Saturday, 21 September 2013

September Fly on the Wall

Have any of you wondered what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of someone's house? I often wonder what it would be like to get an uncensored view into the way people live when the outside world isn't looking, but I've always been a bit of a voyeur like that. I think that's part of the reason why I love reading blogs, because it's a tiny glimpse into the minds and lives of people that I would otherwise never know.  Well luckily for me I'm not the only voyeur out there, the lovely Karen from Baking in a Tornado is also a bit of a Peeping Tom, (albeit one who is mindful of the laws against stalking) so she started the Fly on the Wall series.  She has invited bloggers of all ages and sizes to give their lovely audiences a peek into their day to day lives by sharing conversations, anecdotes and other bits and pieces that otherwise would stay hidden behind closed doors.  Now I have loved reading the Fly on the Wall series ever since I first discovered Karen's blog many months ago, but this month I have been given the opportunity to join in the fun for the very first time, and boy am I excited.

Now before I terrorise you all with the uncensored truth that is what happens in my house when no one is looking, I'll introduce the other wonderful bloggers who are partaking in Septembers Fly on the Wall post.  Be sure to visit them all, and don't forget to bring some popcorn because there is some quality entertainment to be found in these posts.

Baking in a Tornado                                  
Just a Little Nutty                      
Follow Me Home                       
Stacy Sews and Schools             
 The Sadder But Wiser Girl                        
Menopausal Mother                  
Moore Organized Mayhem           
The Insomniac's Dream                
The Momisodes                  
Spatulas on Parade         
The Rowdy Baker                      
Writer B is Me                 

So as far as anyone looking in knows, we're a normal family. But if you look a little deeper, you'll see we're all a little mad here...

Giving mum instructions before I go to work.
Me: Oh I’ve almost run out of wipes so you’ll need to put the wipes from the change table into the nappy bag right before Sam picks her up.
Mum: That’s too much like hard work. I’ll just put them in there now.
Me: But what will you wipe her bum with in the meantime?
Mum: I won’t wipe her bum
Me: Fine then you can buy the antibiotics when she comes down with a yeast infection.
Mum: I’m not wiping her bum with bread…

Describing my shopping trip with Miss K to mum
Me: I kept whacking Miss K in the head with the roast chicken.
Mum: Really?
Me: Yeah. I was trying to get the shopping done and you know what it’s like, she’s right at chicken whacking height…

Me: I’m glad to see people tipping their pizza delivery boy
Mum: Good grief
Me: Hey! They provide an important service mum.

Mum draws my attention to the fact that Miss K is playing with an (unused) tampon.
Me: Where did you get that from? I don’t even use tampons.
Mum: Yuck
Me: Let’s chuck it in the toilet and see what happens.
Mum: You do amuse yourself don’t you?

Me (to Miss K): Are you licking me again? Oh gross you little feral!

Miss K: Mum….MUM, STUCK!!
Me: You’re not stuck, you’re in bed. There’s a difference
Miss K: NOOO

Dealing with yet another of Miss K’s temper tantrums.
Me: Do you want to go to bed?
Miss K: NO
Me: Then cheer up.
Miss K: NO
Me: Then go to bed
Miss K: NO
Me: Then cheer up.
Miss K: NO
This game can go on for hours.

Mum (to Miss K): You are the most beautiful baby did you know that? I wouldn't have anything to do with you if you weren't so good looking.

Miss K is playing on the floor with granny when she gets the brainwave to climb on her back.
Mum: I don’t do horsey rides.
Me: Get off granny’s back honey, she’s a dead horse
Mum: Yeah I’m an old nag.
Me: I know.

While working on Miss K’s words
Me: Can you say c, c, Clock?
Miss K: cock (she can’t say L, this is normal OK?)
Me: Good girl. Now can you say big pink clock?
Mum: You’re naughty.

Me (to Miss K): Stay away from the oven OK, It’s hot and you’re naked.

I look over and see Miss K snacking on the ham she had refused to eat yesterday at lunch time.
Me: Miss K NO!!
Mum: What is it? Meat?
Me: Yeah from yesterday.  You wouldn't eat it when I served it for lunch, you’re not having it now.
Mum: That child will eat anything.
Me: Yeah, 24 hours after you serve it to her.

Mum: You don’t want any nutty chocolate?
Kim: Nah I’m too tired to chew.

Nat: I'm thinking of going on one of those smoothie diets.
Kim: Nat, drinking nothing but MacDonald thick shakes is not considered a smoothie diet.

After Kim had left to go to a friend's house to study
Mum: As they say in the classics, YAY!!!

Me (to mum): Did you hear Miss K screaming this morning at 6:30?
Mum: No
Me: Yeah she was stuck under the mattress again.

Well that's all the clean stuff I could muster up, the rest of our conversations were filled with enough curse words to make a wharfie blush so I might have to save them for an after dark post one day.  If there is anyone left who hasn't fainted from shock head on over and visit the rest of the blogs now. 

Saturday, 7 September 2013

The mother of all inventions - Secret Subject Swap

Hello one and  all and welcome to another Secret Subject Swap take one. This is the fun series where twelve bloggers from around the world swap subjects with one another through the clever and mystical Karen from Baking in a Tornado. She decides as the leader of all the swappers who gets what subjects, and using her super powers gets us to simultaneously post our writings for the enjoyment of you wonderful people. Before I get to my post I'll introduce the rest of the bloggers taking part in take one of Secret Subject Swap this month.

So today my subject is You've invented something that will revolutionize motherhood as we know it. What is it? and it was submitted by The Sadder But Wiser Girl. 

"Eureka!!!" I screamed as I threw my goggles to the ground. I had finally done it, I had finally figured out how to give mums the one thing they wanted most of all. The one thing I wanted most of all, but had seemed so elusive since Miss K had come along was just 5 minutes more. 5 minutes to finish my meal before it went cold, 5 more minutes sleep, 5 minutes peace and quiet so I could go the toilet by myself. (I get performance anxiety you see.) For two years it seemed like I would never get the 5 minutes I so desperately needed, until I discovered I had the secret in my own hands the whole time. And it was all thanks to my extensive knowledge in Quantum Physics developed while watching the Big Bang Theory. 

I built a secret lab in the one place no one in my family ever goes to, the laundry room, and spent months slaving away at my new creation. Of course it wouldn't have taken so long, but given I don't even have 5 minutes to take a toilet break around here, I had to do all my work while everyone else was asleep. On the plus side I did manage to get on top of the mountain of washing at the same time, so it was a win-win for everyone. I had a few setbacks of course, like the time I accidentally put my creation in the spin cycle and had to start again, but finally all my hard work and swearing paid off and I now held in my hand the answer to every mother's prayer. "I will call you the Five Minutes More-inator" I whispered as I cradled the small black box in my hand. Now all I needed was to test it out. 

Right on cue Miss K woke up from a bad dream and started screaming out for me. "Perfect!" I cried. I ran into the kitchen, ignoring Miss K's screams of protest as I rushed past her room, and held the Five Minutes More-inator up towards the clock on the wall. I held my breath and pressed the power button. It began to softly vibrate in my hands and then a bright green laser shot out of it and hit the clock with a flash. I could almost feel the whole earth shudder as time slowed down to a complete halt. I listened out for Miss K's next scream, but everything was silent. The LED screen on the Five Minutes More-inator came to life flashing with the numbers 5:00 and started counting down the seconds until time would start up again. "It works" I screamed as I did a happy dance around the kitchen, for once not afraid that anyone would walk in during yet another of my embarrassing displays of uncoordinated jigging. I snuck into Miss K's room and sure enough she was frozen mid scream, her face contorted into an angry grimace. I gingerly poked her, to see if she was just messing with me, but her face didn't even flicker.

This was brilliant. I had finally gained myself some much needed time, except I was wasting it staring at my frozen child. I wracked my brain trying to think of something I could never do because there were children around, and then remembered the one thing I always dreamed of doing, eating a chocolate pudding without having to share it. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a tub of pudding out of the fridge. I looked at the Five Minutes More-inator and realised I only had three minutes left to myself. I grabbed a table spoon out of the drawer and started shoveling the pudding into my mouth as fast as I could eat it. It was bliss. Until I gave myself a stomach ache from eating too fast. I groaned and sat down on the kitchen floor cradling my tummy. As I sat there feeling sorry for myself the Five Minutes More-inator beeped at me, and Miss K's screaming resumed at full volume. 

"Dammit" I groaned as I tried to muster up the energy to stand up again. I aimed the Five Minutes More-inator in the general area of the clock on the wall and hit the power button again, but nothing happened. I looked at the machine, and noticed the battery low button flashing at me. "Wow you eat through the power fast" I said to no one in particular, as it slowly dawned on me I'd have to deal with Miss K by myself, stomach ache and all. I pulled myself up off the floor and slowly trudged towards the wailing, wishing I could join in the screaming too. I got into the bedroom and nearly fainted in shock at the sight that was waiting for me. Miss K was still partially frozen in place, and the look on her face was terrifying. I rushed towards her and started shaking her, begging her to start moving again. Slowly she began to unfreeze, bit by bit, with some extra coaxing from me, as I flexed her limbs in a calisthenics type fashion, until after about twenty minutes she was back to normal. Well almost back to normal, but I could always just say she'd inherited her father's wonky nose. But it did look like it was back to the drawing board for me, which was too bad, because I could probably have used all those millions of dollars the Five Minutes More-inator would have made me on the inevitable nose job for Miss K.

Once I had Miss K calmed down and back to bed I went and threw the Five Minutes More-inator in the bin. "I will have to find another way to become rich then" I said to myself as I made my way to bed. "Maybe I should get Miss K into show business and become a stage mum, that's always worked well for others in the past..."

Oh yeah...

Well that's all from me, now do yourselves a favour and head on over to the rest of the blogs I listed at the beginning, and check out their posts too. I promise you now, you won't regret it.  Stay awesome y'all!

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