Saturday, 21 September 2013

September Fly on the Wall

Have any of you wondered what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of someone's house? I often wonder what it would be like to get an uncensored view into the way people live when the outside world isn't looking, but I've always been a bit of a voyeur like that. I think that's part of the reason why I love reading blogs, because it's a tiny glimpse into the minds and lives of people that I would otherwise never know.  Well luckily for me I'm not the only voyeur out there, the lovely Karen from Baking in a Tornado is also a bit of a Peeping Tom, (albeit one who is mindful of the laws against stalking) so she started the Fly on the Wall series.  She has invited bloggers of all ages and sizes to give their lovely audiences a peek into their day to day lives by sharing conversations, anecdotes and other bits and pieces that otherwise would stay hidden behind closed doors.  Now I have loved reading the Fly on the Wall series ever since I first discovered Karen's blog many months ago, but this month I have been given the opportunity to join in the fun for the very first time, and boy am I excited.

Now before I terrorise you all with the uncensored truth that is what happens in my house when no one is looking, I'll introduce the other wonderful bloggers who are partaking in Septembers Fly on the Wall post.  Be sure to visit them all, and don't forget to bring some popcorn because there is some quality entertainment to be found in these posts.

Baking in a Tornado                                  
Just a Little Nutty                      
Follow Me Home                       
Stacy Sews and Schools             
 The Sadder But Wiser Girl                        
Menopausal Mother                  
Moore Organized Mayhem           
The Insomniac's Dream                
The Momisodes                  
Spatulas on Parade         
The Rowdy Baker                      
Writer B is Me                 

So as far as anyone looking in knows, we're a normal family. But if you look a little deeper, you'll see we're all a little mad here...

Giving mum instructions before I go to work.
Me: Oh I’ve almost run out of wipes so you’ll need to put the wipes from the change table into the nappy bag right before Sam picks her up.
Mum: That’s too much like hard work. I’ll just put them in there now.
Me: But what will you wipe her bum with in the meantime?
Mum: I won’t wipe her bum
Me: Fine then you can buy the antibiotics when she comes down with a yeast infection.
Mum: I’m not wiping her bum with bread…

Describing my shopping trip with Miss K to mum
Me: I kept whacking Miss K in the head with the roast chicken.
Mum: Really?
Me: Yeah. I was trying to get the shopping done and you know what it’s like, she’s right at chicken whacking height…

Me: I’m glad to see people tipping their pizza delivery boy
Mum: Good grief
Me: Hey! They provide an important service mum.

Mum draws my attention to the fact that Miss K is playing with an (unused) tampon.
Me: Where did you get that from? I don’t even use tampons.
Mum: Yuck
Me: Let’s chuck it in the toilet and see what happens.
Mum: You do amuse yourself don’t you?

Me (to Miss K): Are you licking me again? Oh gross you little feral!

Miss K: Mum….MUM, STUCK!!
Me: You’re not stuck, you’re in bed. There’s a difference
Miss K: NOOO

Dealing with yet another of Miss K’s temper tantrums.
Me: Do you want to go to bed?
Miss K: NO
Me: Then cheer up.
Miss K: NO
Me: Then go to bed
Miss K: NO
Me: Then cheer up.
Miss K: NO
This game can go on for hours.

Mum (to Miss K): You are the most beautiful baby did you know that? I wouldn't have anything to do with you if you weren't so good looking.

Miss K is playing on the floor with granny when she gets the brainwave to climb on her back.
Mum: I don’t do horsey rides.
Me: Get off granny’s back honey, she’s a dead horse
Mum: Yeah I’m an old nag.
Me: I know.

While working on Miss K’s words
Me: Can you say c, c, Clock?
Miss K: cock (she can’t say L, this is normal OK?)
Me: Good girl. Now can you say big pink clock?
Mum: You’re naughty.

Me (to Miss K): Stay away from the oven OK, It’s hot and you’re naked.

I look over and see Miss K snacking on the ham she had refused to eat yesterday at lunch time.
Me: Miss K NO!!
Mum: What is it? Meat?
Me: Yeah from yesterday.  You wouldn't eat it when I served it for lunch, you’re not having it now.
Mum: That child will eat anything.
Me: Yeah, 24 hours after you serve it to her.

Mum: You don’t want any nutty chocolate?
Kim: Nah I’m too tired to chew.

Nat: I'm thinking of going on one of those smoothie diets.
Kim: Nat, drinking nothing but MacDonald thick shakes is not considered a smoothie diet.

After Kim had left to go to a friend's house to study
Mum: As they say in the classics, YAY!!!

Me (to mum): Did you hear Miss K screaming this morning at 6:30?
Mum: No
Me: Yeah she was stuck under the mattress again.

Well that's all the clean stuff I could muster up, the rest of our conversations were filled with enough curse words to make a wharfie blush so I might have to save them for an after dark post one day.  If there is anyone left who hasn't fainted from shock head on over and visit the rest of the blogs now. 


  1. Very funny stuff going on around your house.

    Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to convince people that my boys, who are taller than me, are at chicken whacking height . . .

    1. Hey if you hold your chickens high enough, anyone is at chicken whacking height...

  2. Welcome to the FLY! This was so funny. My favorite line was "Get off Granny's back, honey. SHe's a dead horse. " That's family love, right there :)

    1. Ah mum knows I love her. I let her cook for me and watch my child don't i???

  3. My 4 year old can't say her S's or S clusters. So horse become whore and Stick becomes dick.

    We have a blast with that as well....

    1. Ah I love the mistakes kids make when they're just learning to speak. When my niece was a baby, her version of basket was very close to bastard. I used to love giving her baskets just to make her swear for me.

  4. ROFLOL!!! LOVE IT!!!!
    My youngest son couldn't say forks & knives properly. The older kids had a BLAST with that. SIGH.....

    1. Ah it's all good fun while it lasts. Given her speech problems I'm just happy she tries to talk at all.

  5. Between your daughter and your mum, you shouldn't ever run out of material to amuse us!
    I'm still wondering how you can hear a child scream if she's under the mattress... :)

    1. My daughter's scream has been compared to an air raid siren. You can hear it from across the street and that's not an exaggeration. I seriously think she's got a career as the siren on top of a fire engine when she grows up, the kid has quite a set of lungs on her.

    2. That is an understatement, she is so bloody loud!!....Her father is from Italian descent, and we are Irish descent..we blame the Italian side, because Erin and I are such quiet and retiring right !!!...

  6. Wow, you weren't kidding when you sad y'all were mad--and I LOVE it! This was hysterical--yes, you'd fit in very nicely with my family!

    1. I'm just so thankful to find someone else whose "normal" conversations are as insane as ours. I tell you if you lived any closer I'd be inviting myself over for coffee all the time just to see the fun in person.

  7. I'm sure i could must up an after hours fly on the wall too!Not wiping her with bread...hilarious!

    1. I laughed when she said it to me too. I think we must discuss this after dark idea with Karen.

  8. "she’s right at chicken whacking height…" OMG how I loved this!
    I love the relationship you have with your mom.
    Old nag... he he he.

    1. Yeah most people are shocked at how mum and I talk to each other, but we can always make each other laugh. And I didn't know that chicken whacking height was a thing until I spent my days surrounded by little people.

  9. Thanks so much for sharing, Erin! Some of these are priceless ;-) Little kids are great in situational comedy!

    1. I love the things that come out of the mouths of babes. Of course most of the things Miss K does at the moment are sight gags, so it's nice to have one or two things she's said to share with you guys.

  10. chicken whacking height? oh dear
    big pink clock? shameful
    Yep you fit right in with the rest of the nuts in this bunch :)
    Spatulas On Parade

    1. Thank you Dawn I feel so accepted with you bunch of nutters around. I had a lot of fun compiling these quotes, I think I'll be sticking around for a while. You guys make me feel so normal.

    2. When my kids hit 21, all bets are off, and they're our conversations change from "mother to child", to "bring it on bitch"......I love my kids..we have the best time together, but they are all really good "citizens", and honest and caring people in public...but at home, all bets are off, and we just have the best time !!!

    3. Erin is me.....That's why I'm glad she moved in with me when Miss K was about to be,....If Erin and I met when we were teenagers, I reckon we would have been best friends
      Love Lyn


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