November Fly on the Wall

Hello again my lovelies, it is time for the second last Fly on the Wall for the year. For any newcomers to this series what happens is a group of bloggers all join forces to share with you all the crazy and funny things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in our houses this month.


This month 7 bloggers are participating. Be sure to visit them all and check out all of the fun.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                

The Blogging 911                       

Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie please? Me: No it's too close to dinner time. Miss K: Please? I want one. Me: Too bad. Please stop nagging me. Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie? Me: No. I said stop nagging me please. Miss K: I didn't nag because I didn't say please. We had a big thunderstorm come through the town yesterday. This is how my nephew Jakey responds to thunder. Jakey: What was that?
Sam: That was just thunder. Jakey: No, I think it's a bomb. I woke up one morning to Miss K making my bed while I was still in it. As it was still early I rolled over and went back to sleep until my alarm when off. When I finally decided to get up all hell broke loose. Miss K: Mum, you messed up the bed. I just made that. Me: Welcome to parenting sweetheart, where kids mess your shit up as you're cleaning. Pro tip though, next time don't make the bed while someone is still sleeping in it. I was helping in Miss K's class when one of her classmates dropped this gem on me Connor: I'm going to copy Lachy's work because he's smart. Me: Well I want to see you try to do this for yourself because I know for a fact there's a big brain in that head of yours. Connor: No, I don't have a brain anymore. You wanna know why?
Me: Ok this should be good, why don't you have a brain anymore?
Connor: Because someone said something so crazy it made my brain explode and now it's gone. Me: You're going to make my brain explode in a minute Connor.  So Kim was in hospital this month suffering from organ failure, which you wouldn't think is a laughing matter. Kim didn't seem to get the memo that hospitals are serious however as the following story from Natalie shows. Nat: When Kim was first admitted she was in and out of consciousness, and there was a heap of doctors around her at all times. One doctor in particular kept making suggestions for treatment options and he kept getting shut down. Obviously Kim was getting tired of it because at one stage she woke up looked at him and said "This is a house of learned doctors and you need to learn to listen."  Me: Seriously? Nat: Yeah. She had the doctors in stitches apparently. They told her about it the next morning and she refused to believe them at first. It wasn't until more people kept coming up to her and telling her the same story did she finally believe them. At one of their conferences they discussed a decision they'd made that had worked, and one of the doctors said it worked because they were learned doctors.  The epilogue to that story is that after several weeks of some very serious treatments Kim is finally better, her organs are working again and she was discharged yesterday to continue healing at home. 
Nat: So Dave and I had an argument the other day. Me: What was it this time?
Nat: He asked me to remind him to grab his drink bottles before we left to go home and I told him to set himself a reminder on his phone. Halfway home he remembers the drink bottles and he cracked it at me for not reminding him. I went off at him for not setting the reminder like I told him. I figured he realised at the time that was all I was going to do for him, I'm not his mother, and he's old enough to be doing this for himself now. Me: I feel sorry for your poor children when you finally have them. You're going to be a mean mum. Nat: What do you mean? Me: You're six years old now, you're old enough to figure out how to get yourself up and out the door for school now. Nat: Hey, blame the childcare industry. We're forced to foster independence in kids from a really young age. Well that's all from this corner of the world, don't forget to visit all the other blogs participating today and keep the fun going.

April Fly on the Wall - Medical Woes up the Wazoo

It's time once again for Fly on the Wall. Today 7 bloggers have all joined forces to share with you just some of the crazy thing you would see or hear if you were a fly on their wall.


Below is a list of all the bloggers participating this month, be sure to visit them all and enjoy the hilarity. 

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade  

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                  

Miss K got a nasty splinter in her big toe the other week, It was pretty deep, and to get the splinter out and the area cleaned up was no easy task, which of course Miss K objected to vigorously. Once I'd gotten the worst of the job done, and I'd had enough of having to make her scream I pulled her into my lap for a cuddle when she dropped a guilt bomb on me.

Miss K: There's a hole in my foot.

Me: It's not a hole, it's just a cut. I had to cut your foot to get to all the dirt honey. I don't want you getting an infection. 

Miss K: There's a hole in my foot that YOU put there.

The very next day she went to the park with her dad and they'd not been out the door ten minutes when he calls me.

Ady: So Miss K's got a new injury.

Me: What happened?
Ady: She kissed a pole and now she has a huge bruise on her lip.

Me: How hard did she kiss it?

Ady: I dunno. she came up to me crying and when I told her to show me what happened she just walked over to a pole and kissed it.

When they got home Miss K very indignantly told me she hadn't been kissing poles, she'd been sliding down them and accidentally smacked her face. She was more insulted that her father would go around spreading such a false story about her than anything else.

That weekend I was telling my little brother Ben about having to operate on Miss K's toe during the week
Me: I get my surgery skills from dad. I still remember that time he got a nasty cut on his finger and gave himself stitches.
Ben: That's nothing. One time while I was living with him, he cut the tip of his finger off, and I had to hold it in place for him so he could put a band-aid on it.

Nat and I were discussing a request she'd been given to pick our sister Kim up from hospital, which she refused because of back pain.

Me: Well of course you can't go pick her up, you're in too much pain right now. You should be taking care of yourself right now, everyone else can bugger off.

Nat: Well if it wasn't for Dave reminding me that I'm meant to be taking it easy right now and taking care of myself I probably would have jumped up and helped her without thinking.

Me: Well good on Dave for doing that. Give him a high five from me.

Nat: In the face?

Me: With a chair!

While visiting my sister Sam and her kids one day

Eliza: Does anyone know what Anatidaephobia means?

Me: It's the fear that you're being watched by a duck.

Sam and Matty both laugh, thinking I'm being stupid.

Eliza: It's the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Sam: How the hell did you even know that?

Me: It's all my dank memes.

Mum: One word of advice for you Erin.

Me: Ok.

Mum: Don't have kids.

Me: Thanks mum. It's six years too late, but thank you anyway.

So my sister in law Sam had her gall bladder removed on a Monday, and three days later she and my brother Josh came over to our house for a cuppa.

Me: Why aren't you at home resting?
Sam: I don't know, I'm crazy like that.

Me: Most people would take surgery as an excuse to lie in bed for a week and do nothing but sleep.

Josh: Well I keep trying but she won't let me.

Later that day Sam was complaining about how Josh stonewalls her when he's angry

Josh: I need time to calm down so I can think about what I want to say.

Me: Learn to meditate Josh, it makes it happen faster.

Josh: I already do that every day. Oh, wait you said meditate not masturbate.

Me: Hmm, ladyfinger roll cakes

Mum starts giggling to herself

Me; Oh grow up.

Two young Mormon missionaries come to my house every week for a chat. One time they ended the visit by asking if I need any help.

Elder: Is there anything we can do to help you this week?
Me: No, I'm pretty good right now.

Elder: Are you sure? we can mow the lawns if you like.

Me: Nah, it's cool, I hire a local man to do it every few weeks, it helps the economy and I don't have to do it myself. But if you really want to help, there's a massive wolf spider on my daughter's trampoline that I can't kill.

Elder: Oh dear no, I'm terrified of spiders, I'll do anything except that. 

Me: Then I'm all good for now, thanks.

Later that night

Mum: Why did you ask him to kill the spider for you?
Me: I knew he wouldn't do it. He's told me before he's terrified of spiders.

Me: That's just mean.

Me: Well the last time a missionary offered help I asked him to babysit Miss K for me so I could have a nap but that was just as terrifying a request apparently. 

Before you get angry at me for picking on the missionaries, please know that he gives as good as he takes. This particular missionary is a young lad from Tonga, and because he knows I know absolutely nothing about Tonga he's always teasing me. That same visit, I was discussing my trip to Vanuatu when I was 20.

Me: It was amazing, I drank coconut water straight from the coconut.

Elder: Oh my back yard is full of coconut trees.

Me: Really? That's awesome.

Elder: No, not really. But I do drink coconut water straight from the coconut. It tastes better.

Me: Ohh ok. Well I saw banana trees for the first time too. I had no idea bananas grew in giant balls.

Elder; Oh my house is made from banana palms.

Me: Really that's cool.

Elder: No, it's not really. But my back yard is full of banana trees. 

Me: I don't know what to believe any more. 

Me: What is Maundy Thursday?

Mum: I don't know, why do you think I would know.

Me: You call yourself a Catholic.

Mum: Look it up.

Me: It's also known as Holy Thursday

Mum: That's what we called it.

Me: No explanation on what Easter Monday is about.

Mum: That's when the chocolate's on sale. 

Miss K spent Easter at her Nonna's house in Melbourne this year, so I had to wish her a happy Easter over Skype on Easter Sunday
Me: Happy Easter baby girl.
Miss K: Buona Pasqua mama (happy Easter in Italian)
Me: Buona Pasqua!
Nonna: See, I told you mummy would know what you meant.
Miss K: You said buona Pasqua mummy!
Nonna: When I first taught her how to say it, she kept saying buona pasta.
Me: Were you wishing everyone a happy pasta Miss K?
Miss K: Yeah.

My little sister Natalie had to get an ingrown toenail cut out yesterday, and she's never had the highest pain threshold in the world, even with three doses of anaesthetic in her foot she could feel the toenail being cut out
Nat: I hate when they ask you obvious questions. At one stage I said ouch, and the doctor stopped and said "are you alright? is that hurting you?" I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from giving a sarcastic answer, as he had a scalpel to my foot at the time, so I didn't want to piss him off.
Me: I don't blame you.
Nat: Dave hates it, because I'll always give him a sarcastic answer to his obvious questions, but then he's never holding a scalpel to my foot at the time.
Me: Note to self, buy Dave a scalpel for his birthday. That way if he wants to ask you an obvious questions he can just threaten you with it at the same time.

Well that's all from this mad house for another month, don't forget to buzz on over to all the other blogs and enjoy the rest of the madness.

Why I Started, and Why I can't Stop Volunteering - a guest post

Last year I was contacted by a lovely lady Ashley Stafford, who is a volunteer with Treat Mesothelioma. She wanted an opportunity to share her story, as well as a chance to spread awareness about the horror that is Mesothelioma and she asked whether I would help. Below are her words, as well as a stack of very helpful links to further information on Mesothelioma for you to check out.

When my best friends dad, Rick Romanenko, was diagnosed with pleural mesothelioma, I saw a family get turned upside down, I was turned upside down.  Everything that felt right, everything that felt in order was now backwards.

With general/common cancers, people always tell you to never lose hope and to always have faith that things will get better.  Well, with mesothelioma unfortunately, there are no options or hopes for a curing miracle. When Rick was pronounced dead to this asbestos related cancer. It was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to witness to date and that is why I began volunteering and raising awareness.  

Before Rick, I had never even heard of mesothelioma, nor for asbestos for that matter.  Except for the late television commercials or the radio ads from a mesothelioma law firm.  That was the only connection I had to this cancer, but one thing… one question… kept running through my head…

Why was he diagnosed in such a late stage of this cancer?

I soon learned that mesothelioma is extremely difficult to diagnose because it commonly gets mistaken for the common cold.  The reason for it’s usual inaccurate diagnose is because of it’s very mild symptoms. Mesothelioma symptoms include:

• Bad cough
• Fever
• Stomach aches
• Shortness of breath
• Loss of appetite
• Chest pains, etc.

If you’d like to learn more about mesothelioma symptoms for each type of mesothelioma, please watch this video here: Video for Mesothelioma Symptoms

To me that just seems crazy.  How can a terminal form of cancer have such mild warning signs?  How can you I prevent this from happening again?  I started volunteering.

I researched mesothelioma from a – z and realized the best way to save lives is to help them become aware of the dangers of asbestos and all of its most common locations.  If a person knows he or she has been exposed to asbestos, you will know to be screened for mesothelioma.  Given that you get screened annually and that it is completed by a mesothelioma specialist, you will certainly have the best odds to catch it in its beginning stages.  Catching mesothelioma early on can extend life expectancy by tens of years.  

After months of volunteering, I have learned that there is something extremely gratifying about it. Every time I volunteer, I feel better and healthier mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In fact, volunteering has now become a part of me. I feel as though I get something positive back from every volunteer effort I complete and life around me just seems more complete.

Every time I volunteer I feel happy because I know that I’m helping and restoring hope to the people battling mesothelioma cancer. I try my hardest to make them feel socially connected thereby warding off any type of depression and loneliness. As a person that has been affected by mesothelioma, I relate their experience with my past. Volunteers make those affected think about something else other than the present challenges.

This is very important because it prevents the stress that is associated with mesothelioma from infiltrating into the lives of the affected and I feel happy doing it. Volunteering for and with others increases my social interactions and this helps in establishing a support system on the basis of common interests and commitment. Both of these are important in decreasing the state of depression that either party could be feeling.

The social connection that comes with volunteering makes me feel that I am part of my society. I feel emotionally connected to the people that I interact with.  I also get a unique feeling of contentment. The more I volunteer the happier and content I feel. This enhances my own personal wellbeing while strengthening the emotional bond between my and who ever it is I am reaching out to.

Volunteering brings me a sort of inner gratification and peace. It gives me a sense of a meaningful purpose. I feel as though my life is finally balanced in the sense of what I give versus what I take from society.  This world that we live in needs a sense of balance more than ever and this balance begins and starts within each and every one of us.  That is why I won’t stop volunteering at Mesothelioma Treatment Community any time soon.

November Fly on the Wall

Welcome once again to Fly on the Wall. The series where a group of bloggers join together to share all of the crazy that happens to us on a monthly basis.



This month there are six bloggers participating, be sure to visit them all, and share the love around.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                       

Go Mama O                                                                             

Spatulas on Parade                      

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                             

Southern Belle Charm                    

Me (reading) : What? butt pastel? Kim: Ooh I love butt pasta. Me: Oh wait, it says butt paste. Kim: Well this is awkward, I just admitted I love butt pasta unnecessarily.
Mum: Oh look at this, it's a guest house for an elf, how cute. It's $53? Hell they can find their own bloody accommodation then.

Auto correct strikes again...

My big sister Sam was complaining to me about her newly minted teenage daughter's antics. Me: I dread the day Miss K becomes a teenager because she'll be a wog teenager. It's going to be drama plus loud.
My sister in law Sam came over for a coffee earlier this week. Sam: Lexi's end of year concert is coming up next month, if you wanted to come. Me: Absolutely, we'll be there. (To Miss K) Lexi's school concert is in a few weeks, do you want to go watch? Miss K: Yes please! I want to be a tree! (proceeds to do her best tree impression) Me: Well luckily you don't need to wait until the concert to be a tree, you can be one whenever you like!
Nat: Did I tell you I talked in my sleep the other night? Me: No, what happened? Nat: So I sat up and said to Dave "Stop lying to Gotham City" so he asked "Why am I lying to the people of Gotham City?" and I said "Cos you're Batman." I remembered nothing of it the next morning when he asked me.

This seriously was easier than going directly to the birthday boy. Despite the fact it took over 2 hours to get my message to him.

Ok so this story actually happened back in August, but I only just heard about my dad's antics this month. When Tristan's dad died, my dad and Kimberley went down to Melbourne for the funeral, and Natalie and Kimberley got to experience my dad's most graceful moment to date. Nat: When we got to the funeral the parking was full, and there were heaps of cop cars there for a different funeral at the home, so we had to park a while away from the funeral home. At the end of funeral we were walking back to the car, and we were on the footpath, and dad passed a comment asking why we were walking on the footpath when we could cut across the garden, and then he does this majestic prance across the garden. I've never seen him so graceful.
Nat and I were discussing her high school friends. Nat: Ash stopped liking me when we started drinking together. She didn't like drunk Natalie. Me: No one likes drunk Natalie, you're loud and obnoxious. Nat: Dave likes drunk Natalie, he thinks she's fun. Me: Dave thinks the sun shines out your butt, of course he likes drunk Natalie.
Any of my long time readers know that my baby sister Kimberley has had a slew of health issues over the past year. Well this month she ended up in hospital because her liver failed thanks to an accidental paracetamol overdose. thanks to the staff at our local hospital, by the time she came home she had a staph infection and a blood clot in her arm, and she was stuck with a PICC line in her arm so she can have constant antibiotic infusions for the foreseeable future. While it hasn't all been fun and games there were a few moments we could all find to laugh about.
Nat and I were texting  Me: So is there any news about Kim yet? Nat: She has a staff infection At this point I had to call her. Me: Ok, you do realise you just told me your sister has an infection of employees don't you? Staph is not spelt with a double f. Nat: Well I'm just spelling it how Kimberley spelt it. Me: Of course, why didn't I realise that?
Nat and her new partner Dave were going to visit Kim in hospital after she'd found out about the staph infection, and when he told his mum, her only advice was not to touch the walls. We all had a giggle about it at the time as Kim's infection was in her blood, so just being in a room with her was not dangerous. Nat must have told Kim about it, because she had to have a dig at him when she finally got out of hospital.
Kim: Oh mum it was the weirdest thing, Nat and Dave showed up while I was in hospital, and all of a sudden he just starts licking the walls. It was so strange.

Couldn't start setting unrealistic expectations once I'd admitted I'm this lazy.

We were trying to explain the concept of jealousy to Miss K and we each gave her examples of things we could be jealous of.
Eliza: I'm jealous of you Miss K because you don't have to wear a bra. Me: I'm jealous of you because you play the piano so well. Kim: I'm jealous of you because you get to go to kindergarten and play all day and I have to stay home. Miss K: Mum, I'm jealous of you because everyone says Miss K, you're a d**khead. Me: Ok first of all no one says that... I couldn't continue to correct her on her sentence because all of us were on the floor in stitches. That girl is going to be the death of me. 
Well that's all from this crazy corner of the world, don't forget to visit the rest of the bloggers participating today, and also please let me know in the comments down below that my daughter isn't the only five year old with a mouth that would make a sailor blush. I'm beginning to think she is actually listening to everything I'm saying...

The hidden effects of bulimia

I am going to admit something to you guys that I have only admitted to two of my immediate family members and no one else. I've kept this little secret to myself for two reasons; one because it doesn't look too good for me, and two because it looks like I'm trying to blame my problems on my baby sister.

If any of you read my piece on R U OK day for 2016 (you can find it here) you'll know that my little sister is currently living with my mum and I while she tries to recover from bulimia, PTSD, and now suspected Fibromyalgia. Her health problems and mental problems fill up her whole life, and as an extension they fill up our lives as we live with her. While I've always had an idea how hard bulimia was to overcome, I never suspected it could affect people not suffering from it quite like it does. That's the thing about mental disorders, they are insidious and sneaky and plague you in ways you never thought possible.

Which is why yesterday I had to Google the phrase "are eating disorders contagious". You see ever since Kimberley has come to live with us, I have developed a hatred for food. I hate the way it has become an obsession for my little sister, I hate how much of her day revolves around cooking and eating food, I hate that our kitchen is always full of dirty dishes because she got peckish yet again. At first I avoided cooking because it always meant having to wash a mountain of dishes just to get enough supplies to cook something for me. This really isn't a problem around here right now because Kimberley loves cooking, so she gladly picked up the slack that I dropped. Then I spent weeks listening to Kimberley talk about all the different restaurants she's been to, the meals she's cooked, the meals she wants to cook, the meals she managed to keep down, and the ones she didn't, and I got food fatigue. I was so tired of hearing about food, of talking about food, of watching someone be consumed by food that I began to hate the very fuel that is meant to keep my body going.

I stopped just avoiding cooking and began to start avoiding eating as well. Food held no joy for me anymore, and I lost my appetite almost entirely. I still managed to organise meals for Miss K, but I stopped eating with her. I would wait until she went to bed and eat a rice cake or a bag of Doritos instead of sitting down to a proper meal. Kimberley nagged me to eat more, and this just made me angry. How dare a person who can't even manage their own relationship with food lecture me on mine. This seemed to make my own issues magnify and when Miss K went for a holiday at her dad's house for a week I stopped caring for food entirely. I lived the entire week on yogurt for breakfast and rice cakes for dinner, with ice cream for dessert. It was a throwback to a time before I had Miss K when I would eat cereal for every meal and be happy doing so. I was almost happy when Miss K's dad told me she'd spent her last night at his house throwing up, because it meant I had to give her something very light for dinner her first night back, just in case she was still sick.

It slowly dawned on me that my behaviour was becoming problematic. I began to wonder why I had such an aversion to food now, when it used to be the only good thing in my life once upon a time. (That was in my late teens when emotional eating made me balloon out to a size 20.) I've never been one to diet, and while I've not always had the healthiest relationship with food, I've certainly become smarter about it ever since Miss K came along, and usually I try my hardest to eat a balanced diet. The thing is, I don't actually believe I have an eating disorder, what I have is a whole lot of anger. I am angry at food for the hold it has on my little sister. But I can't punish food for being such a toxic subject in my house, so like the true passive aggressive I am, I avoid it entirely. Is it healthy? No. Does it solve anything? Hell no.

There isn't a lot of attention paid online to the effects eating disorders have on the people surrounding the sufferer. It is always briefly acknowledged that yes, you will struggle as you try to help the person you love, and here are some of the things you may feel, however get over it princess because here is what you now need to do to help the person with an eating disorder. There is no article called "How to survive your sister's bulimia" which would really help me right now.

Now like I said at the beginning of this, the reason I haven't admitted this to anyone is because it sounds like I am blaming Kimberley for admitting she has a problem. Do I wish Kimberley hadn't reached out to us for help? No. Not at all. I'd rather have a sister who is alive and openly struggling than a sister who died because of a secret. As much as she bugs the hell out of me on a weekly basis, the alternative is far worse. What I really hope to achieve by sharing my dirty little secret with you is showing that helping someone get through something like this is bloody hard, and you will feel like shit sometimes. This is OK, and you can't feel guilty for having your own reactions to the situation you are living. There is help out there for families, you just won't find a lot of it on the internet. You will need to go to the professionals, and I am no different. For any one out there reading this who is currently hiding their own eating disorder, please understand that reaching out for help is the best thing you can do. The people you love would much rather help you bear your burdens and feel these feelings than be kept blissfully unaware and in the dark.

As for me, this is the part where I suck it up princess. It's not my job to fight with food, and doing so is counter-productive, so I need to stop taking my anger out on food and start dealing with my feelings like an adult. Realising what my problem was has helped, so it can only go up from here. (See? Adult!) Now if you'll excuse me Miss K has just informed me she is craving pumpkin rice and tortellini, so I have to go shopping and fill my pantry up with some real food. That is one of the downsides of her spending a whole week with Italians; her love of good cooking comes home with her.

If any of you have gone through, or are currently going through something similar, please drop me a comment down below, let me know how you're coping (or not coping as the case may be). I'd love to hear from you.

July Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another instalment of Fly on the Wall. This is by far my favourite time of the month. I get to share little stories and tid-bits you'd hear if you were a fly on the wall. Today I am joined by 8 other bloggers who are all sharing their innermost crazy. Be sure to buzz around and visit all of them.

Baking In A Tornado
Menopausal Mother
Spatulas on Parade
Never Ever Give Up Hope
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
Southern Belle Charm
Go Mama O
Molly Ritterbeck

I'm going to warn you now that there is a lot  of toilet humor in today's post. I try to keep things as clean as possible around here, however sometimes life has a way of keeping things in the gutter when I'm around. If you are easily offended I'd look away now.

Mum: I think I'm hungry.
Me: Well let me know when you're sure.
Mum: Why? Are you going to do something about it?
Me: No, I'm just really invested in this story.

My little sister Kim is staying with us at the moment, and my favourite thing to do with her is turn everything she says into an innuendo. It bugs the hell out of her, but it's not my fault she's so filthy.

Me: I remember that pie I made that had the cod in it, I was pretty proud of that fish pie.
Kim: Oh I remember that. I loved eating your fish pie.
My cue to fall on the floor laughing.
Kim: Oh shut up.

Kim: Mum do you want your meat separated
My cue to fall on the floor laughing
Kim: Stop it. I'm just trying to figure out if mum wants her pork loins in twos.
I have to rush to the toilet to prevent having an accident on my couch.
Kim: I hate you.

Mum walked in to the room and started smacking me in the back of the head.
Me: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Mum: Oh sorry I'm just like Pavlov's dog. Whenever I see you I have to hit you.
Kim: Mum, it's not nice to call her Pavlov's dog.
Me: No, mum is Pavlov's dog. And for future reference it's called a Pavlovian response mum.
Kim: I know all about the pavlova response, I work in childcare.

Me: I'm a diverse person.
Mum: I thought you were about to say you're a diabetic.

Me: Mum do you have regrets?
Mum: I have a few, too few to mention.
Me: No, I'm being serious. Thanks a lot Frank Sinatra, I'm going to punch you in the nads when I next see you.

Me: Miss K have you eaten your dinner yet?
Miss K: I don't like it. I want a different dinner.
Me: Well this isn't a restaurant. You eat what I put in front of you or you go hungry.
Miss K: Well let's pretend this is a restaurant then and you make me something else.
Me: If this is a restaurant it's a soup kitchen, where you get what you're given or go hungry.
Miss K: I don't like this restaurant.

Mum: You're getting more and more anti-social as you get older.
Me: Yep I know. I love it.
Mum: I don't.
Me: When you think about it, I've spent fourteen years speaking on the phone to people I don't know or don't like.
Mum: I'm your mum.
Me: FOURTEEN YEARS MUM!

Miss K came up while I was surfing the web and started randomly mashing at my keyboard.
Me: Don't you even think about it miss.
Miss K: I'm going to think about it.

Earlier this month one of my dad's sons from his first marriage became a grandfather for the first time. This makes my dad a great-grandpa and me a great-aunt. This news disturbed me because I feel at 32 I'm way too young for this crap. However it does make for great conversations with the family.

Me: I found out today that dad is a great-grandpa.
Ben: Whose kid had kids?
Me: One of [older brothers] kids, not sure if it was [nephew 1] or [nephew 2].
Ben: That's crazy.
Me: Tell me about it. That makes you a great-uncle, and yet still so mediocre.
Ben: That's the pot calling the kettle black.

Me: This is freakin' weird.
Mum: What?
Me: I'm a great-aunt.
Mum: (laughs) Meh, you're ok...

Here is another in the wonderful series of Minecraft conversations which sound weird without context.

Eliza: I have a head. Where did that come from? Mum where are you, I have a head.

Miss K has been sick on and off with various viruses these past two months, but one night she woke up with weird swelling in her chin. I rushed her straight to our after hours medical service where we were prescribed antibiotics for an infection which had caused her glands to swell up like a balloon.

Dr: Now one of the side effects of this antibiotic is diarrhoea.
Me: Did you hear that Miss K? This medicine may give you runny poos.
Miss K: Runny poos in my neck?
I don't think the doctor appreciated that I laughed so hard at Miss K's shock.

Sadly for us, that visit to the doctor wasn't the end of the saga, and after going to my own GP for a second opinion we were told to rush to the local hospital as the swelling was an indication Miss K was forming an abscess in her neck. Miss K ended up spending three nights in hospital on IV antibiotics, and I spent three nights sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the ward next to her. but she took all of the poking, prodding and needles like an absolute trooper and on the fourth day we were finally allowed to go home. She's still on antibiotics for the time being, as there is still some swelling in her neck, but we've hopefully avoided surgery as long as her recovery continues as well as it has.

Conversation in a public toilet.
Miss K: Mum I did poos and wees.
Me: (Very aware that there is another person in the stalls with us) Yes I know you did now hurry up and finish.
Miss K: But there were lots of them.
Me: That's great. Are you done yet?
Cue the toilet next to us flushing and a woman comes out laughing.
Woman: It's ok, I have kids too.
Me: The conversations you have once you're a parent.

We had a federal election in Australia this month, and my sister Natalie decided to vote for the first time.
Nat: I have no idea who any of these people are or what they want. I remember watching some political show at dad's once and they kept talking about a cabinet, but they never once showed a picture of it. I couldn't understand what was so amazing about a stupid cabinet that they felt the need to discuss it for so long. What is this cabinet?
Me: It's the group of politicians which make up parliament. And you are one the people deciding who runs our country for the next few years.  I worry about you sometimes.

Natalie was temporarily promoted to room leader at the daycare centre she works at this month, but the promotion did not come without issues, and one of her co-workers quit suddenly, saying that she couldn't work with Natalie because she stressed her out, and now she was constipated.

Nat: I don't understand what her problem is, I looked at the roster and I only spent 3 hours and 20 minutes a day with her.
Me: Well apparently that's long enough for you to constipate someone.
Nat: Yeah. You better not spend more time than that with me otherwise you'll start having problems too.

Luckily for Natalie her bosses were able to see the humor in the situation, but Nat now has the reputation of constipating those who work around her.

Well that's it from our crazy part of the world, be sure to visit all the other bloggers joining in today, and I'll be back to share more fun again soon.

Yes I send my child for visitations while sick

Ah winter, the worst of all seasons. You bring with you frost on my car, numb fingers and noses, and all manner of nasty viruses, each one which will slowly convince you that this is the bug that will finally kill you.

Miss K is sick at the moment with a particularly nasty virus in her chest. I had it for three weeks, mum's on week two at the moment and Miss K is on day three. She currently sounds like a sixty year old man who has smoked a pack of cigarettes a day for the past forty years every time she coughs. I have an arsenal of pain killers and cough medicines in my pantry and every four hours I dutifully dole out the next dose of vile medicine much to her disgust. I'm sure she is convinced that my various treatments are going to kill her before the virus does.

But come tomorrow morning all of this stops. I dose my daughter up one last time, then I bundle her into a train and hand her over to her father for four days, during which time it officially becomes his duty to be chief snot remover and poison dispenser. Even before I was a single mother with my own custody agreement in place, this always seemed like the normal thing to do. You have a visitation scheduled, it happens unless a body part is falling off, and even then if it can be sewn back on in time the visit should still be able to happen. But my time working for a lawyer taught me that this isn't actually the case a lot of the time, and it doesn't seem right.

Now there is always a back story to every relationship, so I'm not saying that  my way is the only right way and everyone else who does this differently is an idiot, but I wonder what the mothers who do keep kids home sick from a custody visit are saying when they make this decision. Are you saying that there is no one in the world who could possibly care for your ailing child better than you can? Are you saying the father is totally inept at caring for house plants, let alone children and this virus is far too much of a challenge for him to be able to get right? Are you saying you secretly have Florence Nightingale syndrome and the highlight of your parenting career is the times your child is ill and you spend your nights sleepless and your days full of temperature taking and dosing up your children?

Miss K's dad can be a total screw up, a fact which I gently remind him of at any chance I get. But by withholding our child from visiting him simply because she is sick, I would be telling him loud and clear; "You are not good enough."and that is simply not a message I care to send to him or our daughter. I want her to know that when the chips are down he will be there for her, and that message needs to be sent from day one. Whether it be a virus or a bastard ex, she needs to know that her dad will be there for her no matter what.  On the other hand he needs to learn exactly what it means to be there for her when she needs it. He needs to get used to comforting her, wiping away her tears and making her feel better. Unless he has practise at doing this there is no way in hell he will ever be good at it. Now I'm not saying he sucks at it now, he is a very devoted dad who does everything in his power to love and care for our daughter. But as she gets older her needs change. Once upon a time all of her boo-boos could be kissed away but that's not the case so much. As parents we both need to be present for all of the changes otherwise we get left behind and stop being effective at our job.

As the primary caregiver I am the chief snot wiper and boo-boo kisser, and that is how it has been for over five years now. I've lost count of how many colds I have weathered, how many times I've caught vomit in my hands (or on my shirt) and how many cups of vile tasting medicine I have given over the past five years, nor do I care to count them. They are all just threads that make up the fabric of my life as Miss K's parent. But I am not her only parent, and because of this I am happy to step aside every now and again and let her dad take the reins for a few days and see what it means caring for someone who has half his genes. (Side note, they are the ones responsible for her total lack of inside voice). But because I am still mum, even when she's not in the same town as me I'll still be worried sick and totally unable to sleep this weekend, but that just goes with the territory.

After the miscarriage - one month on

I'm back again people, I thought I'd discuss where I've been since my miscarriage, it's not something I've spoken about much since my original post which you can find here if you want to know what the hell I'm talking about.  I can't promise I'm not going to swear today. In real life I swear enough to make a wharfie blush. I try my hardest to keep my language PG around here just because I'm really not sure who is reading this stuff, but I'm giving myself permission today to break my own rules, so if you're easily offended by bad language, now is a good time to click away from here.

The thing that has surprised me the most about the past month is just how bloody long it is taking for me to get over everything. I honestly thought I'd be moving on by now, and that all of this would be a distant memory, but it still hasn't happened yet and I'm starting to really get pissed off at exactly how human I am right now. That anger and frustration is starting to spill out of me now, and I find myself exploding over things that never used to upset me. Little quirks I had before I lost the baby are starting to get bigger too. I've always hated crowds, but these days anything more than three people in a room is a crowd. It makes it hard to have people visit, because while I love all of my family (they really are the only ones who visit me anyway) twenty minutes into coffee and chatting I'm ready to hide in my bedroom until they disappear. I've contemplated playing dead a few times until it becomes so awkward they just leave, but I really don't need to give people more reasons to want to lock me in the loony bin right about now.

My way of coping with my feelings has been to pile item after item onto my to do list, until I am now drowning in stuff that has to get done. I've taken on a business partnership to go with the diploma of management I'm studying, and I've also determined that now is the perfect time to learn how to do calligraphy, how to market a business, how to draw, and how to train a dog. I've scheduled all kinds of work for this blog as well, but I'm now at the point where I'm so overwhelmed nothing gets done. I sit here staring at my computer screen and worrying that I will never get through everything I've put on myself that it has almost become a self prophecy of failure. My family keep telling me to take some time off and just relax but it feels almost physically impossible for me to do that right now. I think I'm terrified if I have nothing to think about I'll start thinking about the baby and I just can't keep dwelling on that right now. I'm sick and tired of being sad, but there are days where it seems that's all I know how to be.

I think the thing that is making it hardest right now is that my body is now totally back to normal. (That's code for I got my period for anyone who can't understand subtext) and while I knew this day was coming, it still came as a shock to the system when it actually arrived. The doctors words came flooding back to me where he told me my cycle would start up again and then I could theoretically try to have another baby straight away if that was what I desired. I sat there hating my body for being so eager to get back to normal when my brain still can't wrap itself around what's going on right now. To be perfectly honest I do not desire to try again right now, and I'd love it if my ovaries and uterus could be sympathetic to this fact and give me a little extra time before getting back into the swing of things. I'm still not entirely convinced sewing my legs shut is a bad idea right now, and I'm half way through a bet with the baby's father who believed I'd be ready to "get back on the horse" two months after the miscarriage. I very kindly told him I'd put money on the fact that we will never ride that horse together again, and in fact I may never ride another horse at all. (I need to work on my metaphors I think, this one is getting creepy.) I then took great relish in deleting him from my life (my phone) and I now feel safe in the knowledge that he can never contact me ever again to discuss horses or anything else for that matter. Removing him was a huge step for me, and something I've not been able to do in the past, so that was a cathartic step to say the least.

I'm still not entirely ready to even discuss the fact that I've had a miscarriage with people who don't already know, although I did try to force this by discussing it with a substitute teacher at Miss K's kindergarten (she asked how many kids I have, I didn't just walk up to her and say hey, my baby died, just FYI), but her response was disappointing to say the least. She trotted out the old "well at least you still have your oldest daughter, you must be grateful for her even if you never have another child" line, as if Miss K was a consolation prize. I could have gotten angry at her poor choice of words at the time, but for all I know that could have been her mantra once upon a time, so I chose to let it slide and walk away quietly. And that's the thing. You never know what anyone is going to say if you tell them. I know a woman who was told she deserved to lose her baby, which is a huge fear of mine, so it's easier just keeping silent and not letting anyone know this is why I have permanent resting bitch face right now.

I can feel myself slipping, and yesterday was the first day I was able to admit out loud that I am not coping right now. This is about the point where I would normally go straight to the doctors office and get them to put me back on drugs, but I don't want to do that this time. I want to get through this on my own, without relying on chemicals to prop me up. I know exactly what I need to do, but theory and practise are always two completely different things. First I need to stop beating myself up for being slow on the uptake. I have forgotten the effort it takes to complete simple tasks when you're battling grief and depression, so instead of celebrating the fact that I was able to do the dishes for the first time in two months last week instead I berated myself for being too exhausted to do any other housework for the rest of the day. Instead of feeling proud of myself for hand writing an ad for the business I criticised my work and then hated myself for being inept at using photo editing software. That's the weird thing about grieving. Instead of saying I'm sad and angry because my baby died, I say I'm sad and angry because I suck at life and I can't do anything right. It's easier to focus on the tiny little details I mess up instead of looking at the huge and very sad bigger picture.

The next thing I need to do is take some time off for myself. So yesterday Miss K and I went to Maccas and ate junk food instead of going shopping for healthy food, and by the time this post goes live, we will be skipping school and kindergarten and on our way to the Melbourne Museum to look at the dinosaurs. Then we're going to eat pancakes at one of my favourite restaurants in the city just because it's been years since I've been there. It's also been years since I've wagged from school or work just for the hell of it, so I'm hoping this wild rule breaking spree is enough to lift me up even just a little bit right now.

I'm also closing my contact me page here on the blog for a little while, and giving myself permission to only post what I want for a few weeks. It may mean that there are longer breaks where I'm not here at all, but I promise I'll still be here at least once a month for the Fly on the Wall, so you'll still get to see all the crazy stuff we get up to when I'm not here. I'm hoping that by loosening the reins on my own life a little I might actually be able to start enjoying it again. I still desperately want to find the joy in every single day, but it's harder to do that when I'm tied to a to do list that never ends.

Well that's it from my little part of the world, coincidentally if you see any news articles about a dinosaur exhibit being totally destroyed at the museum this week, please know that I had absolutely nothing to do with it, it was all the five year old's fault.

Product Review and Giveaway - Po-Lice Hair Bands

Head lice. They are nasty little beasties who were put on this earth just to make everyone itchy. Just hearing the words head lice is enough to make even the sanest person start quietly scratching their head. Are you guys as itchy as me right now, because even just writing this stuff is making me want to remove my scalp.

I was contacted recently by a company called Po-Lice. They specialise in making head lice repellant hair ties. Of course the minute they started discussing head lice my head started itching like crazy so I jumped at the opportunity to try their hair ties out, even if just to stop my own crazed scratching.

Head lice are the scourge of children everywhere. They are tiny and sneaky, and now they have started to mutate into "super bugs" which just means they are even harder to eliminate once your child has caught them. Parents spend hundreds and thousands of dollars each year buying special nit removal shampoos, conditioners ointments, and other treatments, Then once they eliminate the little nasties, they then go out and buy preventative sprays to stop the bugs from returning. This is exactly what I did the last time head lice swept through the local schools, but there was something that concerned me when I went to buy my repellant. Upon looking at the ingredients on the bottle, I was disturbed to find I could neither recognise nor pronounce any of the ingredients inside. All of them were unfamiliar chemicals, which meant I had no idea exactly what I was going to be spraying on my daughter's head. I know in this case chemicals would be the lesser of two evils, but I still felt bad putting them on my child.

Can you imagine trying to de-louse this much hair? 

That is where the Po-Lice hair bands are different. They contain only natural plant based extracts which have all been proven to repel head lice. This means there are no nasty chemicals coming in contact with your child, and you can rest easy in the knowledge that you are using a totally natural product. The hair ties do have a distinct smell to them, given the combination of ingredients inside of them, however I found this to be not unpleasant, especially with the addition of both tea tree and lavender oil.  Now because these are hair ties infused with plant oils, it is essential that you do not get these ties wet, as the oils can be washed out. So you need to put them in dry hair only. Each hair tie can last up to 2 weeks if used correctly.

So once I received my package of 8 hair ties, I popped one in Miss K's hair, and I even gave some to my sister for my niece to use as well. I would have included one for my nephew too, but sadly he's just not as into accessorizing as I am. Before I put the hair ties in Miss K's hair I checked it thoroughly for head lice, and came up clean, so I know there was no previous infestation. I checked her hair each day for two weeks while using the hair ties, and by the end of my test period she still hadn't been infested. Upon checking with my niece, I found that she came up clean too.

They have good grip and strong elastic too which is always a must when dealing with thick hair

For any of you who are interested in purchasing the Po-Lice hair ties, they are available in packs that can last you anything from two months right up to 12 months, and can be purchased directly from their website. You can also check out their Facebook page to see testimonials from other customers. But for one lucky reader I have a 2 month supply of Po-Lice hair bands to give away today. 

To enter all you need to do is go down to the comments section below and tell me in 25 words or less the worst experience you've had with head lice. Even if it is just the fact you become a crazed scratcher the minute someone so much as mentions them, leave it down below. I will pick a winner at random and the results will be announced on my Facebook page.

This giveaway is open to Australian residents aged 18 and over only. One winner will be picked based on your answers. Competition ends on Saturday 4th June at 8:00pm EST. Winners will be announced on Facebook and Twitter on Wednesday 8th June

Disclosure

In the interest of honesty, despite the fact that it is not Australian Law that I make this disclosure, I will say that I did receive free products for the purpose of this review. All opinions given here are my own and have in no way been influenced by Po-Lice Australia or anyone else.