Saturday, 22 April 2017

April Fly on the Wall - Medical Woes up the Wazoo

It's time once again for Fly on the Wall. Today 7 bloggers have all joined forces to share with you just some of the crazy thing you would see or hear if you were a fly on their wall.

Fly on the Wall
Below is a list of all the bloggers participating this month, be sure to visit them all and enjoy the hilarity. 

Menopausal Mother                     
A Little Piece of Peace                 
Never Ever Give Up Hope                   
Bookworm in the Kitchen                  

Miss K got a nasty splinter in her big toe the other week, It was pretty deep, and to get the splinter out and the area cleaned up was no easy task, which of course Miss K objected to vigorously. Once I'd gotten the worst of the job done, and I'd had enough of having to make her scream I pulled her into my lap for a cuddle when she dropped a guilt bomb on me.
Miss K: There's a hole in my foot.
Me: It's not a hole, it's just a cut. I had to cut your foot to get to all the dirt honey. I don't want you getting an infection. 
Miss K: There's a hole in my foot that YOU put there.

The very next day she went to the park with her dad and they'd not been out the door ten minutes when he calls me.
Ady: So Miss K's got a new injury.
Me: What happened?
Ady: She kissed a pole and now she has a huge bruise on her lip.
Me: How hard did she kiss it?
Ady: I dunno. she came up to me crying and when I told her to show me what happened she just walked over to a pole and kissed it.
When they got home Miss K very indignantly told me she hadn't been kissing poles, she'd been sliding down them and accidentally smacked her face. She was more insulted that her father would go around spreading such a false story about her than anything else.

That weekend I was telling my little brother Ben about having to operate on Miss K's toe during the week
Me: I get my surgery skills from dad. I still remember that time he got a nasty cut on his finger and gave himself stitches.
Ben: That's nothing. One time while I was living with him, he cut the tip of his finger off, and I had to hold it in place for him so he could put a band-aid on it.

Nat and I were discussing a request she'd been given to pick our sister Kim up from hospital, which she refused because of back pain.
Me: Well of course you can't go pick her up, you're in too much pain right now. You should be taking care of yourself right now, everyone else can bugger off.
Nat: Well if it wasn't for Dave reminding me that I'm meant to be taking it easy right now and taking care of myself I probably would have jumped up and helped her without thinking.
Me: Well good on Dave for doing that. Give him a high five from me.
Nat: In the face?
Me: With a chair!

While visiting my sister Sam and her kids one day
Eliza: Does anyone know what Anatidaephobia means?
Me: It's the fear that you're being watched by a duck.
Sam and Matty both laugh, thinking I'm being stupid.
Eliza: It's the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.
Sam: How the hell did you even know that?
Me: It's all my dank memes.

Mum: One word of advice for you Erin.
Me: Ok.
Mum: Don't have kids.
Me: Thanks mum. It's six years too late, but thank you anyway.

So my sister in law Sam had her gall bladder removed on a Monday, and three days later she and my brother Josh came over to our house for a cuppa.
Me: Why aren't you at home resting?
Sam: I don't know, I'm crazy like that.
Me: Most people would take surgery as an excuse to lie in bed for a week and do nothing but sleep.
Josh: Well I keep trying but she won't let me.

Later that day Sam was complaining about how Josh stonewalls her when he's angry
Josh: I need time to calm down so I can think about what I want to say.
Me: Learn to meditate Josh, it makes it happen faster.
Josh: I already do that every day. Oh, wait you said meditate not masturbate.

Me: Hmm, ladyfinger roll cakes
Mum starts giggling to herself
Me; Oh grow up.

Two young Mormon missionaries come to my house every week for a chat. One time they ended the visit by asking if I need any help.
Elder: Is there anything we can do to help you this week?
Me: No, I'm pretty good right now.
Elder: Are you sure? we can mow the lawns if you like.
Me: Nah, it's cool, I hire a local man to do it every few weeks, it helps the economy and I don't have to do it myself. But if you really want to help, there's a massive wolf spider on my daughter's trampoline that I can't kill.
Elder: Oh dear no, I'm terrified of spiders, I'll do anything except that. 
Me: Then I'm all good for now, thanks.

Later that night
Mum: Why did you ask him to kill the spider for you?
Me: I knew he wouldn't do it. He's told me before he's terrified of spiders.
Me: That's just mean.
Me: Well the last time a missionary offered help I asked him to babysit Miss K for me so I could have a nap but that was just as terrifying a request apparently. 

Before you get angry at me for picking on the missionaries, please know that he gives as good as he takes. This particular missionary is a young lad from Tonga, and because he knows I know absolutely nothing about Tonga he's always teasing me. That same visit, I was discussing my trip to Vanuatu when I was 20.
Me: It was amazing, I drank coconut water straight from the coconut.
Elder: Oh my back yard is full of coconut trees.
Me: Really? That's awesome.
Elder: No, not really. But I do drink coconut water straight from the coconut. It tastes better.
Me: Ohh ok. Well I saw banana trees for the first time too. I had no idea bananas grew in giant balls.
Elder; Oh my house is made from banana palms.
Me: Really that's cool.
Elder: No, it's not really. But my back yard is full of banana trees. 
Me: I don't know what to believe any more. 

Me: What is Maundy Thursday?
Mum: I don't know, why do you think I would know.
Me: You call yourself a Catholic.
Mum: Look it up.
Me: It's also known as Holy Thursday
Mum: That's what we called it.
Me: No explanation on what Easter Monday is about.
Mum: That's when the chocolate's on sale. 

Miss K spent Easter at her Nonna's house in Melbourne this year, so I had to wish her a happy Easter over Skype on Easter Sunday
Me: Happy Easter baby girl.
Miss K: Buona Pasqua mama (happy Easter in Italian)
Me: Buona Pasqua!
Nonna: See, I told you mummy would know what you meant.
Miss K: You said buona Pasqua mummy!
Nonna: When I first taught her how to say it, she kept saying buona pasta.
Me: Were you wishing everyone a happy pasta Miss K?
Miss K: Yeah.

My little sister Natalie had to get an ingrown toenail cut out yesterday, and she's never had the highest pain threshold in the world, even with three doses of anaesthetic in her foot she could feel the toenail being cut out
Nat: I hate when they ask you obvious questions. At one stage I said ouch, and the doctor stopped and said "are you alright? is that hurting you?" I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from giving a sarcastic answer, as he had a scalpel to my foot at the time, so I didn't want to piss him off.
Me: I don't blame you.
Nat: Dave hates it, because I'll always give him a sarcastic answer to his obvious questions, but then he's never holding a scalpel to my foot at the time.
Me: Note to self, buy Dave a scalpel for his birthday. That way if he wants to ask you an obvious questions he can just threaten you with it at the same time.

Well that's all from this mad house for another month, don't forget to buzz on over to all the other blogs and enjoy the rest of the madness.

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