Saturday, 20 June 2015

June Fly on the Wall

Welcome again to another Fly on the Wall. This series is about sharing all the little things that we all do that are never enough on their own for a blog post, but tend to group together nicely in a post like this, just to show you that even the flies in our house are ashamed to know us.  Today 18 bloggers are participating in the challenge, and their links are written below.  Be sure to visit all of them, even if only to make you feel just a little bit better about how insane you are.             Baking In A Tornado        Spatulas on Parade           Follow me home              Menopausal Mother   Stacy Sews and Schools               Battered Hope                 Just A Little Nutty                          The Momisodes         Someone Else’s Genius                  Disneyland in Kentucky            Juicebox Confession                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                    Sanity Waiting to Happen           Southern Belle Charm                 The Sadder But Wiser Girl                         Go Mama O Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

My brother law was recently diagnosed as diabetic. I never knew just how inappropriate conversations about blood tests could be until we all decided to play with his new blood sugar tester.

Me: Did you prick me already? I didn't feel a thing.
Sam: That's what she said.

Me: You're going to have to prick me again, I got nothing out of that one.

Me: I'm getting nothing out of this one.
Jason: Squeeze it harder then.
*inappropriate giggling from every adult in the room*

Sam: I want Eliza to have a turn. Where's his little jabby thing?
*inappropriate giggling from me*
Sam: I said his LITTLE jabby thing.
Needless to say that didn't stop the giggling.

Me: Life is more like a soap opera than we realise. The only difference is we don't do the longing stares into the difference when things go wrong.
Mum: That is so true. I'm going to make it my life's mission now to do that stare into the distance whenever something goes wrong. Can I get some dramatic music too?

Kim and I were discussing recipes from our childhood with mum when we started talking about a recipe mum had when she was a kid. This is the conversation that ensued.

Mum: I was about to say I'd ask mum, but never mind*
Me: Did you really? Aww mum.
Kim: Hold on, let me get out the ouija board...0408
Me: Hang on, that's my number, I'm not dead yet, don't summon me!

*My grandma has been dead 25 years, which somehow makes mum's initial comment even sadder.

Nat: I had to get the dinner cart downstairs to the kids at work the other day, but I hate taking the elevator, so I stuck the dinner cart on the elevator, pushed the button then raced the elevator down the stairs. Unfortunately I got halfway down the stairs and forgot what I was doing, so I just went back to my room and left the cart to ride the elevator. It could have ended up in the basement if my room leader hadn't got it for me.

Me: Did you know that strawberry flavouring comes from beaver secretions, from their scent gland.
Nat: Really? I have strawberry flavoured lip gloss.
Me: Oh. Well then, enjoy putting your beaver secretions on your lips.

Me: I feel it is inappropriate to break into 1980's songs when yelling at the children.

The court house in the town I work in has a massive circuit every three months, and all the local people going through the family law courts can have their matters heard in the area. It saves everyone having to travel an hour and a half to the next closest family law courts. The joys of living in a rural area. The latest circuit just happened this last week, and we had thirty matters going through the court in one week. Most of them happened in the first day so I had to help my boss get the case files for about 25 matters to the court house, which is half a block away from our office, so we walked the files down. I was carrying about 20 kilos worth of paperwork the whole trip, then we got to the court house and found that they were doing security scans at the front door, which meant that entry was in single file, and the queue to enter was the length of the building. Needless to say by the time we got the files into the court room my arms and legs were like jelly. The sore muscles I ended up with lasted another three days. The pain ended up so bad Miss K had to pull me up the stairs into my sister's house when I went to pick her up at night. I'm now going to request we get office skate boards before next circuit. The added bonus is I will look mega cool when I ride it down to the cafe every week to pick up our milk.

Miss K has fortnightly speech therapy sessions in a nearby town. This is a conversation she has with our therapist every single week. You would think the woman would learn by now she needs to rephrase this question.

Chloe: What is this girl doing?
Miss K: She's eating a burger.
Chloe: And where is she eating the burger?
Miss K: (pointing to the picture) Right there.

Well that's all from me for this month, be sure to buzz back again next month for another installment of crazy.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

June Use Your Words - The Stranger

Welcome again to another Use Your Words. In this blog challenge fourteen brave bloggers have swapped words with eachother. We all need to write something based on what words we have been given. The hitch is none of us knew who got our words, or what direction they will take them in.  Below is a list of all the bloggers participating in the challenge this month.  Be sure to visit them all and share the love around.          Baking In A Tornado     Spatulas on Parade     The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                        The Momisodes               Sparkly Poetic Weirdo Eileen’s Perpetually Busy              Battered Hope          Southern Belle Charm         Someone Else’s Genius             Confessions of a part-time working mom          Climaxed                     Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

This month my words are:

strange ~ the world was different ~ passengers ~ flaw ~ she blinked

And they were submitted by the amazing Robin at Someone Else's Genius 

The train was running late. She wasn't upset about this because she was also running late. The delay caused by the train gave her a chance to catch her breath. She always seemed to be running late these days, her once polished life having given way to chaos. Life wasn't meant to be this way she thought for the millionth time.  

She was interrupted from her thoughts by the arrival of the train. She shuffled through the doors and into the aisles with the rest of the passengers. Slowly she made her way through the carriage until she found an empty seat. Settling down in her chair she prepared for the two hour long journey. Leaning back in her chair she allowed her thoughts to wander again, back to that fateful day two weeks ago that had flipped her world upside down. 

It had started as a normal day, she'd gotten up early, done her daily yoga routine then settled into her arm chair to read the paper. She loved her morning routine, and got pretty cranky if she couldn't do it exactly the same way each morning. Little did she know that at that moment, her mornings would never be the same again. She flipped quickly past all the doom and gloom in the front pages and turned straight to the personals column. She loved reading the lost connection section every day, seeing the desperate and hopeful turning to the local rag in the hopes of finding the answer to their what ifs. As she read through the ads however, one connection in particular caught her eye.

"To the brunette beauty sitting in her armchair reading this right now. You've just finished your yoga, and you're now drinking an herbal tea out of your green mug. I have had the privilege of watching you for two weeks perform your daily routine, and you are perfection. Your only flaw is that you do not know I exist, and now I must return to the city without ever having had the courage to learn your name. If you want to help me rectify this, come to the city on the 24th of this month. I'll be at the city station waiting for you on platform 4. You will know it is me because I will be holding a mug identical to the one you hold in your hand right now. Please help me fix the worst mistake of my life, and let me get to know you."

She blinked and stared down at the green mug she was indeed holding in her hand. Had someone really been watching her all this time? She was repulsed and curious at the same time. Her mind raced with questions. Could the ad really be about her? Was there really someone out there who wanted to meet her? Was she going to head to the city to find out? Quickly she looked at the top of the page to check the date. It was the 10th. She had fourteen days to decide whether or not to do something impulsive and crazy, or pretend she had never read the ad at all, and go back to life as usual. Unfortunately for her it was too late for that, she looked around her tiny apartment, and already could see that now, the world was different, and possibly would never be the same ever again. 

The next two weeks dragged by. She changed her mind a million times, back and forth between the two choices until she was dizzy with indecision. In the end her curiosity won out, and she bought a train ticket two days before the 24th, during a moment of bravery. Now she was sitting on the train, heading to the city and regretting her rashness. What if he was ugly, or boring, or worse, a murderer? What if he wasn't really talking to her, what if there was another woman in her town who did yoga then drank herbal tea every morning? All these thoughts flew through her mind over the two hour trip into the city. She was almost relieved when the train arrived at its final destination, until she remembered why she was actually there, and the terror kicked in. She milled out of the train behind everyone else and stood still. She began to scan the people rushing to their next destination, searching for a man holding a green mug. 

Then suddenly like something out of a movie, the crowds parted, and standing in the middle of platform 4 was a tall gentleman holding a green mug. He had kind eyes and a nervous smile on his face, as he scanned the crowd looking for his yoga loving mystery woman. Their eyes met, and the world stopped for a second. She was relieved to find, the strange person who had been watching her in secret certainly wasn't ugly. "As for the boring or the murderer," she thought, "there's only one way to find out."

Saturday, 6 June 2015

June Secret Subject Swap - Mother Nature

Welcome one and all to the June episode of Secret Subject Swap.  Today 16 brave bloggers are swapping subjects with eachother, and then posting simultaneously. None of us know who got our subject, so it's a fun ride for everyone involved.  Below is a list of the participating bloggers, as always be sure to visit everyone, and share the love around.         Baking In A Tornado    The Bergham’s Life Chronicles       Spatulas on Parade                     Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                           The Momisodes                Sparkly Poetic Weirdo                          The Lieber Family               Battered Hope         Southern Belle Charm        Someone Else’s Genius           Confessions of a part-time working mom                   Small Talk Mama            Climaxed

So today my prompt is So you get to be "Mother Nature" for the day, what's on your To Do List? and it was submitted by the lovely Shawnna from Small Talk Mama.

Wanted: motivated go-getter for newly available management position. You must have the ability to multi-task, and the willingness to ride the storm.  Nature lovers welcome.

I circled the add then dialed the number given at the bottom. A cheerful sounding woman asked me a few basic questions, then invited me to meet up with her for an interview the next day. I hung up the phone with a knot of nerves slowly growing in my stomach. I'd been feeling for a while now that I needed a change of scenery, and I was hopeful that a new job was just the ticket. 

I put my best work attire on the next day, and made my way to the cafe I was directed to the day before. I was surprised when I entered to find the only other customer in the room was a tall olive skinned woman in a purple flowing summer dress. I assumed I was really early until she walked over to me, with her arm outstretched.

"You must be my prospective replacement" she said with a warm smile. Suddenly I felt incredibly overdressed. We sat down at a small table in the corner of the cafe and she began to speak. 

"First of all let me tell you what your new job is going to involve. You're going to be mother nature for the day." 

I thought she was being metaphoric, or at the very least funny, but when her expression didn't change, I became confused.
"Excuse me?" I managed to squeak out

"Mother Nature. You know, Mother Earth, Gaia, the woman behind all of nature? I need you to be her for a day so that I can have a day off."

"Mother Nature gets days off?" I asked

"Ah, yeah, of course she does. Or at least I'm hoping she can, because I am incredibly burnt out right now, and I need a day of not worrying about monsoons and tides and balance. And that's where you come in. Now can I count on you?"

I was certain I was being pranked at that stage, but a quick scan around the room showed no hidden cameras, and given that I could come up with no good reason why I could say no, I nodded mutely. With that she jumped up, her grin widening. 

"Great. Smart decision. I'll see you at midnight tonight."
"Midnight? Why so early?"
"Because that's when the day begins. Don't worry, it won't take you too long to pick up the system, besides it's only for a day. What's the worst you can do?"

I left the cafe in a daze, still not entirely convinced this wasn't an elaborate prank. However just in case it was real, and I was running the risk of breaking nature I arrived the address she gave me fifteen minutes early. I knocked on the door, and she opened it, still wearing the same purple robe I'd seen her in fourteen hours earlier. 

"You're early, that's great" she said smiling. "Come on in and I'll show you around. Here's the kitchen, it's fully stocked, so help yourself. Amenities are over there, and here is your work station."

I looked where she was pointing and saw a small laptop sitting on a coffee table. It seemed so modern I just stood there staring for a few seconds. Noticing my shock Gaia smiled.
"You were expecting something more mystical weren't you?"
"Well yeah, a globe at least."
"Honey globes are so last century, we like to keep up with the times around here. Go on, take a seat."

I sat down on the couch and noticed a map of the world on the screen.
"You control the weather using Google Maps?" I asked incredulously.
"Well, yeah, but this isn't the publicly available one, I had a special plug in designed for me. Go ahead, take a look."

I checked the screen again, and noticed the task bar had several unusual buttons, rain, snow, typhoon, earthquake, spawn and sun, to name  just a few. 

"So how does this work?" I asked
"It's a basic point and click interface. You choose the location, choose the weather and click go."
"what about that spawn button?"
"That's for creating life. Be careful with that one, because the last temp I had in accidentally caused a rat plague, which ended up leading to the Black Death and nearly the end of civilisation as we knew it." 
"Anything else I need to know?"
"Yeah one other thing. There's only a finite amount of water on earth. The one thing I can't do is make more water, so if you go too crazy with that one, you could end up causing a drought somewhere else. Trust me, I learned that the hard way. The centre of Australia wasn't always quite so red."

With that she grabbed her suitcase and walked towards the door. She promised to be back by midnight the next evening and left me to it.  I slowly sat back down on the couch and started playing around with the map. I clicked the search feature and started typing in addresses of people I knew. I spent the first fifteen minutes stalking friends, but given it was so late at night, there really wasn't much to see. Then I had an idea. I searched for the Great Barrier Reef, and had a look around. I remembered reading somewhere that the reef was dying, the coral wasn't coping with global warming or something, so I figured I could try to do something about it. I clicked the spawn button, then went through the drop down menu until I found the list of corals. I clicked randomly on several different species then clicked spawn a couple of times. Couldn't hurt I figured. Plus it might give the environmentalists one less thing to worry about for now. Next I found the bees. I knew that the latest panic had been the decline of the bee population in the world, so I decided to spawn them in several places over the world. Again, what was the worst that could happen. 

I kept fiddling with different things, I caused a slight earthquake in Russia, to pay back the spammers who kept trying to hack my blog, and a second one in Nigeria, just as a warning to all the "princes" there who kept emailing me. By this time it was about 9am and I was getting the hang of it, but it was pretty monotonous. I decided to have a little bit of fun with my new found power and located Miss K's dad's house on the map. Then I clicked the rain button, selected his house as the location and hit go. It did look pretty funny his house being the only one in the neighbourhood getting any rain. 

An email came through so I clicked on it and found a request for snow in Vancouver from a small child. He wanted a day off school the next day, and was hoping I could help. I found Vancouver on the map and made it snow there. Being so unfamiliar with the imperial measurement I accidentally set it to snow 30 inches instead of 30 centimetres, but I couldn't figure out how to undo that one, so I just sent an email back to the small boy telling him to enjoy his snow, and maybe go out for some supplies before it was too late. 

By this time a second email had come through from a surfer in California requesting "kick ass waves" that day, as he had a date with his girlfriend and wanted to impress her with his surfing skills. I selected California on the map and hit wind, figuring that was how waves were made. While trying to figure it out, I accidentally ended up sending a hurricane to the coast, and again, couldn't figure out how to fix it, so I sent an email back telling him to avoid the beach that day, and perhaps try to head inland a little bit, just to be on the safe side. 

I was still playing around when I got a text. I checked my phone to find Miss K's dad had texted me, telling me something funky was going on in Melbourne, as it had been raining at his house for two hours now, but nowhere else. His back yard was starting to flood, and his mum's vegetable patch was destroyed. I rushed the map back over to his house and tried to stop the rain, but accidentally sent a thunderstorm there instead. So I sent a text back to him telling him to put on some gumboots and send me a text if he survived the next twelve hours.

The rest of the day went slightly smoother, mainly because I stopped answering emails and ended up spying on different countries. If somewhere looked too dry I'd send them a little rain, if somewhere looked too wet I'd send them some sunshine. By the time midnight rolled around I was absolutely exhausted, so you can imagine my relief when I heard the front door open. In walked Gaia with the same sunny smile on her face she always seemed to wear.

"How did it go?" she asked me
"I understand why you needed a holiday" I replied smoothing my clothes down. "Speaking of which, the next time you need a break, please feel free to call someone else."

With that I walked towards the door, but before I left I felt I needed to say something else.
"If you feel that you absolutely must, there's a storm raging over a house in the suburbs that's been going for a little while now, it may not be a big deal, but you might want to turn it off."

So while it's not something I could ever put on the resume, I certainly won't forget the day I became Mother Nature. I can certainly tell you that nature is not for the weak. 
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