Saturday, 7 September 2013

The mother of all inventions - Secret Subject Swap

Hello one and  all and welcome to another Secret Subject Swap take one. This is the fun series where twelve bloggers from around the world swap subjects with one another through the clever and mystical Karen from Baking in a Tornado. She decides as the leader of all the swappers who gets what subjects, and using her super powers gets us to simultaneously post our writings for the enjoyment of you wonderful people. Before I get to my post I'll introduce the rest of the bloggers taking part in take one of Secret Subject Swap this month.

So today my subject is You've invented something that will revolutionize motherhood as we know it. What is it? and it was submitted by The Sadder But Wiser Girl. 

"Eureka!!!" I screamed as I threw my goggles to the ground. I had finally done it, I had finally figured out how to give mums the one thing they wanted most of all. The one thing I wanted most of all, but had seemed so elusive since Miss K had come along was just 5 minutes more. 5 minutes to finish my meal before it went cold, 5 more minutes sleep, 5 minutes peace and quiet so I could go the toilet by myself. (I get performance anxiety you see.) For two years it seemed like I would never get the 5 minutes I so desperately needed, until I discovered I had the secret in my own hands the whole time. And it was all thanks to my extensive knowledge in Quantum Physics developed while watching the Big Bang Theory. 

I built a secret lab in the one place no one in my family ever goes to, the laundry room, and spent months slaving away at my new creation. Of course it wouldn't have taken so long, but given I don't even have 5 minutes to take a toilet break around here, I had to do all my work while everyone else was asleep. On the plus side I did manage to get on top of the mountain of washing at the same time, so it was a win-win for everyone. I had a few setbacks of course, like the time I accidentally put my creation in the spin cycle and had to start again, but finally all my hard work and swearing paid off and I now held in my hand the answer to every mother's prayer. "I will call you the Five Minutes More-inator" I whispered as I cradled the small black box in my hand. Now all I needed was to test it out. 

Right on cue Miss K woke up from a bad dream and started screaming out for me. "Perfect!" I cried. I ran into the kitchen, ignoring Miss K's screams of protest as I rushed past her room, and held the Five Minutes More-inator up towards the clock on the wall. I held my breath and pressed the power button. It began to softly vibrate in my hands and then a bright green laser shot out of it and hit the clock with a flash. I could almost feel the whole earth shudder as time slowed down to a complete halt. I listened out for Miss K's next scream, but everything was silent. The LED screen on the Five Minutes More-inator came to life flashing with the numbers 5:00 and started counting down the seconds until time would start up again. "It works" I screamed as I did a happy dance around the kitchen, for once not afraid that anyone would walk in during yet another of my embarrassing displays of uncoordinated jigging. I snuck into Miss K's room and sure enough she was frozen mid scream, her face contorted into an angry grimace. I gingerly poked her, to see if she was just messing with me, but her face didn't even flicker.

This was brilliant. I had finally gained myself some much needed time, except I was wasting it staring at my frozen child. I wracked my brain trying to think of something I could never do because there were children around, and then remembered the one thing I always dreamed of doing, eating a chocolate pudding without having to share it. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a tub of pudding out of the fridge. I looked at the Five Minutes More-inator and realised I only had three minutes left to myself. I grabbed a table spoon out of the drawer and started shoveling the pudding into my mouth as fast as I could eat it. It was bliss. Until I gave myself a stomach ache from eating too fast. I groaned and sat down on the kitchen floor cradling my tummy. As I sat there feeling sorry for myself the Five Minutes More-inator beeped at me, and Miss K's screaming resumed at full volume. 

"Dammit" I groaned as I tried to muster up the energy to stand up again. I aimed the Five Minutes More-inator in the general area of the clock on the wall and hit the power button again, but nothing happened. I looked at the machine, and noticed the battery low button flashing at me. "Wow you eat through the power fast" I said to no one in particular, as it slowly dawned on me I'd have to deal with Miss K by myself, stomach ache and all. I pulled myself up off the floor and slowly trudged towards the wailing, wishing I could join in the screaming too. I got into the bedroom and nearly fainted in shock at the sight that was waiting for me. Miss K was still partially frozen in place, and the look on her face was terrifying. I rushed towards her and started shaking her, begging her to start moving again. Slowly she began to unfreeze, bit by bit, with some extra coaxing from me, as I flexed her limbs in a calisthenics type fashion, until after about twenty minutes she was back to normal. Well almost back to normal, but I could always just say she'd inherited her father's wonky nose. But it did look like it was back to the drawing board for me, which was too bad, because I could probably have used all those millions of dollars the Five Minutes More-inator would have made me on the inevitable nose job for Miss K.

Once I had Miss K calmed down and back to bed I went and threw the Five Minutes More-inator in the bin. "I will have to find another way to become rich then" I said to myself as I made my way to bed. "Maybe I should get Miss K into show business and become a stage mum, that's always worked well for others in the past..."

Oh yeah...

Well that's all from me, now do yourselves a favour and head on over to the rest of the blogs I listed at the beginning, and check out their posts too. I promise you now, you won't regret it.  Stay awesome y'all!

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