December Fly on the Wall - The Month of Firsts and Lasts

It's time once again for Fly on the Wall. In this month's instalment 8 bloggers are all joining up to show you what things would look like if you were a fly on the wall at their place. Below is a list of all participating bloggers, be sure to visit them all to see all of the fun.

Baking In A Tornado 

Menopausal Mother                   

Spatulas on Parade  

Never Ever Give Up Hope             

Bookworm in the Kitchen               

The Blogging 911                        

Go Mama O                               

So normally my Fly on the Wall posts are full of crazy quotes and silly fun, but this month if you'll indulge me just a teeny tiny bit I'd like to do something a little bit different. There are still one or two quotes, but the rest of the post is sort of a photo slideshow. You see normally life around here is pretty boring and uneventful but this month was different. This month we actually had things to do, places to be and for once I actually remembered to document some of it. 

So to start December off Miss K had her very first ballet concert. 

We had a mad rush of dress rehearsals, stage rehearsals, make up practises, costume fittings and last minute panic. There were three performances in total over 3 days in front of audiences of at least 200 people at a time. Things were crazy to say the least.

To say I was a nervous wreck was an understatement. I watched my mum do this with two girls for over 15 years and she always made it look so easy. I sent the above text to Natalie on the second day of performances. It was the first time Miss K's father and I were going to watch her dance on stage, and I expected to be a blubbering mess. So there we all were sitting in the audience, ready for her to come on and the music to start. I grabbed her dad's knee for support and took a deep breath. Miss K came on stage and I was proudly holding all ugly crying back with the power of determination and the knowledge that I look like a raccoon if I cry with make up on. It was starting to look like I was going to be leaving the tissues in my handbag until I turned to look at Miss K's father and see him crying like a baby. So the tissues got put to good use after all, and I only teased him for several hours after the concert. 

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Me: This is why I don't wash my car. It's been pooped on twice already in the space of an hour and now it's covered in bug carcassesses. Carcasses, carcii? What is the plural of carcass? Oh whatever, in any case the little buggers are all over my car right now.

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Two weeks after the ballet concerts were done and dusted Miss K had her first ever piano concert to perform at. This was a lot smaller thankfully because I don't think I could have handled another massive production so soon after the first one, but Miss K again coped with everything beautifully considering she's never played the piano for an audience, plus she was the first performer of the whole concert so she couldn't even look to any of the other students to see how it was done.

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Miss K: Mum, high five. (pulls her hand away and dabs) DAB!

Me: Did you just dab on me? You are so out of the will right now young lady.

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A week after the piano concert Miss K had her first school concert, her class were dancing to a Justin Timberlake song and we spent weeks practising the moves at home together, so I was pretty confident that given the barrage of stage appearances she'd made by then plus all the practising meant we had this one in the bag.

Miss K's costume for the school concert

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Me: I felt so awful, the announcer came on the mic and said the first song was going to be a Vanilla Ice medley, and I accidentally said "Oh no" really loudly. 

Nat: Worst mum ever.

Me: I didn't mean it to come out. I even had to turn to Jason afterwards and ask if I'd said it out loud. It's not my fault though, they should have known that people there were going to hate Vanilla Ice. 

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Finally we had the last day of school for the year, which means that my little girl is no longer a preppy. She is now moving up to first grade and we have officially survived her first year of school. 

Miss K on her first day of school and on her last day of school for the year.  

I've been feeling a little nostalgic this past week and am already missing the good old days. Not least because I was helping in class every Friday for the majority of the year and her moving up means I no longer get to help out any more. It was a huge relief to get to see Miss K in class and know that she was actually coping perfectly with starting school and I will always be grateful to her teacher for indulging my panicking and letting me stick around for so long. I'm also very grateful she would pretend that I was helping out for Miss K's sake and not my own.

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Me: Miss K would you please hurry up and make your lunch. No, that's not making lunch that's recreating the opening scene from the Lion King with a plastic tub. 

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So that's it from me for the month. We are now in the count down to Christmas here and looking forward to the 5 weeks of summer holidays to go. I'd like to take a second to thank all of you for coming and visiting with me every month this year for our special brand of crazy. Don't forget to visit the rest of the bloggers participating and I will see you all next time.  

November Fly on the Wall

Hello again my lovelies, it is time for the second last Fly on the Wall for the year. For any newcomers to this series what happens is a group of bloggers all join forces to share with you all the crazy and funny things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in our houses this month.


This month 7 bloggers are participating. Be sure to visit them all and check out all of the fun.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                

The Blogging 911                       

Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie please? Me: No it's too close to dinner time. Miss K: Please? I want one. Me: Too bad. Please stop nagging me. Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie? Me: No. I said stop nagging me please. Miss K: I didn't nag because I didn't say please. We had a big thunderstorm come through the town yesterday. This is how my nephew Jakey responds to thunder. Jakey: What was that?
Sam: That was just thunder. Jakey: No, I think it's a bomb. I woke up one morning to Miss K making my bed while I was still in it. As it was still early I rolled over and went back to sleep until my alarm when off. When I finally decided to get up all hell broke loose. Miss K: Mum, you messed up the bed. I just made that. Me: Welcome to parenting sweetheart, where kids mess your shit up as you're cleaning. Pro tip though, next time don't make the bed while someone is still sleeping in it. I was helping in Miss K's class when one of her classmates dropped this gem on me Connor: I'm going to copy Lachy's work because he's smart. Me: Well I want to see you try to do this for yourself because I know for a fact there's a big brain in that head of yours. Connor: No, I don't have a brain anymore. You wanna know why?
Me: Ok this should be good, why don't you have a brain anymore?
Connor: Because someone said something so crazy it made my brain explode and now it's gone. Me: You're going to make my brain explode in a minute Connor.  So Kim was in hospital this month suffering from organ failure, which you wouldn't think is a laughing matter. Kim didn't seem to get the memo that hospitals are serious however as the following story from Natalie shows. Nat: When Kim was first admitted she was in and out of consciousness, and there was a heap of doctors around her at all times. One doctor in particular kept making suggestions for treatment options and he kept getting shut down. Obviously Kim was getting tired of it because at one stage she woke up looked at him and said "This is a house of learned doctors and you need to learn to listen."  Me: Seriously? Nat: Yeah. She had the doctors in stitches apparently. They told her about it the next morning and she refused to believe them at first. It wasn't until more people kept coming up to her and telling her the same story did she finally believe them. At one of their conferences they discussed a decision they'd made that had worked, and one of the doctors said it worked because they were learned doctors.  The epilogue to that story is that after several weeks of some very serious treatments Kim is finally better, her organs are working again and she was discharged yesterday to continue healing at home. 
Nat: So Dave and I had an argument the other day. Me: What was it this time?
Nat: He asked me to remind him to grab his drink bottles before we left to go home and I told him to set himself a reminder on his phone. Halfway home he remembers the drink bottles and he cracked it at me for not reminding him. I went off at him for not setting the reminder like I told him. I figured he realised at the time that was all I was going to do for him, I'm not his mother, and he's old enough to be doing this for himself now. Me: I feel sorry for your poor children when you finally have them. You're going to be a mean mum. Nat: What do you mean? Me: You're six years old now, you're old enough to figure out how to get yourself up and out the door for school now. Nat: Hey, blame the childcare industry. We're forced to foster independence in kids from a really young age. Well that's all from this corner of the world, don't forget to visit all the other blogs participating today and keep the fun going.

May Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for Fly on the Wall. The series that allows you a sneak peek of all the crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall at our house. 

Today 9 bloggers are participating in the fun. Be sure to visit them all to keep the fun going.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy 

Spatulas on Parade                    

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                   

Not That Sarah Michelle

 I have a friend Helen whose daughter went to kindergarten with Miss K last year, and they've come to the same school as us this year. One day I had Helen on the phone with me for an hour worried senseless about her daughter's refusal to complete her school work and her attitude in general, and all I could do was reassure her that what her daughter was going through was pretty normal for a 6-year-old, and she shouldn't be so hard on herself. Not even an hour after I got off the phone with her the school called me to let me know Miss K had decided that day was the perfect day to go on strike and she was refusing to do any of her work. I got the issue sorted out, but figured this was just what Helen needed to hear to make her feel better. So, come pick up time I marched through the school gates to Miss K's classroom, interrupted Helen's conversation with some of the other mums and proudly yelled out

"You want proof all 6 year olds are assholes? my daughter went on strike today."     

Needless to say, my yelling got the attention of all the other mums, so Helen had to explain why I was yelling about asshole kids, and then we all spent the next 10 minutes sharing war stories of all the attitude we get off our darling children. On the plus side, Helen felt much better by the time the kids were finished school for the day. 

Miss K and I were snuggling together in my polar fleece blanket.

Miss K: This blanket is made of polar bear fleas. 

Nat: Did you know Dave has never seen Robin Hood Men in Tights?
Me: Seriously? Was he raised in a cupboard under the stairs or something?
Nat: I think so.

This is what happens when you leave my sister Nat unsupervised for 3 days. Her answer to my question was 'bout 5'4"

Miss K has discovered that she can whistle much to my dismay.

Me: Miss K put your whistle in your pocket.

Miss K simulates pulling a whistle out of her mouth and then mashes her hand in my face.

Me: Did you just take my whistle out too?

Miss K: No, I put it in you.

Me: That's what he said.

Miss K: What?
Me: Never mind. Are you ready to go yet?

Sam was complaining to me about someone talking crap about her to her husband Jason.

Sam: Don't waste your time being nice to my face only to talk crap about me behind my face.

Eliza starts laughing uncontrollably 

Sam: What?
Eliza: No, nothing, I just think it would be a bit hard to squeeze in behind your face to start talking about you.

Sam: Oh, yeah, it's behind my back, isn't it?

Me: Yeah.

Miss K: You have to marry dad.

Me: Nah, I don't wanna do that, he smells.

Miss K: If you don't marry daddy, he'll never be my uncle.

Me: Um that's not how that works sweetheart.

Nat: How do you make orange? It's yellow and red, right?

Me: Do I need to make you watch Blue’s Clues again to learn your colours?

Nat: Did I tell you about the time I tried to make purple paint at work?

Me: No.

Nat: So, purple is made of blue and red right? Well for some reason I mixed green and red together.

Me: So, you made a lovely shade of poo brown then?

Nat: Yep. I just stared at it and was like wait a minute, you're not purple.

One day I was at Sam's place typing up a blog post while she had a nap on the couch. At one stage, she sits bolt upright in her chair

Sam: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?

I jump in fright and look over at her and she's staring into the kitchen. I look in the kitchen and see nothing.

Me: What the hell is what?

By the time the words have left my mouth she's lying back down again asleep and I had to spend the next ten minutes trying to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. I still have no idea what she saw because she doesn't remember it at all.

Me: I remember when you went through that phase where you wanted to name all your pets foreign words for animals. Like you have a fish and you name it fish.

Nat: Yeah, the problem with that was the only other word I knew for fish was from an Asian language and it was literally just five or six fs. So, I would have just gone around saying "This is my fish, ffffff."

Text from Ady. Just call me Amy Farafella. Also, my go to attack seems to be to accuse everyone of being high the minute they stop making any sense to me.

Mum: So, the youngest cleaner at school is dating one of the students, and she comes and helps him at work. Well she's been taking a lot of days off lately to take care of her mum, and she's been warned she needs to start attending more. Tonight, she's helping her boyfriend and she spots her co-ordinator talking to someone else and she ducks out of sight. Five minutes later her boyfriend comes walking down the path with a random bin he's not meant to have, and no girlfriend to be seen. He was sneaking her past the teacher in the bin. 

The following conversation is related to the computer game Minecraft

Nat: The other night my pigs decided to form a pig centipede.

Me: Ew, that's creepy.

Nat: Yeah it is, to say the least. Actually, to say the least would be to say "eh".

Me: And to think we used to have to pretend to laugh at your jokes when you were a kid.

Nat: Hey! Maybe it was a good thing that worked.

Me: Well that was the plan.

Nat: Dave thinks I'm funny.

Me: Dave grew up living under the stairs, of course he thinks you're funny.

Sam: There's one important thing we forgot to consider when buying our son a bunk bed.

Me: Oh yeah? What's that?
Sam: How long it takes to get off a bunk bed when you need to vomit.

Me: Oh dear. 

I'll spare you the gory details, but needless to say, my nephew didn't make it to the toilet in time.

Sam A: I used to be convinced that my life was like a reality show and I was the star.

Me: I used to think that too, but it made me really self-conscious when I needed to pick my nose. 

Miss K: Mum is my heart beating?
I put my head on her chest and check
Me: It sure is kiddo.

Miss K: So, I'm not dead then?
Me: No, I'm pretty sure you're still alive.

Miss K: Phew.

I help out in Miss K's class on Fridays. This is a conversation I had with one of the boys in the reading group I take each week.

Connor: Your name is Grumpy Old Man Zucchini.

Me: Oh yeah? Well your name is Disgruntled Pumpkin. 

Connor: You're completely bonkers.

Me: Yep.

Well that's all the crazy I can squeeze into one post for now, be sure to visit all the other bloggers as they've all got their own special brand of fun going on today too.

March Fly on the wall

It's that time of the month again (no, not that time, get your head out of the gutter) It's time for Fly on the Wall. Everyone's favourite series.


For any of you not familiar with this, every month a group of bloggers join up and share all of the crazy, weird, and funny things you would hear were you a fly on their wall. Today there are 9 bloggers participating, so be sure to visit them all just to get a full dose of crazy.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy            

Go Mama O                        

Spatulas on Parade                    

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen

When I Grow Up 

Mum: I think I have that thing in my foot, that plantar...
Me: Fasciitis?
Mum: Yeah. That's what stops me from being able to stand up. I get this pain in the ball of my foot.
Me: I thought you were going to say a pain in your balls then.
Mum: Well I am a lady you know, I don't like talking about those things.

A few weeks later...

Mum: What's that fasciitis thing I've got in my foot?
Me: Necrotising?
Mum: God I hope not.

I walked into the lounge one day to hear mum mumbling to herself.
Mum: I'm just talking to myself, discussing my issues.
Me: I know. To someone who cares.

Sam: Uranus is smaller than Earth isn't it?
Me: Well I certainly hope it is. (Dissolve into giggles like a child.) One of these days I'm going to grow up.
Sam: I'm not holding my breath. They've got a picture of Uranus here with rings around it.
Me: Yes I'm well aware of the rings around Uranus. (Further childish giggling). This is why I love owning my own business. If I worked for someone else I'd get in trouble for laughing about the rings around Uranus. I'm sure that would count as sexual harassment.

Me: Miss K, get that tea towel off your head and dry the dishes NOW!!!
Miss K: This is not my favourite idea.

I was complaining to mum one day after Miss K had been particularly whiny and defiant all day.
Mum: Now you know why they called my mum a martyr.
Me: I don't know how grandma did this with 7 kids.
Mum: Hey! I did it with 6 kids, and one of them was you.
Me: Yes, but I must have been a punishment for something mum, what did you do?
Mum: Where do I begin?

So someone tried to scam my little brother online, but luckily for him he was smart enough to check the scammer out and didn't end up losing anything. I was telling my little sister the story when this conversation happened.

Nat: It's getting harder and harder to scam people these days.
Me: Yep, everyone is too suspicious, except for old people, they're still confused by all this new fangled technology.
Nat: Yeah. That's why I think the parental lock needs to be something entirely different.
Me: You mean like please confirm you are under 16 years to continue?
Nat: Yeah. They could use questions about Justin Bieber to screen out the old people that would fall for any scams.

Nat: So I had my implanon removed today, but it was put in really deep, so they had to cut further in than they normally do. But once they'd removed it, they just stuck the cut together with sticky tape.
Me: Bit of duct tape, she'll be right.
Nat: They covered the sticky tape with gauze and I've already bled through it.
Me: Why didn't they give you stitches?
Nat: I don't know. Maybe it was too small a cut for stitches.
Me: Well normally if it's too small for stitches they just stick some super glue in that sucker and send you home, but I guess in this case if it moves and it shouldn't, just fix it with duct tape.

It's been nearly 2 months since Miss K started school, and her favourite thing now is reading. Lucky for us as she has daily reading homework, so if she hated it we'd have a nightly fight on our hands.  Miss K and I were reading her school book one night when she came across the word animal.
Miss K: an...im...al. Aminal.
Me: Close enough.

One afternoon I had an appointment scheduled with Miss K's teacher to check her progress. Miss K had wandered off with some friends and couldn't find me when she returned to the classroom despite my yelling and waving my arms over my head at her for five full minutes.
Me: You finally found me. We're going to have to get your eyes tested kiddo, that took way longer than it should have.
Miss K then went to her teacher
Miss K: I'm testing my eyes. I couldn't find mum with them.
Needless to say the teacher was more than a little confused by this statement.

Nat and her partner Dave went on holidays to Queensland a few weeks ago. Shortly after they landed I got a text from her
Nat: Do you want to hear an embarrassing story about me?
Me: Always.
Nat: While we were leaving the plane I starte doing that excited dance with my fingers that Ben always does. Dave goes "what are you doing?" and I replied "when I'm excited my fingers just need to dance."
Me: You're an idiot. Thanks for the story though.
Nat: Dave looked like he wanted to run away from me. It just slipped out of my mouth like word vomit.
Me: If only he knew just how weird it gets.

Miss K's Nonna is coming down this weekend to visit. I got a call from Ady a few days ago to check some details as she's staying at our house while she's here.
Ady: Do you want mum to cook anything for you?
Me: Nothing springs to mind.
Ady: She said she'll cook her chicken soup lasagne if you want it.
Me: Oh my God yes please. Tell her I will love her forever if she makes me her soup lasagne
Ady: Why don't you love me forever? I've cooked for you?
Me: Oh please the only thing you ever cooked for me was fried dim sims and you set fire to my kitchen. Besides it's been years since your mum made me her soup lasagne. I'd marry her for that lasagne if I could.

And the biggest thing that happened this month was my baby girl turned 6! Her birthday was yesterday but because it was a weekday and she had school, we're having her party today so while you are reading this post, I will most probably be running around my kitchen like a headless chicken trying to get everything ready. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some panicking to do.

February Fly on the Wall

Welcome back to everyone's favourite series Fly on the Wall.



In this month's instalment, nine bloggers have joined together to share some of the funny and crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on their wall. Below is a list of all the bloggers joining in today, be sure to visit them all and enjoy all the stories.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy             

Spatulas on Parade                    

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                    

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                  

Cluttered Genius

Me: Why is there a wet towel on the floor next to my bed?
Miss K: I didn't crack an egg on the floor.
Me: Did you crack an egg on my bedroom floor?
Miss K: No.
Me: Why did you crack an egg on my floor?
Miss K: I was being a chicken

Miss K: I'm hungry.
Me: Good. There will be plenty of room in your stomach for the meat and vegetables we're having for dinner.
Miss K: I don't want that.
Me: Too bad. This isn't a democracy. Welcome to my dictatorship. You may call me fuhrer.
Miss K: I want a jam sandwich.

Mum has requested we buy her an ancestry DNA test for her 60th birthday next year, and this is the conversation we had where she explained why she wants one.
Mum; We could be vikings!
Nat: You're desperate to be a viking.
Me: I heard we could be bikies, and I was like you don't need a DNA test to become a bikie.

Nat: Have you ever said or heard someone say I'm not here to screw spiders?
Me: No, I can't say I have.
Nat; Apparently it's an Australian saying, but I've never heard it before. It's kind of the Australian version of no shit Sherlock or something.
Me: Well I always figured it was implied that I wasn't intending to screw spiders, and that I didn't need to actually express my intentions when it came to spiders.
Nat: I've seriously never heard any of my friends or anyone else say it before.
Me: Well that could be because your friends are interested in screwing spiders, did you ever think of that?

Nat: Did I ever tell you about the time Ben broke the escalator at Doncaster?
Me: Yes.
Mum: No.
Nat: We went out to a movie and went to Doncaster shopping centre for dinner afterwards. Ben was being smart and raced ahead of us to reach the escalator first, and when he got there he jumped onto the escalator and it stopped dead. The rest of us were on the floor in tears, we couldn't move.
Mum: He's just adventurous.

And now another episode of trying to have a conversation with Sam while she sleeps.

Sam fell asleep while trying to read a birthday invitation her son received. I decided to mess with her and walk up to her and randomly say "and mushrooms" She woke up shortly after.
Sam: What does this invite say?
Me: I don't know, I can't read it from here. Were you dreaming that you were reading it?
Sam: Yeah, It had something about baby chicks, and mushrooms.
Me: Yeah that last bit was me, I just wanted to mess with you.
Sam; You're a bitch.

Sam: Dad was making me drink platypus milk.
Me: What?
Sam: Dad was trying to make me drink platypus milk.
Me: He's such a dick. How did it taste?
Sam: I don't know. I woke up before I got to drink it.

Mum babysits my nephew Jacob every Wednesday so that Josh and Sam can work. I came home early one day while he was still there and he and mum came out to the gate to meet me.
Mum: Who is that?
Jacob: Grandma!
Mum: No, I'm grandma, that's Erin.
Jacob: Erin.
Mum: Can you say hi Erin?
Jacob: Hi grandma!
We then went inside where he donned a pretty sparkly tiara, then grabbed a toy saw to try to cut open our refrigerator with. And this is why mum loves babysitting Jacob.

Mum's computer kept breaking this month, and I was  complaining to Nat about it.
Me: It's probably another virus. I keep telling her not to do those bloody online quizzes but she keeps going back to them. The next time it breaks I'm just going to buy her an Etch-a-Sketch instead.
Nat: That should work.
Me: Although knowing my luck she'd get a virus on that too, then I'd need to buy Norton's anti-virus for Etch-a-Sketch.

My big sister Mandy turned 40 last weekend. Dad went up for the trip, and with the gift he gave a card from him, my sisters Nat and Kim, and Nat's partner Dave. Except because he'd forgotten about Dave's name until Kim reminded him Dave's name was at the very end next to Kim's.
Kim; It's funny because it looks like Dave's here with me.
Dad: No, I was just doing the names in gynaecological order.
Nat: Do you mean chronological order?

Nat: Did I tell you how the orthopedic shoes mum gave me went?
Me: No.
Nat: So I decided to try them out on a walk with Dave. But they were too tight on my toes, so my toes went numb, and then I started getting blisters on my heels, which then burst, so I was in so much pain I started walking like a penguin that had shit itself. In the end I took them off and walked home barefoot.
Me: Oh well just send the shoes to the op-shop.
Nat: Yeah I'm going to. I wanted to leave them on a bench but Dave wouldn't let me
Me: He doesn't think homeless people would appreciate orthopedic shoes?
Nat: Apparently not. Maybe he just doesn't want them to walk around looking like a penguin
Me: That shit itself.
Nat: Exactly.

And the biggest thing you would have seen had you been a fly on the wall at my place this month was my baby girl attending her very first day of school.

This day came way too fast for my liking, but Miss K is loving school so much, and has absolutely no problem leaving me to entertain myself for hours at a time. She's even gotten to the point where she wants to walk to the classroom by herself. I don't know whether to be proud or insulted.