to get through almost half of it by the end of the day. So I guess you could say I'm getting better, but it's going to take quite some time to get back to my former quality of work. Luckily for me my boss is completely understanding of my position, and is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to what I am able to do (or will be able to do eventually.) It just means that for now she checks absolutely everything I do before she allows it to leave the office, which I am totally fine with.

So we are back to playing the wait and see game. I now have to wait and see how long it takes to get good at this job again, I have to wait and see if Miss K is going to be as happy to be left at her favourite aunty's house for three days in a row this week, and I have to wait and see if my big sister finally comes to her senses and realises that my darling daughter is Dennis the Menace in disguise and decides to start pretending she's not at home whenever we come over first thing in the morning. But in the mean time I do have to say how very grateful I am that I have so many people around who are so happy to turn their lives upside down so that I can get what I want. Especially my big sister and her whole family, who have suddenly become cured of any last hints of cluckiness in the past week. There is not a bunch of flowers big enough to say how thankful I am for their help.

photo courtesy of
Would a field of flowers be enough? probably not.

Friday, 21 June 2013

How to deal with a spewy toddler

Hello again you fine ladies and gentlemen, you'll have to excuse my latest absence from the blogging world, but I have been up to my armpits in partially digested stomach contents since Monday, so I decided you lovely people had to be put on the back burner for a few days until Miss K got over her gastro. Now every single time I have ever encountered gastroenteritis in the past 29 years, it has always been a 24 hour lurgy. One whole day of misery and discomfort, followed by a few days spent recovering from the horror that is seeing everything you eat come back at you in technicolor. But Miss K likes to shake things up and keep me on my toes, so we've had 3 days of vomiting, followed by one day of me jumping every time she so much as twitched strangely. I also learned thanks to Miss K's Nonna, as well as Nurse on Call and one of our local doctors, that gastro doesn't always last a mere 24 hours. I've been helpfully told that it can go for as long as ten days. That's a lot of vomit.

Well this whole week has been one giant learning curve for me, as this is the first time I've ever had to care for a child with gastro, so I have decided because I am just such a kind and giving person that I needed to share my new found knowledge with you guys. If there is anyone out there who is yet to have a child (one of my good friends Kelly is due to pop very soon, if she hasn't already so this may be hugely helpful for her) then this may help you guys to avoid making the same mistakes I did this week. So grab a pencil and a notepad, and make sure you haven't eaten anything too heavy before reading this, because it gets pretty yucky.

1. Don't wear your finest clothes for a while

This is a big one. You will get vomited on. Several times if you're lucky. So you're going to need to make sure you leave your dry clean only clothes in the closet until the infection is well and truly out of your house. Stick to dark colours, something that is easy to rip off while you are dealing with a screaming child that is also covered in vomit would also be helpful. Oh and a nice thick jumper probably wouldn't hurt as it can help prevent seepage into undergarments. Just saying.

2. Don't worry about trying to get them to the toilet in time

This one took me two whole days to learn. My first instinct when someone is doing a faithful recreation of that scene from the exorcist is to try to get them to the toilet or at least a basin as fast as possible. The problem with this is small children lack the ability to hold it in until you get them to an appropriate receptacle, meaning that you'll probably end up with a clean toilet, but a nice long trail of vomit (or poop) for you to clean up. After I spent two days mopping every non carpeted floor in the house, and disinfecting every carpet in the house I started just carrying a bucket around with us. It saved a lot of time and cleaning.

3. Learn a few shortcuts to make this time easier

If you've got a kid with long hair, put it in plaits for a few days. Put a towel over their pillow to make cleaning up a bit easier. Put them in clothes that are easy to remove without spreading their entire digestive system over the rest of their body in the process. Place buckets strategically around the high traffic areas to save having to scramble for one at the last minute. It is the little things like this that will make dealing with stomach catastrophes easier to cope with.

4. Take any help that is offered to you

Now I don't know about you, but I feel guilty making other people clean up my daughter's spew. But the time it took to completely deal with a mess when I was alone compared to the time it took when I had helpers was a lot longer, and more stressful. On the plus side I was less embarrassed about mopping our floors and doing laundry in my underpants, until I remembered that it was pitch black outside, and I hadn't shut our laundry blinds, so if my neighbors were the spying kind, they would have seen everything. I'm going to assume that given that I haven't been presented with any bills for psychiatric counseling this week that no one was looking, but I'm still checking the mail every day just to make sure.

5. Don't feel ashamed if the little things get forgotten for a few days

So when you're dealing with sick children, you tend to get a lot of extra work piled on to your already giant to do list. There's the extra laundry, extra cleaning, extra hugs and kisses needed, extra fluids to hand out and lots of time spent worrying. If you can't be bothered cooking a three course meal for every healthy family member during this time, then don't. If you decide to stock your freezer with microwave meals and tell them to figure it out for themselves, more power to you. Now I can say with great happiness that I do not have a huge mess waiting for me once Miss K is completely healthy again, but that is only because I had mum here keeping the place clean, as well as my beautiful big sister who made her kids help tidy up the lounge room every day this week while they were visiting us. My laundry and Miss K's are only completely up to date because Miss K decided to test the stain resistance of every item we wore this week, so I had to keep on top of the washing so we didn't descend into total nudity before the end of the first day. Everything else was at the back of my mind.

6. Try not to spend too much time worrying

This is a hard one. Like I said at the very beginning, gastro can last up to ten days. That could mean ten days of freaking out because your darling little one is ill. It's a horrible bug, and it will knock the stuffing out of them, but they will survive it and so will you. I have almost cried every single day this week just from exhaustion and concern. I hate seeing my baby so sick, and I hate the feeling of being thrown up on. I hate having to refuse to give Miss K milk because you can't give a sick kid dairy (and Miss K loves her dairy products.) and I hate not being able to take her pain away the most. But today she almost had her old sparkle back in her eyes. She was playing almost like normal again, to the point where she was frog hopping around the doctor's surgery while we were waiting for him. It's been four long days since I've seen the old Miss K, but she is slowly (so very, very slowly) coming back to me, and we are almost at the end of this awful infection. And despite the sleepless nights and long days, we have both survived. But I'm sure I'll still be a twitchy nervous mess for another few days. I seriously hate vomit.

Well that's all from the quarantine for now, I'm off to get some well deserved sleep, and I think Miss K and I are going to tempt fate tomorrow morning by giving her a glass of milk. Her first one in four days, but I promised her today if she made it through an entire day without throwing up, we could start eating dairy again, and frankly, I think she's earned it.

Image courtesy of
 Is it sad that this is our reward?

Stay awesome everyone and I'll be back again soon hopefully.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

June Secret Subject Swap

Hello again my lovelies, and welcome back to yet another Secret Subject Swap. I am a part of Take Two of the June Secret Subject Swap (because this stuff is just so awesome it can't be contained in a single week) along with 11 other wonderful bloggers.

Secret Subject Swap
So for any of you who are unfamiliar with this series, what happens is that 12 brave bloggers each submit a secret subject for another person to write about, and in return they are given a secret subject to write a blog on. Then we all simultaneously post our blogs at the same time (or if you're like me and still can't figure out time zones, you post an hour late.)

So without further ado, let me introduce to you the other 11 lovely bloggers who you absolutely must check out once we're finished here.

So today my subject to discuss is "Describe the worst nightmare you have ever had and what you think your subconscious was trying to relay...if anything" and it was submitted by Akashic Aisles The Basement View

Ok so you are all going to think I'm crazy by the end of this post, because my family certainly does when I tell this story, which I do often for some reason. I've had lots of nightmares over the years, mostly bog standard stuff; people dying, getting lost, losing all of my clothes and having to walk around naked. But the only nightmare that has stuck with me my entire life was the most bizarre dream I have ever had, and not only that, it was a recurring nightmare. I call it The Onion Rain!!!

So the premise behind the dream was pretty simple. We were about to be hit with a freak storm of Onion Rain. With this rain, anyone who got hit by it would fly into the air and then flip around and come back down to earth upside down. Once you landed on the ground you were stuck upside down with your head buried in the earth like an onion. (Now given that I was in primary school at the time that this dream started, I have no idea how I knew how onions grew.) Mum and dad were madly rushing around trying to prepare for the storm, closing all the windows and blinds, making sure we had enough food to last us till the rain stopped, calling my grandma and making sure she stayed inside. All us kids were helping out too and it was all pretty scary. We were told that the rain was coming and we had about five minutes to get inside to safety before it would hit us. That was the point at which I remembered I'd left my bike in the front yard, and I had to bring it in to the bike shed quickly. There were probably two reasons for this, number one we were NEVER allowed to leave toys in the front yard, and if we did we would get into all sorts of trouble, and two; I didn't want my bike to turn into an onion. 

So I figured I had about five minutes to get into the front yard, grab my bike and take it to the shed halfway down the back yard. I started sprinting to the yard, got to my bike and that's when the rain decided to come. Four freaking minutes early dammit! I vividly remember the feeling of those first cold drops of rain, and the terror that rushed through me. Then before I knew it I was flying into the air above our rooftop, only to flip upside down and watch the earth rise up to meet me. I landed with my head firmly buried in the ground and my legs flailing around madly as I tried to free myself from being an onion. And that's the point where I wake up. Why I can't wake up before I become an onion I'll never know but damn that is one freaky dream. Especially when you're six and too young to understand that there is no such thing as onion rain. As you can tell, the dream has stuck with me, despite the fact that it hasn't returned since primary school.

As for what my subconscious was trying to tell me, I can only speculate now, but I have a few theories. It could have been telling me that life is fleeting, and I need to make sure I am truly prepared for what the future is going to throw at me, or it could have been saying that our environment is a delicate thing which needs to be respected in order to stop catastrophic disasters from happening. Or it could have been telling me that I need to take better care of my belongings otherwise I'll turn into an onion.

Now in the interests of science (or because Miss K is having a nap and I'm super bored right now) I actually found a dream interpreter and have looked up the symbols behind each of the important parts of the dream.

Onions represent the multitude of layers you need to get through in order to unveil what is really underneath. They may mean a revelation.
Getting rained on represents getting cleaned from your troubles and problems
To see a bike in your dream means that you need to devote more time to leisurely pursuits. (what part of a six year old's life isn't devoted to leisurely pursuits?)
To dream of a disaster means that you are anxious and fear change.

So it appears that I was pretty deep for a six year old. I now think that my dream was telling me that I needed to realize that change is nothing to fear, because they say that change is as good as a holiday, and according to myself, I needed a damn good holiday to get rid of my troubles and strife. How's that for interpretation?

Well now that I have relived one of my biggest childhood horrors, I'm off to throw out every single onion in the house  and lock myself in the basement. Be sure to check out the rest of the bloggers posting their subjects today, I promise you now you won't be disappointed.


Oh I also almost totally forgot that today, as well as being the most awesome day of the month because it's Secret Subject Swap day is also Karen from Baking in a Tornado's one year blog anniversary. (I was going to say blogiversary but that just sounds so wrong.) So to Karen, happy anniversary, congratulations to making it a year without going crazy coming up with new awesome recipes to share with us every week, and thank you for helping to bring together some of the most wonderful writers I have ever had the privilege to work with. Here's to you and many more years of success.

Image courtesy of
Sorry, I started celebrating without you. That's me in the blue shirt and party hat.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Gainfully employed

Ok so I have actually been sitting on this news for over 12 hours now, but I had to make sure I told all the important people in person before shouting it out over the internet, but I have a job! I got the call at 9:30 this morning letting me know. So apologies to all of you who have been sitting here all day waiting for the good news.

Now I don't know if any of you believe in serendipity, or karma, or even guardian angels, but someone was certainly looking out for me today, because I got the three days work I asked for, a higher salary offer than I could have hoped for, and a week and a half to prepare for my return to work. Apparently the person they were interviewing after me was happy having two days work per week, and was also happy to take the days I didn't want, so I still get to attend all of Miss K's group therapy sessions, and I can still schedule doctors appointments, eye specialist appointments and any other appointments so that I can attend them all. Can anyone else say super psyched?? And also, thanks to having the best big sister in the world, I don't have to ship Miss K off to daycare, as she will be taken care of in the comfort of her favourite aunty's house surrounded by people she knows, loves and trusts. It all just seems too good to be true.

I'm still nervous as all hell, as this is something I've never ever even thought of trying before, and there is still so much that the next few months hold that I can't even prepare myself for, because I don't know what is going to happen. All I can do is hope that Miss K copes with the transition to being babysat three days a week, and I cope with being separated from her for the longest time I have ever tried since she was born. I've not admitted to anyone that my biggest fear is missing my baby. Not that she won't cope without me, not that she'll forget me, but that I won't cope without her. I know I complain about how hard being a mum is, and I roll my eyes occasionally when she starts whinging at me for drinks, but truth be told I need that little girl just as much as she needs me. As demanding as she is, and as weird as she is at times, (and trust me, Miss K has the market cornered in weird.) my baby is the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. (Mainly because before she was born I used to sleep in until lunch time, but let's not split hairs here.)

So wish me luck guys, because I'm going to need it. Especially when it comes to remembering that adult's don't appreciate it as much as kids do when you spontaneously start dancing around like an idiot.

Image courtesy of
They also don't appreciate spandex, but then again who does?

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Cautious optimism

Hello again everyone and welcome to my lair. For anyone who has been waiting with baited breath since my last post, my job interview was today. Given my long history with this solicitor I knew it would be the most relaxed interview I'd ever been to, and I was not wrong. Of course that doesn't mean it wasn't a job interview, I still had to answer questions, (including that awful one I always get asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?") You could say given how well I knew the women who were interrogating me, it would have been an easy interview. Well it was, but at the same time it wasn't.

You see this woman has worked with me before, so she knows what I'm like. She knows that I love to talk, I don't handle yelling very well, and I can fall to pieces fairly easy. So when I get asked a question like "If a client calls up and yells at you, are you going to call me on my day off in tears again crying because you can't cope?" it's a bit hard to put my best face forward. (And yes I really did do that the last time I worked there.)

Basically it was my job today to prove to her that I wasn't too rusty from being out of work for over three years, and also that I have grown and matured enough to be able to cope with the high stress of working for a divorce solicitor. The rusty part was easy to prove. You see one of my most appealing skills as a secretary was my typing speed. Thanks to my dad forcing me to learn touch typing when I was 11 I can type fast enough to take dictation well. So I'm pretty sure that's one of the reasons she hired me the first time. Today I had to type out a dictated letter for her, and I know for a fact I aced that part of the interview. Apparently I was the first person to have gotten 100% on the typing test, but I did have an advantage there given I'm familiar with her work.

As for reassuring her that I've grown, matured and am ready to come back to work, I think I did that too. In her words I'm the most ideal candidate so far, the only problem is I don't really want to work full time. That's really not a problem for her, the problem for her is whether or not she can find someone else willing to job share with me. Of course I told her that if it came to it, I'd be prepared to go back to work full time, even temporarily at this stage, but I don't know for how long. Already I need an hour off every Thursday for  Miss K's speech therapy group, then there will be optometrists appointments, eye specialist appointments, other family emergencies I'm sure, you get the picture. Already I have been given the impression that taking a day off because Miss K has a cold is unacceptable, but I totally understand why. The thing I need to figure out is how much am I prepared to put to the side in the name of work.

I'm getting this job for Miss K's sake (as well as my own). I'm doing it so that we can have a nice life, full of nice things and no stress about whether to pay the bills or buy food this week. But can I really say it's for Miss K's sake if she goes without her mum when she really needs her, so that I can go out and play with the big people all day? I guess I won't really know for certain until it happens, but I can tell you now, this would be a huge learning experience for me. One I hope I'm ready for. Already I learned today that she cannot be bribed with wine and chocolate, so that's always good to know for future reference. (Yes I did offer a bribe, no I wasn't serious, yes she knows I was joking.)

So now I play the waiting game. I should hear something by the end of the week, so for anyone who knows me, don't be surprised if I spend the next three days jumping every time the phone rings. Hopefully very soon you'll be reading the work of a working mum. Or I'll fall completely off the map being too exhausted to even think straight and you guys might need to send out a search party. Either way we'll have fun.

Wish me luck...

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Am I completely insane?

Hello again wonderful people that make up my audience, I am back again. I've had a nice little break from writing (actually it was terrible. I missed writing and I missed talking with you guys) but fear not because the holiday is over and I finally have something to say. First of all I have been very relieved over the past few days of stalking reading other blogs online to find out I have not been the only one filled with blog ennui (otherwise known as writers block). For any of my fellow bloggers in Australia, I have a feeling it is the onset of winter that has us feeling uninspired and full of meh. I spend my days enviously reading all of my American blogs filled with summer activities and warm weather and I just want to pack my bag and move north. But given I have a job interview on Tuesday any plans to move will have to be put on hold for now.

That's right, a job interview. I thought I'd just sneak that one in and see if you guys noticed. Once upon a time, (or in 2007 if my old resume is anything to go by) I used to work for a local solicitor as one of her secretaries. The work was fast paced and pretty challenging for someone who hadn't done anything like dictation or writing up legal documents before, but the thing that made me quit was all the horrible stories I heard while working there. There's nothing like listening to everyone's divorce and custody stories to put you in a bad mood every single day. So I quit the job after 6 months and moved to Melbourne to work in yet another call centre. (I can't remember exactly how many call centre's I've worked in, but needless to say it's a lot.) Well fast forward 5 years to when I'm going through my own custody battle, and the only solicitor I wanted to represent me was my former boss. Given I had insider's knowledge to how she works, I knew that she was my best bet for ensuring that Miss K's needs were the main consideration in any custody agreements.

Well we never ended up going to court or even writing up any custody agreements, and Miss K's dad and I ended up sorting everything out on our own, but I did learn from my solicitor that a job would be coming up in her office soon. She told me the job was mine if I wanted to come back, and to my surprise I said yes. Well this was over 7 months ago, and I never heard anything more about it so I put it out of my mind and went back to being a full time mum. On Thursday of this week mum was reading the local paper, and spotted a job ad for my solicitor's office. She told me to call her, but given the ad only gave her postal address and email, I ended up emailing one of the secretaries and asked to be considered for the job. Well less than 12 hours after I sent the email I got a call asking to come in on Tuesday next week. I don't know if this means I've got the job and she wants to discuss starting times etc, or she just wants to do a formal interview in the interest of fairness to all candidates, but just quietly I am soiling my pants at the thought of either prospect.

Not that I'm scared of job interviews, I've had my fair share over the past 11 years, and although not every one of them ever resulted in a job, I have learned over the years how to cruise through them. No, my real fear is that I actually have the job. Now I know that I can do the job, and if I stick around long enough I'll actually be sent off for proper training, but I don't know what going to work will do to me and Miss K. Anyone who has been here for a while will know that I am a big advocate for stay at home mums. However I have known since the beginning that the time would come where I have to return for work. Sadly for me the time has come sooner than I had hoped, as money is nothing more than a rumor around here these days, and with Miss K needing specialist appointments for her eyes, plus therapy for her speech and motor skills, we are struggling to keep our heads above water at the moment.

When I was younger, I had always dreamed of finding the perfect job where I jumped out of bed every morning looking forward to spending the next 8 hours at work. Sadly after 11 years of working (and not working) I am more realistic about what to expect from a job, and know that there is no such thing as the perfect job. I will never look forward to working, and even though there will be good days and bad days, the purpose of work is really for money, and not any kind of personal fulfillment. The work here will be hard, and I will earn every single dollar that I make, but my solicitor takes good care of her staff, and because of her incredible work ethic and knowledge she is never short of clients. (That and divorce is too easy these days.)

But what about my other job? The one that I'll have till the day I die. Miss K is the reason I'm applying for this job, and she will be what most of the money will be spent on, but what is my absence going to do to her? The shortest answer is I don't know, and I won't know until it happens. I know I'll miss so much while at work, and it is part of the trade off for being financially secure, but it just feels so cold to dump her on someone else while I go and play with the big people all day. I am lucky to have a wonderful family who have agreed to help me with taking care of her while I'm at work, so hopefully we won't have to put her in daycare at this stage. That is a small form of relief, because at least I know that while I'm not around she'll still be surrounded by everyone else that she loves and trusts, and she'll get the best care possible. But it also brings up the concern that we are being a burden on my family. Of course they'd tell me I'm being stupid right now, but I can't help but feel this way.

But all of this is just speculation for now, because like I said I still don't know if I have this job. Right now a more pressing concern is the fact that I've been out of work for 3 years now, so my corporate wardrobe is non-existent. So if you'll excuse me I'm off to raid every wardrobe in my family for something to wear. Wish me luck and I'll be back again soon.

Image courtesy of
I'm assuming this is still inappropriate wear for a job interview yes?

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Post traumatic memories

Hi all, I promise I'm still here and I definitely do still love you guys. I don't even have any real excuses why I haven't been around lately. I can't say I've been super busy traveling around the world  or turning my child into the next Einstein or even cooking seven course meals full of healthy foods I can't even pronounce. (Although I did scald my finger while cooking frozen peas and corn today so does that count?) I guess I have just been struggling to find anything interesting to say to you guys, and I'd rather keep quiet for a few days rather than post inane crap for the sake of posting.

So first I'll do a quick update of what's been going on at la casa sanity this week, I turned 29, Miss K and I took a trip to visit Nonna, I finished another subject at school and am now taking a leisurely 2 weeks off before my next unit is available for study and Miss K is finally using 2 words at a time when she talks. We finished a round of group development therapy and we start a new round next week and Miss K's dad moved down here to be with us and his new girlfriend. (And his new girlfriend's absolutely gorgeous little boy who I totally want to steal. But I'm not clucky.)

But it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows lately, and today I'm actually here to talk about something that still makes me uncomfortable to discuss publicly, despite the fact that this story is 2 years old now. Sadly it keeps rearing its head at the most unexpected of times, and I feel powerless every time it happens. So I know I have mentioned it several times over the past year of this blog, but at 2 weeks old Miss K became seriously ill and we almost lost her. Actually I think Miss K was ill from birth, but thanks to medical incompetence and my willingness to treat the doctors word like gospel it went largely ignored until she almost died.

So for the most part it is easy to forget the three weeks we spent in hospital, and the stress and fear and what ifs, and the further we get away from those two weeks the easier it gets. Of course the 7th of April is always a hard day for my whole family to get through, as that is the day we almost lost my mum and my daughter, but we each find our ways to cope with this day and try to move on. We have had countless discussions in my family, going over the events of that night over and over again, and while it doesn't hurt me to talk about it, it certainly never is a pleasant conversation, but it needs to be discussed. We need the release that comes with letting our memories out. But sometimes something comes up that none of us expect, that forces the memories to the surface in such a violent way, it becomes difficult to cope with.

Last night we were watching One Born Every Minute USA when the thing we are so madly trying to forget started happening on screen right in front of us. Now I love this TV show. Thankfully for me I didn't start watching it until after Miss K was born, otherwise I may have demanded a C-section from the very beginning. It certainly isn't a show for the weak stomached, and even with 2 years having passed since my own labour, I still find myself crossing my legs in sympathy when I watch these women go through their pain. The show normally follows the same arc, One older woman and one younger woman come into the maternity ward, we follow them through the long hours of pre-labour through labour right to the last push, then the mum holds the baby, there are tears all around and here are the end credits. Last night was different. Last night an infant went into distress after being born, while the cameras were rolling. And they showed it all. Now I'm not going to go into the nitty gritty details here, if any one of you are in the mood to have your day ruined, just look for episode 15 of season 2.

Now I'm pretty sure that this little baby did survive like my own did (we had to turn the telly off after we saw what we did, but I can only assume they didn't really air a story with a miserable ending) but that didn't make what we saw any less traumatic for us. All of those memories I have tried so hard to forget over the past two years came flooding back with a vengeance and it took all my strength not to cry. I felt worse because my baby sister watched the episode with us, and she was visibly upset by what we saw, largely because when Miss K stopped breathing, she was the one doing the resuscitating. And I couldn't comfort her because the only thing I could think of to say was we survived. I know it doesn't seem unreasonable to say that at least we came out at the end of it OK, but that doesn't take away the fact that for what seemed like the longest time, none of us knew if we would. Just saying "But we're OK now" seems to undermine the pain, the fear and the uncertainty we all felt at the time and I just couldn't do it to her. Needless to say we all ended up sneaking into Miss K's bedroom at some point during the rest of the evening just to watch her sleep.

I know I am lucky that my story ended up with a happy ending, and it is only because I have Miss K with me every day that I am not a puddle on the floor. I guess I'm just surprised that the memories still hurt as much today as they did 2 years ago.

Well that's all from me today, sorry if I've left you feeling blue, but hopefully this post has the cathartic effect I was hoping for, and I can be back again soon with more happier news. Until then, stay awesome my wonderful readers and thank you again for your patience in my sporadic writing.
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