Saturday, 21 September 2013

September Fly on the Wall

Have any of you wondered what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of someone's house? I often wonder what it would be like to get an uncensored view into the way people live when the outside world isn't looking, but I've always been a bit of a voyeur like that. I think that's part of the reason why I love reading blogs, because it's a tiny glimpse into the minds and lives of people that I would otherwise never know.  Well luckily for me I'm not the only voyeur out there, the lovely Karen from Baking in a Tornado is also a bit of a Peeping Tom, (albeit one who is mindful of the laws against stalking) so she started the Fly on the Wall series.  She has invited bloggers of all ages and sizes to give their lovely audiences a peek into their day to day lives by sharing conversations, anecdotes and other bits and pieces that otherwise would stay hidden behind closed doors.  Now I have loved reading the Fly on the Wall series ever since I first discovered Karen's blog many months ago, but this month I have been given the opportunity to join in the fun for the very first time, and boy am I excited.

Now before I terrorise you all with the uncensored truth that is what happens in my house when no one is looking, I'll introduce the other wonderful bloggers who are partaking in Septembers Fly on the Wall post.  Be sure to visit them all, and don't forget to bring some popcorn because there is some quality entertainment to be found in these posts.

Baking in a Tornado                                  
Just a Little Nutty                      
Follow Me Home                       
Stacy Sews and Schools             
 The Sadder But Wiser Girl                        
Menopausal Mother                  
Moore Organized Mayhem           
The Insomniac's Dream                
The Momisodes                  
Spatulas on Parade         
The Rowdy Baker                      
Writer B is Me                 

So as far as anyone looking in knows, we're a normal family. But if you look a little deeper, you'll see we're all a little mad here...

Giving mum instructions before I go to work.
Me: Oh I’ve almost run out of wipes so you’ll need to put the wipes from the change table into the nappy bag right before Sam picks her up.
Mum: That’s too much like hard work. I’ll just put them in there now.
Me: But what will you wipe her bum with in the meantime?
Mum: I won’t wipe her bum
Me: Fine then you can buy the antibiotics when she comes down with a yeast infection.
Mum: I’m not wiping her bum with bread…

Describing my shopping trip with Miss K to mum
Me: I kept whacking Miss K in the head with the roast chicken.
Mum: Really?
Me: Yeah. I was trying to get the shopping done and you know what it’s like, she’s right at chicken whacking height…

Me: I’m glad to see people tipping their pizza delivery boy
Mum: Good grief
Me: Hey! They provide an important service mum.

Mum draws my attention to the fact that Miss K is playing with an (unused) tampon.
Me: Where did you get that from? I don’t even use tampons.
Mum: Yuck
Me: Let’s chuck it in the toilet and see what happens.
Mum: You do amuse yourself don’t you?

Me (to Miss K): Are you licking me again? Oh gross you little feral!

Miss K: Mum….MUM, STUCK!!
Me: You’re not stuck, you’re in bed. There’s a difference
Miss K: NOOO

Dealing with yet another of Miss K’s temper tantrums.
Me: Do you want to go to bed?
Miss K: NO
Me: Then cheer up.
Miss K: NO
Me: Then go to bed
Miss K: NO
Me: Then cheer up.
Miss K: NO
This game can go on for hours.

Mum (to Miss K): You are the most beautiful baby did you know that? I wouldn't have anything to do with you if you weren't so good looking.

Miss K is playing on the floor with granny when she gets the brainwave to climb on her back.
Mum: I don’t do horsey rides.
Me: Get off granny’s back honey, she’s a dead horse
Mum: Yeah I’m an old nag.
Me: I know.

While working on Miss K’s words
Me: Can you say c, c, Clock?
Miss K: cock (she can’t say L, this is normal OK?)
Me: Good girl. Now can you say big pink clock?
Mum: You’re naughty.

Me (to Miss K): Stay away from the oven OK, It’s hot and you’re naked.

I look over and see Miss K snacking on the ham she had refused to eat yesterday at lunch time.
Me: Miss K NO!!
Mum: What is it? Meat?
Me: Yeah from yesterday.  You wouldn't eat it when I served it for lunch, you’re not having it now.
Mum: That child will eat anything.
Me: Yeah, 24 hours after you serve it to her.

Mum: You don’t want any nutty chocolate?
Kim: Nah I’m too tired to chew.

Nat: I'm thinking of going on one of those smoothie diets.
Kim: Nat, drinking nothing but MacDonald thick shakes is not considered a smoothie diet.

After Kim had left to go to a friend's house to study
Mum: As they say in the classics, YAY!!!

Me (to mum): Did you hear Miss K screaming this morning at 6:30?
Mum: No
Me: Yeah she was stuck under the mattress again.

Well that's all the clean stuff I could muster up, the rest of our conversations were filled with enough curse words to make a wharfie blush so I might have to save them for an after dark post one day.  If there is anyone left who hasn't fainted from shock head on over and visit the rest of the blogs now. 
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