Saturday, 15 February 2014

February Use Your Words The Very Bad Day

Hello and welcome to the February edition of the new blogging game Use Your Words. It looks like this series was another winner for Karen at Baking in a Tornado, so she's decided to keep it around for now. 

This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now. 

So allow me to introduce you to the other bloggers participating in todays challenge. Be sure to visit them all and see how they manage to mold a group of random words into something beautiful.                   Baking In A Tornado                 Just A Little Nutty             Battered Hope          Juicebox Confession      Black Sheep Mom   Stacy Sews and Schools              Confessions of a part time working mom     Evil Joy Speaks         Spatulas on Parade                     The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                      FBX Adventures (In Parenting)                     Healing Tomato                Dates 2 Diapers 2               Follow me home . . .                       Outmanned

Now the other thing you need to know is what words I have been given to include. This time my words were submitted by Spatulas on Parade and they are:  calendar ~ time off ~ jerky ~ teriyaki ~ hot dang ~ slammin 

So I mentioned in my last post how we had the worst bush fires in five years over the last week. I had to go to work on Monday despite the fact that the town I worked in was closed off from all freeway traffic and authorities were telling everyone to stay away from the town. Off course with all of this in mind, I had gone to bed the night before assuming that my boss would tell us to stay home the next day. Despite the fact that I figured I had some time off on the Monday, I was still up at 7am like I always am on a work day. (Trust my stupid body calendar to know it's a weekday) so I texted the office manager asking for confirmation that I should stay home and not do anything insane like drive directly into a fire affected town. Sadly for me she told me I HAD to go to work, and I would need to leave early because I'd have to find an alternate route into town. 

Now I don't know what any of you would do in this situation, but my natural response is to panic. I started tearing around the house madly trying to find clothes for me and Miss K and trying to remember where I put my shoes on Wednesday night after I finished work. I grabbed Miss K and started to take her nappy off, so I could get her cleaned up and ready for day care. What I didn't realise at the time was that I had grabbed her and ripped her nappy off mid bowel movement, when she was beyond the point of no return. I was so distracted and complaining to mum I didn't realise anything was wrong until I noticed the nugget on my carpet, looking a lot like a piece of teriyaki chicken. "Hot dang!" I yelled as I scrambled to pick it up. (Actually what I really said was a lot ruder and more appropriate for when you have a lump of turd on your carpet, but this is a child friendly place right here you know?) By this time Miss K was crying because she was upset she had just done a poo on the carpet, I was crying too from sheer frustration. I sat on my couch with my head in my hands heaving huge jerky sobs and just wishing I could go back to bed. (Or at least crawl into a dark corner and start slammin back the vodkas).

This was the point where mum stepped in and took Miss K off my hands so I could focus on getting ready for work. I had the quickest shower I have ever had, and then raced out the door while wearing my little sister's shoes (I never did manage to figure out where I'd hidden my own shoes until the next morning) and started the long and often terrifying drive to work along some of the most treacherous roads I have ever driven. A trip that normally takes me 15 minutes took an hour and a half of winding, narrow, unfamiliar roads in towns I'd seen on maps but never had the urge to visit for myself.

You'll be pleased to know I made it to work in one piece, and while the office manager was totally unsympathetic to the rough start to my day, my boss was a lot more understanding when we spoke about it the next day. When the freeways were finally reopened and I never had to make that drive ever again. I think the next time the town decides to combust I'll be telling the boss to close the office for the day and just let me go back to sleep.

Well that's all for now, I am off to go share a single bunk bed with a two year old because that's what you do when you visit family for the weekend. Thanks to Spatulas on Parade for my words, especially because I've never been given the opportunity to compare bowel movements to Asian food before, so this was an exciting first for me. Now go on and visit everyone else and enjoy the rest of the festivities.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

The good, the bad and the natural disaster

Hello again lovely people, I've come here tonight with a sad story and some scary photos. For any of you in Australia, you will know that Victoria has spent the past week battling hundreds of bush fires and dealing with the devastation that fire brings. You will also know that last Saturday was the 5 year anniversary of the Black Saturday fires that claimed 173 lives and destroyed 2029 homes. The fact that it was also the day that began the worst rash of bush fires since Black Saturday was just cruel irony.

Just one of the many fires from Black Saturday.

A lot of the fires were very close to the town I live in, and the town I work in, which is just 12 kilometers down the road from my home was shut down completely as fires threatened homes. This town is actually a coal mining town, and there are two power stations in the area, which provide electricity to a large portion of the state of Victoria. Sadly one of these power stations caught fire, as did one of the coal mines. As of writing this post, the coal mine fire is still burning and it will be for a long time to come. This is just a fact of life when you're dealing with coal, and fires in the mines aren't uncommon. Fires of this size are however.

What a burning coal mine looks like.

There is also a paper mill and the plantation which houses the timber for the mill. This too caught fire, causing a lot of damage. Another fire caused by a lightning strike managed to reach the freeway which links my home town and my place of work, which is how the fire got so close to us. They closed the freeway from right before it reaches the opposite end of my town, right up to the next town on the other side of my town of work. That is about 25 kilometers of road that was being threatened. The freeway was closed for two whole days while they fought the fires.

How the world looks when it's totally surrounded by fires.

The thing that saddens me is how many of these fires were deliberately lit. There have been reports of two young gentlemen driving around with lighters and toilet paper starting fires along a stretch of highway in another town nearby, which caused several thousand hectares of bush land to burn down.

Now I mentioned the Black Saturday fires at the beginning, the loss of lives, and the loss of property that it caused. I can remember that day clearly, and it was horrifying. Luckily for us again our town wasn't directly in the line of fire, but we were under ember attack, and I remember watching the debris fall down from the sky as the wind carried it over to us from surrounding towns. When it rained in the afternoon that day, the rain was black as the water mixed with the ash and soot in the air. The sky glowed orange all day and the atmosphere was suffocating. Back in 2009 our emergency systems were basic at best. There was no efficient way to relay information to people in danger and part of this is the reason why Black Saturday was so devastating. There was an inquest after the dust had settled, and the next few years were spent creating new ways to inform residents of current fire activity and impending danger. This included of course a Facebook page (where would we be without Facebook?) and a new emergency services website with constant updates which tells us exactly where in the country there are fires, and what it means for people in surrounding areas.

What the website looked like on Saturday. The red triangles mean get out now, the orange triangles mean be alert.

It is sad that it took a widespread tragedy to let people know that we needed a system like this, but hopefully the changes that have been made will mean that we never have a repeat of Black Saturday ever again. If this past week is anything to go by the changes are certainly positive. So far we have had one loss of life due to bush fire this year, which is a huge difference to the 173 lives that were lost in 2009. 

So now the rebuilding begins. Teams have already started cleaning up the freeway, and although it looks like a barren wasteland now with nothing but charred trees lining the roads, in a few weeks the green will start growing back and the trees will heal like they do every time there is a fire. The people will heal too. We're used to fires, we do live in the country after all. And as soon as the smoke finally clears we'll all be able to breathe a little bit easier. 

This is what we're breathing in at the moment.

I would like to take a minute to give a huge thank you to the heroic members of the Country Fire Association and the Metropolitan Fire Brigade who have come all the way down from Melbourne to help us fight these fires. Without these fearless men and women I'm sure this story would have a different ending. This includes the people working in the command centres, organising the information updates and making sure everyone knows how to stay safe.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Secret Subject Swap - Romancing the Stone (Hearted)

Hello again my lovely readers, I am back for the February round of Secret Subject Swap. You would all have to know the drill by now wouldn't you? I'll explain it for any of the new comers anyway (welcome newbies) Twelve lovely and brilliant bloggers all get together and send a subject they want another blogger to write about to the lovely and endlessly patient Karen at Baking in a Tornado. Karen then distributes the subjects evenly between the twelve of us, and we simultaneously post the end result. I have been doing this for 9 months now and each month is more fun than the last.

So first things first I will introduce the rest of the team to you, once you have read the fun that is my blog, you really need to go visit everyone else, even if just to find out who got my subject and how she or he managed to mold it into something cohesive. Spread the love far and wide and let them all know they are awesome.             Baking In A Tornado                          The Momisodes           Follow me home . . .                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy             Dates 2 Diapers 2 Confessions of a part-time working mom                         Spinster Snacks  FBX Adventures (In Parenting) More Than Cheese and Beer                          Small Talk Mama             Juicebox Confession          Spatulas on Parade

So today's topic for me is: Tell me your ideal romantic day.  Your time spent preparing for the day, the events, and the day itself. And it was submitted by Evil Joy Speaks.

I actually wrecked myself with laughter when I opened the email with this subject in it, as I am truly one of the least romantic people I know. This is the absolute truth. When Miss K's dad proposed to me at Arthur's Seat (a tourist attraction based around one of the most breathtaking panoramic views you will ever see) all I could focus on was the fact that he kept mucking up the words, even though I know he had been practising exactly what he was going to say for weeks before hand. It was still beautiful and I did cry, but I'm sure the sentiment behind it all would have been less wasted on someone else.

That's not to say I don't appreciate if a guy makes an effort for his lady, I'm just not as big a fan of all the gushy stuff. So my idea of a romantic day may be totally different to what the rest of you would actually call romantic. (Is this a bad time to mention I've only ever had one valentines day when I got a gift from a boyfriend, and only two boyfriends who have ever bought me flowers?)

Now if we're going out in my life currently, the first thing I'd need for a romantic day would be a date to take me out. Sadly given that I have decided to focus all of my attention on being a part time secretary/part time business owner/part time mum, it hasn't left much room in my life for persons of the opposite sex. Add in the fact that most of the men I see during my days are in the process of divorcing their wives and you come home feeling as romantic as a wet sponge on most days. But for the purposes of this post I'm going to pretend that the guy taking me out on this date exists, and he is even going out on this date willingly. 

Now I don't know how other women prepare for dates. I'm assuming you spend hours doing hair and make up, choosing your outfit and practising your best come hither smile. My current beauty regime since Miss K was born consists of picking something out of my floordrobe* that doesn't smell like sweat and isn't decorated with last night's dinner thanks to my finicky daughter. Make up is a real luxury for me these days, and given what I have planned for this date, I think I'd probably wear minimum make up, and something comfortable but flattering. (That is actually harder than you think with my current range of clothes.) It will probably take longer to bribe someone from my family to take Miss K for the day so I can have some alone time than it will take for me to actually get ready for this date. 

So the thing that impresses me the most about a guy is when he takes the time to listen to the woman he is trying to please. You want to make me happy? Take me to the beach. And not just in summer either. I love walking through the waves during winter. So the rest of my preparation would probably consist of dropping constant hints to my beau and hoping he gets the point that I want to walk along the beach with him. Now I know the old walking hand in hand along the shoreline is actually a pretty big cliche when it comes to being romantic, but I'm more likely to be the one kicking the waves and splashing the person I'm walking with, so that really doesn't leave much room for holding hands and staring wistfully out to sea. 

Now we'd spend maybe two hours driving to this beach in the morning, (well he'd drive, I'll be too busy looking out the window at all the pretty scenery going past.) so there will be about an hour to walk along the beach before I'll start getting the munchies and need to stop for lunch. Depending on the season will depend where I want to eat. If it's summer we HAVE to have fish and chips on the sand. You're just not Australian if you don't eat fish and chips on the shoreline when you go to the beach. If it is winter however, I'll probably not want to sit out in the elements just to eat, so we'll need to find a cozy little pub somewhere for a sit down meal. The atmosphere in some of these tourist town pubs is just amazing and I love finding one that I could just sit in all day. 

But despite what some people think, for me sitting in a pub all day isn't really the most romantic thing to do, so I'll probably suggest we spend our afternoon exploring the town attached to the beach we have come to visit. Beach side towns are always such beautiful places to explore, and not just because of the shops (although that is always a bit of a draw for me) but the houses are usually not too shabby either, and I love looking at houses. (call me weird, I don't care. One of my favourite places to visit when Miss K and I visit her Melbourne family is the upper class part of Sydenham just because the houses there are breathtaking. They seriously all look like massive convention centres.) 

Now you may be reading this now and thinking to yourself that playing tourists isn't romantic at all. What you're forgetting is I've orchestrated a situation where for a lot of the time it's just the two of us, and all those hours spent driving leaves a lot of room for talking. And one of the most romantic things for me is a man who can hold his own end of a conversation for hours. It doesn't have to be all deep and intellectual, there can be a few fart jokes thrown in for light entertainment, but to have someone to talk to that you never run out of things to say to is a pretty rare find, so it always excites me to find someone like this. There will be moments of silence too, because you need to find someone you can have comfortable silence with. (One of my closest friends is my favourite person to be silent with. I go to his house when I'm tired of noise because we have lots of long spaces without any conversation. We don't need to talk, we're just happy to have each other's company.)

So we're done with being tourists, it's getting late and we need to go home, but that doesn't mean the day is over. The last thing you must do if you want to impress me is put up with watching a chick flick. When I'm in a relationship I will put up with lots of terrible blokey films, and sometimes I may even enjoy them, but every now and again I need to feel that my man will take an interest in the things that make me happy to watch. I won't even crack it if he points out the plot holes (I see them too, I just don't let them ruin my experience) and he'll get bonus points if his comments make me laugh. (A little tip to all the men out there, I am not alone in this wish. If you really want to make your lady happy, suggest you two watch one of her favourite movies together every once in a while. You might even get us in a frisky mood if you pick the right movie :D)

Because this blog is a G rated blog I'm going to say the evening ends with a quick kiss goodnight and I go to bed with my integrity intact, but if you want my evening to go a different path, please feel free to use your imagination. I for one would be more than happy to just collapse into bed and pass out for six hours before Miss K comes in at 6 to watch Despicable Me 2 for the millionth time in a row.

Well that's it for me, be sure to visit everyone else on my list and enjoy their offerings too. For any real romantics out there who are getting all excited for the most romantic day of the year, I hope you have a wonderful Valentines Day, think of me as I try to survive three days with Miss K's Melbourne family while you're having your oysters and champagne. This year is especially awkward for Miss K's dad and I because had things gone differently we would have been married three years this Valentines Day. We tend to try to avoid eachother on February 14th but this year the calendar gods were against us and it happens right on a scheduled visit. Stay awesome and be sure to check back here on the 14th because Use Your Words is back again and I'll be participating again. 

Sunday, 2 February 2014

News from the front line

This is Searching for Sanity reporting to you live from a war torn home in a tiny town in country Victoria. This once peaceful place has been ripped apart by conflict between two former allies. On one side you have the young (and very good looking) single mum, trying her darndest to provide a nice life for her and her people, and on the other side, you have a two year old dictator who is determined to overthrow the single mum's power and replace her as ruler of the house. The battles are frequent, loud, and full of tears.

Officials of the house say the worst time for skirmishes has been at bed time, and also when it's time to get out of the tub, but there have also been conflicts over the two year old not eating her vegetables, not sharing her toys, and of course playing too roughly with the kitten. The single mum is desperately trying to regain her footing as ultimate leader of the house, but admits that the two year old is certainly her toughest foe to date.

There have been several attempts by the single mum to extend an olive branch to the two year old, these have come in the form of delaying bed time by up to an hour, and also reading one more book before leaving the room, but the effects of these peacekeeping missions are always short lived and the two year old is soon back to her tyrannical ways. Other citizens of the house live in constant fear for their ear drums, and are always on high alert for yet another temper tantrum. Luckily these are a people who are not unfamiliar with the antics of two year olds, so evacuations of bystanders is always quick and there have been few fatalities to date.

Officials are warning visitors to avoid visiting the house unless absolutely necessary, to prevent the risk of death or injury to any innocent people, and if you know anyone who lives in the house, you should contact the house's embassy for further information about the current situation.

We will have more news as it breaks, but until then, this is war correspondent Searching for Sanity wishing you all good health.

Pictured: An artist's rendition of current events in the war torn house.

For anyone wondering, Miss K is going through a particularly defiant stage of the terrible twos, and tonight was a bad night. Instead of sitting here stewing in my own juices I decided I needed to lighten up my mood, and because this place feels like a war zone right now, this post just seemed appropriate. We'll all get through this I'm sure, and I know by tomorrow morning my sunny little girl will be lying in my bed waiting for me to get up so she can smother me with hugs, but poking fun at the situation will be enough to keep me sane for now. Stay awesome everyone.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

January Fly on the Wall

Welcome to the very first Fly on the Wall for the year. I participated in this fun party once last year, and then promptly forgot to sign up for subsequent months. As a result you guys have missed out on some cracker stuff that gets said around here when no one is watching. So I decided to once again open my house to all the people who wanted to see what goes on in a mad house all the time. So please feel free to be the flies on my wall (what's a few more added to the million that have already made themselves at home around here? Stupid summer) and once you're done, buzz over to the other websites that are participating in the Fly on the Wall posts this month and keep the festivities going.

Fly on the Wall

Me: Interesting fact, mouldy bananas smell like pee.
Mum: Hmmm, it's not that interesting.

Me: I think it's time to feed the cat. Shall we give him his dinner?
Miss K: Yes
Me: Ok you take Bertie to the laundry so we can feed him.

The joys of summer

Mum: There is a fly in here and it's doing my head in (while looking around the lounge for the can of fly spray)
Me: It's in the kitchen, you want me to get it?
Mum: What, the fly is?
Me: Yes mum, the fly is in the kitchen. I'll bring it in here so you can squash it.

Number 2043 of things I never thought I'd have to say to my daughter

Me: MISS K, GET OUT OF THERE, THAT'S THE CAT'S TOILET!!!! Yes I scrubbed her hands with anti-bacterial soap right after this.

While scrubbing her hands after her excavation adventure in the cat litter box

Me: You can't touch the litter box because Bertie's poo has bugs in it. Do you want to get bugs?
Miss K: Yes.
Me: You do? Well too bad because I'm not letting you.

Number 4476 of things I'm tired of having to say to my daughter

Me: Would you stop licking me please? It's super gross.

One of Kim's friends commented that the way she was speaking about me was pretty mean. I had to inform him that when I'm not listening she tells her friends I'm the tattooed lesbian of the family. With sisters like this who needs enemies?

Listening into my sisters drunken phone calls

Kim: You never drink. Even if there's a fire.

Later on in the same conversation

Kim: Hey Anton, how's your small wang going?

Mum got a phone call. Afterwards she had to explain the reason for the call to me.

Mum: That was Kim on the phone. She asked me what that one wheeled thing in the garden is called?
Me: What?
Mum: A wheelbarrow. When I told her she cracked it because she's been calling it a wheelburra all these years, and Stacey finally corrected her tonight.

I was later informed by Kim that she also calls Soy Sauce sorry sauce, she can't say asbestos and she pronounces crayons crowns.

Me: There's a UV alert today from 9:10am to 5:40pm.
Mum: What's the time now?
Me: 10:55.
Mum: Damn I've missed my chance to go outside naked without sunscreen on for the day.

I had sent Miss K to her room after one too many temper tantrums, and realised that her crying had stopped and there was now no noise coming from her room.

Me: It's quiet in there. Too quiet. Mutilating the kitten quiet. I'm going to go check on her.

Number 2044 of things I never thought I'd have to say to my daughter


More pearls of wisdom from Kim

If I had to choose one word to describe you, it would be Matchbox 20.

In an attempt to get Miss K to form full sentences, we now prompt her with the words she needs to say, and she parrots them back to us one at a time. This was just too easy to turn around as a method of torture...

Me: Can
Miss K: Can
Me: I
Miss K: I
Me: Have
Miss K: Have
Me: A
Miss K: A
(I'm hoping everyone knows what a noogie is, but just in case you don't, that's when you grab your victim and rub a knuckle across their head. Of course given my victim is 2 this is always done very gently.)

And lastly a photo. The other day my three year old niece slept at our place as her mum had an appointment in Melbourne to check out how her pregnancy is going along. During the day I sent Miss K and her cousin outside to play and left them to it. After a while I noticed it had gotten very quiet outside, which is unusual for both of these girls, so I had to go investigate. I'm glad I took pictures of them once I got them inside, because these are going to get pulled out every time she brings her friends home once she's a teenager.

Guess who decided to go digging in the dry and dusty garden?

You can't really tell from the photo, but my niece had a dirt mono brow, and there was not an inch of skin that wasn't covered in dirt. Needless to say I chucked them both in the shower and washed away the evidence before her parents could come pick her up. Of course not before snapping this picture and uploading it onto the internet thus incriminating myself anyway. Mother of the year!!!

Well that's all the madness I can fit into one post for now. I'll let you guys go on to the next website now. Tell them I say hi.                Baking In A Tornado                       The Rowdy Baker                       Just A Little Nutty                                  The Momisodes              Spatulas on Parade                       The Sadder But Wiser Girl               Follow me home . . .     Stacy Sews and Schools                           The Lazy Mom’s Cooking Blog                   Menopausal Mother          Victory Rose                        Pink Heart String                        Spinster Snacks

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Use your words

Hello and welcome back to my corner of the world. It's pretty hot here right now, like face meltingly hot. The barometer hit 44 degrees this afternoon (111 farenheit for my imperial friends out there) and today is day five of blisteringly hot weather, so we're all feeling pretty miserable down here. Add to that the bushfire in a town just 11 km away from where I live (6 miles) and I could use a distraction right now. Luckily for me the lovely Karen from Baking in a Tornado has come up with a new blogging game, so sit back and relax while I introduce you to Use Your Words.

So for this post, all the participating bloggers were asked to provide 4 - 6 phrases or words that must be used in a post. These are then given to another unsuspecting blogger and it's up to them to turn their list of words into some semblance of sense. Today we have been asked to post our stories, all at the same time. This is the first time all of us get to see who got our submissions, and what direction they decided to take with the words we picked for them. The possibilities for fun are endless.  Before I go any further I'll introduce the rest of the group of players. Please be sure to visit them all and see what everyone else has done with their submissions.                   Baking In A Tornado    Juicebox Confession Confessions of a part-time working mom           Battered Hope          Spatulas on Parade               Evil Joy Speaks          Stacy Sews and Schools                         Just A Little Nutty     The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                   Follow me home . . .                         Dates 2 Diapers

So the phrases I have been given to use are...He saw the white coat ~ Hello ~ OMG WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? ~DON'T EAT THAT ...and they were submitted by Dates 2 Diapers

I had always thought my life was pretty ordinary. I had my daughter, my job and my hobbies to keep me busy, and that was all I needed. I watched other people have dramatic and exciting lives, but I was happy to stay in the audience and watch all the fun from the sidelines. But one night that all changed with a visit from a stranger. 

I have tried to explain this night over and over again to many people, but no one ever seems to believe me. It has gotten to the point where I'm just that crazy lady that mothers warn their children to stay away from. But it wasn't always like this, once upon a time I was ordinary. 

This night was ordinary at first too. I'd finally gotten Miss K to bed after three requests for extra drinks, one request to use the potty, and five requests for another story and I was getting ready to settle in for a night of watching mindless television before crawling into bed when there was an almighty thud outside my living room window. I jumped up and screamed OMG WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? My heart was in my throat from the fright, but I decided I needed to investigate in case someone had gotten hurt. 

I went outside into the darkness and waited for my eyes to adjust. I scanned the front yard and the nature strip where my car was parked, but at first I couldn't see any evidence of what the heck had made the noise. "Hello?" I called out in the night, hoping somebody would answer me so I didn't have to go any further away from my door. At first there was silence, but then I heard a quiet moan from around the street lamp outside my fence. "Darn it" I thought to myself as I headed towards where the moan came from. At first I couldn't see anyone, but once I got closer I noticed a lump on the ground at the foot of the pole. I rushed over, noticing how small the lump was. Almost too small to be an adult. "What is a kid doing out this time of night?" I thought as I left the yard. By the time I got to the lump it was starting to stand up, and the first thing I noticed was that this was no child. It wasn't even human. 

This is the point where I start getting weird looks from the people I tell the story to. If I hadn't lived it myself I wouldn't believe it either, but standing in front of me that night next to the lamp post was a giant rabbit. And I'm not just talking an over sized, well fed rabbit, I'm talking a four foot tall rabbit. A very woozy four foot tall rabbit. I stopped dead in my tracks as I tried to process what I was seeing, but as I did the rabbit swayed a little bit and started to fall over again. I raced over and grabbed him before he landed on the ground. The jolt seemed to wake him up and he looked up at me, clearly having difficulty focusing. 

"What on earth...?" I managed to choke out, not trusting my ability to speak any further in case I screamed.
"Ooooohhh" said the rabbit, "Where did that lamp post come from?"
I nearly dropped him back on his head, as I finally let out a little scream.
"You can talk" I cried
"Well spotted" he replied, with more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice
"But....but rabbit's aren't supposed to talk" I managed to say
"Ah yes, but I'm not most rabbits," he said proudly, "I'm the Easter Bunny."
"The Easter Bunny? but it's February. Don't you normally come out in April?"
"Do I look like I'm delivering eggs?" He snapped. I looked around and couldn't see any baskets around so I shook my head.
"I'm actually on holidays at the moment." He continued. "I was having a race with a leprechaun, but I didn't see that lamp post there, and now he's probably already celebrating his victory at the pub. Stupid drunk."
I was beginning to feel woozy myself and tried to sit down, forgetting that I was still cradling the Easter Bunny's head in my arms, so we both ended up toppling to the ground. The Easter Bunny gave a cry of pain as we tried to untangle ourselves. I apologised profusely and invited him inside to get a drink. I figured it was the least I could do since it was my lamp post he had crashed into, not to mention having probably just made his injuries worse.

We came inside and he started sniffing around the lounge room while I got a glass of water from the kitchen.  When I came back to the lounge he was investigating my couch, where I had left my white fur coat earlier in the day. He saw the white coat and screamed. 
"What?" I screamed back, surprised at his sudden outburst
"You killed a yeti!" he yelled back. "You killed a yeti and turned him into a coat!"
"Ah" I said relieved. "First of all yetis aren't real, and second of all that's fake fur."
"Exactly." said The Easter Bunny angrily. "Where do you think all the fake fur in the world comes from?"
"From factories?" I replied confused
"No!" yelled the Easter Bunny, "It comes from Yetis."

Totally bamboozled by this stage I flopped down on the couch to try and wrap my head around everything that had happened in the past ten minutes. I noticed some jelly beans on the coffee table and absently started eating them. Suddenly The Easter Bunny looked over at me and jumped up.
"NO! DON'T EAT THAT" he yelled, but it was too late, I'd already had three.
"What? they're just jelly beans" I said defensively.
"They're not just jelly beans" he replied impatiently, "they are sleeping tablets. I give them to kids who are still awake when I come to deliver the eggs. It stops them from interrupting me while I work."
I was about to open my mouth to protest but things started going dark. I tried to fight the feeling of exhaustion that had washed over me, even for just a few minutes to tell The Easter Bunny how irresponsible it was to drug small children, but it was just too strong.

I woke up with the sun streaming onto my face, still fully dressed on the couch. I struggled up and tried to remember why I hadn't made it to bed the night before when I noticed a sheet of paper on the cushion next to where my head had been. I picked it up and began to read the unfamiliar handwriting.

"Sorry about drugging you, didn't your mother ever teach you not to take lollies from strangers? Thanks for the hospitality. EB"

Images from the night before came flooding back and I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, trying to tell myself that everything that happened last night was just a crazy dream, but the note in my hands was making that impossible. I called my big sister and tried to tell her about my adventure, but she laughed uncomfortably and told me it might be time for a holiday. I told my mum, my little sister, even my boss. None of them believed me and my boss even told me I needed to stop working so hard and take some time to relax. 

And so that's how I became the crazy lady around here. But I refuse to give up. I've started a support group for others who have been visited by fictional characters, and I hope one day someone else will come forward and admit they too have met The Easter Bunny.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Secret Subject Swap - Fry up

Hello again my lovelies, another month has passed and it's time again for yet another Secret Subject Swap. For any of you who haven't heard of this phenomenon, each month 12 bloggers get together and swap topics with each other with thanks to Karen from Baking in a Tornado. Then on a pre-determined day we all release our posts at the same time so that the rest of you can enjoy. Before I get into the action, I'll introduce the other bloggers participating in the swap today. Once you have finished reading my slice of the fun, be sure to visit everyone else and share the love around.                     Baking In A Tornado                   Follow me home . . .                                  The Momisodes                     Confessions of a part-time working mom                        A Working Mom’s “Whoas”’              Evil Joy Speaks                            Go Momma!                     Juicebox Confession          Stacy Sews and Schools                  Spatulas on Parade                          Small Talk Mama

So today my topic is You have the opportunity to meet with any celebrity for coffee, dead or alive: who do you choose, where do you go, what do you talk about?
It was submitted by: Confessions of a part-time working mom     

So anyone who knows me will know how much I love to talk. I love it so much I kept getting work in call centres so I had an excuse to talk all day without anyone being allowed to tell me to shut up. (Ok neither of those are true facts, I got the jobs because I'm not fussy, and I still got told to shut up ALL the time.) But one thing I find that goes great with talking is coffee. Give me a cup of java and someone to talk to and I am happy as a pig in muck. Given my love for both of these things, I think the best person to go on a coffee date with would be Stephen Fry.

I am hoping desperately that you have all heard of this gentleman, and aren't all just staring at your computer screens blankly, as Stephen Fry has had his fingers in so many pies that surely even people who don't watch television must have heard of him. Good friend of comic geniuses like Hugh Laurie and Emma Thompson (and a comic genius in his own right too), writer, actor, director, and the owner of a golden voice, who lends his talents to kids cartoons and video games alike. (For any players of the game LittleBigPlanet you are looking at the narrator of all the games right here.) He is the quiz master of QI, one of my favourite quiz shows of all time, and he has worked alongside my future husband David Boreanaz on the set of Bones which is just a bonus in my book. He is also vocal about his struggles with depression and suicide, which is an important topic for anyone to understand.

Now for our coffee date I'd chose somewhere quiet and out of the way for us to meet up and meld minds. I'd love somewhere in London with low mood lighting and classic movie posters on the walls. Chandeliers would be an added bonus. We'd get a corner table out of the way of any other customers who come in and I'd order a cappuccino (because I am completely unimaginitive and refuse to try coffee without milk) and Stephen would it wrong to assume that he'd have tea because he's British? Well given this is my coffee date and not his I'm going to give him a short black. (Apologies to the real Stephen Fry if I've gotten your order wrong, feel free to correct me :-D) Once we've gotten our drinks we can stop with the small talk that always happens when you don't have a cup in your hand and get on with the real conversing. The topics will be vast and varied, as I have chosen one of the most well rounded people I know of to accompany me in this fantasy. We can talk about current technology, (Stephen is a lover of all things Apple and was one of the first people in Britain to own the Apple Macintosh computer back in the eighties.) literature, the evolution and then devolution of the English language, Oscar Wilde, and anything else we can think of. I will try my hardest to make him swear too, because if there is one thing I love, it's hearing people with a posh British accent drop the F bomb. It is almost like the auditory version of finding a unicorn. 

The date would only end when the barista kicked us out because they need to close up for the evening. We would be sad for our chat to end as there would still be so much that we hadn't discussed, but we would button up our winter jackets and head out into the chilly London air, I to the airport because I really can't afford to stay in London for longer than one coffee date at a time, and Stephen to his flat. The world would seem slightly flat and boring after my one chat with Stephen, and I could only hope that I was able to add a little sunshine into his life too, even if only for one afternoon. I would remember my afternoon with my hero for the rest of my life, and would slowly bore and alienate all of my friends at parties as I bang on and on forever about the day I shared a coffee with Stephen Fry. So perhaps it's best for my social life such as it is that this all just happened in my head and not in real life.

Well that's all from me for now, be sure to visit the rest of the swappers if you haven't already, and be sure to tune in again next week when I take part in a new series that Karen has cooked up for us. 

Thursday, 2 January 2014

New Year Old Me

As always I'm a step behind the rest of the blogging world when it comes to timely posting, but I know you guys will forgive me as always because I'm just that awesome.

So yesterday I wrote about what happened in December 2013, and why it was by far the worst month I've had for a long time. But December was only one month. What did I think about the rest of the year I've just had? To be perfectly honest I can't remember the past 12 months too well, probably because I was just too damn busy to stop and store much in my long term memory, but according to my phone's calendar and photo gallery, below are some of the things I managed to accomplish this year.

I kept Miss K alive for another 12 months

So according to the photos on my phone, the last photo I took of Miss K was on 24th December in the emergency room at Sunshine Hospital while she was driving dangerously. (Luckily if there was an accident we were surrounded by trained professionals.) But according to the lump in her bed she's still very much here so I'm considering that my biggest accomplishment to date. Anyone who has kids will tell you exactly how hard they are to keep safe, with their desire to touch everything they shouldn't touch, and jump off all the things you don't want them to jump off, so every day you can get them to bed in one piece is a win. Miss K and I have had a lot of ups and downs this year, a few major changes to our routines and quite a bit of stress and worry, but she is definitely blossoming into a beautiful child (despite her love of temper tantrums) and not a day goes by when I don't feel proud of her.

I finished my schooling

This one I still remember pretty well (probably because I ended up taking my final exam at McDonalds.) I have since gotten my final results, and while I didn't get a perfect score for the exam, I am pretty sure I got enough to pass the unit and I'll graduate along with everyone else in March. I haven't heard anything from my tutor to say otherwise, so I now just need to sit back and wait for my certificate to show up in the mail. I'm pretty proud to say the least that I managed to stick it out with this course, and I will finally have a piece of paper to show people that I know stuff about things. I still don't know if I'll ever actually use my new qualification outside of taking payments from clients, but at this stage that doesn't really matter as much as the fact that I actually managed to finish something.

I got a job and managed to keep it

So for anyone who saw the post I wrote when I first decided to try going back to work, you will know that the last time I worked for my boss I made it through 6 months before quitting and moving to another town over 100 Km away. (Not because I was scared of my former boss, just because the pickings are richer out west.) Well the 6 month mark came and went in December and I managed to ride out the storm and not quit my job this time. To be fair though I had no intentions of quitting this time, and given that I am older and wiser than I was in 2007 it wasn't hard to stick around this time. The work is still challenging, and I see more horrible things in a week than I ever wanted to see in a life time (such is the way when people start fighting over their children), but my boss is super generous, totally understanding about how hard it is to juggle kids and employment, and brilliant at her job, which makes my job easier. I still have to wear a monkey suit to work every day, and now I've been told I'm not allowed to put my hair in a pony tail while at work, so the demands will never stop, but I'm determined to keep my head down and just keep bringing in the moolah.

I started a business

Yes I am still a business owner, even though things are pretty quiet on the business side of things, but I managed to hit a pretty big sales target that Kaszazz give all new consultants and I'm loving all the perks being afforded to me as a consultant. We have officially gone multi-national so any of my crafty readers out there, check out the link and come see the awesome things you can do with our products. (Ok sales pitch over, I'll go back to being a blogger now.)

I got my teeth fixed

So this one I never blogged about, partly because it was too awful to talk about at the time, and partly because I hate my teeth, so talking about them is never high on my list of things to do. But I did get sick and tired of all the holes and pain so I gave in and visited a dentist. Two extractions and seven fillings later I'm still in pain while I continue to heal, but at least my smile looks normal. There was also one fun visit where the anesthetic wore off before the dentist was finished, and being the scaredy cat I am, I didn't have the nerve to tell her to stop playing with my teeth and drug me up again. That tooth took forever to stop hurting, and there is now a lump on the gum directly above it, so I need to go back to the dentist again this week to get her to check it out, but I'll get my teeth cleaned at the same time so it's not all bad. Seriously guys, brush your teeth every day. It saves you a hell of a lot of pain in the long run.

Miss K started day care

I know I swore black and blue that I would never send my daughter to day care and let strangers take care of her, but as always life had different plans for me. My big sister Sam has valiantly taken care of her for the past 6 months while I went off to work, and she did it without a single complaint (ok that's not entirely true, my daughter is a handful) but the strain of taking care of her own two children plus mine did get a bit much in the end. So I decided for her sake, and also to help Miss K learn to socialize with children who she isn't related to, that the time had come to put her into a program. We had a few weeks of orientation in December, which was actually timed perfectly because they came right after Sam's brother in law died, so she was really too busy taking care of her own family and didn't need the worry of Miss K as well. Orientation went super smoothly and Miss K is loving going to day care two days a week. She starts again on the 6th of this month while I'm still on holidays so if anything goes wrong I'm still close enough to deal with it for the first week. Sam's baby is starting school this year as well, so she won't know herself, being totally child free while Miss K is in day care, but she'll still get her one day a week, plus pick ups the rest of the time, so she won't be totally deprived of her time with Miss K. (Her words not mine)

I met long lost family members

So again this is something I didn't discuss at the time, but I actually got to meet one of my big sisters for the first time. I've mentioned before that my dad had 5 children with a previous wife, and I had met all of them except one. Well the Gods of fortune smiled on us this year and nearly 20 years after I met the first of my half brothers and sisters, I finally met the last one. The meeting was strange to say the least, as I could see the similarities that come with sharing a genetic bond, but given that her and her brothers and sisters were fed lies about our family their whole lives, things were slightly strained at first while we tried to figure each other  out. But my big sister and her partner are lovely ladies, and great mums and I am proud to be able to say I now know them. Miss K also got to meet a missing link in her family tree when Ady and his father finally reconnected after I don't know how many years of being estranged, and things there are going great. We make sure to pop in to visit him every month while we're down visiting Nonna, and while she has no idea we have anything to do with him (Ady hasn't gotten up the nerve to tell her and I refuse to get involved), it is lovely watching him develop a relationship with his only grandchild. He spoils her absolutely rotten any chance he gets, but he also genuinely loves her. He drives trams for a living, and lives very close to the route he drives, so any time a tram passes us as we walk down the street, they stop where they are so they can meet Miss K. It's fun watching my daughter disrupt Melbourne traffic and get away with it. If only she knew exactly how much power she held.

I made some wonderful blogging friends

So for anyone who has read anything before this blog, you'll know I have a blog crush on Karen from Baking in a Tornado. This lady just comes up with the best ideas for blogging, and I look forward to taking part in her blog series every chance I get. I get three chances this month, so I'm over the moon excited right now. But she certainly isn't the only wonderful blogger I've had the joy to cross paths with this year. From Vanessa at Babbling Bandit who writes about her daily struggles with depression with such raw honesty you can't help but feel her pain, to Stephanie at The Pursuit of Normal who makes me feel so much better about my own screw ups, and everyone else I have spoken to this year, (there are too many to mention), I will just say you ladies are all wonderful, and your writing has touched me so much over the year, so thank you.

Well I think that's a pretty good year. I'm sure other things happened too, but if I really gave you a play by play of the entire year, we'd be here until 2015 so I'll leave you now with my absolute favourite photo of 2013, Miss K as a fairy.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...