Saturday, 20 May 2017

May Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for Fly on the Wall. The series that allows you a sneak peek of all the crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall at our house. 

Today 9 bloggers are participating in the fun. Be sure to visit them all to keep the fun going.

Menopausal Mother                     
Spatulas on Parade                    
A Little Piece of Peace                 
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Bookworm in the Kitchen                   

 I have a friend Helen whose daughter went to kindergarten with Miss K last year, and they've come to the same school as us this year. One day I had Helen on the phone with me for an hour worried senseless about her daughter's refusal to complete her school work and her attitude in general, and all I could do was reassure her that what her daughter was going through was pretty normal for a 6-year-old, and she shouldn't be so hard on herself. Not even an hour after I got off the phone with her the school called me to let me know Miss K had decided that day was the perfect day to go on strike and she was refusing to do any of her work. I got the issue sorted out, but figured this was just what Helen needed to hear to make her feel better. So, come pick up time I marched through the school gates to Miss K's classroom, interrupted Helen's conversation with some of the other mums and proudly yelled out
"You want proof all 6 year olds are assholes? my daughter went on strike today."     
Needless to say, my yelling got the attention of all the other mums, so Helen had to explain why I was yelling about asshole kids, and then we all spent the next 10 minutes sharing war stories of all the attitude we get off our darling children. On the plus side, Helen felt much better by the time the kids were finished school for the day. 

Miss K and I were snuggling together in my polar fleece blanket.
Miss K: This blanket is made of polar bear fleas. 

Nat: Did you know Dave has never seen Robin Hood Men in Tights?
Me: Seriously? Was he raised in a cupboard under the stairs or something?
Nat: I think so.

This is what happens when you leave my sister Nat unsupervised for 3 days. Her answer to my question was 'bout 5'4"

Miss K has discovered that she can whistle much to my dismay.
Me: Miss K put your whistle in your pocket.
Miss K simulates pulling a whistle out of her mouth and then mashes her hand in my face.
Me: Did you just take my whistle out too?
Miss K: No, I put it in you.
Me: That's what he said.
Miss K: What?
Me: Never mind. Are you ready to go yet?

Sam was complaining to me about someone talking crap about her to her husband Jason.
Sam: Don't waste your time being nice to my face only to talk crap about me behind my face.
Eliza starts laughing uncontrollably 
Sam: What?
Eliza: No, nothing, I just think it would be a bit hard to squeeze in behind your face to start talking about you.
Sam: Oh, yeah, it's behind my back, isn't it?
Me: Yeah.

Miss K: You have to marry dad.
Me: Nah, I don't wanna do that, he smells.
Miss K: If you don't marry daddy, he'll never be my uncle.
Me: Um that's not how that works sweetheart.

Nat: How do you make orange? It's yellow and red, right?
Me: Do I need to make you watch Blue’s Clues again to learn your colours?
Nat: Did I tell you about the time I tried to make purple paint at work?
Me: No.
Nat: So, purple is made of blue and red right? Well for some reason I mixed green and red together.
Me: So, you made a lovely shade of poo brown then?
Nat: Yep. I just stared at it and was like wait a minute, you're not purple.

One day I was at Sam's place typing up a blog post while she had a nap on the couch. At one stage, she sits bolt upright in her chair
I jump in fright and look over at her and she's staring into the kitchen. I look in the kitchen and see nothing.
Me: What the hell is what?
By the time the words have left my mouth she's lying back down again asleep and I had to spend the next ten minutes trying to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. I still have no idea what she saw because she doesn't remember it at all.

Me: I remember when you went through that phase where you wanted to name all your pets foreign words for animals. Like you have a fish and you name it fish.
Nat: Yeah, the problem with that was the only other word I knew for fish was from an Asian language and it was literally just five or six fs. So, I would have just gone around saying "This is my fish, ffffff."

Text from Ady. Just call me Amy Farafella. Also, my go to attack seems to be to accuse everyone of being high the minute they stop making any sense to me.

Mum: So, the youngest cleaner at school is dating one of the students, and she comes and helps him at work. Well she's been taking a lot of days off lately to take care of her mum, and she's been warned she needs to start attending more. Tonight, she's helping her boyfriend and she spots her co-ordinator talking to someone else and she ducks out of sight. Five minutes later her boyfriend comes walking down the path with a random bin he's not meant to have, and no girlfriend to be seen. He was sneaking her past the teacher in the bin. 

The following conversation is related to the computer game Minecraft
Nat: The other night my pigs decided to form a pig centipede.
Me: Ew, that's creepy.
Nat: Yeah it is, to say the least. Actually, to say the least would be to say "eh".
Me: And to think we used to have to pretend to laugh at your jokes when you were a kid.
Nat: Hey! Maybe it was a good thing that worked.
Me: Well that was the plan.
Nat: Dave thinks I'm funny.
Me: Dave grew up living under the stairs, of course he thinks you're funny.

Sam: There's one important thing we forgot to consider when buying our son a bunk bed.
Me: Oh yeah? What's that?
Sam: How long it takes to get off a bunk bed when you need to vomit.
Me: Oh dear. 
I'll spare you the gory details, but needless to say, my nephew didn't make it to the toilet in time.

Sam A: I used to be convinced that my life was like a reality show and I was the star.
Me: I used to think that too, but it made me really self-conscious when I needed to pick my nose. 

Miss K: Mum is my heart beating?
I put my head on her chest and check
Me: It sure is kiddo.
Miss K: So, I'm not dead then?
Me: No, I'm pretty sure you're still alive.
Miss K: Phew.

I help out in Miss K's class on Fridays. This is a conversation I had with one of the boys in the reading group I take each week.
Connor: Your name is Grumpy Old Man Zucchini.
Me: Oh yeah? Well your name is Disgruntled Pumpkin. 
Connor: You're completely bonkers.
Me: Yep.

Well that's all the crazy I can squeeze into one post for now, be sure to visit all the other bloggers as they've all got their own special brand of fun going on today too.

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