The hidden effects of bulimia

I am going to admit something to you guys that I have only admitted to two of my immediate family members and no one else. I've kept this little secret to myself for two reasons; one because it doesn't look too good for me, and two because it looks like I'm trying to blame my problems on my baby sister.

If any of you read my piece on R U OK day for 2016 (you can find it here) you'll know that my little sister is currently living with my mum and I while she tries to recover from bulimia, PTSD, and now suspected Fibromyalgia. Her health problems and mental problems fill up her whole life, and as an extension they fill up our lives as we live with her. While I've always had an idea how hard bulimia was to overcome, I never suspected it could affect people not suffering from it quite like it does. That's the thing about mental disorders, they are insidious and sneaky and plague you in ways you never thought possible.

Which is why yesterday I had to Google the phrase "are eating disorders contagious". You see ever since Kimberley has come to live with us, I have developed a hatred for food. I hate the way it has become an obsession for my little sister, I hate how much of her day revolves around cooking and eating food, I hate that our kitchen is always full of dirty dishes because she got peckish yet again. At first I avoided cooking because it always meant having to wash a mountain of dishes just to get enough supplies to cook something for me. This really isn't a problem around here right now because Kimberley loves cooking, so she gladly picked up the slack that I dropped. Then I spent weeks listening to Kimberley talk about all the different restaurants she's been to, the meals she's cooked, the meals she wants to cook, the meals she managed to keep down, and the ones she didn't, and I got food fatigue. I was so tired of hearing about food, of talking about food, of watching someone be consumed by food that I began to hate the very fuel that is meant to keep my body going.

I stopped just avoiding cooking and began to start avoiding eating as well. Food held no joy for me anymore, and I lost my appetite almost entirely. I still managed to organise meals for Miss K, but I stopped eating with her. I would wait until she went to bed and eat a rice cake or a bag of Doritos instead of sitting down to a proper meal. Kimberley nagged me to eat more, and this just made me angry. How dare a person who can't even manage their own relationship with food lecture me on mine. This seemed to make my own issues magnify and when Miss K went for a holiday at her dad's house for a week I stopped caring for food entirely. I lived the entire week on yogurt for breakfast and rice cakes for dinner, with ice cream for dessert. It was a throwback to a time before I had Miss K when I would eat cereal for every meal and be happy doing so. I was almost happy when Miss K's dad told me she'd spent her last night at his house throwing up, because it meant I had to give her something very light for dinner her first night back, just in case she was still sick.

It slowly dawned on me that my behaviour was becoming problematic. I began to wonder why I had such an aversion to food now, when it used to be the only good thing in my life once upon a time. (That was in my late teens when emotional eating made me balloon out to a size 20.) I've never been one to diet, and while I've not always had the healthiest relationship with food, I've certainly become smarter about it ever since Miss K came along, and usually I try my hardest to eat a balanced diet. The thing is, I don't actually believe I have an eating disorder, what I have is a whole lot of anger. I am angry at food for the hold it has on my little sister. But I can't punish food for being such a toxic subject in my house, so like the true passive aggressive I am, I avoid it entirely. Is it healthy? No. Does it solve anything? Hell no.

There isn't a lot of attention paid online to the effects eating disorders have on the people surrounding the sufferer. It is always briefly acknowledged that yes, you will struggle as you try to help the person you love, and here are some of the things you may feel, however get over it princess because here is what you now need to do to help the person with an eating disorder. There is no article called "How to survive your sister's bulimia" which would really help me right now.

Now like I said at the beginning of this, the reason I haven't admitted this to anyone is because it sounds like I am blaming Kimberley for admitting she has a problem. Do I wish Kimberley hadn't reached out to us for help? No. Not at all. I'd rather have a sister who is alive and openly struggling than a sister who died because of a secret. As much as she bugs the hell out of me on a weekly basis, the alternative is far worse. What I really hope to achieve by sharing my dirty little secret with you is showing that helping someone get through something like this is bloody hard, and you will feel like shit sometimes. This is OK, and you can't feel guilty for having your own reactions to the situation you are living. There is help out there for families, you just won't find a lot of it on the internet. You will need to go to the professionals, and I am no different. For any one out there reading this who is currently hiding their own eating disorder, please understand that reaching out for help is the best thing you can do. The people you love would much rather help you bear your burdens and feel these feelings than be kept blissfully unaware and in the dark.

As for me, this is the part where I suck it up princess. It's not my job to fight with food, and doing so is counter-productive, so I need to stop taking my anger out on food and start dealing with my feelings like an adult. Realising what my problem was has helped, so it can only go up from here. (See? Adult!) Now if you'll excuse me Miss K has just informed me she is craving pumpkin rice and tortellini, so I have to go shopping and fill my pantry up with some real food. That is one of the downsides of her spending a whole week with Italians; her love of good cooking comes home with her.

If any of you have gone through, or are currently going through something similar, please drop me a comment down below, let me know how you're coping (or not coping as the case may be). I'd love to hear from you.

R U OK 2016 Kimberley's Story

Hello again my lovelies, I'm back for a not so fun, but super important discussion today. As some of you probably already know, today is R U OK day, the day where we shed a light on suicide prevention and remind people to look at the people around you and make sure you ask R U OK if you're worried about them.

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I spoke about this day last year  and I took some time to share some of my own story with you guys. this year I'm doing something slightly different and I'm sharing someone else's story. (With their permission of course.) I mentioned back in the July Fly on the Wall that my baby sister Kimberley had come to stay with us for a little while. I didn't mention the specifics simply because a Fly on the Wall really isn't the place to discuss a story like this, but given the day I thought now would be a good time, and Kimberley agreed. Now there are still some specifics of this story that I am not 100% sure on, so there may be edits in the future, but I'll make a note of them if that does happen.

Kim has always been a special case as far as our family goes, because she always seemed to have the worst health. We always joked that she got all the defective genes given she was the last of 6 kids, but whatever the reason, she has spent her life dealing with a slew of physical and mental problems. She's always been a little bit OCD, a little bit of a germaphobe, and a little highly strung. On top of that she also has asthma, allergies and eczema. She really is the genetic dud of the family, but we love her anyway. We've all just accepted her personality quirks as being part of who she is, given how deeply ingrained mental issues are in our family it was inevitable she'd have something. As Kimberley got older however the issues got more serious. Kimberley became bulimic when she was a teenager. She also began drinking pretty heavily. My big sister Sam started suspecting that there was a serious problem when Kimberley was about 19, but confronting her was never going to be a good idea, so Sam tried the next best thing and asked Kimberley's high school boyfriend. He was more aware of the extent of the issues Kimberley was dealing with at the time, but being young and stupid he thought he could handle everything on his own and lied to us about there being anything worth worrying about. He then told Kimberley we were starting to suspect something so she became better at hiding her symptoms from us.

Fast forward another year or so, Kimberley had moved in with a new boyfriend by now, and was starting to struggle to hide her problems as well as she had in the past. We didn't realise it at the time, but it was because she was trapped in a super abusive relationship and the pressure of keeping up appearances coupled with her already pre-existing mental problems was becoming too much. Her boyfriend kept coming to us with scary stories like the time she tried to throw herself out of a moving car speeding down a freeway, or telling us she was constantly drinking to excess and acting impulsively in the most terrifying ways. He seemed genuinely concerned for her, and he appeared to want to help her, so we accepted his stories and tried to support them both, but nothing seemed to work. Kimberley ended up in and out of hospital during this time, her bulimia got so bad she ended up with a stomach ulcer, her drinking was completely out of control and her physical and mental health were declining rapidly. Eventually she got so sick she had to stop working and ended up living in bed. During this time I had hundreds of conversations with mum and with Sam, we were all worried out of our minds as to how to make Kimberley better, but there was nothing we could do because Kimberley didn't want to be helped. I hated having to tell them we had to sit back and wait but it was honestly all we could do until Kimberley was ready to admit that there was a problem and wanted out of her current situation.

It took 2 years for that to happen. None of us know really what Kimberley's ex was doing to her that whole time, as she still isn't ready to discuss the abuse with us, but we know it was bad. When Kimberley finally came to us she had been the victim of a physically and emotionally abusive man for over two years. The damage that man had managed to do to her over the course of that time was just mind boggling. He broke my baby sister utterly and completely into a million tiny pieces, and we now had the job of putting her back together. As the days rolled by Kimberley slowly started telling us tiny pieces of the story, we heard of the day she'd had enough of her life and tried to overdose on pain killers but ended up just sleeping for 24 hours straight. We heard of the day she decided she'd walk in front of a train, only to be stopped by a concerned stranger who noticed her pacing across a level crossing and stopped her. Luckily that day there were no trains for some reason, but I still thank the stars someone spoke to her. That tiny act of concern snapped her out of whatever was going on in her head and it wasn't long after that that she finally found the strength to leave.

We spent weeks helping Kimberley heal. When she first came home to us she felt completely and totally alone. She was unable to see the support network she had sitting around her at all times simply because life had become so hopeless for her she was blind to any signs of hope. Even our dad was right there by her side the whole time, and he's never been able to cope with hugely emotional situations. (A cynical person might say that was just evidence Kimberley was his favourite, but we're not cynical are we?) We seemed to be getting through to her, she was back at work, she was back to visiting friends, she looked like she was slowly coming back to us when her ex found a new girl. Kimberley crashed and burned and we took giant steps backwards in our progress. Then a friend died in an accident while on holiday and Kimberley started saying she didn't want to live anymore. And she kept saying it over and over. Mum was out of her mind with worry, my other sister Natalie was out of her mind with worry, Sam was out of her mind with worry, and I was stuck listening to everyone worry and stress and not know what to do.

I ended up reaching out to Kimberley, desperate to try to keep everything together. I wrote her a letter telling her all kinds of lovely and encouraging things about her, but also telling her suicide wasn't the answer. I was completely honest and possibly a little harsh with her and some of it was hard to read, but I was desperate. Being kind and gentle wasn't working so I figured being brutally honest couldn't hurt. I know she's read the letter, but we've never spoken about it. But it was the last time she's mentioned wanting to die. And shortly after that she turned a corner.

Now Kimberley has been home for three months and we are beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. She's not completely cured, not yet anyway. She still has bulimia, she still has a whole heap of physical issues which are going to take years to heal, and she is still dealing with her trauma, as she is going to for a long time to come. As of writing this we have just come through a low period with lots of crying and conversations about horrible topics, but it's different now. She knows that there is hope and she knows that there is love all around her, even on the days when her brain betrays her and makes everything seem dark again. I don't know that the worst of it is over yet, but as long as we keep reaching out to her when things get difficult, I know we'll get through this, just as we have done before.

And that is why I say it is so important to reach out to the people around you. I hear too many times the stories of families of suicide victims who say they wish they'd had a chance to help their loved ones, if only they'd known that something was wrong, if only they'd spoken up about how they were feeling. If you suspect that someone you know is not doing ok, then speak up. Let them know you see them, let them know you care about them, and let them know that help is available.

If you or someone you know are struggling with thoughts of suicide or depression, please know that there is help available for you, There are thousands of resources at your fingertips on your computer, tablet, phone or refrigerator that you are reading this on right now. Don't give up, because if my mutant of a baby sister can survive going to hell and back, then so can you.

After the miscarriage - one month on

I'm back again people, I thought I'd discuss where I've been since my miscarriage, it's not something I've spoken about much since my original post which you can find here if you want to know what the hell I'm talking about.  I can't promise I'm not going to swear today. In real life I swear enough to make a wharfie blush. I try my hardest to keep my language PG around here just because I'm really not sure who is reading this stuff, but I'm giving myself permission today to break my own rules, so if you're easily offended by bad language, now is a good time to click away from here.

The thing that has surprised me the most about the past month is just how bloody long it is taking for me to get over everything. I honestly thought I'd be moving on by now, and that all of this would be a distant memory, but it still hasn't happened yet and I'm starting to really get pissed off at exactly how human I am right now. That anger and frustration is starting to spill out of me now, and I find myself exploding over things that never used to upset me. Little quirks I had before I lost the baby are starting to get bigger too. I've always hated crowds, but these days anything more than three people in a room is a crowd. It makes it hard to have people visit, because while I love all of my family (they really are the only ones who visit me anyway) twenty minutes into coffee and chatting I'm ready to hide in my bedroom until they disappear. I've contemplated playing dead a few times until it becomes so awkward they just leave, but I really don't need to give people more reasons to want to lock me in the loony bin right about now.

My way of coping with my feelings has been to pile item after item onto my to do list, until I am now drowning in stuff that has to get done. I've taken on a business partnership to go with the diploma of management I'm studying, and I've also determined that now is the perfect time to learn how to do calligraphy, how to market a business, how to draw, and how to train a dog. I've scheduled all kinds of work for this blog as well, but I'm now at the point where I'm so overwhelmed nothing gets done. I sit here staring at my computer screen and worrying that I will never get through everything I've put on myself that it has almost become a self prophecy of failure. My family keep telling me to take some time off and just relax but it feels almost physically impossible for me to do that right now. I think I'm terrified if I have nothing to think about I'll start thinking about the baby and I just can't keep dwelling on that right now. I'm sick and tired of being sad, but there are days where it seems that's all I know how to be.

I think the thing that is making it hardest right now is that my body is now totally back to normal. (That's code for I got my period for anyone who can't understand subtext) and while I knew this day was coming, it still came as a shock to the system when it actually arrived. The doctors words came flooding back to me where he told me my cycle would start up again and then I could theoretically try to have another baby straight away if that was what I desired. I sat there hating my body for being so eager to get back to normal when my brain still can't wrap itself around what's going on right now. To be perfectly honest I do not desire to try again right now, and I'd love it if my ovaries and uterus could be sympathetic to this fact and give me a little extra time before getting back into the swing of things. I'm still not entirely convinced sewing my legs shut is a bad idea right now, and I'm half way through a bet with the baby's father who believed I'd be ready to "get back on the horse" two months after the miscarriage. I very kindly told him I'd put money on the fact that we will never ride that horse together again, and in fact I may never ride another horse at all. (I need to work on my metaphors I think, this one is getting creepy.) I then took great relish in deleting him from my life (my phone) and I now feel safe in the knowledge that he can never contact me ever again to discuss horses or anything else for that matter. Removing him was a huge step for me, and something I've not been able to do in the past, so that was a cathartic step to say the least.

I'm still not entirely ready to even discuss the fact that I've had a miscarriage with people who don't already know, although I did try to force this by discussing it with a substitute teacher at Miss K's kindergarten (she asked how many kids I have, I didn't just walk up to her and say hey, my baby died, just FYI), but her response was disappointing to say the least. She trotted out the old "well at least you still have your oldest daughter, you must be grateful for her even if you never have another child" line, as if Miss K was a consolation prize. I could have gotten angry at her poor choice of words at the time, but for all I know that could have been her mantra once upon a time, so I chose to let it slide and walk away quietly. And that's the thing. You never know what anyone is going to say if you tell them. I know a woman who was told she deserved to lose her baby, which is a huge fear of mine, so it's easier just keeping silent and not letting anyone know this is why I have permanent resting bitch face right now.

I can feel myself slipping, and yesterday was the first day I was able to admit out loud that I am not coping right now. This is about the point where I would normally go straight to the doctors office and get them to put me back on drugs, but I don't want to do that this time. I want to get through this on my own, without relying on chemicals to prop me up. I know exactly what I need to do, but theory and practise are always two completely different things. First I need to stop beating myself up for being slow on the uptake. I have forgotten the effort it takes to complete simple tasks when you're battling grief and depression, so instead of celebrating the fact that I was able to do the dishes for the first time in two months last week instead I berated myself for being too exhausted to do any other housework for the rest of the day. Instead of feeling proud of myself for hand writing an ad for the business I criticised my work and then hated myself for being inept at using photo editing software. That's the weird thing about grieving. Instead of saying I'm sad and angry because my baby died, I say I'm sad and angry because I suck at life and I can't do anything right. It's easier to focus on the tiny little details I mess up instead of looking at the huge and very sad bigger picture.

The next thing I need to do is take some time off for myself. So yesterday Miss K and I went to Maccas and ate junk food instead of going shopping for healthy food, and by the time this post goes live, we will be skipping school and kindergarten and on our way to the Melbourne Museum to look at the dinosaurs. Then we're going to eat pancakes at one of my favourite restaurants in the city just because it's been years since I've been there. It's also been years since I've wagged from school or work just for the hell of it, so I'm hoping this wild rule breaking spree is enough to lift me up even just a little bit right now.

I'm also closing my contact me page here on the blog for a little while, and giving myself permission to only post what I want for a few weeks. It may mean that there are longer breaks where I'm not here at all, but I promise I'll still be here at least once a month for the Fly on the Wall, so you'll still get to see all the crazy stuff we get up to when I'm not here. I'm hoping that by loosening the reins on my own life a little I might actually be able to start enjoying it again. I still desperately want to find the joy in every single day, but it's harder to do that when I'm tied to a to do list that never ends.

Well that's it from my little part of the world, coincidentally if you see any news articles about a dinosaur exhibit being totally destroyed at the museum this week, please know that I had absolutely nothing to do with it, it was all the five year old's fault.

How to survive the post-holiday slump

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Hello to all my wonderful readers, you may have noticed I fell off the radar again this month. Once I finally got over all of my various illnesses, (except for the conjunctivitis Miss K so kindly shared with me two weeks ago) I discovered the silly season was well and truly upon us, and I needed to get my ample bottom into gear to get ready for the celebrations. I'm sure you'll all appreciate how crazy things get around this time of year, so even if I did attempt to write anything, it would have come out as a crazed stream of consciousness, complete with rambles about tinsel and presents for a family of 15. But now with the endless stream of parties and gift giving ceremonies almost behind us for another year, I sit here eating what's left of the plum pudding in an empty room, wondering to myself now what?

We hosted Christmas at my house this year, and in a stroke of what I can only call pure insanity, mum decided the party needed to be beach themed this year. So I spent a crazed week crawling through Pinterest trying to find beach themed decor I could do on a budget of free hugs and my most charming smile, and managed to cobble together a beach themed party that even a mermaid couldn't fault. Then our annual Boxing Day party got moved from my big sister's house to our house at the last minute due to inclement weather, and the fact that we have a larger living space to accommodate all of the slightly larger bodies thanks to the feast we put out the day before, so we ended up having two parties in two days at our house. On top of that I spent three hours building a kitchen for Miss K at 9pm Christmas Eve, went shopping every single day for a week for more Christmas essentials, and also cleaned the house so that we weren't shamed by the fact that for 364 days of the year we live like someone from an episode of Hoarders, Buried Alive. So sitting here now, with nothing to do is kind of hard to do. Add to that the fact that Miss K has now gone to Melbourne for a week to have Christmas with her father and his family, and I am as lost as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. So I have decided to share with you some of the techniques I have learned over the years to get over the post-holiday blues that always hit at this time of year, to help you guys achieve the balanced calm I so clearly show on a daily basis.

Me on a good day

Go shopping

Now that gift giving season is over, you really have no reason to go shopping, but that is exactly why you should get out now, more than ever. Beside getting to take advantage of the opportunity to return any practical gifts that well meaning long distance relatives bought you at the last minute so they didn't show up at your house empty handed, you can witness human beings at their absolute worst, thus making you appreciate your empty house and it's lack of festive feelings all the more. The long line of customers all coming to complain about the over priced child's toy that broke five minutes after being removed from it's packaging only makes you love your own family all the more, because they aren't that obnoxious man at the front of the line loudly proclaiming that this is the last time he shops at this particular store. 

Clean up your house

You've just spent the last month complaining that if you stepped on another bauble the whole tree was going into the bin, so now is the time to make good on your promise. Pull down the tinsel, drag every strand of angel hair out of your carpet, and throw all of it in the bin (or into storage if you can't stand the thought of having to replace it all again in ten months time). The sight of you going into a cleaning craze will send your children running outside just in case you get the bright idea to give them any jobs to do of their own, so now is the perfect time to "lose" any of the irritating noise makers or cheap plastic toys they were given by the same well meaning relatives who thought a life time supply of micro fibre cloths was the perfect gift for you at the same time. This is also a good time to search for any stashes of chocolates the kids have hiding in their rooms, and add them to your own stash of chocolate hidden in your bedroom. You need the sugar more than they do, as you're the one who spends your life chasing after them trying to get them to act like civilized human beings. 

Put on some tunes and dance alone in your living room

Just because the party season is over, doesn't mean you need to pack away your best moves for another year. The lack of audience apart from your children is irrelevant, as you can always embarrass them, no matter the time of year, so get your boogie on and keep the party going as long as you want it to. If you didn't get to do the Nutbush this year because you got vetoed at the last second by someone wanting to do the Whip Nae Nae (whatever the hell that is) then put that song on repeat and Nutbush until you can't move any more. You deserve it after all the hard work you've put into these holidays.

Eat all the party food in the house

If you were too busy to eat during Christmas because you were hosting the party, now is the time to get yourself a big plate of whatever is left over and eat it in front of every one. Diets are for the first day of January anyway. I personally like to buy two plum puddings, simply because I am a horrible pig who doesn't like to share my food, so I always have enough pudding to last me several weeks once all the parties are done with. I don't need to buy any breakfast or lunch foods for ages now because I spent an extra $4 a week ago. That's not only smart, it's economical. 

Start getting ready for the next big celebration now

If you've been bitten by the party bug but Valentines Day is too far away from you, get on Google now and find another holiday closer to today you can prepare for. For Australians, Australia Day is always a good one, as it falls on 26th January, meaning there is plenty of time still left to start preparing our barbeques and best Australian Flag decorated party supplies for the big day. For something even closer again, check out Earth Calendar which tells you exactly what you can celebrate every single day of the year. For example today is St Stephens day in Bulgaria. So if that is enough reason for you to party, get out your best duds and celebrate St Stephen as only you can. 

Sleep

If all else fails, get into your pyjamas and go back to bed. 

Well that should be enough to get you through the next few days, so if you'll excuse me, it is currently the Stanley Sports Day in the Falkland Islands so I'm off to hit a tennis ball against a wall to honor this special day. 

R U OK?

Hello my lovely readers, today I am taking a break from all the parenty goodness that makes up my crazy world to bring you an important message. Today here in Australia it is R U OK day. Today is the day to bring awareness to suicide prevention, and this is a cause that means the world to me.

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In Australia every single year there are approximately 65,000 suicide attempts. 2,320 of those attempts are successful every single year. That is too many lives lost from something that is totally preventable. Suicide is one of those uncomfortable subjects we don't like to talk about, but talking about it is the only way to break down the stigma, and let people know they are not alone. The aim of R U OK day is to get the conversation started. It is as simple as asking people if they are OK. Let them know that they are heard, let them know they are not alone, and let them know that there is help out there for them.

Mental illness is still one of those subjects people don't like to talk about. I had a fight last week with my boss because she didn't believe me when I told her I have depression. It shocked her because I am able to get up every day and go to work, able to complete my tasks, and I don't look like a stereotypical depressed person. But that's the thing with mental illness. It is an invisible disease that can be easily hidden with a fake smile. You can't trust that just because someone looks "normal" on the outside that they aren't struggling on the inside.

I have lost a cousin and a brother to suicide, the 14th anniversary for my cousin's death was just last month. I watched her family's anguish when they lost her, and it changed them all forever. When my brother died 9 years ago, I thought my dad would die with him, his heart was so broken. My sister and her family are still dealing with the loss of her husbands baby brother two years after the fact. His son will never know his father because he died before his son was even born. My baby sister has lost too many friends to count to suicide over the years, and many of these happened before she was even in her twenties. Suicide affects the living just as much as the deceased, as they are left behind, wondering what they could have done to help the victim, wondering why they didn't see the warning signs, and wondering how they are going to go on without their brother or sister, without their friend, without their spouse or their parent. The anguish the victim felt is now transferred to the people they loved, and they carry it with them for the rest of their lives.

So to get the conversation going, check out R U OK today. and ask the people you love if they are OK. Remember if you are struggling with feelings of depression, there are people around to help you. For Australians, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you are in America contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1800 273 8225. For all other countries check out this Wikipedia list for suicide prevention contact numbers around the globe. And remember that you are not alone. You are all loved, and you are all worthwhile to somebody. If you have any thoughts on suicide prevention or mental health issues, I'd love to hear from you too, I think you're all awesome, so leave a comment below.

Spotlight on Mental Health - Jamie's Story

Hello everyone and welcome again to another episode of Spotlight on Mental Health. 

Today's special guest is Jamie from Being Positive with a Depressive Soul. Her blog is an amazing insight into the life of someone currently suffering from depression, and even when she is having the worst day in the world, it is all shared with her audience so you can see what it takes to get through depression.

I am a 42 year old mother of a teenage girl, anxious with life, wild at heart, blogger and an Administrative Assistant, who loves finding freebies and deals.  I also happen to suffer from major depressive disorder and choose to blog about my journey staying positive with major depressive disorder.  My daughter also suffers from depression.  I am me and this is my brief story.

I remember, I believe I was around 12 years old, feeling so alone, lonely, and sad.  I was a very shy child, got my feelings hurt easily, and cried a lot.  I always cared way too much and was very sensitive, I still am.  As I got into my teen years, thanks to being introduced to alcohol, I was able to get over some of my shyness.  Now, mind you, alcohol and I have not had the best relationship but that is a story for another time.  I was young, naïve, had no self-confidence, and absolutely no experience with boys; Yet I fell in love for the first time.  We had a short six month romance and then he broke my heart and at age 19 I had a nervous breakdown and I was diagnosed with depression.  Little did I know that this would the beginning of a life long illness.  

I have struggled with alcohol and drugs but didn't let them consume my soul.  Anyone who has a mental illness and takes medications knows that they shouldn't drink.  Well, I, many times, challenged that and lost each time.  I have been in a toxic relationship with my daughter’s father now, on and off for 17 years.  We currently live together but are not romantically involved.  One change I wanted to make this year was to be able to move out on my own but due to financial difficulties that didn’t happen.  There is always next year!

I used to be very pessimistic about things in life; a bad attitude to say the least.  I have had never actually tried to commit suicide but I have wished many, many times I was dead  Turning 40 turned out to be a pleasant experience.  For the first time in my life, I made my mind up that I would not be depressed about turning 40; age is nothing but a number.  Every milestone 25, 30, 35, would roll around and I would be so negative and dwell on all the things that I didn’t accomplish.  There is something to say about getting older and gaining maturity.  I decided to take my life into my own hands.  I decided to take responsibility for myself and stop blaming others for my mistakes, my past, and my own happiness. 

Blogging has been the best decision for me that I could ever make.  I feel that I am finally free to be me and no longer have to hide who I am.  I am a kind, loving, fun individual who deserves the best in life.  So what if I suffer from major depressive disorder and will need medication for the rest of my life, there is more to me than that.  I do feel lonely and sad a lot but I will take each day as it comes and I am hopeful of the future and believe that the best is yet to come.  One positive step at a time!

So firstly I would like to thank Jamie for sharing her story with us. As her blog shows, her struggle is still a daily one, and sometimes while you're still in the middle of something it can be hard to write about. Luckily for all of us Jamie is always happy to talk about her past and her struggles. If you would like to show Jamie some of the love I know you awesome readers are capable of, please feel free to visit her website, or leave a comment below. 

Well that's all for today, sadly I don't have a new story lined up for next week at this stage, so we may have to take a brief break from this series while I madly try to rustle up some more people willing to tell their stories here. If any of you my wonderful readers have a story and wouldn't mind sharing it here, please get in contact with me, I would love to feature you.

Until next time, stay awesome.

Spotlight on Mental Health - Ben's Story

Hello again and welcome to another episode of Spotlight on Mental Health. I have had some wonderful feedback on the series to date, and it has been touching to have so many people come forward and tell me that they have loved hearing the stories of other sufferers to match their own. So without further ado, I bring on the banner.

So today my guest is the vivacious and frantic Ben of Ben's Bouncing Brain. He is the amateur theater extraordinaire of Melbourne who happens to also be my baby brother. 

Okay, SO I'm Ben and I am a 23 year old theater tragic! That really does sum me up in a "Nut shell" (Pun intended) Musical Theater has been the main focus of my life for the better part of 16 years and I would not have it any other way.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 16 years old. At this time I was not put on any medication as my doctor felt that I was still a bit too young and he wanted to try "self-management" techniques before pumping my body with unnecessary and dangerous drugs. This was a really rough time as the reason I went to the doctor in the first place was my mother told me that she was scared that I would physically hurt her or my two younger sisters in one of my "episodes". This was possibly the hardest things to hear BUT also the best as it was definitely a wake up call. So in the two years following my diagnosis I had many ups and downs and struggled with my mood swings and emotional roller coaster. Once 18 I went back to my doctor and we immediately developed a mental health plan. This took a few months to perfect and we tried many different medications (Antidepressants, mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics). Eventually my doctor prescribed Lithium. This seemed to be the answer and I was "Stable" for a while. Slowly after a few months I was slipping again and went back to my Dr. He upped the dosage and this again fixed the issue. This process continued over months and at one point I was taking 16 lithium tablets (8 twice a day) and 4 antidepressants (2 twice a day). While this was working for me and I was "Stable" I did NOT like the fact that I was on such a high dosage, I also did not like the constant blood tests that came with it. SO I went to the Dr once again and we made a "Mental Health Plan" that was medication free, this involved medication, therapy sessions (which I only attended maybe three times). This worked out well for me for quite some time, sadly it soon came to an end and I found myself not coping. BACK to the DR and BACK on the medication. This was fine and I wasn't happy about it but being on the medication and being able to cope with everything is better than crashing in a heap. When re-commencing the medication though I had a "blond moment" and resumed my 8 tablets twice a day... Those of you playing at home this is NOT what you are meant to do. You need to slowly increase the dosage and monitor the Lithium Serum levels in the blood. So by starting back on such a high dose was not appreciated by my body and I OD'ed. Lucky I didn't have any major problems... I passed out at one point, called my mother and then Doctor on call and I was reassured that I would be fine and to see my Dr when I can and explain what happened and get checked out, stupid mistake but one I will NEVER make again. So in that time to now I have been on and off the medication a few times... Currently I am back on them and this time (sadly) it is for good... I have tried managing without them and I am okay for a few months but it is never a long term thing so it is better for my body if I just stick with it rather than keep going on and off.

The hardest thing about suffering with a mental illness is the social stigma attached... While I am not ashamed that I have a mental illness, it really isn't something I can control unfortunately, and it is still something that is shied away from in general society and I feel this is really due to ignorance... The famous saying "People fear what they don't understand" is SO TRUE! I have so many friends that once they find out that I have a mental illness they are so fascinated and ask SO many questions... ALL of which I am more than happy to answer. But yeah... like I said I am not ashamed to admit I have a mental illness but on the same hand, when I am in the midst of an "episode" be it mania or depression it does affect my day to day life so I need to explain to my boss or co-workers or whomever that I am unable to cope with the stress at the moment and why this is so... THAT is when I feel my worst because I feel like I am being a drama queen and I am hiding behind it. When I am lucid/rational/"normal" I know this is silly and is part of the illness but obviously when I am lucid/rational/"normal" I don't NEED to explain to people that I can't cope... Vicious circle.

When it comes to controlling my emotions or recognizing that I am in the middle of an "episode" (again manic or depressive) the one guarantee to bring me out of it is Musical Theater  I am aware of how silly this sounds but it really is my life force. Put on a Broadway Cast Recording and you have me in a good mood. Now I know this is my personal "fix it" and honestly it doesn't always work but there really isn't any set way to deal or cope with it. Everyone is different and no two people will react the same way to the same triggers. The best way to help is to be able to recognize your triggers. You HAVE to get to know yourself so well that you can feel when you are beginning to slip and pull yourself aside and clam yourself down. Meditation really helps.

Something everyone needs to know about Bipolar and any mental illness really... EVERY ONE IS DIFFERENT, really the best thing you can do is research and get to know the general outline of the illness so you are aware of the general signs and what not.... BUT the rest you need to talk to your friend/family/sufferer and ask them about their personal situation... By that I mean what sets them off, what calms them down, how they manage/cope with things. The number ONE rule I find though is NEVER ASSUME, you can do a lot of damage by assuming or making generalizations about people with mental illness.
Thanks for reading guys and please if you have any questions for me I would be more than happy to answer them.

So a huge thank you to Ben for sharing this story with us. As Natalie said last week in her story, Ben seems to be the person in our family who suffers the most from his mental illness. He is also the only one in my immediate family with Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. The rest of us seem to have been lucky to have been diagnosed with simple depression compared with Ben, and I shall remember that and the fact that I don't have to take 20 pills a day the next time I'm having a hard time. To actually know Ben is to know a concentrated ball of energy in human form. I have never seen anyone who has as hard a time sitting still as Ben does, and it can be quite exhausting spending a lot of time with him. Luckily he has the most wicked sense of humor, so it can also be quite fun to watch him bounce off the walls while telling filthy jokes.

Well that's all for this week, next week's special guest is a wonderful lady with a very interesting story to tell, so please join us next week to read Jamie from Being Positive with a Depressive Soul's story. And once again I will put a call out to all of you, if any of you have a story to tell on your time dealing with mental illness, please contact me as I would love to share it with the rest of my readers.

Spotlight on Mental Health - Nat's story

Hi guys, welcome to another in our series of spotlight on mental health. I hope you guys are enjoying these stories as much as I am. For any of our new readers, if you want to read the first two posts, you can do so here and here. Otherwise, it's on with the show.

Now today's guest is a little bit different, because she doesn't suffer from depression. But that doesn't mean she isn't affected by it. Today my little sister Natalie has offered to come along and share with us how it feels watching the people you love go through mental illness.

Hey there blogosphere and loyal readers of Erin’s. My name is Natalie, I’m 22 years old and I am Erin’s second youngest sister. Let me tell you a bit about myself. When I was 4 my mum enrolled my younger sister, older brother and I into dancing – I instantly fell in love with dancing, singing and later acting. Dancing was a huge part of my life. For 14 years I competed in dancing, and only stopped because I turned 18 and my mother told me I had to pay for it myself, and let me tell you… dancing is frigging expensive. So now I take part in the occasional amateur theater  I work in childcare and love every minute of it. It’s such a rewarding job!

I’m here to talk about my experiences of being in a family where depression plays a big part.

Being the second youngest of a family of 6, with 4 out of the 6 officially diagnosed with depression, I've seen my family go through a bit. A lot of it I didn't fully understand, as being the second youngest, no matter how old I was, I was still treated as a kid in some cases, so it wasn't really something they would talk to me about. (I was 12 when Erin was diagnosed, so I guess I was still a kid). I knew about it, just didn't understand why they were acting the way they would. One thing I remember is when Erin was in her teens, she would spend a hell of a lot of time in her bedroom, my mum would tell me that that’s just what teenagers do, so I really didn't think much of it. Sometimes to be honest it would annoy me the amount of time she spent in her bedroom, don’t ask me why. It may have been because I felt like she didn't want to spend time with me or something. I don’t know. But of course looking back now, I fully understand.

There was something that happened when I was 12 that took me a while to forgive Erin for. It was the second week of term holidays and my sister and I had just finished a week of competing, and it was a routine of ours to go to Melbourne to enjoy our last week of freedom before school started back. It was one of my brothers, my younger sister and I with our mum visiting our oldest sister, doing the usual fun things we’d do. This time though, it wasn't like it usually was. Our trip was cut short when one night, someone got a phone call from our other brother (I can’t remember who took the call) but all of a sudden we were having to pack everything up and head back to our home town. No one was telling my brother, younger sister (who was 11) and I what was happening, so we were pretty upset that we had to go home early. We pulled into a petrol station and while our brother in law (I think) was paying for petrol, our mum decided that she would let us know that Erin was having a little party with some of her friends and had cut herself. I of course at first thought that she’d had an accident and it must have been pretty bad, but then mum said she had done it deliberately. And that’s when the anger set in. I didn't understand why Erin had deliberately cut herself and it wasn't until I was a little bit older that I sort of understood, but being someone who has never been in that frame of mind, I still don’t fully understand how someone can actually harm themselves. So I was angry at her for making us have to go home early when she had brought this on herself, harsh I know… but come on, I was 12.

There have been other times that Erin has made me angry, that wasn't the only time she had self-harmed.  Only a couple years ago, she had this a-hole of a boyfriend that treated her like dirt, and she seemed to be the only one that couldn't see it, no matter how many talks I had with her saying that she deserved better. At about 12am or even later, she came over to mum’s while we were all in bed, and I remember being woken up to her in tears. I walked out to see what was going on and she had an ice pack on her wrist. She had taken her lighter and burnt her arm in multiple spots because she was in a bad frame of mind and had finally realised it, but with her form of depression, there are times where she can’t think rationally, so on this occasion again she thought it best to harm herself for a bit of relief.

It was really hard to watch my sister go through this, and I know I said she made me angry when she would behave like this, but it’s only because I don’t understand. I love her more than words can say, and just want to see her happy, and recently I have. Having Miss K was probably the best thing for Erin. She still has days where the depression is overpowering her, but luckily for her she is part of an extremely loving and caring family who are obviously always going to be there for her. And also it’s really hard to be angry or upset with Miss K around, that girl has the cheekiest sense of humor  if she senses you’re angry or upset, she’ll do anything to make you laugh.

Now as I mentioned before, 4 out of the 6 kids have been diagnosed with depression, but there are 2 of those 4 who seem to suffer from it the worst. One is Erin and the other being the brother that’s closer in age to me. He’s name is Ben, and he is also going to contribute to Erin’s “Spotlight on mental health”. Ben has been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline multiple personality disorder. Now that doesn't mean that he goes around talking to himself, or has actual different personalities that join us for dinner sometimes… instead it means that he is a very impulsive person and finds it extremely hard to sit still. Let me paint a picture for you. Ben lives in Melbourne and is heavily into theatre and at the moment he is musical director for a production in Gippsland (roughly 2 hours away from where he lives), he is also musical director for at least 4 other shows in Melbourne… and that’s just for this year, and I know he’s already talking about other shows. So do you see what I mean by he finds it hard to sit still?

When Ben and I were kids we never got along, and I don’t mean just normal sibling rivalry… I literally mean we NEVER got along!! It was really hard as he is close in age with my younger sister and I, so we’d spend a lot of time playing together… but with Ben and I not getting along, it would all depend on if he was talking to our younger sister at the time as to whether I’d be allowed to join in… I’m not kidding. When he was about 14 he was voted off the island and went to live with our dad. This made things between us heaps better and we finally got along. Then in 2011 I thought it was be a good idea to move to Melbourne and move in with him. This was when I witnessed the full bipolar-ness. His moods are up and down like a yo-yo, which would make it difficult for me. When we fought it was an all out screaming war and would result in one or both of us storming off to our room. The problem was Ben would be over it in a matter of minutes while I’d still be fuming, so he’d come in and try to act like nothing happened and would just expect me to be fine with some of the things he'd said to me. Or there would be times where he’d be angry at me for more than a day and when I’d go and see if we could get things sorted he’d tell me that he didn't want to talk to me at that moment and it was best if I just left him alone (and then 5 minutes later he’d ask why I wasn't in there asking if he was ok). It’s quite an unpredictable roller coaster with Ben. When he’s angry there is no reasoning with him because that’s when his mind takes over and he finds it hard to control. He’s even admitted to being angry or upset for no reason whatsoever on more than one occasion.

I only lived with him for 9 months because I found it a bit hard to handle when he’d have his bad days, but since moving out, I've had Ben’s partner text messaging me with things that Ben may have said and done and has asked me for advice. Sometimes I have advice for him and other times the only advice I have is leave him alone and let him come to you. With Ben you never really know what you should or shouldn't be doing.

He’s struggling a bit at the moment, as the medication he takes for the bipolar is fairly strong and has possible side effects such as liver failure, so he doesn't like taking them but his doctor at the moment feels it’s the best for him. He goes off his medication frequently because he doesn't want the possible side effects to happen to him and it frightens him, but in doing so his bipolar gets worse. 

Ben, Nat and I in our younger and more carefree days.

First of all I have to say thank you to Nat for sharing her story with us today, it just goes to show that the sufferers of mental illness aren't the only ones who are affected, so it has been great to hear from the other side of the fence. There is actually a lot in this story that I didn't know before now, so even I am getting an education today. Natalie mentioned that Ben's story will be told soon too, and that is actually coming up next week, so stay tuned to hear from the craziest person in my family to date. 

Well that's it from me for another day, comments are always welcome below, and if you or anyone you know has a story you think my audience would benefit from hearing, please contact me via the contact me button at the top of my website, and I'm happy to include it in the series. 

Well until next time, stay awesome.

Spotlight on Mental Health - Becc's Story

Welcome back for our second episode in the Spotlight on Mental Health series. Today my guest is the lovely Becc from the website Take Charge Now.

Take Charge Now (http://www.takechargenow.com.au) is a personal blog written by Rebecca Thompson that follows her journey from sickness to sensational. It documents her path as she strives to take charge of her life, design a new lifestyle for her family and allows her to ponder life's little curve balls. If there is a positive to be found, she will be out there trying to locate it.

Becc's story is as follows;

Recollections of meeting the Black Dog

The Black Dog came to visit me some years ago. Thankfully after a hard struggle and the help of my Psychiatrist, Psychologist, GP and medication, I can say I have kept him at bay. The “other side” is a wonderful place to be, but the recollections of meeting the Black Dog never seem to fade.

The thing that sticks in my memory the most is the inability to function. My mind would not work, I could not remember anything, my muscles would tighten rigidly – there was no control. My days were filled with sleep, sleep and more sleep. On a good day that would mean 16 hours, on a bad day 20.

My brain was filled with fog, a sleepy haze. The only thing going on in that head of mine was make believe.....dreams maybe? How my husband stood by whilst I screamed, ranted and raved about things that never actually happened is truly amazing (we weren’t even married then!).

I was one of the lucky ones. Suicide has reared its ugly head in my extended family and it is a horrific experience for all. In my battle, I did not succumb to those thoughts. I believe the loss of my 3 brothers and the grief that I felt and watched my entire family go through ensured that I could never go to that extreme.

I was also fortunate in the fact that my Boss recognised the changes in me at work. He called it and I acted on it. I had the support of my now husband, family and friends. These people carried me through and even though I pushed them away, scared them to death with my texts and late night phone calls, they persisted.

Oddly enough, although it was my Boss who first realised what was going on, we did not tell my work colleagues at first. There were many before me that had broken down the stigma of depression within the workplace and yet, it was still not well understood, not well enough anyway.

I lost a part of myself back then. I recall a good friend describing me as having lost the twinkle in my eyes and thinking that’s a perfect description. I lost the vivacious, chatty and bubbly lady I once was, the extravert who could light up a room on entering. At least that is how my friends describe the changes.

Although I have come through to the other side, there is always an ongoing fear of falling into its clutches again. There is a residue that sticks to you, no matter how many years have passed. It also likes to keep giving....in my case there is still the ongoing battle with my anxieties (apparently depression and anxiety go hand in hand). There is also a real yearning for the person I used to be.

So what am I left with?

Luckily for me, my life!

I have changed in so many ways. However, I also continue to live a full and happy life full of gratitude and love. I have my own beautiful family and a life to be envied.

I am living proof that you can endure and overcome depression and then go on to have a wonderful, joyous and meaningful existence.

First of all, I have to say a big thank you to Becc for sharing her story with us. One thing I love about Becc is her refusal to let her depression beat her. There is always fear that you will relapse again, and it can be hard to stop that fear from taking over your life, but Becc is determined to have a good life, and that is a testament to her survivors spirit. I have also been touched by suicide in my extended family and I know how the pain can linger for years and years afterwards. For any of you who have enjoyed this story, please go to Becc's website and give her some of your special brand of love, and of course comments are welcome below as well.

Next week my guest isn't a blogger, and she doesn't actually have any mental illness, but she has lived the other side of this story, she has lived with a whole family full of crazy people. My little sister Nat has kindly offered to come along and tell us all what it feels like watching the people around you go through depression, so be sure to come along next Wednesday for a very interesting insight. 

And I am also looking for more contributors for this series, so if you are a survivor of mental illness, or you have lived through someone else's mental illness I would love to hear from you too, just click on the contact me button above and send me a message.

I'll be back again soon with more of my own brand of crazy, but feel free to entertain yourselves in the comments below until then. 

Spotlight on Mental health; My story

Hello again my wonderful audience, today I am going to be doing something a little bit different. As many of you know, I have depression. Now I know in this one I am not alone. A survey done by the Australian Bureau of Statistics back in 2007 showed that 45% of Australians suffered from some form of mental illness at some point in their life. That is a staggering 7.3 million people in Australia alone.

Now despite the fact that mental illness is so wide reaching, there is still too much shame and fear put into the words, so I am going to do my bit in demystifying mental illness by playing host to people who want to tell their side of the mental health story. To get things started, I thought it would be best if I told my story first, to get the spirit of sharing going. So welcome all to the first Spotlight on Mental Health.

So I was diagnosed with depression over ten  years ago now. It shouldn't have come as a shock to me considering I come from a family with a very long history of mental illness, but it still scared the hell out of me when the doctor confirmed my mum's suspicions. I had no idea that mum had been suspicious for months. Apparently it isn't normal to lock yourself in the bedroom for 18 hours a day and sleep for most of that. Who knew? 

But it wasn't the constant sleep and withdrawing from everyone that pushed mum over the edge, it was the fact that I started cutting my wrists that forced her to drag me to the doctors. At the time I didn't realise exactly much I had changed over the past six months until the doctor started asking questions. That's when I started thinking about how I had been spending my life since leaving school. I had decided not to go on to university or TAFE and had gotten a job, but I didn't do anything apart from work and sleep. I had no desire to spend time with friends, or participate in any of my normal hobbies, or do anything other than sleep. I didn't feel sad or angry or anything except numb. And when things got too stressful I cut myself just to feel something.

Now I figured that the doctor had to be wrong about me. I wasn't depressed, I was just tired. Depressed people go around crying and yelling and talking to themselves all day. I just needed fifteen hours of sleep a night. As for the cutting thing, I just needed a way to relieve stress, it was no indication that I was ill. But with him and my mum both agreeing that I needed to start taking medication I quietly agreed and started taking anti-depressants. It took about two weeks for the meds to start doing their thing, and slowly I started coming out of my bedroom and interacting with the world around me again. And that's when I had to face my family. 

What I hadn't realised at the time was that mental illness doesn't just affect the individual, it affects everyone in their life. I had a lot of angry, hurt and confused family members (some of them just children), and a lot of damaged relationships that I had to work very hard to repair. I think it took mum a long time to trust that I wasn't going to do anything stupid again, especially as for the next eight years, I kept doing stupid things. I hurt myself over and over again in various ways, I made terrible decisions about who I would date, or sleep with, or hang out with, and I kept trying to self destruct. Luckily for me my mum is an incredibly understanding and loving woman who could see that I needed help, and was always there for me. The same goes for the rest of my family. I truly believe I wouldn't be as OK as I am today if it wasn't for them.

And I am OK. I'm not completely cured, and I probably never will be. This is something that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life, but because it has been ten years now I finally have it to a point where it is controlled. I take my medications, I talk to my family, I remind myself that I am incredibly lucky to be where I am and I never take the good days for granted. And I write. This blog has been the cheapest therapy I have ever had, and you guys are the best counsellors too. 

So that's my story. It is far from over, I still have bad days where I can't even force myself to clean the house, but I am prepared for that now, and I know how to deal with it. But mine is just one of millions and millions of stories, so over the coming weeks, I am going to have some very special guests come along and share their stories with you as well. The first one is coming up next Wednesday and it will be from a lovely lady Becc, from Take Charge Now, so be on the lookout for that next week.

I'd like to finish by extending an open invitation to any of my readers out there who have a story to tell on mental illness, either as a patient, or as a family member of someone who has a mental illness, to get into touch with me, either through the contact me button at the top of this page, or through my Facebook or Twitter pages. The only way we can remove the negative is by speaking out.

National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence

So in case you can't tell from the title of this post, today is the National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence. I wish that I could say that given we are living in the 21st century with smart phones and cars that can reverse parallel park on their own, that bullying is a thing of the past. But sadly it is still as much a part of life as it was when I was in school. Of course bullying these days is somehow more sinister because the perpetrators can reach you anywhere thanks to the internet. Once upon a time your home was a safe haven far away from all the jerks you had to spend your day with, but these days they can follow you via websites like Facebook and Twitter and attack you in the privacy of your own lounge room.

I don't know if I have ever revealed this here, but throughout my school life I was picked on by bullies. It started in about grade 2 or 3, and continued until I graduated high school. That is ten years of being a victim. It did get easier once I was in year 10, I started standing up to the bullies, I even screamed in the face of one particularly nasty cow in the middle of class then stormed out of the room before the teacher could stop me. I also had the good fortune to finally find myself a good group of friends who whilst unable to stop me from being a target, did make it easier to cope with. But in those ten years I was called names, spat on, beaten up, had things thrown at me and made absolutely miserable by dozens and dozens of children. I can't even say for sure why they picked on me. It could have been because in their eyes I was just too different. I had a large family with not a lot of money, we were religious and kept to ourselves mostly, and I didn't join any after school clubs or sports except to take part in the school musicals, and that just seemed to add fuel to the fire. Of course I never let it stop me, I loved the theatre, and it was the perfect escape for me from all of them.

Well as you can tell, I survived the bullies, and the rest of school and am still here almost eleven years out from graduating stronger than ever. But I was one of the lucky ones. There are some people out there who give in to the bullies and don't make it out alive. So it is to prevent more victims that days like today are created. Of course there are any number of resources out there for anyone who is a victim of a bully, or a parent of a victim, or even the bullies and their families too. Facebook has a page on their website giving advice on what to do if you see anyone being harassed via Facebook here, Beyond Blue has any number of information sheets on their website for you to check out here not just about bullying but also about depression, eating disorders and everything in between. But for anyone who is here and needs advice right now, let me give you the piece of advice my mum always gave to me when things got too tough. One day you will be out of high school, and you will be living your life, and it is going to be an awesome life. And the little brats (I paraphrased there) who picked on you in high school will be out of your life, and completely unable to hurt you any more. So until then you just have to stick it out and know that it will not last forever.

And she was absolutely right.

Beating the blues

Hello again wonderful readers, here I am again to regale you with tales of my awesomely awesome life full of exciting happenings and much merriment like.....um.......nope I've got nothing. Today was actually a pretty blah day for me, full of malaise (I love that word) and generalised self pity. There was nothing I could actually put my finger on that was causing my bad mood, it just appeared out of the blue somewhere between putting my slippers on and finishing my first coffee of the day. And it hung around like an unwanted guest for the better part of the day. My mum was incredibly gentle on me the entire day, she never said a word when I didn't get out of my pyjamas until after dinner, and she even thanked me for cleaning the lounge room, even though it was all Miss K's toys that were causing the mess. Given I haven't had a mood this filthy for a long time, I think she was either prepared to make allowances for me, or she was just too worried about me to care about anything else.

Now everyone has bad days, and I am guilty of more than my fair share of them, but for me, bad days like this are never a good sign. I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned it in my previous posts, but I have suffered from depression since I was in my late teens. At the moment I am not receiving any real treatment for it, but that is because I have been coping successfully without treatment for about 12 months now. But as the threat of post natal depression is very real for me, I monitor my moods very carefully, as do several other members of my family. But for now, I seem to be ok as long as I have access to music, and as strange as it sounds, do some housework every now and again.

The housework is for several reasons. The first being that the messier my environment is, the harder I find it to cope with my life in general. I have never really been able to cope with clutter and my mum spent my childhood writing out lists for me to help me get through even the simplest of tasks like cleaning my room and doing the dishes. To this day, if I have to pack an overnight bag, I will write a list of everything I will need first to make sure I don't forget anything. (This isn't a unique thing I know, but anyone who has to write lists to get jobs done will understand what I have to deal with.) The other way housework works is actually pretty childish, and kind of embarrassing for me to admit, but we're all friends here so I don't mind sharing my dirty secrets with you my wonderful audience. You see doing housework when I feel like crap makes me feel like a martyr. I get this mindset that I must be such a wonderful and caring person seeing I am doing my chores even though I feel terrible, and I wear this hair shirt with such a grim sense of self satisfaction that by the time I've finished my work, I'm so proud of myself for overcoming such adversity I cheer up immensely. I know this is not my most attractive quality, but I've never said I was anything more than human.

But my best antidote to a good dose of the blues has got to be Miss K. It is a well known fact that babies are incredibly sensitive to the moods of the people around them, and Miss K is no exception. Her reaction to my bad moods can go one of two ways. If she herself is having a bad day, it seems to make her own moods much worse, and I am forced to forget about myself in order to make her OK. But if, like today she is having a good day, she spends a lot of time trying to make me laugh, or gives me extra cuddles and kisses to comfort me. And it works every single time. I can never stay sad for long when Miss K is taking care of me, and I love that I have such an empathetic and caring daughter. I know she is doing it for herself as much as she is doing it for me, because she hates to see me unhappy as it disturbs her entire world, but I don't see that as a bad thing at all. One day, she will probably end up the clown of the family just like her mother, and I know from personal experience that everybody loves a clown. 

Well as it has been a new day for a whole 24 minutes now, I am going to welcome this new day in the best way I know how, by going to bed. Enjoy your day wonderful readers, if you too are having a bad day, go listen to some awesome music or play tea parties with a child and watch how quickly your stress disappears.