Saturday, 18 November 2017

November Fly on the Wall

Hello again my lovelies, it is time for the second last Fly on the Wall for the year. For any newcomers to this series what happens is a group of bloggers all join forces to share with you all the crazy and funny things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in our houses this month.

Fly on the Wall
This month 7 bloggers are participating. Be sure to visit them all and check out all of the fun.
Menopausal Mother                     
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Bookworm in the Kitchen                
The Blogging 911                       
Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie please?
Me: No it's too close to dinner time.
Miss K: Please? I want one.
Me: Too bad. Please stop nagging me.
Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie?
Me: No. I said stop nagging me please.
Miss K: I didn't nag because I didn't say please.
We had a big thunderstorm come through the town yesterday. This is how my nephew Jakey responds to thunder.
Jakey: What was that?
Sam: That was just thunder.
Jakey: No, I think it's a bomb.
I woke up one morning to Miss K making my bed while I was still in it. As it was still early I rolled over and went back to sleep until my alarm when off. When I finally decided to get up all hell broke loose.
Miss K: Mum, you messed up the bed. I just made that.
Me: Welcome to parenting sweetheart, where kids mess your shit up as you're cleaning. Pro tip though, next time don't make the bed while someone is still sleeping in it.
I was helping in Miss K's class when one of her classmates dropped this gem on me
Connor: I'm going to copy Lachy's work because he's smart.
Me: Well I want to see you try to do this for yourself because I know for a fact there's a big brain in that head of yours.
Connor: No, I don't have a brain anymore. You wanna know why?
Me: Ok this should be good, why don't you have a brain anymore?
Connor: Because someone said something so crazy it made my brain explode and now it's gone.
Me: You're going to make my brain explode in a minute Connor. 
So Kim was in hospital this month suffering from organ failure, which you wouldn't think is a laughing matter. Kim didn't seem to get the memo that hospitals are serious however as the following story from Natalie shows.
Nat: When Kim was first admitted she was in and out of consciousness, and there was a heap of doctors around her at all times. One doctor in particular kept making suggestions for treatment options and he kept getting shut down. Obviously Kim was getting tired of it because at one stage she woke up looked at him and said "This is a house of learned doctors and you need to learn to listen." 
Me: Seriously?
Nat: Yeah. She had the doctors in stitches apparently. They told her about it the next morning and she refused to believe them at first. It wasn't until more people kept coming up to her and telling her the same story did she finally believe them. At one of their conferences they discussed a decision they'd made that had worked, and one of the doctors said it worked because they were learned doctors. 
The epilogue to that story is that after several weeks of some very serious treatments Kim is finally better, her organs are working again and she was discharged yesterday to continue healing at home. 

Nat: So Dave and I had an argument the other day.
Me: What was it this time?
Nat: He asked me to remind him to grab his drink bottles before we left to go home and I told him to set himself a reminder on his phone. Halfway home he remembers the drink bottles and he cracked it at me for not reminding him. I went off at him for not setting the reminder like I told him. I figured he realised at the time that was all I was going to do for him, I'm not his mother, and he's old enough to be doing this for himself now.
Me: I feel sorry for your poor children when you finally have them. You're going to be a mean mum.
Nat: What do you mean?
Me: You're six years old now, you're old enough to figure out how to get yourself up and out the door for school now.
Nat: Hey, blame the childcare industry. We're forced to foster independence in kids from a really young age.
Well that's all from this corner of the world, don't forget to visit all the other blogs participating today and keep the fun going.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

October Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for everyone's favourite post, Fly on the Wall. In this series a bunch of bloggers join up to share all of the crazy funny stuff you would see if you were a fly on the wall in their home.

Fly on the Wall

This month 7 bloggers are participating, so be sure to visit them all.

Menopausal Mother                     
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Bookworm in the Kitchen                
The Blogging 911                       

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Mum: I don't know, something.
Me: Well that narrows it down. Totally eliminates all of that nothing I was going to buy for you.

Me: Miss K get in the kitchen and make your lunch.
Miss K: You have to come with me, I need you.
Me: Why do you need me to be in the kitchen with you?
Miss K: Because I like you.
Me: Well I can't argue with that logic.

My niece Eliza turned 14 this month, and we had teppanyaki to celebrate. One of the dishes we ate was grilled prawn legs, which is an acquired taste to be sure.
Sam: Ever had a burger take a bite out of you?
Me: No, but I've had a prawn kick me in the teeth now. Oh God, it's still kicking on the way down.

Miss K went for her first interstate holiday during the term break this month, which included a trip to all of the super parks on the Gold Coast. She had so many stories to tell when she got back.
Miss K: I saw a kangaroo and a koala and the bird with the blue feathers on top.
Me: Do you mean an emu?
Miss K: No, not an emu, it was the bird with the blue feathers on top.
Me: It could have been a cassowary I guess
Miss K: No it wasn't a cassowary. It was the bird with the blue feathers. He gets chased by the wolf.
Me: Are you talking about the Road Runner?
Miss K: Yeah, the bird with the blue feathers on top.

Mum: So Nat had a weird dream last night.
Me: Oh yeah?
Mum: Yeah, she dreamed she was brushing her teeth, then she woke herself up by spitting into her own hand.
Me: Well that's just...lovely.

Miss K and mum were looking stuff up on the internet.
Miss K: Granny is that you?
Mum: No, that's a man thank you very much.
Me: You might want to run away now little girl.

On another day I was browsing Facebook when Miss K came and sat next to me.
Miss K: Mum is that you?
Me: No it's not me.
Miss K: Who is it then?
Me: I don't know, there are seven billion people in this planet kiddo, and a lot of them have the internet.
Miss K: So is it Aunty Sam then?
Me: Seven billion people kiddo. That is so much more than the ten people you know OK? We don't know who this person is.
Miss K: Is it Nat?
Me: I swear to God my head is about to explode.

Miss K: Can I watch telly?
Me: No, you're banned from watching telly. You're banned from everything right now.
Miss K: I'm hungry, I want dessert.
Me: No, you can't have dessert, you're banned remember? You're banned from everything.
Miss K: I'm not banned from being hungry though.
Me: Yes you are, you're banned from being hungry too so knock it off right now.

Well that's all from around here this month, don't forget to check out all the other blogs participating and see all of the crazy things that have happened elsewhere this month.

Saturday, 23 September 2017

September Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for September Fly on the Wall. In this series 7 bloggers are joining together to share all of the crazy and funny things you'd here if you were a fly on their wall.

Menopausal Mother                     
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Bookworm in the Kitchen                
The Blogging 911                       

Sam was muttering away to herself one day while we were working.
Me: Are you alright over there?
Sam: Yeah, it's called interesting conversations with interesting people.
Me: And the confused people who overhear them.

It was Father's Day in Australia at the beginning of this month, and Natalie decided to buy mum a megaphone as a Father's Day gift. She gave it to her a day early, while I was out visiting Sam. They then decided to pop in for a surprise visit to Sam's house, where mum walked into the house wearing a dinosaur mask and yelling into the megaphone "This is not a drill, I repeat it is not a drill, it is a megaphone." This would all have been hillarious were Sam and I not in the middle of a business phone call at the time. But we did laugh about the absurdity of the event afterwards.

I knew I was getting a good addition to this post when my little sister Natalie texted me asking if I was allowed to say coffee tits on my blog. The photo below explains why she needed to know.

So needless to say Nat has a new nickname now.

Nat: Dave bought me a new pillow, but it smells like that drink the cowboy.
Me: Well I guess that's a good thing as long as you like the smell of cowboys.
Nat: Dave thinks it smells like bamboo, does bamboo smell like alcohol?
Me: I...don't know what bamboo smells like. How is this possible? Mum, I've never smelled bamboo.
Mum: Seriously? You smell everything.
Me: I know. I guess that's something I have to add to the bucket list now. 

Me: Do you have some scissors I can borrow?
Sam: Certainly. Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find.
Me: Marco and ye shall polo?

And finally, Natalie had to have an MRI on her back this month, and she very helpfully wrote down some of the thoughts she had whilst strapped into a giant humming tube. With her permission I am repeating all of her thoughts below. As someone who has had several MRIs I can confirm that some of these thoughts are the same ones everyone has whilst stuck in those horrible machines. 

Thoughts from the MRI machine.... story by Natalie 
I'm really glad I put on pretty underwear... this robe covers nothing! 
I could be in a dubstep music video. 
Is the machine laughing at me? 
It sounds like the machine is saying "hahahahaha" let's see what else I can hear the machine saying ...:
"Party party party"
"Paddle battle"
"Don't cry" 
"Dub dub dub"
"Wub wub wub" 

I think someone is playing the theramin... they should make a cd of mri noises and sell it for Halloween parties. Some of these sounds are really creepy. 

Do I even have hands anymore? I can't feel them? I can't feel anything other than pain. I'm gonna have friction burn on my arms from the bed moving up and down... 
something is burning my arm... aaaaand now it's burning my leg

Of course my face is itchy right now

And that's all from me. Don't forget to check out all the other blogs participating.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

August Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for Fly on the Wall. In this series, bloggers join together to share with you just some of the insanity you would see if you were a fly on their wall.

This month 8 other bloggers are participating, so be sure to visit them all to see all the fun that has happened this month.

Menopausal Mother                     
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Cynful Thoughts                                
Evil Joy Speaks                              

Me: If it's not broke...
Nat: Buy a new one?
Me: No, don't fix it.
Nat: Oh right, I always get that one wrong.

Me: Miss K and I played tug-of-war with my pants today. I wanted to see if I could make them longer.
Mum: As you do.
Me: It didn't work unfortunately, I still have flood pants.

Nat: Tristan and I picked Ben up from work last night, and he was in a mood when he got in the car, he said it was because he'd had an argument with a woman at work about this "stupid plebcicle" When he said that Tristan and I both just lost it and started laughing. I had to explain to him that it was pronounced plebiscite.
Me: Oh please tell me he was calling it a plebcicle during the argument. That would have just made it ten times better.

Dad: I don't think I impressed Kim's friend too much?
Me: Oh? Why not?
Dad: Well I wanted a glass of wine, so I asked if either of them wanted a top up, and the friend did. So I asked her how many fingers she liked and both of them just started laughing. Shortly after that she found a reason to excuse herself for the night.
Me: I told Kim there had to be a good reason why you can tolerate me more than her, and now I know.

Miss K's school is doing a dress up parade at the end of book week. There have been many discussions over the past few weeks about costume ideas.
Me: I think I'm just going to say I'm dressing Miss K up as Where's Wally for the book parade and then just not send her to school that day.
Mum: That's genius. Then if they ask you where she was you can just say she was there the whole time, they just couldn't find her.

My nephew Matty was pretending to clean me with a tree branch
Matty: There you go, you're all clean. Oh, wait you'll never be really clean, you have a filthy mind.
Me: Ooh burn. You're too young for that level of sass young man.
Matty: Nope.

Mum: What's that on your butt? It's a chocolate sultana.
Me: Oh that's where that went. I lost it last night and spent ages looking for it. Except I was looking on the floor. It never occurred to me to search my butt.

Eliza: Have you ever broken down the word assassination? Ass sass in nation. Nation is the best place to have ass sass.

I was chatting on the phone with a friend Helen. Her daughter went to kindergarten with Miss K, and they're now both in prep together, so Helen and I spend a lot of time together.
Helen: There, I've just washed my makeup off my face.
Me: What? Did you just say you just put toilet water on your face?
Helen: No you drongo, I just washed my make up off.
Me: Oh thank goodness.

Me: Miss K thinks I have a magic butt.
Mum: Well that's...special.
Me: She kept putting things on my seat right as I was about to sit down, so I'd just palm them while she wasn't looking and she was convinced I was really making them disappear.
Mum: Well one day she's going to find out your butt isn't magic at all, just really big.
Me: Thanks. She was so disappointed when she found out her butt couldn't make things disappear, she just kept saying "I don't have a magic butt like you mum"

Sam and I were regaling her two kids with stories of the stupid things we've done in the past.
Sam: See this scar on my thumb? I worked in a restaurant when I was 17 and one day I chopped off the tip of my finger while cutting up the lettuce. I should have gotten stitches but the tip of the thumb got thrown out with the lettuce.
Me: I had to get stitches once. I cut my arm open cleaning up the glass I broke when I drove through my lounge room window and ended up with 5 stitches in my arm.
Eliza: Why did you drive through your lounge room window?
Me: I was trying to do a 3 point turn in my driveway and the lounge room got in the way.
Matty: How are you two still alive?

Sam: Remember that time we were playing Greek wedding with the kitchen tiles?
Me: Yeah, I sliced my thumb open with one of the broken tiles.
Eliza: What?
Sam: The kitchen in the first house your dad and I lived in had these horrible, ugly tiles on the wall, so we pulled them down, and started smashing them together like the Greeks do at weddings.
Me: And then we took sharpies and wrote swear words all over the exposed wall.
Eliza: What? why?
Sam: We were going to paint the walls anyway so we decided to have some fun since it was all going to be covered over soon anyway.
Me: I think Brad even drew a few penises for good measure
Sam: Except then we didn't end up getting the paint, and shortly after we moved out and left dad in the house with the swear words all over the kitchen. He had to paint it himself when he got sick of looking at it.

Well that's it for this month, I'll leave you with a photo of Miss K in her brand new ballerina uniform. We've started her in ballet this month to improve her balance and co-ordination and she's absolutely loving it. Every time I have to get her dressed for class she runs around the house in this uniform yelling "I'm a ballerina!!"

Saturday, 22 July 2017

July Fly on the Wall

Welcome one again to Fly on the Wall. The monthly series where a bunch of bloggers join together to share the crazy things you'd see and hear were you a fly on the wall in their house.

This month 8 bloggers are participating, be sure to check out all their links below to keep up the fun.

Menopausal Mother                    
Go Mama O                              
A Little Piece of Peace                 
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Matty had some McDonalds chips and he was feeding them to some seagulls when he discovered that Finding Nemo was all a lie.
Matty: They don't sound like they're saying "Mine" at all.

Mum: Miss K went to the toilet last night while I was in bed, and she's chatting to herself happily until she stops, and then goes "Ugh, not again." then went back to chatting.

Nat: I could always tell when my period was coming because my drinks of Coke would start to taste like hot dogs.

Miss K: Mum, what are you doing?
Me: I'm plucking a hair on my chin.
Miss K: Is that cos you're turning into a boy?
Me: Run away now little girl.

Nat: Dave was walking out of the room the other day and I thought he said "I'm going to go to the toilet and blame myself." I started laughing at him and told him what I heard. He went to the toilet and then I heard him saying "It's all my fault somehow"

Me: Alright, I'm going to go cook dinner now.
Miss K: I've already had dinner.
Me: What? No you haven't
Miss K: Yeah, I had a lollipop for dinner.
Me: A lollipop isn't dinner.
Miss K: Yes it is, I'm not hungry now.

I was serving ice cream for dessert one night.
Miss K: I love you.
Me: Are you talking to me or the dessert?
Miss K: The ice cream.

I was tearing the house apart looking for my shoes one day.
Me: Miss K have you seen my shoes?
Miss K starts giggling and runs out of the room. I follow her to her playroom where she is standing next to her toy box. Neatly placed inside her toy box were my shoes.
Miss K: I hid them from you.

Mum: So there's a cleaning product at work called Speed. Tonight Merv came in asking for a mop and bucket to clean an area and as he was walking out I yelled out after him "I've got some speed on the top shelf if you want it." It wasn't until I finished saying it that I realised how bad it sounded.

Well that's all from around here, don't forget to check out all the other blogs.

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Product Review - P'ure Papaya Care

Hello again everyone I am back to share another amazing product with you. As you all know I'm a sucker for natural beauty products. Especially when it comes to my daughter, I hate the thought of lathering her up with products full of harmful chemicals. So when I was contacted by the makers of P'ure Papaya Care I jumped at the chance to check out their products.

Phytocare is a company that makes 100% natural skin care products. Their products were created by a Daniel Baden, a naturopath with over 30 years experience in the industry, who has seen the long term effects that continued use of harmful chemicals has on skin, and he wanted to do something about it, so he started his own range of skincare products. The P'ure Papaya Care range has no petrochemicals in them at all, instead using all natural ingredients that are beneficial for your skin.

I was sent bottles of their papaya ointment as well as their vapour balm, and I was hooked from the beginning. The papaya ointment is so thick and creamy when you apply it, a little bit really goes a long way with this product, and even Miss K liked putting it on after a shower. You can feel the difference straight away once you've applied the ointment, and your skin feels so soft for ages afterwards. I'm not going to lie, I became a little bit obsessed with this stuff, and it got to the point where I had it sitting on my coffee table. so that any time someone new came into the house they'd have to ask about it and I made them all try it. This stuff is a definite winner, and with winter finally here I'm going to be keeping it in my handbag at all times now to help me battle the horrible dry skin I end up with every year.

The papaya vapour balm was awesome too. I wasn't sure whether we'd get a chance to try this one or not, but wouldn't you know it, Miss K and I both ended up with horrible colds shortly after my package arrived, which gave me the perfect excuse to give it a test run. The balm is made with eucalyptus and lemon myrtle, and to be honest I wasn't sure I would like that combination, but for some reason the smell reminded me of camping trips with my dad when I was a kid. (Normally dragging those memories up require three more months of therapy, but this time it made me feel happy) The smell is really refreshing which is always a plus for me, but more importantly the balm worked wonders on stuffy noses during the night and I slept easy knowing that I wasn't going to be woken up by two blocked noses at 3am. And because there are no petroleum based products in the balm either it didn't have that heavy greasy feeling you normally get with vapour rubs, which is part of the reason I normally just tough out blocked noses when I'm sick, but not any more.

One of the best aspects of these products is the lack of harmful chemicals. There is no petroleum based products in there, no artificial fragrances or preservatives, no nasty stuff at all. Just natural oils and ingredients. There is no palm oil, they don't test on animals and they are certified 100% natural, meaning the P'ure Papaya Care range is safe for the whole family to use. This product ticks all the boxes, and they are reasonably priced too, which is just the icing on the cake.

So if you suffer from dry, irritated skin and you're looking for a natural product to get your skin glowing again, check out P'ure Papaya Care today.

I received free products from P'ure Papaya Care for the purpose of this review. All opinions given here are my own and have in no way been influenced by P'ure Papaya Care or anyone else. Searching for Sanity is not affiliated with P'ure Papaya Care or their associates in any way.

Saturday, 24 June 2017

June Fly on the Wall

Welcome back to Fly on the Wall. This month 7 bloggers are joining together to show you all the weird and wonderful you would see if you were a fly on the wall in their house.

Fly on the Wall
Below is a list of all the blogs participating today, be sure to visit them all to enjoy all the crazy.

Menopausal Mother                     
A Little Piece of Peace                    
Never Ever Give Up Hope               
Bookworm in the Kitchen                      

Miss K: Mum you're a bandage.
Me: I'm a what?
Miss K: You're a bandage, a bad guy.
Me: Oh you mean bandit.
Miss K: Yeah. You're going to jail.

I got a call from Nat one night and she was in hysterics. I had direct instructions that the story she was about to tell had to be included in this post. I'd be more embarrassed to share this story were it not for the fact that this is just typical shenanigans for my dad and Kim.

So Dad and Kim travelled with Nat and her boyfriend Dave into the city to help one of our nieces celebrate her 18th birthday. They caught a tram into the city square, but the line they caught can be pretty confusing, some tram stops are placed at traffic lights, and others are placed after them. It turns out the stop they wanted was one of the stops placed after the traffic lights, but they didn't know this. So the tram stops at a red light and announces the name of their stop, so dad and Kim head towards the automatic doors and wait for them to open, except they don't because the tram isn't at the stop yet. So in true Kim form she started to panic and frantically pull at the doors, the stop button, anything she can get her hands on with no luck. Dad tries the door too but given he's a 64 year old man and the doors are electric he was no match for them. Nat and Dave tried to explain to both of them that they weren't at the stop yet, but neither were in any mood to listen to her and just kept pulling on the doors. It took a stranger to calm them down and explain that they needed to wait until the tram actually arrived at the designated stop before they could get off the tram.

So that part was bad enough, and it had me giggling pretty hard already. However, while I was on the phone with Natalie as she told me this story she had to stop talking for about two minutes to laugh, because while she'd turned her back on the group to speak to me, Kim had wandered off on her own and mistaken some random old man for dad and was currently trying to pull this poor confused man back with her to join the group. 

Words of encouragement from mum on my birthday

So I turned 33 at the end of May, and I decided that the best way to commemorate the increase in my age was to spend a day playing computer and board games at Sam and Jason's house, coupled with large amounts of junk food. I always say growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

Miss K and I were cooking dinner together one night.
Miss K: Mum, smell my fart.
Me: I don't want to smell your fart you feral.
Miss K: Ha ha, you already did.

Miss K has a reading log she's meant to bring home from school every single night. One night it wasn't in her bag, and she told me her teacher had instructed her to throw it away. I questioned her for ages because I knew that wasn't something that her teacher would say but she was insistent that she was just doing what she was told. So the next morning I went to see her teacher...
Mrs R: I looked in my bin last night and found Miss K's reading log in there.
Me: Yeah, she told me you told her to throw it away?
Mrs R: Oh. Oh, no there was a sticky note on the front, and it was looking pretty ratty so I pointed to that and told her she could throw it away as she didn't need it any more. I guess I should have been more specific.
Me: Yeah, she's a pretty literal person. 

Miss K's teacher is starting to learn just how literal Miss K is. However the work sheets she hands out aren't quite as sympathetic as she is. One sheet instructed the kids to draw a picture of a boy standing outside in spring. Sure enough Miss K translated that instruction literally and drew a picture of a boy surrounded by metal springs. 

Nat called me one day while I was at work with Sam, and after a short chat we ended the call, mainly because we both needed a bathroom break.
Me: Ok, I'm gonna go now, I'll be thinking of you while I'm on the toilet.
Nat: Thanks, you have fun with that, bye.
Sam: You two have a weird relationship.

I was working on a drawing of a taco while at work one day, and I decided to give him a sad face.
Sam: Why does that taco look so sad?
Me: He doesn't want to taco-bout it.
Cue me rolling on the floor at my hilarious dad level joke. 

Sam: So I was just having a dream that we were on the space station and we decided to play hide and seek, except something went wrong and you broke a window and we were about to get sucked out into space.
Me: Well it's a good thing that I woke you up then.
Sam: It is. Also if you ever do end up on the space station, please don't play hide and seek.
Me: Duly noted.

So that's all from this crazy corner of the world, I'm off to hunt out (or create) more shenanigans for next month.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

May Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for Fly on the Wall. The series that allows you a sneak peek of all the crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall at our house. 

Today 9 bloggers are participating in the fun. Be sure to visit them all to keep the fun going.

Menopausal Mother                     
Spatulas on Parade                    
A Little Piece of Peace                 
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Bookworm in the Kitchen                   

 I have a friend Helen whose daughter went to kindergarten with Miss K last year, and they've come to the same school as us this year. One day I had Helen on the phone with me for an hour worried senseless about her daughter's refusal to complete her school work and her attitude in general, and all I could do was reassure her that what her daughter was going through was pretty normal for a 6-year-old, and she shouldn't be so hard on herself. Not even an hour after I got off the phone with her the school called me to let me know Miss K had decided that day was the perfect day to go on strike and she was refusing to do any of her work. I got the issue sorted out, but figured this was just what Helen needed to hear to make her feel better. So, come pick up time I marched through the school gates to Miss K's classroom, interrupted Helen's conversation with some of the other mums and proudly yelled out
"You want proof all 6 year olds are assholes? my daughter went on strike today."     
Needless to say, my yelling got the attention of all the other mums, so Helen had to explain why I was yelling about asshole kids, and then we all spent the next 10 minutes sharing war stories of all the attitude we get off our darling children. On the plus side, Helen felt much better by the time the kids were finished school for the day. 

Miss K and I were snuggling together in my polar fleece blanket.
Miss K: This blanket is made of polar bear fleas. 

Nat: Did you know Dave has never seen Robin Hood Men in Tights?
Me: Seriously? Was he raised in a cupboard under the stairs or something?
Nat: I think so.

This is what happens when you leave my sister Nat unsupervised for 3 days. Her answer to my question was 'bout 5'4"

Miss K has discovered that she can whistle much to my dismay.
Me: Miss K put your whistle in your pocket.
Miss K simulates pulling a whistle out of her mouth and then mashes her hand in my face.
Me: Did you just take my whistle out too?
Miss K: No, I put it in you.
Me: That's what he said.
Miss K: What?
Me: Never mind. Are you ready to go yet?

Sam was complaining to me about someone talking crap about her to her husband Jason.
Sam: Don't waste your time being nice to my face only to talk crap about me behind my face.
Eliza starts laughing uncontrollably 
Sam: What?
Eliza: No, nothing, I just think it would be a bit hard to squeeze in behind your face to start talking about you.
Sam: Oh, yeah, it's behind my back, isn't it?
Me: Yeah.

Miss K: You have to marry dad.
Me: Nah, I don't wanna do that, he smells.
Miss K: If you don't marry daddy, he'll never be my uncle.
Me: Um that's not how that works sweetheart.

Nat: How do you make orange? It's yellow and red, right?
Me: Do I need to make you watch Blue’s Clues again to learn your colours?
Nat: Did I tell you about the time I tried to make purple paint at work?
Me: No.
Nat: So, purple is made of blue and red right? Well for some reason I mixed green and red together.
Me: So, you made a lovely shade of poo brown then?
Nat: Yep. I just stared at it and was like wait a minute, you're not purple.

One day I was at Sam's place typing up a blog post while she had a nap on the couch. At one stage, she sits bolt upright in her chair
I jump in fright and look over at her and she's staring into the kitchen. I look in the kitchen and see nothing.
Me: What the hell is what?
By the time the words have left my mouth she's lying back down again asleep and I had to spend the next ten minutes trying to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. I still have no idea what she saw because she doesn't remember it at all.

Me: I remember when you went through that phase where you wanted to name all your pets foreign words for animals. Like you have a fish and you name it fish.
Nat: Yeah, the problem with that was the only other word I knew for fish was from an Asian language and it was literally just five or six fs. So, I would have just gone around saying "This is my fish, ffffff."

Text from Ady. Just call me Amy Farafella. Also, my go to attack seems to be to accuse everyone of being high the minute they stop making any sense to me.

Mum: So, the youngest cleaner at school is dating one of the students, and she comes and helps him at work. Well she's been taking a lot of days off lately to take care of her mum, and she's been warned she needs to start attending more. Tonight, she's helping her boyfriend and she spots her co-ordinator talking to someone else and she ducks out of sight. Five minutes later her boyfriend comes walking down the path with a random bin he's not meant to have, and no girlfriend to be seen. He was sneaking her past the teacher in the bin. 

The following conversation is related to the computer game Minecraft
Nat: The other night my pigs decided to form a pig centipede.
Me: Ew, that's creepy.
Nat: Yeah it is, to say the least. Actually, to say the least would be to say "eh".
Me: And to think we used to have to pretend to laugh at your jokes when you were a kid.
Nat: Hey! Maybe it was a good thing that worked.
Me: Well that was the plan.
Nat: Dave thinks I'm funny.
Me: Dave grew up living under the stairs, of course he thinks you're funny.

Sam: There's one important thing we forgot to consider when buying our son a bunk bed.
Me: Oh yeah? What's that?
Sam: How long it takes to get off a bunk bed when you need to vomit.
Me: Oh dear. 
I'll spare you the gory details, but needless to say, my nephew didn't make it to the toilet in time.

Sam A: I used to be convinced that my life was like a reality show and I was the star.
Me: I used to think that too, but it made me really self-conscious when I needed to pick my nose. 

Miss K: Mum is my heart beating?
I put my head on her chest and check
Me: It sure is kiddo.
Miss K: So, I'm not dead then?
Me: No, I'm pretty sure you're still alive.
Miss K: Phew.

I help out in Miss K's class on Fridays. This is a conversation I had with one of the boys in the reading group I take each week.
Connor: Your name is Grumpy Old Man Zucchini.
Me: Oh yeah? Well your name is Disgruntled Pumpkin. 
Connor: You're completely bonkers.
Me: Yep.

Well that's all the crazy I can squeeze into one post for now, be sure to visit all the other bloggers as they've all got their own special brand of fun going on today too.

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Short Story Shorter

Can you make a statement on any topic in just 7 words? It's harder than it looks, but apparently it can be done. I have never been known for my ability to keep things short and sweet, but I salute anyone who can, like former president George W. Bush who was able to sum up President Trump's inauguration in just 5 words; "That was some weird shit." What else needs to be said really?

So when the wonderful Karen from Baking in a Tornado gave me the opportunity to join forces with her and try to make our statements short and sweet I jumped at the chance. This isn't a new idea by any means, but that didn't mean we didn't have a heap of fun along the way. Credit must be given to Coach Daddy who runs this as a regular challenge using 6 word answers, and was part of the inspiration behind us deciding to give it a go.

So the idea behind this challenge is pretty simple. Karen and I each came up with a heap of different topics, and we each have to say something on all of the topics in 7 words. No more, no less which is quite difficult for both Karen and I. Be sure to visit Karen's website after this to get her take on the topics as well.

1. April showers
Mean winter is on its way soon

2. Doing laundry
Is it legal to go naked yet?

3. The joy of toddlers
You're saying I'm meant to enjoy this?

4. Do you ever get enough sleep?
No, because I sleep with barnacle girl.

5. Could you last a day without internet?
I lasted 13 years so why not? 

6. Weekends
Still mean work because of my daughter

7. What's your reaction when you see a spider in the house?
How long until Miss K starts screaming?

8. How do you feel about getting older?
I just keep getting better with age.

9. What's your favourite form of exercise?
Does pushing my luck count as exercise?

10.Apply a parenting lesson to politics
Nappies and politicians should be changed regularly

11. What is something you feel naked without?
My handbag, it stores my entire life.

12. What is the weirdest thing you have eaten?
Probably chicken feed pellets as a kid

13. Your best parenting advice to new parents
It gets easier I promise, just breathe.

14. Time travel
I'd go back and meet Oscar Wilde

15. What would your superpower be?
Eyes in the back of my head.

16. Dieting
Is for suckers, pass me the chocolate.

17. What makes a best friend?
Someone who knows you inside and out

18. What is your least favourite chore
I absolutely loathe having to do dishes.

19. Which is better, sweet or savoury?
Sweets will always win in my eyes.

20. What is the best invention ever? 
Milky coffee - without it life is sluggish

Whew, that took more counting on my fingers than I am prepared to admit to right now, but there you have it. If any of you have alternate answers to any of the questions, I'd love to hear them in the comments below. Also don't forget to visit Karen's blog and check out her answers too. 

Saturday, 22 April 2017

April Fly on the Wall - Medical Woes up the Wazoo

It's time once again for Fly on the Wall. Today 7 bloggers have all joined forces to share with you just some of the crazy thing you would see or hear if you were a fly on their wall.

Fly on the Wall
Below is a list of all the bloggers participating this month, be sure to visit them all and enjoy the hilarity. 

Menopausal Mother                     
A Little Piece of Peace                 
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Bookworm in the Kitchen                  

Miss K got a nasty splinter in her big toe the other week, It was pretty deep, and to get the splinter out and the area cleaned up was no easy task, which of course Miss K objected to vigorously. Once I'd gotten the worst of the job done, and I'd had enough of having to make her scream I pulled her into my lap for a cuddle when she dropped a guilt bomb on me.
Miss K: There's a hole in my foot.
Me: It's not a hole, it's just a cut. I had to cut your foot to get to all the dirt honey. I don't want you getting an infection. 
Miss K: There's a hole in my foot that YOU put there.

The very next day she went to the park with her dad and they'd not been out the door ten minutes when he calls me.
Ady: So Miss K's got a new injury.
Me: What happened?
Ady: She kissed a pole and now she has a huge bruise on her lip.
Me: How hard did she kiss it?
Ady: I dunno. she came up to me crying and when I told her to show me what happened she just walked over to a pole and kissed it.
When they got home Miss K very indignantly told me she hadn't been kissing poles, she'd been sliding down them and accidentally smacked her face. She was more insulted that her father would go around spreading such a false story about her than anything else.

That weekend I was telling my little brother Ben about having to operate on Miss K's toe during the week
Me: I get my surgery skills from dad. I still remember that time he got a nasty cut on his finger and gave himself stitches.
Ben: That's nothing. One time while I was living with him, he cut the tip of his finger off, and I had to hold it in place for him so he could put a band-aid on it.

Nat and I were discussing a request she'd been given to pick our sister Kim up from hospital, which she refused because of back pain.
Me: Well of course you can't go pick her up, you're in too much pain right now. You should be taking care of yourself right now, everyone else can bugger off.
Nat: Well if it wasn't for Dave reminding me that I'm meant to be taking it easy right now and taking care of myself I probably would have jumped up and helped her without thinking.
Me: Well good on Dave for doing that. Give him a high five from me.
Nat: In the face?
Me: With a chair!

While visiting my sister Sam and her kids one day
Eliza: Does anyone know what Anatidaephobia means?
Me: It's the fear that you're being watched by a duck.
Sam and Matty both laugh, thinking I'm being stupid.
Eliza: It's the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.
Sam: How the hell did you even know that?
Me: It's all my dank memes.

Mum: One word of advice for you Erin.
Me: Ok.
Mum: Don't have kids.
Me: Thanks mum. It's six years too late, but thank you anyway.

So my sister in law Sam had her gall bladder removed on a Monday, and three days later she and my brother Josh came over to our house for a cuppa.
Me: Why aren't you at home resting?
Sam: I don't know, I'm crazy like that.
Me: Most people would take surgery as an excuse to lie in bed for a week and do nothing but sleep.
Josh: Well I keep trying but she won't let me.

Later that day Sam was complaining about how Josh stonewalls her when he's angry
Josh: I need time to calm down so I can think about what I want to say.
Me: Learn to meditate Josh, it makes it happen faster.
Josh: I already do that every day. Oh, wait you said meditate not masturbate.

Me: Hmm, ladyfinger roll cakes
Mum starts giggling to herself
Me; Oh grow up.

Two young Mormon missionaries come to my house every week for a chat. One time they ended the visit by asking if I need any help.
Elder: Is there anything we can do to help you this week?
Me: No, I'm pretty good right now.
Elder: Are you sure? we can mow the lawns if you like.
Me: Nah, it's cool, I hire a local man to do it every few weeks, it helps the economy and I don't have to do it myself. But if you really want to help, there's a massive wolf spider on my daughter's trampoline that I can't kill.
Elder: Oh dear no, I'm terrified of spiders, I'll do anything except that. 
Me: Then I'm all good for now, thanks.

Later that night
Mum: Why did you ask him to kill the spider for you?
Me: I knew he wouldn't do it. He's told me before he's terrified of spiders.
Me: That's just mean.
Me: Well the last time a missionary offered help I asked him to babysit Miss K for me so I could have a nap but that was just as terrifying a request apparently. 

Before you get angry at me for picking on the missionaries, please know that he gives as good as he takes. This particular missionary is a young lad from Tonga, and because he knows I know absolutely nothing about Tonga he's always teasing me. That same visit, I was discussing my trip to Vanuatu when I was 20.
Me: It was amazing, I drank coconut water straight from the coconut.
Elder: Oh my back yard is full of coconut trees.
Me: Really? That's awesome.
Elder: No, not really. But I do drink coconut water straight from the coconut. It tastes better.
Me: Ohh ok. Well I saw banana trees for the first time too. I had no idea bananas grew in giant balls.
Elder; Oh my house is made from banana palms.
Me: Really that's cool.
Elder: No, it's not really. But my back yard is full of banana trees. 
Me: I don't know what to believe any more. 

Me: What is Maundy Thursday?
Mum: I don't know, why do you think I would know.
Me: You call yourself a Catholic.
Mum: Look it up.
Me: It's also known as Holy Thursday
Mum: That's what we called it.
Me: No explanation on what Easter Monday is about.
Mum: That's when the chocolate's on sale. 

Miss K spent Easter at her Nonna's house in Melbourne this year, so I had to wish her a happy Easter over Skype on Easter Sunday
Me: Happy Easter baby girl.
Miss K: Buona Pasqua mama (happy Easter in Italian)
Me: Buona Pasqua!
Nonna: See, I told you mummy would know what you meant.
Miss K: You said buona Pasqua mummy!
Nonna: When I first taught her how to say it, she kept saying buona pasta.
Me: Were you wishing everyone a happy pasta Miss K?
Miss K: Yeah.

My little sister Natalie had to get an ingrown toenail cut out yesterday, and she's never had the highest pain threshold in the world, even with three doses of anaesthetic in her foot she could feel the toenail being cut out
Nat: I hate when they ask you obvious questions. At one stage I said ouch, and the doctor stopped and said "are you alright? is that hurting you?" I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from giving a sarcastic answer, as he had a scalpel to my foot at the time, so I didn't want to piss him off.
Me: I don't blame you.
Nat: Dave hates it, because I'll always give him a sarcastic answer to his obvious questions, but then he's never holding a scalpel to my foot at the time.
Me: Note to self, buy Dave a scalpel for his birthday. That way if he wants to ask you an obvious questions he can just threaten you with it at the same time.

Well that's all from this mad house for another month, don't forget to buzz on over to all the other blogs and enjoy the rest of the madness.
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