Insanity is hereditary

Ok so I wasn't going to blog just yet because it's only 9:30 in the morning, and really, who has anything to say this early? But today I've had a you've got to see it to believe it moment, so for the sake of posterity (and embarrassing my daughter in later years) I have to share this with you guys. For any of you lovely people following me on Twitter, (for anyone who isn't there is a follow me button to the right of your screen. Click it, NOW!!) you will know that for the last two days Miss K has been finding more imaginative eye patches than her current boring black one. Yesterday it was the lens from a broken pair of sunglasses, and today, well today is just something entirely different. I'll let you see it for yourself.

ARRRR, and yum.

Yep, that's a cracker over her eye. It's even the correct eye too, which means that she's not only prepared for pirate therapy, she's ready for snack time afterwards. I'd love to claim I don't know where she got her craziness from, but I know exactly where it came from...

The same person who decided that tea towels are an awesome accessory. Yep that's me as a bubba, and the old man cap and tea towel adorning my head were both put there by me. I totally understand why my mum spends so much time telling me that Miss K is just like I was as a baby, I just hope my mum had as much fun watching me going crazy as I have watching Miss K.

Well that's all for now, Miss K and I are going to a giant play centre with and old friend of mine and his daughter this afternoon, so I may have more insanity to share when we return. Or I could have gone completely crazy after spending the afternoon protecting every other child who has the same idea as we do. We won't know till this afternoon. But until then, stay awesome.

Things I never thought parenting would teach me

I'm back again. I know I didn't write anything for you guys yesterday, but I had the opportunity to go visit an old friend last night for a quiet evening watching Misery, and I had to take it. I figure since I'm a mum now and I can't get into sex drugs and rock and roll anymore, I might as well get Kathy Bates and James Caan going at each other with sledge hammers and door stops.

So after a quick look at the calendar this morning, I realised it is only 15 days until Miss K's 2nd birthday. I can't believe I've almost been doing this for 2 years now. Before I became a parent, my longest stint in a job was 18 months, and then it was a case or quit or get fired. Luckily my current boss can't fire me, or I would have been gone a long time ago.

Now as any parent will tell you, the years fly by before you get a chance to sit down and think about it. But I would like to take a moment to share with you just some of the things that I have learnt over the past 2 years that I never realised would be a part of my education as a mum. As logic dictates, I will start with number 1.

1. If you believe Playschool, archaeologists wear ice cream buckets as safety helmets 
2. If you fall asleep to a children's show, it will invade your dreams in the most messed up and un-G-rated ways possible.
3. Nothing is more entertaining than putting a CD on and letting your kid go nuts
4. No matter how many toys they have piled up in the corner, they will always go for the one thing in the room you don't want them to touch
5. You may think your floor is spotless, your child knows otherwise and will find absolutely every tiny piece of rubbish you have missed
6. No matter how prepared you are for leaving the house with your child, your child will always manage to do something you weren't ready for.
7. Nothing makes you turn into your own mother faster than having a child
8. The simplest things in life can really be the most pleasurable
9. Having a child gives you license to be a child yourself. Even if only for a little while
10. Childrens shows can be very entertaining. Especially if you have a filthy mind capable of twisting the most innocent sentence into something disgusting.
11. There is no problem that can't be fixed with a cuddle. Or a Wiggles brand band-aid 
12. No matter what the "experts" say, chocolate is an acceptable bribe, which will work every time
13. Your house suddenly becomes a terrifying death trap once you put a child in it. Even if you baby-proofed it before she was born
14. Being a parent means that you are amazing in someone's eyes. Make the most of it before they realise how big an idiot you really are
15. The minute you bring that little person home, all the rules fly out the window and you become the blind leading the blind
16. There is no such thing as ready to be a parent
17. Housework is never as important as playing with your child (at least that's my excuse)
18. Pick your battles. Does it really matter that she's eating her macaroni and cheese with her fingers?
19. But always set the rules early in the game. Something that looks cute the first few times can become destructive or dangerous (or very irritating) quickly.                 

And lastly

  20.  There is no better feeling than being the only person a child wants

Well these are just some of the things I've learnt since Miss K was born, and I know that my education is far from over, but I can't wait to see what else this little dirt monster has to teach me.

Well that's it for me, I'm off to do some grunt work in the back yard. I'll be back next time with more fun. Stay awesome peeps.

Back to school*

*Why is it whenever I write that sentence I immediately get a picture of Adam Sandler singing that stupid song in my head?? I guess it shows the maturity level of my long term memory that crappy movies are stored in there along with my sixth birthday party and that time I stood on a Bull Ant's nest.

Anyway it is after midnight, I am so tired that my eyeballs are almost falling out of my head and I really should be going to sleep. But I couldn't leave it a whole other day before catching up with you guys again, so just for you I will forego sleep for another half hour while I write up some rambling nonsense that I suspect entertains me much more than anyone else.

So a couple of big things happening at the moment, first of all I have joined the Bloggy Moms Network, a massive site full of bloggers who are also mums, or mums who are also bloggers. I'm not 100% sure because I'm still learning my way around the site. But I figured out today how to find their pretty badges so you'll notice a new addition to my growing list of buttons and links to the right of this website. Second of all, my Twitter page hit double digits today, which means that it currently has more subscribed followers than this website. I'd love to get all indignant and offended by this statistic, but given that for me this blog is not about he who has the most subscribers wins, I just can't muster up enough anger. I know that my mum thinks I'm cool and that's what is most important.

So back to the actual point of this post (tired me likes to go on irrelevant tangents a lot.) I started my studies again today. Now technically my course started on the 25th of February, but unfortunately when I took the half hour trip to the TAFE to pick up my books on that day, I found out they were not actually at the campus I had traveled to, but were actually at the campus down the road from where I live. GRRRR. Not only were they a five minute drive from my house, but I was then told I would have to wait for them to be delivered to the school half an hour away from me, and then my tutor would have them mailed BACK to my local campus. I personally don't understand the logic behind this decision, but maybe that's why all of these people are gainfully employed by the government and I'm a stay at home mum.

Anyway, I patiently waited, and waited, and waited. After a week I got tired of patiently waiting and sent a message to my tutor and asked for an update on the books, to be informed that they had been waiting at my local TAFE for me a full day already. GRRRR again. So yesterday I raced up the road to pick up my books and FINALLY got to sit down and start studying. It kind of sucks that already I'm a week behind through no fault of my own, but given that last year I started four months behind everyone else and still managed to get finished at the same time as everyone else I'm not too worried right now. In fact thanks to Miss K having an extra long nap this afternoon, (I knew this damn heat had to be good for something.) I have already finished my first assessment, and only have another six to complete before the end of next month. So I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Anywho It is now almost one o'clock in the morning, I am even tireder than before and I need to get some sleep. I'll be back again soon with more insanity. Stay awesome till then.

Lessons in parenting from a one year old

I'm back again. Call it a need to overcompensate for the three months of complete silence but I just can't stay away tonight.

So for anyone who has been paying attention recently, you would know I am elbow deep in the middle of raising a toddler. A toddler who has hit the terrible twos with such gusto you'd think there was an award given at the end of it. For the past two years I have tried to prepare myself for the first glimpse of the monster that would take over my lovely daughter for the next two years, but nothing in the world can prepare you for this. Not even babysitting my wonderful nieces and nephews when they were two (or still are in one niece's case) was enough to even make me aware of what I was in for.

Of course it doesn't help that most children behave better for the babysitter than they ever do for their parents, even if the babysitter is a close family member. So apart from the occasional bout of tears when they wouldn't get their way, my eldest niece and nephew were an absolute dream for me during the terrible twos. Of course I got to hand them back to their parents after a few hours and return to my blissfully ignorant life as a single and carefree woman. These days I don't have the same luxuries and instead I am the one being handed a screaming and belligerent toddler who is both angry at me for ignoring her and begging me for cuddles at the same time. Top that off with the sudden and urgent clingyness which means that not even her father is good enough for cuddles any more and you end up with one very stressed and frustrated mum who can't even use the toilet alone anymore.

Dinner time is usually the worst time as most mums will attest. It is the end of the day, you have been chained to each other for up to ten hours already if you gave birth to the most dreaded of children, an early riser, and you now need to juggle the task of playing with fire while distracting a tired and demanding diva with pleas to go back into the lounge room and watch Bananas in Pyjamas while you get dinner ready. And then after half an hour of prepping and cooking the meal (or five minutes of jamming it into the microwave and pacing the kitchen while you wait for the bell to ring), your spawn of Satan darling child becomes a haughty food critic, turning their nose up at your offering and pushing the plate away. (Or worse putting it in their mouth then spitting it straight out again and holding it out to you horrified, as if you had just tried to poison them.)

We had gotten to this taste test and spit out point in our evening last night when I finally snapped and my head exploded. I had run out of ideas at this point for how to get Miss K to eat her pastie and I was exhausted. I had tried emotional blackmail, I had tried reasoning, I had tried bribing, I had even tried yelling. She just sat in her chair looking at me like I had just told her the truth about Santa and crying. Given that the last weapon in my armory had been defeated I finally had to give up and walk out of the room before the whole ordeal escalated into anarchy and name calling. I decided to head to my bedroom for a quiet minute to collect my thoughts and have a quick cigarette. I had almost finished the smoke when I realised that things were quiet. Giving yourself a haircut with scissors you found under the table quiet. I rushed to the lounge room to see exactly what Miss K had managed to destroy in my absence only to find her sitting quietly in her chair eating the last few crumbs off her plate.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I had won the battle, but I still can't figure out if I've won the war. Did Miss K finally start eating because I had finally gotten off her back about eating and she could now enjoy her dinner in peace? Had she forgotten that five minutes ago she hated pasties and decided she was hungry enough to eat just about anything? Or did she finally realize that her darling and eternally youthful mother was indeed right to lecture her about eating her vegetables because they are just so gosh darn healthy and tasty? I can't for the life of me guess the answer and Miss K certainly isn't one to discuss the motives behind her actions so she's absolutely no help to me right now.

I have decided for now not to look a gift horse in the mouth and simply celebrated the fact that she went to bed with a tummy full of (mostly) healthy food. Now all I can do is prepare myself for the next episode of "I'm two and I know what I want, and I want it NOW" As long as she doesn't look at me like this again I can overcome anything...

You would think after two years I'd have an easier time saying no to this face. It never gets easier.

Here comes the holiday slideshow

Alright so in a minute I'm going to post a lesson I have learnt in the last few days about dealing with toddlers, but because it has been so long since we've spent any quality time together, I have many pictures from my time off to share with you guys. And like the long suffering friends you are, you'll sit there quietly and listen to the long monologue that goes with each photo, complete with lame jokes that I think are hilarious.

So as I discussed here, Miss K is now the proud owner of a fancy pair of glasses. The difference these glasses have made was apparent from the moment we put them on, and I think that has made her like her new accessory, as she never takes them off. The glasses have the added bonus of making her look even cuter than she did before. (I didn't even know that was possible)

My little princess poindexter

She looks so intelligent. I just want to ask her for financial advice. 

The only thing cuter than Miss K in her new glasses is Miss K in her occluder eye patch. Now I have to admit that when the optometrist told me we had to start using the eye patch every day for a month my heart sank. Not only was I worried that we were asking too much of a very little girl who had been incredibly patient to date, I also hated the fact that there was just one more thing that separated her from being just like all the other little kids I see out and about. So the first few sessions of pirate therapy were done behind closed doors when there was no one else around. I needed to spend a few days getting used to my beautiful baby with this horrible padded patch covering half of her face. Plus I figured she'd need a bit of time to adjust to this new addition to our routine. But as always she took this change in her stride and loves pirate time. I don't think it hurts that I make sure this time is something special. Sometimes we go around the back yard collecting things then make a nature collage, other times I pull out my Nintendo DS and we spend some time playing that. Of course there are the days when it is too hot, or we're both too tired, and those are the days where we just veg together in front of the telly watching half of Giggle and Hoot, yelling out the occasional ARRRRR to each other.

ARRRR YA SCURVY CURR WHERE'S ME RUM?!?!?!?!?

And my last holiday picture of this post is one of my favorites from this summer. Along with a new found love of pirates, Miss K has recently discovered the wonder of fairies, after being given a set of fairy wings to play with, and we have spent many an hour in our garden casting spells on flowers and grass while she floats around gracefully. (At least that's what I think she's trying to do, it really looks like she's walking on the moon most of the time.)

Except here she just looks like she's glaring at the photographer.

It's nice to see in between all of the pirates and the rough housing and the temper tantrums there is a little lady there too, just waiting for an opportunity to step out and feel pretty. 

So there is just a tiny cross section of what we got up to since the beginning of the year, there would be more except I kept forgetting to get my camera out so when I tell you we went for a trip to Spain, you're just going to have to take my word for it.

Welcome to the temper trap

So right now I am sitting in a living room crowded with people. The adults are having a Coke bottle fight, and the children are quietly entertaining themselves with empty nappy boxes and cardboard books. For some this chaos would be overwhelming, but in this house it is normal.

I am back ladies and gentleman!! Did you all miss me? because I missed the hell out of all of you. We finally have a fully functioning internet connection again so I am back in the 21st century. So much has happened recently that I don't know where to begin.

Miss K had a rare opportunity to spend time with her Nonna at the end of last month, as I decided after 18 months of zero contact that I would finally make the two and a half hour trip to her place for a weekend of Italian food and loud conversations. Miss K warmed to Nonna immediately and the two of them had a wonderful time together. Nonna even taught us how to make tomato sauce from scratch, as our visit coincided with tomato day. Miss K also had her first visit to the beach where she got to discover the joys of jumping in the waves and collecting shells. She even got buried in the sand thanks to yours truly, because I feel it isn't a real trip to the beach until you have sand in absolutely every crevice possible.

More on Miss K, we had a return visit to the optometrist last month as well, and while her eyes are getting stronger, he still isn't happy with her lazy eye, so she now has to wear an eye patch for an hour each day to speed things up. We have turned this into a game, and every day both Miss K and I are transformed into pirates, and we do lots of piratey things like watch TV or make nature collages. (Hey she's two, she doesn't know what real pirates do).

The other real big news with Miss K is the full arrival of a terrible two year old. And a month early too. While Miss K has had her bad days in the past, complete with the occasional temper tantrum and a stubborn refusal to change her mind, the past few weeks since we have returned from Nonna's house have been full of some of the hardest moments I have ever had as a mum. From smacking anyone and everyone who displeases her to screaming the house down when she doesn't get her own way, my beautiful, easy going baby has been replaced by a wildcat. At first I was fairly easy on her, given that she did need four days to recover from our visit to Melbourne, but when she had recovered finally, and the mood swings still hadn't disappeared I needed to become the bad guy and sit on my daughter each and every time she tried to pull her nonsense. (Metaphorically of course, I would never condone really using your children as furniture.) One of the drawbacks of having a baby that is part Italian is that her temper is quick and fierce, and her screams can make the ear drums of death metal rockers bleed. But while I can see a very long road ahead of us, I am quickly learning how to diffuse potentially lethal situations, and more often than not, I see my sunny little girl instead of a hellion.

Miss K's attempt to put her hands on her hips. This is the first sign that she isn't happy. 

Well a stacks on has just been initiated at the other end of the lounge room, and I have the sudden urge to jump on top of a pile of adults and children. It's good to be back.

Still alive and kicking

I know it has been a long time since you guys heard from me. I promise I am still here, and I miss blogging like crazy. Unfortunately our house is a bit technologically impaired at the moment, so unless I can figure out how to turn a hamster and several coconut shells into a modem we are disconnected for a little while.

Well a lot has happened over the past two months, first was new years, (happy 2013 everyone!) I haven't made any resolutions this year, as I never manage to keep them for very long any way so I stopped making promises on 31st December a long time ago.

Then in January we took Miss K back to the optometrist to have my worst fears confirmed, and Miss K is now the proud owner of a shiny pair of blue glasses. Pictures will come soon I promise. Then we took her to the doctor to get an unexplained rash checked out and found out she has eczema. So we now have a very strict skin care regimen in place to make sure her skin stays healthy.

The other big thing I wanted to mention today is the huge milestone that this blog has just passed. It has been a year since I started this blog, and the journey so far has been a lot of fun.

Well lots more has happened, but I am meant to be visiting with my big sister at the moment, so I feel rude sitting in front of her computer instead of chatting so I have to head of and be social.

I should hopefully be back by the beginning of next month, so thank you all for your patience, and I promise I haven't forgotten any of you. Stay awesome till I come back.