April Fly on the Wall - Medical Woes up the Wazoo

It's time once again for Fly on the Wall. Today 7 bloggers have all joined forces to share with you just some of the crazy thing you would see or hear if you were a fly on their wall.


Below is a list of all the bloggers participating this month, be sure to visit them all and enjoy the hilarity. 

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade  

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                  

Miss K got a nasty splinter in her big toe the other week, It was pretty deep, and to get the splinter out and the area cleaned up was no easy task, which of course Miss K objected to vigorously. Once I'd gotten the worst of the job done, and I'd had enough of having to make her scream I pulled her into my lap for a cuddle when she dropped a guilt bomb on me.

Miss K: There's a hole in my foot.

Me: It's not a hole, it's just a cut. I had to cut your foot to get to all the dirt honey. I don't want you getting an infection. 

Miss K: There's a hole in my foot that YOU put there.

The very next day she went to the park with her dad and they'd not been out the door ten minutes when he calls me.

Ady: So Miss K's got a new injury.

Me: What happened?
Ady: She kissed a pole and now she has a huge bruise on her lip.

Me: How hard did she kiss it?

Ady: I dunno. she came up to me crying and when I told her to show me what happened she just walked over to a pole and kissed it.

When they got home Miss K very indignantly told me she hadn't been kissing poles, she'd been sliding down them and accidentally smacked her face. She was more insulted that her father would go around spreading such a false story about her than anything else.

That weekend I was telling my little brother Ben about having to operate on Miss K's toe during the week
Me: I get my surgery skills from dad. I still remember that time he got a nasty cut on his finger and gave himself stitches.
Ben: That's nothing. One time while I was living with him, he cut the tip of his finger off, and I had to hold it in place for him so he could put a band-aid on it.

Nat and I were discussing a request she'd been given to pick our sister Kim up from hospital, which she refused because of back pain.

Me: Well of course you can't go pick her up, you're in too much pain right now. You should be taking care of yourself right now, everyone else can bugger off.

Nat: Well if it wasn't for Dave reminding me that I'm meant to be taking it easy right now and taking care of myself I probably would have jumped up and helped her without thinking.

Me: Well good on Dave for doing that. Give him a high five from me.

Nat: In the face?

Me: With a chair!

While visiting my sister Sam and her kids one day

Eliza: Does anyone know what Anatidaephobia means?

Me: It's the fear that you're being watched by a duck.

Sam and Matty both laugh, thinking I'm being stupid.

Eliza: It's the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Sam: How the hell did you even know that?

Me: It's all my dank memes.

Mum: One word of advice for you Erin.

Me: Ok.

Mum: Don't have kids.

Me: Thanks mum. It's six years too late, but thank you anyway.

So my sister in law Sam had her gall bladder removed on a Monday, and three days later she and my brother Josh came over to our house for a cuppa.

Me: Why aren't you at home resting?
Sam: I don't know, I'm crazy like that.

Me: Most people would take surgery as an excuse to lie in bed for a week and do nothing but sleep.

Josh: Well I keep trying but she won't let me.

Later that day Sam was complaining about how Josh stonewalls her when he's angry

Josh: I need time to calm down so I can think about what I want to say.

Me: Learn to meditate Josh, it makes it happen faster.

Josh: I already do that every day. Oh, wait you said meditate not masturbate.

Me: Hmm, ladyfinger roll cakes

Mum starts giggling to herself

Me; Oh grow up.

Two young Mormon missionaries come to my house every week for a chat. One time they ended the visit by asking if I need any help.

Elder: Is there anything we can do to help you this week?
Me: No, I'm pretty good right now.

Elder: Are you sure? we can mow the lawns if you like.

Me: Nah, it's cool, I hire a local man to do it every few weeks, it helps the economy and I don't have to do it myself. But if you really want to help, there's a massive wolf spider on my daughter's trampoline that I can't kill.

Elder: Oh dear no, I'm terrified of spiders, I'll do anything except that. 

Me: Then I'm all good for now, thanks.

Later that night

Mum: Why did you ask him to kill the spider for you?
Me: I knew he wouldn't do it. He's told me before he's terrified of spiders.

Me: That's just mean.

Me: Well the last time a missionary offered help I asked him to babysit Miss K for me so I could have a nap but that was just as terrifying a request apparently. 

Before you get angry at me for picking on the missionaries, please know that he gives as good as he takes. This particular missionary is a young lad from Tonga, and because he knows I know absolutely nothing about Tonga he's always teasing me. That same visit, I was discussing my trip to Vanuatu when I was 20.

Me: It was amazing, I drank coconut water straight from the coconut.

Elder: Oh my back yard is full of coconut trees.

Me: Really? That's awesome.

Elder: No, not really. But I do drink coconut water straight from the coconut. It tastes better.

Me: Ohh ok. Well I saw banana trees for the first time too. I had no idea bananas grew in giant balls.

Elder; Oh my house is made from banana palms.

Me: Really that's cool.

Elder: No, it's not really. But my back yard is full of banana trees. 

Me: I don't know what to believe any more. 

Me: What is Maundy Thursday?

Mum: I don't know, why do you think I would know.

Me: You call yourself a Catholic.

Mum: Look it up.

Me: It's also known as Holy Thursday

Mum: That's what we called it.

Me: No explanation on what Easter Monday is about.

Mum: That's when the chocolate's on sale. 

Miss K spent Easter at her Nonna's house in Melbourne this year, so I had to wish her a happy Easter over Skype on Easter Sunday
Me: Happy Easter baby girl.
Miss K: Buona Pasqua mama (happy Easter in Italian)
Me: Buona Pasqua!
Nonna: See, I told you mummy would know what you meant.
Miss K: You said buona Pasqua mummy!
Nonna: When I first taught her how to say it, she kept saying buona pasta.
Me: Were you wishing everyone a happy pasta Miss K?
Miss K: Yeah.

My little sister Natalie had to get an ingrown toenail cut out yesterday, and she's never had the highest pain threshold in the world, even with three doses of anaesthetic in her foot she could feel the toenail being cut out
Nat: I hate when they ask you obvious questions. At one stage I said ouch, and the doctor stopped and said "are you alright? is that hurting you?" I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from giving a sarcastic answer, as he had a scalpel to my foot at the time, so I didn't want to piss him off.
Me: I don't blame you.
Nat: Dave hates it, because I'll always give him a sarcastic answer to his obvious questions, but then he's never holding a scalpel to my foot at the time.
Me: Note to self, buy Dave a scalpel for his birthday. That way if he wants to ask you an obvious questions he can just threaten you with it at the same time.

Well that's all from this mad house for another month, don't forget to buzz on over to all the other blogs and enjoy the rest of the madness.

Use your words

Hello and welcome back to my corner of the world. It's pretty hot here right now, like face meltingly hot. The barometer hit 44 degrees this afternoon (111 farenheit for my imperial friends out there) and today is day five of blisteringly hot weather, so we're all feeling pretty miserable down here. Add to that the bushfire in a town just 11 km away from where I live (6 miles) and I could use a distraction right now. Luckily for me the lovely Karen from Baking in a Tornado has come up with a new blogging game, so sit back and relax while I introduce you to Use Your Words.

So for this post, all the participating bloggers were asked to provide 4 - 6 phrases or words that must be used in a post. These are then given to another unsuspecting blogger and it's up to them to turn their list of words into some semblance of sense. Today we have been asked to post our stories, all at the same time. This is the first time all of us get to see who got our submissions, and what direction they decided to take with the words we picked for them. The possibilities for fun are endless.  Before I go any further I'll introduce the rest of the group of players. Please be sure to visit them all and see what everyone else has done with their submissions.

http://BakingInATornado.com                   Baking In A Tornado

http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com    Juicebox Confession

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com           Battered Hope

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com          Spatulas on Parade

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com               Evil Joy Speaks

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/          Stacy Sews and Schools

http://www.justalittlenutty.com                         Just A Little Nutty

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com     The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                   Follow me home . . .

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com                         Dates 2 Diapers

So the phrases I have been given to use are...He saw the white coat ~ Hello ~ OMG WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? ~DON'T EAT THAT ...and they were submitted by Dates 2 Diapers

I had always thought my life was pretty ordinary. I had my daughter, my job and my hobbies to keep me busy, and that was all I needed. I watched other people have dramatic and exciting lives, but I was happy to stay in the audience and watch all the fun from the sidelines. But one night that all changed with a visit from a stranger. 

I have tried to explain this night over and over again to many people, but no one ever seems to believe me. It has gotten to the point where I'm just that crazy lady that mothers warn their children to stay away from. But it wasn't always like this, once upon a time I was ordinary. 

This night was ordinary at first too. I'd finally gotten Miss K to bed after three requests for extra drinks, one request to use the potty, and five requests for another story and I was getting ready to settle in for a night of watching mindless television before crawling into bed when there was an almighty thud outside my living room window. I jumped up and screamed OMG WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? My heart was in my throat from the fright, but I decided I needed to investigate in case someone had gotten hurt. 

I went outside into the darkness and waited for my eyes to adjust. I scanned the front yard and the nature strip where my car was parked, but at first I couldn't see any evidence of what the heck had made the noise. "Hello?" I called out in the night, hoping somebody would answer me so I didn't have to go any further away from my door. At first there was silence, but then I heard a quiet moan from around the street lamp outside my fence. "Darn it" I thought to myself as I headed towards where the moan came from. At first I couldn't see anyone, but once I got closer I noticed a lump on the ground at the foot of the pole. I rushed over, noticing how small the lump was. Almost too small to be an adult. "What is a kid doing out this time of night?" I thought as I left the yard. By the time I got to the lump it was starting to stand up, and the first thing I noticed was that this was no child. It wasn't even human. 

This is the point where I start getting weird looks from the people I tell the story to. If I hadn't lived it myself I wouldn't believe it either, but standing in front of me that night next to the lamp post was a giant rabbit. And I'm not just talking an over sized, well fed rabbit, I'm talking a four foot tall rabbit. A very woozy four foot tall rabbit. I stopped dead in my tracks as I tried to process what I was seeing, but as I did the rabbit swayed a little bit and started to fall over again. I raced over and grabbed him before he landed on the ground. The jolt seemed to wake him up and he looked up at me, clearly having difficulty focusing. 

"What on earth...?" I managed to choke out, not trusting my ability to speak any further in case I screamed.

"Ooooohhh" said the rabbit, "Where did that lamp post come from?"

I nearly dropped him back on his head, as I finally let out a little scream.

"You can talk" I cried

"Well spotted" he replied, with more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice

"But....but rabbit's aren't supposed to talk" I managed to say

"Ah yes, but I'm not most rabbits," he said proudly, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"The Easter Bunny? but it's February. Don't you normally come out in April?"

"Do I look like I'm delivering eggs?" He snapped. I looked around and couldn't see any baskets around so I shook my head.

"I'm actually on holidays at the moment." He continued. "I was having a race with a leprechaun, but I didn't see that lamp post there, and now he's probably already celebrating his victory at the pub. Stupid drunk."

I was beginning to feel woozy myself and tried to sit down, forgetting that I was still cradling the Easter Bunny's head in my arms, so we both ended up toppling to the ground. The Easter Bunny gave a cry of pain as we tried to untangle ourselves. I apologised profusely and invited him inside to get a drink. I figured it was the least I could do since it was my lamp post he had crashed into, not to mention having probably just made his injuries worse.

We came inside and he started sniffing around the lounge room while I got a glass of water from the kitchen.  When I came back to the lounge he was investigating my couch, where I had left my white fur coat earlier in the day. He saw the white coat and screamed. 

"What?" I screamed back, surprised at his sudden outburst

"You killed a yeti!" he yelled back. "You killed a yeti and turned him into a coat!"

"Ah" I said relieved. "First of all yetis aren't real, and second of all that's fake fur."

"Exactly." said The Easter Bunny angrily. "Where do you think all the fake fur in the world comes from?"

"From factories?" I replied confused

"No!" yelled the Easter Bunny, "It comes from Yetis."

Totally bamboozled by this stage I flopped down on the couch to try and wrap my head around everything that had happened in the past ten minutes. I noticed some jelly beans on the coffee table and absently started eating them. Suddenly The Easter Bunny looked over at me and jumped up.

"NO! DON'T EAT THAT" he yelled, but it was too late, I'd already had three.

"What? they're just jelly beans" I said defensively.

"They're not just jelly beans" he replied impatiently, "they are sleeping tablets. I give them to kids who are still awake when I come to deliver the eggs. It stops them from interrupting me while I work."

I was about to open my mouth to protest but things started going dark. I tried to fight the feeling of exhaustion that had washed over me, even for just a few minutes to tell The Easter Bunny how irresponsible it was to drug small children, but it was just too strong.

I woke up with the sun streaming onto my face, still fully dressed on the couch. I struggled up and tried to remember why I hadn't made it to bed the night before when I noticed a sheet of paper on the cushion next to where my head had been. I picked it up and began to read the unfamiliar handwriting.

"Sorry about drugging you, didn't your mother ever teach you not to take lollies from strangers? Thanks for the hospitality. EB"

Images from the night before came flooding back and I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, trying to tell myself that everything that happened last night was just a crazy dream, but the note in my hands was making that impossible. I called my big sister and tried to tell her about my adventure, but she laughed uncomfortably and told me it might be time for a holiday. I told my mum, my little sister, even my boss. None of them believed me and my boss even told me I needed to stop working so hard and take some time to relax. 

And so that's how I became the crazy lady around here. But I refuse to give up. I've started a support group for others who have been visited by fictional characters, and I hope one day someone else will come forward and admit they too have met The Easter Bunny.

Easter and page views

Howdy Y'all I'm back again. I hope everyone had a great Easter, I'll get to Miss K's Easter shortly, but first I had to share some randomness with you guys. For anyone of you who have a blog, you'll probably spend a bit of time checking out your stats occasionally to find out exactly how many people you are reaching, and which posts are the most popular. I check mine every day (even though the experts say you really should only check them once a month) just to see where my traffic is coming from. Early on it seemed that most of my audience was comprised of Russian spammers who were only hitting my website in an attempt to get return clicks. For a little while they disappeared, but it seems they have come back today. I don't really mind, as it drives up my traffic, but it's always a bit disappointing to think that my audience didn't even read my awesome writing before moving on to the next target.

Now the thing that surprises me the most about my page views is my most popular post to date appears to be this one giving a list of all of the cutest actors in children's television. It seems that there is at least one other person out there who has a major crush on Gavin Stenhouse, because that is the name that appears the most in the Google search words list. On a slightly different note, Iconicles is back on Aussie television right now, so I get to enjoy watching him on a regular basis again. But it isn't as exciting anymore since I started following him on Twitter, as now I get up to the minute updates on his life any time I log into Twitter, so that's even better.

Now, on to Easter, as that is the real reason why I came on tonight. I made an agreement with Miss K's dad before her birthday that we would spend the whole weekend in Melbourne with his family, in exchange for me getting her to myself on her birthday. This was an ideal arrangement for me as Easter has never been my favorite pseudo holiday anyway, so I didn't mind sharing Miss K for the weekend, and I got to enjoy her birthday alone which was also awesome. So on Saturday Miss K and I hopped onto a train with about a hundred other people (not my first choice of transportation, but both Miss K's dad and nonna's cars crapped themselves last week, so we had no other way of getting to Melbourne.)

My relationship with Miss K's nonna has always been a bit tempestuous. When I was dating Miss K's dad, she and I butted heads on several occasions as she seemed to think I was always too hard on him, whereas I thought he was a lazy selfish no-hoper who was wasting his life away on porn websites. We have continued to butt heads on and off over the past three years, but have called a truce of sorts recently so that she can have a proper relationship with her granddaughter. Of course this means regular trips to Melbourne for Miss K and me, and weekends spent in a tiny house with the man I once refused to marry, and his mother. I try to take a step back when we're there so that Miss K and nonna can spend some quality time together, but this is hard for me, as I seem to be the only person there who thinks that children need boundaries, so I spend a lot of time either making Miss K cry by not letting her break every rule I have set out for her, or watching her nonna undermine all my hard work by letting her get away with everything.

But apart from biting my tongue all weekend, I got to watch Miss K have a lovely time, and here are just some of the photos of our weekend.

This is a real ashtray, not just an empty cigarette package being used as a makeshift ashtray. I had to take a photo, just because I thought it was so cute. 

This is three hours into our first afternoon. All that sitting around on public transport really takes it out of a baby.

This is the most delicious cider I have ever had. I only took this photo so I can remember the name the next time I find myself in the bottle shop, but I don't mind if any of you get there first and buy me a case...

A very blurry photo of Miss K and her dad bowling

Miss K's new Luigi doll that her dad won for her in a claw machine. One thing I can say about Miss K's dad is that he is an expert at winning arcade games.

A traditional Italian Easter cake that nonna made for Miss K. It did have a chocolate egg on the top at one stage, but Miss K got to it before I could take a photo

And sadly that is all the photos I took of the weekend. There was so much more going on, including lots of chocolate being consumed, me sumo wrestling with a 12 year old (and kicking his butt I might add) and a second birthday party for Miss K. Nonna's great nephews stayed with us on Saturday night and were completely charmed by Miss K, to the point that the thirteen year old actually volunteered to watch High 5 with Miss K while I took a break. There was also lots and lots of food, which is standard whenever the Italians get together to celebrate, and I'm certain I gained weight this weekend. 

So that was our Easter. I can't say I enjoyed myself completely, as I did have a very unsettled two year old to deal with, as is the case any time our routine is disrupted, but we're back home now and getting back into normal life nicely. 

I'd love to hear if any of you have any nightmare in-laws that you have to deal with on special occasions, especially if you can give me any coping strategies to help me get through the next visit, which will probably be Nonna's birthday in July.

I'll be back again tomorrow with a new spotlight on mental health, so be sure to come back to hear Becc's story, but until then, as always stay awesome.

Quick catch up

Once again I have left it way too long between blog posts. I'm only posting today to make sure the cobwebs don't have a chance to completely take over my keyboard. And also if I leave it too much longer I won't remember everything I have to share.

As promised a couple of weeks ago, I finally have the photos from Miss K's birthday party last month to share. 

Miss K in her birthday hat

The birthday cake (with the off centre writing)

Miss K seeing her birthday cake for the first time. (She seems to be wondering why the writing is so far to the right of Elmo)

Miss K having a slice of birthday cake. While everyone else was of the general opinion that pound cake is too dry to actually eat, Miss K loved it. At least someone appreciates my cooking.

There are over a hundred other photos of the big day, but they have lots of other people's children in them, and as editing them would take too long, I've decided to be lazy instead and only show you four photos. 

Several other big occasions have happened since Miss K's birthday, the first being she had her very last paediatrician's appointment ever. For those of you who don't know (mainly anyone reading this who isn't related to me, I'm guessing there's about 2 of you) Miss K contracted meningitis at 2 weeks old and nearly died. After spending the first 2 weeks of her life dragging her from doctors office to doctors office trying to get answers then spending the next 3 weeks in hospital watching her attached to drips and beeping machines, we spent the next 11 months taking her to regular appointments with her paediatrician, who wanted to monitor her for a year to make sure there were no long lasting effects from the meningitis. We passed the brain growth hurdle, the developmental milestone hurdle and finally the hearing test hurdle, and last week he told us he is happy enough to stop keeping an eye on Miss K. While having the constant reassurance from a doctor that your child is normal might be a good thing, it is a relief to finally be able to put this whole thing behind us and finally start looking forward.

The other occasion we had was Miss K's second Easter, and her first one out of hospital. Silly me forgot to take photos on the day, and we never got the chance to meet the Easter Bunny as he seemed to be AWOL from our town. I do however have a photo from Miss K's first meeting with the Easter Bunny last year when he kindly visited the children's ward at the hospital we were staying at.

The machine that the nurse is holding is an Apnoea monitor that is supposed to go off if the wearer stops breathing. It doesn't, as I found out twice. But it does go off randomly in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, scaring the crap out of a mum trying to get some well needed sleep. 

Miss K got a tea set for Easter this year instead of chocolates as I still feel guilty letting her have delicious chocolate, and since she already shows an enthusiasm for my coffee cup any time I leave it on the table, I thought she might appreciate having one of her very own that I won't take off her every time she bangs it on the coffee table. The art of drinking from the tea cup seems to be lost on her right now, because hey, who would drink from a cup when you can just listen to the awesome noise it makes when you bash it against other cups or anything else that will sit still long enough.

Miss K is also working on pushing out tooth number five as we speak. It appears to be causing some irritation, but she valiantly pushes on, and refuses to let it stop her exploring (*read getting into everything and driving mum crazy)

Well that is the end of my holiday letter style blog for today. The next time I come back it will be to resume my normal ranting about petty every day things that make me clench my fists in frustration. I'm off to enjoy the twenty minutes of peace and quiet that every nap time brings me. Ah sweet silence.