My Little Hot Air Balloon Baby

Hello again guys, I interrupt my normal schedule to share some sad news with you guys.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write, and that's including when I've had to get creative with job applications. I keep starting and stopping this one, and sometimes scrapping it altogether. This is about the fifth attempt I've made, so hopefully this one makes it to your screen because I'm still not sure whether or not any of these posts are going to see the light of day.

So up until two weeks ago I was pregnant. This fact alone will surprise most of you since none of you knew I was even dating, but I was. Long story short we were friends for years, we dated for a few months, we were talking about moving in together and having kids, I discovered I was already pregnant and he freaked out and admitted not only was he not ready to be a dad again, he'd been seeing someone else for three weeks. So I walked away and started planning to be a single mum again. I wasn't scared, not like I was when Miss K was coming, simply because I've now been doing this for five years and lets face it, I kick ass as a single mum.

I was looking forward to being a mum again, I knew it was going to be tough having two kids to run around after, but kids are always a beautiful blessing, so I had more to look forward to than dread. Really the only thing I was dreading was having another ex I was tied to for the rest of my life. I was really hoping I'd made better choices this time, I really thought he was decent and it took giving him something he'd previously said he wanted to find out his true colours. But I didn't have time to dwell on it this time because I had more important things to take care of right now.

In the last weekend of April I went to Inverloch with all of my sisters and my niece Eliza. We spent two nights at an amazing holiday house ten minutes from the beach and had a fabulous time. My time was made more fabulous by the fact that for the first time in two months I wasn't plagued with morning sickness and constant back pain. I didn't think too hard about how I was feeling, I decided it was just a sign I was meant to enjoy myself this weekend and so that's exactly what I did. It wasn't until I got home and went for a scheduled ultrasound on the Monday that I realised what was really going on. The poor technician spent a full ten minutes looking for a heartbeat for me with no success. He was very apologetic, as if it was all somehow his fault and I walked out of his office in a daze. The first thing I did was call mum and start crying.

The next two weeks were a blur of doctors appointments and tears. I had mum and my big sister Sam tell everyone what was going on simply because I didn't have the strength to keep saying the same thing over and over again. The only family members I had to tell were mum and Miss K. Miss K was confused of course, and has asked lots of questions, the worst of which was whether or not she was still a big sister. My heart ached for her at this point, because it showed that for her, the most important part of my pregnancy the whole time was the fact that she finally had the chance to be a big sister. For my sake as much as hers I told her she was still the best big sister in the world and I meant it.

I've clung to Miss K like a life raft these past few weeks, as if my life depends on her existence, and in a way it does. Right now she is my whole reason for waking up, she is the one who keeps me busy and sane and without her I feel lost. Every morning that I wake up and see her little head lying next to mine I know I'm going to be OK and I'm able to get out of bed and get on with life. Every night when she goes to bed again I feel the same helplessness creep over me and I sit and wonder what the hell I'm meant to do with myself until tomorrow morning.

At least now that the physical part is over I finally have my identity back. From the time the technician told me he couldn't find the heartbeat until the moment the last doctor told me everything was over and I was nearly healed all I could see myself as was a walking miscarriage. I felt like I had it tattooed on my forehead and I couldn't understand why no one else seemed to notice it. I received no weird stares from people in the streets, none of the other parents at kindergarten even realised anything was different, which of course they wouldn't, because I hadn't even gotten to the point where I was telling people I was pregnant, so there was nothing to notice, but to me it was the biggest part of me, and I couldn't understand how it could be so invisible to everyone else.

The only thing I'd bought for the baby before we got the news was a beautiful original print. It is a water colour of a zebra in a hot air balloon, and it was going to be hung on his wall near his cot. Instead I now get to turn it into a memorial picture, complete with a beautiful poem my baby sister Kim wrote for me.

Right now I'm trying to stay hopeful, and remember my blessings. I still have a wonderful family surrounding me, all of whom have been an amazing support for me right from the beginning of this saga, and all of whom have managed to forget all their own problems and lives to prop me up and keep me propelling forward. I'm on the phone all the time these days answering messages checking to make sure I'm ok, and looking at sloth and lama pictures with thanks to Nat who knows how to make me smile.

It makes me feel better knowing that for the short time that my little boy was alive he was loved totally by all who knew of him. He knew nothing of pain, heartbreak, rejection or sadness, all he ever knew was peace, and love, and that thought brings me peace.

But there is still grief to go through, and I know it isn't going to be a quick process. There are times I can get through a whole day without any tears, and then there are the days where I can't even make it through my first coffee of the day, and that's ok. I'm trying my hardest to seek out happiness, and remind myself that there is still joy in the world despite what I feel right now, and it does seem to be helping. I have a close friend who is pregnant with a rainbow baby, having gone through her own miscarriage late last year, and knowing she needs support right now keeps me from wallowing too much. I also have a whole soccer team worth of family members who managed to forget their own worries for me, so I do my best to return the favour for them whenever the need arises, which also helps me to keep my own grief in perspective.

There are times I can still feel happy, there are times I feel peaceful, there are times I feel frustrated and there are times I feel broken. I've had days where I feel like I can climb a mountain, and I've had days where all I can do is lie on the couch and stare out the window, but I know this is all just part of the process and I'm trying to be gentle with myself. About the biggest thing I've accomplished in the past two weeks is reading over 3,000 pages of customer service horror stories, but an accomplishment is still an accomplishment when your life has been ripped apart. Day by day I repair a little bit more, and one day I will hopefully feel whole again, but until then I'll just keep plodding along. Helping my family, making people laugh, being the best mum in the world. That's all any of us can do.

To my little hot air balloon baby Cooper Dean, RIP. I leave you in God's hands for now, but I will love you forever.

The Importance of Nutrition During Pregnancy

Hi guys, I have another guest writing for me today, on the importance of nutrition during pregnancy, so please welcome Orlaith Costello from Koster Clinic.

Image Sourced: http://goo.gl/WZcL4i

There’s many things that a woman needs to be concerned with when she becomes pregnant, and one is diet. Now she’s eating for two (or more).

Maintaining a balanced and healthy diet is important for living well; however, now you have an extra incentive. Proper nutrition ensures that all essential nutrients (carbohydrates, fats, protein, vitamins, minerals and water) are supplied to the body to maintain optimal health. You need to make sure that you have the right nutrients to get yourself and your bundle of joy through what is a traumatic time for your body. You are creating life inside you, the least you can do is treat yourself well and give yourself the right kind of fuel to do your best.

During pregnancy, your energy and nutrition levels decrease. The pregnancy takes its toll on your body, depleting your fuel resources. You need to consume foods that will give you that boost so you have the energy reserves to optimize your overall health and strength. Did you know that women need to consume 240 more calories per day in their second trimester and 452 calories per day in their third trimester of pregnancy to enable healthy foetal growth? As well as 975 milligrams of iron needed to produce foetal and maternal blood? Having the right reserves of energy will help to ensure the mother’s strength and health through her pregnancy.

Need more incentive?

A well-balanced and nutritionally rich diet can help stave off health risks both for the mother and the child. A mother’s diet can play a larger role in foetal development than genetic factors. The foetus will respond to whatever you consume, meaning your child can adapt its metabolism to cope with an under-nourished diet. This can result in the foetus reducing glucose and insulin production, slowing the rate of growth and increasing the risk of low birth weight and can even lead to diabetes. Another side-effect of under-nutrition can be that the foetus will conserve blood flow to its most important parts – like the developing brain – depriving other major organs and muscles, which can go under-developed or not developed at all.

What can you do?

Some women are pre-disposed to have a less balanced diet based on their own health issues or dietary restrictions. If you are a woman who has conceived, or is hoping to conceive, you need to build up your nutrition levels. This can mean cutting out unhealthy habits like drinking alcohol, ingesting too much caffeine or not ingesting enough fruits and vegetables. If you suffer from a chronic illness which restricts your diet like IBS or Crohns disease, diabetes or food intolerances, speak to your health provider or nutritionist to organise an appropriate and nutritionally beneficial diet for you. I would suggest the same for vegan or vegetarian mothers, as pregnant women need an increased amount of protein in their diet. If you’re not getting it from meats or animal by-products you need to source it from another avenue. Supplements can help but it’s always more beneficial to have natural foods. For you and your baby.

You can do this

Pregnancy is a wonderful, illuminating and scary experience. Remember that no matter how scary or over-whelmed you get, women have been doing this since the human race came about. You are the next in a long line of courageous women who have continued the human race. This is the most natural thing in our history, all you need to do is play out your part. Look after yourself and your bundle of joy!

Authors Bio:

Orlaith Costello writes for Koster Clinic, she graduated with a Master Degree in Journalism, Media and Communications, and writes for several publications in Australia and abroad. Orlaith also writes about health and well-being including women's health and parenting in the hope that she helps others like her better understand the world around her.

Disclaimer: The above is general advice only and not intended as medical advice. You should not delay seeking medical advice, disregard medical advice, or discontinue medical treatment because of information in this article.

Something in the water

It seems to be baby season at the moment. I have discovered over the past few months that almost every one of my friends who were pregnant at the same time I was with Miss K are all pregnant again. I was very excited to hear that two of my friends gave birth this week, to healthy beautiful children. Another woman I used to go to Mother's Group with is pregnant with twin boys, and the girl I was visiting when I discovered I was pregnant is also pregnant with her third child. It is kind of crazy but I almost felt sad that I was being left out of the pregnancy boom this time around, especially as I loved having so many pregnant women around me when I was up the duff, as it makes it easier to go through the torture of carrying around 10 kilos of child and excess baggage when everyone else is doing it with you.

Of course I still stand firm on my single child policy for now, and although I miss talking about being pregnant, I definitely don't miss being pregnant. Feeling like a beached whale is never fun, especially in the heat of an Australian summer. Although I really can't complain about baby weight too much given that Miss K was happy living next to my spine whilst in utero, which meant that even when I was a week away from giving birth, I still only looked about 7 months pregnant. While this could have been seen as a blessing, I was actually quite disappointed that I didn't look like I was carrying a yoga ball underneath my t-shirt. Of course if I had been any larger I would probably have been complaining about the above yoga ball, and the things it did to my wardrobe. As it was I still had to swap my wardrobe of jeans for leggings, which have now become an essential part of my tiny stack of day wear, especially as they are so forgiving of stretchy post-pregnancy stomachs.

The other consequence of pregnancy that I really want to avoid for now is the inevitable child that comes after the 9 months of discomfort and the agony of labour. While I adore Miss K with all of my heart and would never trade her for anything in the world (not even tickets to a Mika concert), on her own she is able to make the noise of three children and the mess of ten. So while I have her in my life my hands are completely full. Having said that; I probably should make it clear that I love having such a huge handful of child to take care of and there may be a day when I find that I want to increase my little family, but right now my family of two is the perfect size for me. Plus this way Miss K always gets to lick the spoon when someone is baking.

The end result of Miss K being allowed to lick the spoon.