Saturday, 9 March 2013

Things I never thought parenting would teach me

I'm back again. I know I didn't write anything for you guys yesterday, but I had the opportunity to go visit an old friend last night for a quiet evening watching Misery, and I had to take it. I figure since I'm a mum now and I can't get into sex drugs and rock and roll anymore, I might as well get Kathy Bates and James Caan going at each other with sledge hammers and door stops.

So after a quick look at the calendar this morning, I realised it is only 15 days until Miss K's 2nd birthday. I can't believe I've almost been doing this for 2 years now. Before I became a parent, my longest stint in a job was 18 months, and then it was a case or quit or get fired. Luckily my current boss can't fire me, or I would have been gone a long time ago.

Now as any parent will tell you, the years fly by before you get a chance to sit down and think about it. But I would like to take a moment to share with you just some of the things that I have learnt over the past 2 years that I never realised would be a part of my education as a mum. As logic dictates, I will start with number 1.

  1. If you believe Playschool, archaeologists wear ice cream buckets as safety helmets 
  2. If you fall asleep to a children's show, it will invade your dreams in the most messed up and un-G-rated ways possible.
  3. Nothing is more entertaining than putting a CD on and letting your kid go nuts
  4. No matter how many toys they have piled up in the corner, they will always go for the one thing in the room you don't want them to touch
  5. You may think your floor is spotless, your child knows otherwise and will find absolutely every tiny piece of rubbish you have missed
  6. No matter how prepared you are for leaving the house with your child, your child will always manage to do something you weren't ready for.
  7. Nothing makes you turn into your own mother faster than having a child
  8. The simplest things in life can really be the most pleasurable
  9. Having a child gives you license to be a child yourself. Even if only for a little while
  10. Childrens shows can be very entertaining. Especially if you have a filthy mind capable of twisting the most innocent sentence into something disgusting.
  11. There is no problem that can't be fixed with a cuddle. Or a Wiggles brand band-aid 
  12. No matter what the "experts" say, chocolate is an acceptable bribe, which will work every time
  13. Your house suddenly becomes a terrifying death trap once you put a child in it. Even if you baby-proofed it before she was born
  14. Being a parent means that you are amazing in someone's eyes. Make the most of it before they realise how big an idiot you really are
  15. The minute you bring that little person home, all the rules fly out the window and you become the blind leading the blind
  16. There is no such thing as ready to be a parent
  17. Housework is never as important as playing with your child (at least that's my excuse)
  18. Pick your battles. Does it really matter that she's eating her macaroni and cheese with her fingers?
  19. But always set the rules early in the game. Something that looks cute the first few times can become destructive or dangerous (or very irritating) quickly.                 
And lastly

  20.  There is no better feeling than being the only person a child wants

Well these are just some of the things I've learnt since Miss K was born, and I know that my education is far from over, but I can't wait to see what else this little dirt monster has to teach me.

Well that's it for me, I'm off to do some grunt work in the back yard. I'll be back next time with more fun. Stay awesome peeps.
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