Thursday, 18 April 2013

A letter of apology

An open letter to the people and things which I have reason to apologize to for past, present and possible future infractions.

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To all of the people who I park next to in car parks around the country; I am very sorry if my attempt at parking has left you with the urge to beat in my windshield with a sledge hammer, I’m still not very good at it. Also I’m sorry if you have to wait five minutes while I get my squirming daughter, both our bags, her pram, any extra toys she wants to bring and the kitchen sink out of the car. I promise I am going as fast as I can, but these things do take time.

To my stomach, thighs and bottom; I’m very sorry but things don’t appear to be shrinking on their own and I can’t be bothered doing anything about it myself. If you can just hold on for a little while longer I’m sure they’ll invent an ice cream that sucks the fat out of your body. Until then I’m going back to my donuts.

To my big sister; I am sorry I destroyed every book I borrowed from you, and broke your hairbrush then hid it under my bed for three months. And I’m also sorry I scared you with the spider I found in my toy picnic basket when we were kids. I’m also sorry I still laugh about it every time I think about it. And finally I’m sorry for thinking you were the world’s biggest meanie every time you disciplined your kids when they were two. I am now in the same unenviable position now and I totally see why you did it.

To every sports teacher I ever had as a child; I am sorry that I hate sports so much, and that you had to be at the receiving end of said hatred. If it makes you feel any better I still hate sports, but I give a lot less attitude about it. (I just hurl abuse at the television if they interrupt my scheduled programming for a stupid @#$%$@ sports show)

To every other teacher I ever had; I am sorry I was so well behaved and smart, because you then expected every other brother and sister after me to be equally as well behaved and smart. I should have come with a warning that I was the weird one of my family for having such large brains and beautiful manners.

To all my younger brothers and sisters; I apologize for setting the bar at school so high for all of you. Obviously it was too hard for you to get straight A’s in all your classes and not make your teachers cry (I’m looking at you Kim) and I feel that maybe the teachers expected so much of you because I was such a brilliant student, so I’m sorry.

To every future teacher of Miss K’s; I apologize that she said/did what she did, and I will make sure to explain to her why it is not a good idea to feed that to the class pet, or call her classmates that, or insert (blank) into (blank). I am sure we will not have a repeat of this incident again.

To my car; I am sorry that I keep forgetting to put oil in you, and I let the tyres get dangerously low on air before I finally get tired of having to wrench the steering wheel every time I turn and pump you up again. Also I am sorry that I leave it more than 12 months between each service, and longer for tune ups and all the other boring hard to understand repairs you always seem to need. If you could please avoid dying in the middle of the supermarket car park again, I’ll make sure to take better care of you.

To Miss K; I am sorry that…oh hell there is too much here that I will have to apologise for, so let’s just say I’m sorry.

And finally to my mum; I am sorry that I was such a pain in the butt as a child, because I am getting it all back tenfold now.

Do any of you have anything you need to apologize for? Let me know in the comments and get a load off your chest.
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