Saturday, 24 September 2016

September Fly on The Wall

Welcome yet again to another instalment of my favourite post I do every single month. Yes, it is time yet again for Fly on the Wall. For any of you here who are new to this, what happens is every month a bunch of us bloggers join up and share some of the crazy stuff that you would see were you a fly on the wall at our house.


Fly on the Wall
Today there are nine bloggers joining in the fun, so be sure to visit them all and keep the fun going.

Go Mama O                                           
Spatulas on Parade                                            
Never Ever Give Up Hope                        

Mum and I were watching telly one night
Mum: I think the person speaking is that woman, oh what's her name? Angela Mayo?
Me: Who?
Mum: No, wait, it's Maya Angelou.

Eliza goes to high school just across the road from our house, so sometimes she comes to visit us during her lunch time. One day she needed to escape a couple of mean girls so she came over and called her mum.
Sam: Are you having troubles with bitchy girls again?
Eliza: What? Itchy gills? I don't have itchy gills.

Kim: I was not paying attention this morning when I was getting ready for work, and I forgot to put my skirt on. It wasn't until I walked out the door that I noticed it was really cold. Then I looked down and realised I was standing in the front yard wearing just my work shirt and my stockings.
  
One day I went to pick Miss K up from kindergarten and the head teacher made us all wait before leaving so she could let us know the children witnessed one of their pet chickens eating a frog that day. She also informed us the children had stopped the teachers from interrupting the chicken's tasty meal. I was pretty sure Miss K wasn't too traumatised by this event since she insisted on playing the chicken chases the frog around our living room for the rest of the afternoon. 

The next week I found out from Miss K that the kindergarten's pet yabby Sam had passed away too. Upon checking the kindergarten's Facebook page I found pictures from the funeral they held that day.
Me: They had a funeral for a yabby at kindergarten today. I don't know how I feel about this. The kids even decorated his coffin.
Mum: I just want to know if they played rock lobster as they buried it.

Nat: I would love, just to mess with people, to spell my son's name George, but have it pronounced Henry. 
Me: I suppose it's better than naming your son cod-eye
Nat: It's not cod-eye, it's Codi.
Me: If you spell your son's name like that I will call him cod-eye and nothing else.

Kim: Erin how do you have your coffee?
Me: I like my coffee strong and sweet, just like me.
Kim: Ok If it's just like you I'll add a dash of autism to the water. 

Sam and Jason were discussing a local supermarket
Sam: I don't want to go back there. We bought our chompy up thing from there and it broke almost immediately.
Me: Chompy up thing? Are you talking about a mulcher?
Sam: Yeah. The chompy up thing. 

Miss K was lying on the couch one day making weird noises with her mouth.
Mum: Oh look, she's jukeboxing.
Me: I think the word you're looking for is beat boxing mum.

Kim: I lashed out this afternoon and bought a new jacket.
Me: You punched someone for a jacket?

Natalie got sent home from work with a sore back last week, but couldn't resist being a smarty pants when her boss was worried about her.
Boss: How are you going to drive home?
Natalie: holds her hands up like she is steering an invisible car. Like this.
Boss: If you are not careful I will pick you up and throw you back into the baby room.

Kim had a tiny fender bender a few weeks ago, there was no real damage to either car, so it was mentioned once and then I forgot about it entirely. I did however manage to scare the crap out of dad when he thought he'd let the cat out of the bag.
Dad: How bad is the damage to Kim's car
Me: I didn't know there was any damage to Kim's car. Did she have another accident?
Dad: No, I don't know what you're talking about. Weren't you leaving?
Me: Did someone side swipe her or did she run into them?
Dad: I think it was a combination of both.
Me: Oh wait, I remember now, it's ok, you've not told me anything I didn't already know.

Kim: Hey mum, what do you call it when you send smoke signals?
Mum: Um, sending smoke signals.

I had to do some shopping for mum, so I grabbed some money from her purse.
Me: Hey Miss K, I'm stealing granny's money. Don't tell her ok?
Miss K: Gran, mum is stealing your money.
Mum: What?!?
Miss K: (whispering) Don't tell.

Nat: Aargh, it's so bright...I'm just staring at my future.

Me: Miss K's dad has made all kinds of grand plans for Miss K's visit during the holidays. He's taking her to the zoo, and to that giant Ferris wheel.
Mum: Good grief, she'll be exhausted.
Me: Meanwhile, Miss K's requests for activities have been the park, the pool and the car wash.
Mum: That's my girl.
Me: If her dad just listened to her, he'd save himself a fortune on admission tickets.

Dad: How is Kimberley going now?
Me: She's doing ok.
Dad: And how are you coping living with her?
Me: I threw a shoe at her yesterday if that answers your question.
Dad: Why did you throw a shoe at her?
Me: Oh I said something that bugged her so she threw her shoe at me. So I waited until she came back and lobbed it at her as hard as I could. She ended the fight by throwing a banana at me. I wasn't going to waste a good banana on her.

Me: Why is Kim posting a picture of clothes racks and asking if you remember her game of hide and seek in them?
Mum: Oh when she was a kid she tried to hide in one and pulled it all down on top of herself instead.
Me: Of course she did.

Me: That's it, if I ever need to ride a bike during magpie season, I'm going to wear a huge afro over the top of it
Mum: Ok then.
Me: It's the helmet they hate, so if I cover it with a giant wig they'll leave me alone. Plus it's totally legal to wear a wig over your helmet.
Mum: In that case why just do it during magpie season? Do it for funsies.
Me: That's just what I'll do. All year round, afro helmet. 

Well that's all from me for this month, don't forget to keep the buzz going and visit the other bloggers participating today. 

Thursday, 8 September 2016

R U OK 2016 Kimberley's Story

Hello again my lovelies, I'm back for a not so fun, but super important discussion today. As some of you probably already know, today is R U OK day, the day where we shed a light on suicide prevention and remind people to look at the people around you and make sure you ask R U OK if you're worried about them.




I spoke about this day last year  and I took some time to share some of my own story with you guys. this year I'm doing something slightly different and I'm sharing someone else's story. (With their permission of course.) I mentioned back in the July Fly on the Wall that my baby sister Kimberley had come to stay with us for a little while. I didn't mention the specifics simply because a Fly on the Wall really isn't the place to discuss a story like this, but given the day I thought now would be a good time, and Kimberley agreed. Now there are still some specifics of this story that I am not 100% sure on, so there may be edits in the future, but I'll make a note of them if that does happen.

Kim has always been a special case as far as our family goes, because she always seemed to have the worst health. We always joked that she got all the defective genes given she was the last of 6 kids, but whatever the reason, she has spent her life dealing with a slew of physical and mental problems. She's always been a little bit OCD, a little bit of a germaphobe, and a little highly strung. On top of that she also has asthma, allergies and eczema. She really is the genetic dud of the family, but we love her anyway. We've all just accepted her personality quirks as being part of who she is, given how deeply ingrained mental issues are in our family it was inevitable she'd have something. As Kimberley got older however the issues got more serious. Kimberley became bulimic when she was a teenager. She also began drinking pretty heavily. My big sister Sam started suspecting that there was a serious problem when Kimberley was about 19, but confronting her was never going to be a good idea, so Sam tried the next best thing and asked Kimberley's high school boyfriend. He was more aware of the extent of the issues Kimberley was dealing with at the time, but being young and stupid he thought he could handle everything on his own and lied to us about there being anything worth worrying about. He then told Kimberley we were starting to suspect something so she became better at hiding her symptoms from us.

Fast forward another year or so, Kimberley had moved in with a new boyfriend by now, and was starting to struggle to hide her problems as well as she had in the past. We didn't realise it at the time, but it was because she was trapped in a super abusive relationship and the pressure of keeping up appearances coupled with her already pre-existing mental problems was becoming too much. Her boyfriend kept coming to us with scary stories like the time she tried to throw herself out of a moving car speeding down a freeway, or telling us she was constantly drinking to excess and acting impulsively in the most terrifying ways. He seemed genuinely concerned for her, and he appeared to want to help her, so we accepted his stories and tried to support them both, but nothing seemed to work. Kimberley ended up in and out of hospital during this time, her bulimia got so bad she ended up with a stomach ulcer, her drinking was completely out of control and her physical and mental health were declining rapidly. Eventually she got so sick she had to stop working and ended up living in bed. During this time I had hundreds of conversations with mum and with Sam, we were all worried out of our minds as to how to make Kimberley better, but there was nothing we could do because Kimberley didn't want to be helped. I hated having to tell them we had to sit back and wait but it was honestly all we could do until Kimberley was ready to admit that there was a problem and wanted out of her current situation.

It took 2 years for that to happen. None of us know really what Kimberley's ex was doing to her that whole time, as she still isn't ready to discuss the abuse with us, but we know it was bad. When Kimberley finally came to us she had been the victim of a physically and emotionally abusive man for over two years. The damage that man had managed to do to her over the course of that time was just mind boggling. He broke my baby sister utterly and completely into a million tiny pieces, and we now had the job of putting her back together. As the days rolled by Kimberley slowly started telling us tiny pieces of the story, we heard of the day she'd had enough of her life and tried to overdose on pain killers but ended up just sleeping for 24 hours straight. We heard of the day she decided she'd walk in front of a train, only to be stopped by a concerned stranger who noticed her pacing across a level crossing and stopped her. Luckily that day there were no trains for some reason, but I still thank the stars someone spoke to her. That tiny act of concern snapped her out of whatever was going on in her head and it wasn't long after that that she finally found the strength to leave.

We spent weeks helping Kimberley heal. When she first came home to us she felt completely and totally alone. She was unable to see the support network she had sitting around her at all times simply because life had become so hopeless for her she was blind to any signs of hope. Even our dad was right there by her side the whole time, and he's never been able to cope with hugely emotional situations. (A cynical person might say that was just evidence Kimberley was his favourite, but we're not cynical are we?) We seemed to be getting through to her, she was back at work, she was back to visiting friends, she looked like she was slowly coming back to us when her ex found a new girl. Kimberley crashed and burned and we took giant steps backwards in our progress. Then a friend died in an accident while on holiday and Kimberley started saying she didn't want to live anymore. And she kept saying it over and over. Mum was out of her mind with worry, my other sister Natalie was out of her mind with worry, Sam was out of her mind with worry, and I was stuck listening to everyone worry and stress and not know what to do.

I ended up reaching out to Kimberley, desperate to try to keep everything together. I wrote her a letter telling her all kinds of lovely and encouraging things about her, but also telling her suicide wasn't the answer. I was completely honest and possibly a little harsh with her and some of it was hard to read, but I was desperate. Being kind and gentle wasn't working so I figured being brutally honest couldn't hurt. I know she's read the letter, but we've never spoken about it. But it was the last time she's mentioned wanting to die. And shortly after that she turned a corner.

Now Kimberley has been home for three months and we are beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. She's not completely cured, not yet anyway. She still has bulimia, she still has a whole heap of physical issues which are going to take years to heal, and she is still dealing with her trauma, as she is going to for a long time to come. As of writing this we have just come through a low period with lots of crying and conversations about horrible topics, but it's different now. She knows that there is hope and she knows that there is love all around her, even on the days when her brain betrays her and makes everything seem dark again. I don't know that the worst of it is over yet, but as long as we keep reaching out to her when things get difficult, I know we'll get through this, just as we have done before.

And that is why I say it is so important to reach out to the people around you. I hear too many times the stories of families of suicide victims who say they wish they'd had a chance to help their loved ones, if only they'd known that something was wrong, if only they'd spoken up about how they were feeling. If you suspect that someone you know is not doing ok, then speak up. Let them know you see them, let them know you care about them, and let them know that help is available.

If you or someone you know are struggling with thoughts of suicide or depression, please know that there is help available for you, There are thousands of resources at your fingertips on your computer, tablet, phone or refrigerator that you are reading this on right now. Don't give up, because if my mutant of a baby sister can survive going to hell and back, then so can you.

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Why abstinence based education is harmful at any age

So today I have a ranty post for you guys, and I'd love to hear opinions that aren't mine at the end of this, so pay close attention lovely peoples.

For a bit of a background before I get into the nitty gritty, NAPCAN (or the National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect) are holding their annual child protection week from 4th to 10th September. As a part of the lead up to this week, and as a new initiative brought into schools, daycare centres and kindergartens, all children are being given lots of lectures about safety and healthy living at the moment. In Miss K's kindergarten in the last week alone they have used this as an excuse to discuss healthy foods, anatomy and exercise. They will also be holding various conversations about protective behaviour etc. One thing they have already discussed is acceptable physical contact, but I'm not impressed with the way they have handled this.

On Wednesday afternoon when all us parents went in to pick up our darling monsters, the head teacher informed us all that they had had to have a discussion about appropriate physical contact between the kids while at kindergarten. They had put in a total ban on hugging and kissing, and the kids saying I love you to each other.  This isn't the part I really had a problem with, I know that a zero contact policy is usually the norm at schools and kindergartens, so while bringing problems of its own, it is to be expected. It was when she told us that they had also informed the kids of the acceptable people to hug and kiss outside of kindergarten that I had an issue. Now I'm not sure if she was only giving us the abridged version for the sake of not holding us up too long, however when it was explained to us, she informed that the list of acceptable people to hug, kiss, and give admissions of love to outside of kindergarten consisted of parents, grandparents and siblings. That was the entire list she gave to us. Later on at home when I questioned Miss K about this, she repeated that list back to me, however given she has proven time and time again that she doesn't have the most reliable memory, she may have only been going off the abridged version that we were given at pick up. But even if that wasn't the complete list, that is what Miss K has taken from their conversation and I am mad as hell about this.

Number one, while I appreciate that they are madly trying to cram as much education about protective behaviours into a tiny window of space, with an audience not known for its attention span, it's not their damn job to dictate what my child does outside of kindergarten. I am the one who makes the rules outside of those four walls, and I do not appreciate anyone coming in and thinking they know better than me about what is best for my child. This new protective behaviours education is meant to be aimed at the parents, and not the children, so lecture me by all means, but don't do it through my child.

Number two, if that was the complete list of acceptable people to hug, go to hell. In my family alone there are eight aunts and uncles and five cousins which were excluded from that list. Then there are the family friends who we love to give affection too. Then there are the ladies at the supermarket who are always up for a hug and a chat. By making any kind of list of acceptable people to give physical affection too, they make this a shameful act, which it isn't. It is an innocent show of love and friendship given by an incredibly friendly child, and to place limits on it changes it into something dirty which I refuse to allow to happen. This isn't like the list of people Miss K isn't allowed to swear in front of, this isn't something we have to hide. Physical affection is an actual biological need. Multiple studies have shown the importance of affection and physical contact to the human brain and body, and to limit it runs the risk of harm.

I already put zero tolerance physical contact rules right up there next to abstinence based sexual education programs, and this just cements my convictions. By teaching kids the best way to be safe is to not do something, you do them a disservice. You ignore a young person's natural inclination towards curiosity and experimentation, and you fail to keep them safe. By teaching abstinence of any form, you fail to teach children to know their own limits and the limits of the people around them. You fail to teach them self preservation, because it assumes that for the rest of their life, everyone is just going to comply to the rules they were taught, which never ever actually happens. You also fail to teach them about consent which is one of the biggest lesson we can teach our kids before we let them out into the big wide world. In the short term abstinence looks like the safest option, but we have seen time and time again that it is the most dangerous thing to learn.

The only silver lining I can see out of all of this is that it forced me to have a conversation with Miss K about consent. We sat down at home and I explained to her that people were allowed to not want physical affection, and that she has to accept their wishes, I also let her know that she was allowed to refuse physical contact, and that it was her right to have her refusal accepted. This is the lesson she was meant to learn that day, not that hugs are dirty and must be stopped. I'm sure I'll need to have this conversation again and again, especially as she gets older and I begin preparing her for a world where rape apologists exist, but for now it is simply about being allowed to say no to a hug.

I would love to know what you think. Am I overreacting in my anger at the kindergarten? Do you think they botched their attempts? Do you agree with them? Let me know down below in the comments.

Saturday, 20 August 2016

August Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another installment of Fly on the Wall. For any newcomers here, today we are giving you a glimpse of what you would see if you were a fly on the wall. There are ten bloggers joining in the fun today, so be sure to visit them all and enjoy the fun.

Fly on the Wall

Baking In A Tornado                   
Menopausal Mother                           
Spatulas on Parade                                                                
Never Ever Give Up Hope                                     
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                             
Southern Belle Charm                   
Eileen’s Perpetually Busy               
Molly Ritterbeck                                     
Go Mama O                                          

One day mum and I were sitting in the lounge room when our dog Chase started barking.
Mum: Your bloody dog barks like an esky.
Me: Do you mean husky?
Mum:..... yep.

Miss K trying to do a magic trick
Abra and dabra!

My niece bought a new wig based on the hairstyle of her favourite anime holograph (yeah I don't get it either.) She showed it to mum and mum tried it on.
Mum: This is awesome. I'm now granime!

My sister Nat is getting ready to get her first tattoo! She's decided on her childhood nickname Natimuk written in mum's handwriting. We were discussing it on the phone one day.

Nat: I'll need to get mum to rewrite it as I've only got it in pen and I think the tattooists need it in Sharpie.
Me: Well it should be ok. I'm pretty sure they trace over the design on tracing paper. And with yours they'll need to reverse it like a stamp otherwise it will go on backwards.
Nat: Yeah I don't want that, what would it be if they didn't reverse it?
Me: Kumitan
Nat: Yeah, that's not my name.
Me: It is now Kumitan.

Mum and I were watching an ad on television which featured Stephen Hawking.
Stephen told a random joke and mum and I laughed.

Me: He's funny. He should do stand up, I'd watch that.
Mum then proceeded to laugh for thirty seconds before I even realised what I'd said.

Several days later we were watching the same ad and mum started laughing.
Mum: Do you know what I was about to say?
Me: He should do standup?
Mum: No, he has an American accent, but he was born in England. I couldn't understand why.
Me: *facepalm*


This last week has been a massive week for Miss K and I, first of all I enrolled her into her first year of primary school for next year. I got so caught up in making sure the paperwork was all correct and that I had all the miscellaneous pages the school had asked for that I totally didn't realise what I'd just done until I was walking to my car. It was probably a good thing as it meant I didn't ugly cry in front of the vice principal and the lovely ladies at the reception area.

Then as if I wasn't already feeling fragile enough, Miss K lost her first tooth today! We've been monitoring the progress of her two bottom teeth for weeks now, and I thought the left one was going to be the first to go until today when I checked and noticed her right tooth was almost as wobbly. I told her to go get an apple from the kitchen and take a couple of bites to see if we couldn't get them out. Once she'd had a couple of bites I took a look expecting the left tooth to be missing, but it was the right tooth that had fallen out. We still can't get the left tooth to budge and she won't let me pull it out for her so we continue to wait. As of writing this she has the tooth tucked under her pillow waiting for a gift from the tooth fairy.


Now if you'll excuse me I'll be sitting in the corner denying that my little girl is growing up right in front of me.


Friday, 12 August 2016

This is what happens when you give me 3 days notice

So for anyone who read my last post you might think that was enough insanity for this week. Sadly there is no such thing as enough insanity in our household, so allow me to show you yet another moment that had me wanting to tear my hair out. 

Do I have any people in my audience who work for the Department of Education?? No need to out yourselves, especially after the rant I'm about to go on, but can this be passed on to the higher ups somewhere pretty please? I'm asking, no I'm begging you guys to stop organising dress up days at schools and kindergartens.

For anyone out there who thinks I'm just being a grinch right now, clearly you have never had the panic of being told THREE DAYS before a dress up event that your child is required to come to school/kindergarten this week dressed up as something from some random theme that there is no way in hell you have anything that relates to in your dress up box. Admittedly our dress up box is one fairy dress because Miss K really isn't into dressing up much, and she rarely wears the one costume she does own. She's just as happy putting on a pair of my shoes and pretending to be me. But when the theme of your dress up day is "Australian" it is difficult to put a national spin on a fairy dress. Short of teaming it with a pair of thongs (flip flops Americans, I know.) and a bottle of VB beer and going as a bogan fairy, I really struggled to come up with an idea. (For any non-Australians who don't know what a bogan is, please feel free to Google it.)

For any of you who aren't from Australia, you definitely have no idea what the heck I'm panicking about, so allow me to fill you in. Here in Australia we are about to celebrate book week starting on 20th August. I know this is about three months after you guys do, but we're always about a step behind so it's all good. This year the theme was Australian books/illustrators. I'm all for highlighting the local talent we have around here, especially for authors whose works I have enjoyed in the past like John Marsden, Paul Jennings, Andy Griffiths, and the wonderful Melina Mallos whose latest book I reviewed a few months ago. So for me that part was a big plus. The giant steaming bag of poop however was that I didn't find out until Monday of this week that we had to dress up on Thursday, and it had to fit the theme of book week. If I was any more fiscal than I actually am this wouldn't be a problem, I could just run down to the local shopping centre and find a costume. However given it is currently my off pay week, and any money I do have I've selfishly decided needs to be spent on food, this was not an option.

Luckily for me, this isn't my first rodeo. I have been given minimal notice of special occasions more than once by our kindergarten, despite the fact that we have a Facebook page and they have our email addresses so they can send out newsletters, so I know what it means to rush around like a headless chicken just so my child isn't left out of the fun. First I had to Google Australian children's books for inspiration and discovered to my joy that two of my favourite kids books are actually by Australians, Where is the Green Sheep and The Very Cranky Bear. My first thought was she could go as the green sheep, and just stay home and have a nap. (For any of you who haven't read Where is the Green Sheep and do not get my reference, please go out and find yourself a copy, it is a great book for kids, and it is so easy to read Miss K reads it to me nowadays.) But in the end I decided that would be too mean so we decided to dress Miss K up as the very cranky bear. I was able to do this with thanks to an empty egg carton, an old headband I had lying around and some icy pole sticks and toothpicks. It wasn't pretty by any means, and if Martha Stewart was grading me I'd get a C for effort and an F for enthusiasm. There is photographic evidence, just because this will look excellent on her photo board at her 21st, but that doesn't mean I can't share it now with you guys. I call this photos "This is what happens when you give me 3 days notice."

That's her best cranky bear face. Either that or she's impersonating the hunchback of Notre Dame, I really can't tell. 

Of course you look at the grin on her face in that picture and you realise she loves her costume, so I guess I can call it a win. What that photo does not show is the fact that one minute after the picture was taken the headpiece broke, so she ended up going to kindergarten with a bear nose. So my C for effort changed to an F.

The kindergarten very kindly told us that we didn't have to follow the theme if it was too hard. The only problem is they did it on Wednesday night after I had already spent an hour making this thing and I had no other alternative anyway so we went with cranky bear followed closely by her stressed and very cranky mum. I like to team with the theme you know. (Hats off to any Kath and Kim fans who read that in Kath's voice just now.)

So this is why I'm begging the powers that be to please stop making dress up days a part of the curriculum. You probably think you're doing something nice for the kids, breaking up the monotony that is learning, and giving them fun memories to carry on into their adulthood. What you don't see is the stressed out parents behind the scenes madly trying to figure out how to turn an old beer box and three empty tin cans into a cowboy outfit. We put enough pressure on ourselves to be perfect parents without you guys adding to that pressure by increasing our workload with all of these "fun" extra activities. 

Well that's all from me for now, there will definitely be more insanity to come soon, as I have so many more reasons to pull my hair out right now I'll be as bald as Bruce Willis before you know it. Is anyone interested in doing a reboot of GI Jane anytime soon because I'm sure I'll be a shoe-in for the lead. You'll even get my best crazy eyed stare for free. 

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

My child is an imaginary friend killer

So today I have to discuss my strangest parenting moment to date. This is so strange Google wasn't even able to help me. I'm sharing my story today in the hopes that if anyone else has come upon this problem you can come find me, bring me whiskey and we'll discuss how weird our children are together.  For any of you who follow me on Twitter, you may already know what I'm about to discuss because I mentioned it this morning, so you can just sit back while I fill you in on the rest of the story that I couldn't fit into 140 characters.

Miss K made some imaginary friends recently Mario and Baby Mario. These
friends have been named after Mario Kart for two reasons, 1. Miss K is absolutely nuts about Mario Kart on the Wii and 2. She is terrible at coming up for names for her toys and imaginary friends. I was first introduced to Mario and Baby Mario one night as I was getting Miss K ready for bed. She simply informed me that they were very tired and were also ready for bed. This was all fine, I probably made some small comment about them putting their pyjamas on and going to the toilet before bedtime (I don't like cleaning up wet mattresses during the night, not even imaginary ones).

Mario and Baby Mario made several guest appearances with us during the next few weeks, sometimes they'd show up while we were playing, or they'd accompany us to kindergarten, the usual imaginary friend stuff. I was never asked to lay extra places for them at dinner time, and they never asked for biscuits or snacks when Miss K was eating, so I have to commend them on their excellent manners.

One day while I was brushing Miss K's hair getting ready for kindergarten she started throwing one of her daily "I don't need my hair brushed today mum, I'm happy looking like a hobo" tantrums. Everything was going swimmingly until she started yelling at no one to STOP LOOKING AT HER!!!! I asked her who she was yelling at and she told me Mario and Baby Mario were staring at her while she cried. This has always been one of Miss K's buttons, and she's never liked having an audience when she is having a bad moment. We usually combat this by getting Miss K to remove herself from the audience until she is calmed down and ready to act reasonably. Unfortunately given the audience this time was all in Miss K's head, I had no solution at the ready, other than to tell her it's not nice to yell at her friends just because she's having a bad moment. I gave the usual lecture about treating our friends nicely, while wondering to myself that if Miss K is the one who controls the actions of her imaginary friends, why not just stop them from staring at her, or don't imagine them staring at her in the first place.

But today things took a turn for the bizarre. We had a bad morning today. Miss K was feeling tired and grumpy, she didn't want to put her own shoes on, she didn't want to carry her bag to the car, and she tried (unsuccessfully) to slam the door in my face when we were leaving the house. She rushed ahead of me to the car, and tried to open the door. Usually I unlock the door by remote so that she can run to the car and get in while I'm locking up, just to save time, but given her behaviour at the time I decided she needed a lesson in patience and controlling her temper, so I didn't unlock the door until I got to the car. This just resulted in Miss K getting embarrassed when the door didn't open immediately for her, and we got the fifth tantrum of the day. This tantrum included her throwing invisible things around as well as the usual stomping and other fun kid stuff I get to witness that no one else believes me when I say my kid does these things. I didn't pay much attention to the throwing at the time, but when we finally got into the car she informed me that her friends were dead. Clue the light bulb going off above my head as I realise her imaginary throwing was her chucking Mario and Baby Mario onto the road. When I asked her why she killed her friends she told me it was because she was sad. Cue the obligatory lecture about treating friends nicely when we're dealing with tough emotions and the extra lecture about if she isn't nice to her friends they won't stick around just to be abused. This again was weird because I'm still aware we're talking about figments of her imagination.

The big thing about Miss K killing her imaginary friends and then telling me about it was she was implying their deaths were my fault because I was the one who had embarrassed her by not opening her door, and by always ruining her life in general. Given I am not that easily manipulated her plan to make me feel bad for pulling her into line failed, but to add insult to injury I then used my super magic powers to bring her imaginary friends back to life, at which time I claimed them as my own imaginary friends, because people don't like hanging around with anyone who kills them, imaginary or not. So now, not only has she lost two friends, she has to hear about me bragging about all the awesome fun we have together that she is no longer privy to.

What gets me the most about all of this is that Google was totally unable to help me sort through everything I'm dealing with right now. 99% of the posts on imaginary friends told me that either my daughter has schizophrenia or she is possessed by demonic spirits. I highly doubt the first one, and considering I already call her my little hell beast I'm not totally surprised by the second one, but am still ruling it out as an explanation given how quick she was to dispose of them in the most Looney Tunes way possible. Is it just an unspoken rule of parenting that we're not meant to discuss when our children straight up murder the figments of their imagination? Are there underground support groups for mums who have had to hide imaginary bodies or field questions from imaginary police officers about the whereabouts of these suddenly missing imaginary friends? Are there imaginary milk cartons out there with photos of these people? Can I call the imaginary crime stoppers and report my daughter for this?

I've spoken to Miss K's dad about today's events and his only response has been to tell me she is most definitely my daughter, and to congratulate me for making new friends for myself. So no help whatsoever. He couldn't even give me the number of a good imaginary lawyer just in case we end up going to trial. I can't be held as an accessory to an imaginary crime, what will the neighbours think?

So I guess the purpose of today's post is to give other parents who are dealing with their children killing off their imaginary friends a different place to land that isn't going to tell them their child is possessed or mentally unstable. Can I offer you a solution to your problem? Probably not. I can't promise that my solution is really effective as I'm still waiting for the therapy bills to start piling up and that could take years, so consider this a work in progress. If any of you have come upon the same problem and solved it differently to me I'd love to know what you did and if it worked. Did they make new imaginary friends? Did they also kill these imaginary friends? Did they end up in imaginary jail with a cellmate called Big Daddy? Do I need to start daytime drinking?

Well that's all from my crazy corner of the world for now, I'm sure Miss K and I will be back to make you all feel better about your own families very soon.

Saturday, 23 July 2016

July Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another instalment of Fly on the Wall. This is by far my favourite time of the month. I get to share little stories and tid-bits you'd hear if you were a fly on the wall. Today I am joined by 8 other bloggers who are all sharing their innermost crazy. Be sure to buzz around and visit all of them.

Fly on the Wall

I'm going to warn you now that there is a lot  of toilet humor in today's post. I try to keep things as clean as possible around here, however sometimes life has a way of keeping things in the gutter when I'm around. If you are easily offended I'd look away now.

Mum: I think I'm hungry.
Me: Well let me know when you're sure.
Mum: Why? Are you going to do something about it?
Me: No, I'm just really invested in this story.

My little sister Kim is staying with us at the moment, and my favourite thing to do with her is turn everything she says into an innuendo. It bugs the hell out of her, but it's not my fault she's so filthy.

Me: I remember that pie I made that had the cod in it, I was pretty proud of that fish pie.
Kim: Oh I remember that. I loved eating your fish pie.
My cue to fall on the floor laughing.
Kim: Oh shut up.

Kim: Mum do you want your meat separated
My cue to fall on the floor laughing
Kim: Stop it. I'm just trying to figure out if mum wants her pork loins in twos.
I have to rush to the toilet to prevent having an accident on my couch.
Kim: I hate you.

Mum walked in to the room and started smacking me in the back of the head.
Me: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Mum: Oh sorry I'm just like Pavlov's dog. Whenever I see you I have to hit you.
Kim: Mum, it's not nice to call her Pavlov's dog.
Me: No, mum is Pavlov's dog. And for future reference it's called a Pavlovian response mum.
Kim: I know all about the pavlova response, I work in childcare.

Me: I'm a diverse person.
Mum: I thought you were about to say you're a diabetic.

Me: Mum do you have regrets?
Mum: I have a few, too few to mention.
Me: No, I'm being serious. Thanks a lot Frank Sinatra, I'm going to punch you in the nads when I next see you.

Me: Miss K have you eaten your dinner yet?
Miss K: I don't like it. I want a different dinner.
Me: Well this isn't a restaurant. You eat what I put in front of you or you go hungry.
Miss K: Well let's pretend this is a restaurant then and you make me something else.
Me: If this is a restaurant it's a soup kitchen, where you get what you're given or go hungry.
Miss K: I don't like this restaurant.

Mum: You're getting more and more anti-social as you get older.
Me: Yep I know. I love it.
Mum: I don't.
Me: When you think about it, I've spent fourteen years speaking on the phone to people I don't know or don't like.
Mum: I'm your mum.
Me: FOURTEEN YEARS MUM!

Miss K came up while I was surfing the web and started randomly mashing at my keyboard.
Me: Don't you even think about it miss.
Miss K: I'm going to think about it.

Earlier this month one of my dad's sons from his first marriage became a grandfather for the first time. This makes my dad a great-grandpa and me a great-aunt. This news disturbed me because I feel at 32 I'm way too young for this crap. However it does make for great conversations with the family.

Me: I found out today that dad is a great-grandpa.
Ben: Whose kid had kids?
Me: One of [older brothers] kids, not sure if it was [nephew 1] or [nephew 2].
Ben: That's crazy.
Me: Tell me about it. That makes you a great-uncle, and yet still so mediocre.
Ben: That's the pot calling the kettle black.

Me: This is freakin' weird.
Mum: What?
Me: I'm a great-aunt.
Mum: (laughs) Meh, you're ok...

Here is another in the wonderful series of Minecraft conversations which sound weird without context.

Eliza: I have a head. Where did that come from? Mum where are you, I have a head.

Miss K has been sick on and off with various viruses these past two months, but one night she woke up with weird swelling in her chin. I rushed her straight to our after hours medical service where we were prescribed antibiotics for an infection which had caused her glands to swell up like a balloon.

Dr: Now one of the side effects of this antibiotic is diarrhoea.
Me: Did you hear that Miss K? This medicine may give you runny poos.
Miss K: Runny poos in my neck?
I don't think the doctor appreciated that I laughed so hard at Miss K's shock.

Sadly for us, that visit to the doctor wasn't the end of the saga, and after going to my own GP for a second opinion we were told to rush to the local hospital as the swelling was an indication Miss K was forming an abscess in her neck. Miss K ended up spending three nights in hospital on IV antibiotics, and I spent three nights sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the ward next to her. but she took all of the poking, prodding and needles like an absolute trooper and on the fourth day we were finally allowed to go home. She's still on antibiotics for the time being, as there is still some swelling in her neck, but we've hopefully avoided surgery as long as her recovery continues as well as it has.

Conversation in a public toilet.
Miss K: Mum I did poos and wees.
Me: (Very aware that there is another person in the stalls with us) Yes I know you did now hurry up and finish.
Miss K: But there were lots of them.
Me: That's great. Are you done yet?
Cue the toilet next to us flushing and a woman comes out laughing.
Woman: It's ok, I have kids too.
Me: The conversations you have once you're a parent.

We had a federal election in Australia this month, and my sister Natalie decided to vote for the first time.
Nat: I have no idea who any of these people are or what they want. I remember watching some political show at dad's once and they kept talking about a cabinet, but they never once showed a picture of it. I couldn't understand what was so amazing about a stupid cabinet that they felt the need to discuss it for so long. What is this cabinet?
Me: It's the group of politicians which make up parliament. And you are one the people deciding who runs our country for the next few years.  I worry about you sometimes.

Natalie was temporarily promoted to room leader at the daycare centre she works at this month, but the promotion did not come without issues, and one of her co-workers quit suddenly, saying that she couldn't work with Natalie because she stressed her out, and now she was constipated.

Nat: I don't understand what her problem is, I looked at the roster and I only spent 3 hours and 20 minutes a day with her.
Me: Well apparently that's long enough for you to constipate someone.
Nat: Yeah. You better not spend more time than that with me otherwise you'll start having problems too.

Luckily for Natalie her bosses were able to see the humor in the situation, but Nat now has the reputation of constipating those who work around her.

Well that's it from our crazy part of the world, be sure to visit all the other bloggers joining in today, and I'll be back to share more fun again soon.

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