Saturday, 19 May 2012

I can't get no satisfaction

So the last few weeks I have been possessed by the most irritating urge to do something creative. This is not a problem in itself as long as you have the time, space and money to embark on a new project, or dust off an old,  long forgotten project to bring back to life, but when you are the proud mother of a one year old, this yearn can be quite frustrating, and any attempts to quell the yearning can result in either rushed work or unsatisfying products. I'm not entirely sure if this return of creativity is a response on my behalf to Miss K's growing independence. Lately I have noticed that she is quite happy playing by herself for long stretches of time, only looking up occasionally to make sure that either I or mum are within view, probably for security more than anything else.

That is not to say that I don't have to rescue her from herself on a regular basis, but I am beginning to see small glimpses of a not too distant future when I won't even be needed to feed and change her any more, and then what will I do with myself? It is so hard to keep your identity after you have a child. You slip so quickly into becoming somebody's mum, it is easy to forget that you had a whole life before this little body came into your universe and threw everything into chaos. I've already started looking towards the future with trying to enrol into a bookkeeping course (that is an ordeal on its own and something I don't even have the energy to complain about right now), but somehow even that doesn't seem enough on its own. I think the real problem with trying to find a part of myself that existed before Miss K was born is that before I was a mum, I was unsatisfied with my life. I worked menial, frustrating jobs in customer service, I had dozens of hobbies, but not one that I excelled in, and terrible taste in men. I seemed to be floating around aimlessly waiting for something to come along and anchor me into reality and give my life purpose. Now Miss K has come along and given me that purpose, but for how long? I know once you have children you remain a mother forever, but the mother of a twelve year old has a completely different job to that of a mother of a one year old.

I guess I'm most frustrated that apart from being Miss K's mum, my life still lacks any real structure or motivation. I try on a weekly basis to change this but due to sheer laziness (and fear of failure), I never get any further than making plans while lying in bed trying to sleep. I have plenty of excuses as to why I fail so regularly, no money, not enough hours in the day, plans get changed at the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances, but the cold hard truth is that it is easier to blame the rest of the world than get my hands dirty and actually change my life. They say the first step to dealing with your problem is being able to admit you have a problem, but I have been admitting for so long that I'm lazy and scared, these words roll off my tongue as easily as the apologies I give to strangers in the street when I get in their way. I've gotten to the point where it isn't enough to just admit that I am lazy, but I am unsure where to go from there. The answer here is probably the most obvious thing, just get on with it and start changing things. If my big sister was here right now, she'd tell me to stop being a drama queen and do just that, and maybe that's what I need, someone to tell me to grow up and stop being so childish. But given that it's 12:30 in the morning and all the sane people in my family are safely tucked up in bed leaving me alone with my thoughts and a keyboard, I'm free to wallow in my own special brand of self pity for now.

So unfortunately this post does not end with any resolutions to become a better person or concrete plans on how to change my life, and maybe that will leave you, my wonderful readers, with a sense of dissatisfaction that I am all too familiar with. But please feel free to inject your own dose of reality in the comments if you feel compelled to do so, or maybe you can come up with the happy ending this post so desperately needs. I for one would be greatly appreciative of any feedback.
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