Wednesday, 8 July 2015

The one where I say everything about everything

It has been too long since I wrote to you guys. I decided to take the month off from my writing challenges because work has been crazy busy this past month, with having 20 cases going through Court in one week and then spending the next three weeks madly trying to catch up on everything we stopped doing just so we could shove these 20 matters through the system, and I'm now only a week behind on all of my work, so I'm starting to find my energy again. Yay me.

I have actually started several posts over the last three weeks, unfortunately each and every one of them has only gotten so far before I lost my enthusiasm, so they are all just sitting dormant in my list of posts waiting for me to come back and love them. I have decided to just come on now and drag several of them together into one larger post and just spew absolutely everything that has been in my head for the last few weeks out at you in one large go, to save wasting any more time agonising over when I'm actually going to post again.  So in no particular order, here are some of the things I've noticed happening in the world recently.

Victim shaming is still a thing
Now because I'm not actually in America and I get all of my news from over the ocean via click baits like the best people always do, I'm never sure whether what I'm reading really is as prevalent as the sensationalist news websites want me to think they are. But one theme that has come up time and time again is instances where girls are being made to cover their bodies up, for fear of exciting any men within a 3 mile radius. You're going to have to pardon my French here, but for once I don't really care if this is a really widespread thing. For this to have happened even just once pisses me off. I hate that women are once again being made responsible for the actions of men everywhere. Blaming victims of rape for the actions of their rapist is NOT ok. Ever. And to force women to cover their shoulders, or their knees, or their chests just to make sure they don't get raped is not good enough. It would be a better use of people's time and energy to teach people not to rape. But that's too difficult. It's easier to make women cover up than make men man up and treat young girls with respect. Of course I do not think that all men are rapists, that's just silly. It's just as silly as expecting women to control their bodies as well as the urges of the whole male population. When I was a teenager I could barely even control my own hair, let alone the behaviors and actions of any and all males I walked past. To expect this of our daughters now is as unfair as it has always been and it needs to stop.

America finally gave homosexuals the same rights as everyone else
Yay America! Congratulations you guys for recognizing that this needed to happen. Now if somebody could have a quiet word with the people who run my country, that would be great. Of course Australia has always been the younger sibling to you guys, we're always several steps behind, running madly in your wake just trying to keep up with our cooler big brother, so the fact that you guys have changed your laws can only mean that it is an inevitability down here too. I am very happy to say that the dialogue is already starting, and while it is still only on a small scale here, from little things big things grow. I was actually really excited that I was alive and old enough to understand the world around me when this change happened. To be there to watch history  happen is an amazing thing, and I hope that by the time Miss K is older and more aware of her world, the idea that homosexual people are not allowed to get married will be an outdated and ridiculous concept for her, just like the idea that people of different races being banned from marrying each other is outdated and ridiculous to me. Now I know that not everybody is happy with this history changing decision the Supreme Court has made, and the insults are flying thick and fast. This will change. It will take time, but it will become less and less as time goes by, so keep riding the storm people, you're doing great.

We're all going to die
I get a teensy bit tired of all the news posts that try to tell me the next big thing that is going to kill me, or my children, or my pets, or the entire world. It's usually always cancer, and it's always depressing as all hell. Well I've got a news flash for you guys, and just a warning, this is a huge spoiler, but we're all going to die. That may come as a surprise to some people, but none of us is immortal. Sometimes I think the fun part is discovering exactly what it is that gets us in the end. Right now I'm banking on lung cancer or emphysema being the bastard that sends me to my pine box, but it would be a delicious twist if I was struck down by an errant toilet seat falling out of a plane. Scientists will never find a cure for death, because overpopulation is a bad thing, and we need people to die. Mainly because you horny buggers won't stop having sex, which ultimately leads to more babies, and we're really running out of room already as it is. (Except in the centre of Australia. There's heaps of room there, so if you're feeling a bit cramped, and don't mind living somewhere that even most animals refuse to inhabit, come on down.) But the point is we all die. Our bodies are only built to survive for a finite amount of time, and we need to come to terms with this.

Phew, I feel better for having got all of that off my chest. I'm sure I've noticed other things that I'm forgetting about right now, but I have a comfy bed, and a chocolate bar calling my name, so I'm off to enjoy my night. Stay tuned my lovely readers, because the next time I appear out of the mist it will be to do one of my incredibly rare reviews, this time of an amazing product I've just discovered, and I can't wait to share it with you guys.

Saturday, 20 June 2015

June Fly on the Wall

Welcome again to another Fly on the Wall. This series is about sharing all the little things that we all do that are never enough on their own for a blog post, but tend to group together nicely in a post like this, just to show you that even the flies in our house are ashamed to know us.  Today 18 bloggers are participating in the challenge, and their links are written below.  Be sure to visit all of them, even if only to make you feel just a little bit better about how insane you are.             Baking In A Tornado        Spatulas on Parade           Follow me home              Menopausal Mother   Stacy Sews and Schools               Battered Hope                 Just A Little Nutty                          The Momisodes         Someone Else’s Genius                  Disneyland in Kentucky            Juicebox Confession                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                    Sanity Waiting to Happen           Southern Belle Charm                 The Sadder But Wiser Girl                         Go Mama O Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

My brother law was recently diagnosed as diabetic. I never knew just how inappropriate conversations about blood tests could be until we all decided to play with his new blood sugar tester.

Me: Did you prick me already? I didn't feel a thing.
Sam: That's what she said.

Me: You're going to have to prick me again, I got nothing out of that one.

Me: I'm getting nothing out of this one.
Jason: Squeeze it harder then.
*inappropriate giggling from every adult in the room*

Sam: I want Eliza to have a turn. Where's his little jabby thing?
*inappropriate giggling from me*
Sam: I said his LITTLE jabby thing.
Needless to say that didn't stop the giggling.

Me: Life is more like a soap opera than we realise. The only difference is we don't do the longing stares into the difference when things go wrong.
Mum: That is so true. I'm going to make it my life's mission now to do that stare into the distance whenever something goes wrong. Can I get some dramatic music too?

Kim and I were discussing recipes from our childhood with mum when we started talking about a recipe mum had when she was a kid. This is the conversation that ensued.

Mum: I was about to say I'd ask mum, but never mind*
Me: Did you really? Aww mum.
Kim: Hold on, let me get out the ouija board...0408
Me: Hang on, that's my number, I'm not dead yet, don't summon me!

*My grandma has been dead 25 years, which somehow makes mum's initial comment even sadder.

Nat: I had to get the dinner cart downstairs to the kids at work the other day, but I hate taking the elevator, so I stuck the dinner cart on the elevator, pushed the button then raced the elevator down the stairs. Unfortunately I got halfway down the stairs and forgot what I was doing, so I just went back to my room and left the cart to ride the elevator. It could have ended up in the basement if my room leader hadn't got it for me.

Me: Did you know that strawberry flavouring comes from beaver secretions, from their scent gland.
Nat: Really? I have strawberry flavoured lip gloss.
Me: Oh. Well then, enjoy putting your beaver secretions on your lips.

Me: I feel it is inappropriate to break into 1980's songs when yelling at the children.

The court house in the town I work in has a massive circuit every three months, and all the local people going through the family law courts can have their matters heard in the area. It saves everyone having to travel an hour and a half to the next closest family law courts. The joys of living in a rural area. The latest circuit just happened this last week, and we had thirty matters going through the court in one week. Most of them happened in the first day so I had to help my boss get the case files for about 25 matters to the court house, which is half a block away from our office, so we walked the files down. I was carrying about 20 kilos worth of paperwork the whole trip, then we got to the court house and found that they were doing security scans at the front door, which meant that entry was in single file, and the queue to enter was the length of the building. Needless to say by the time we got the files into the court room my arms and legs were like jelly. The sore muscles I ended up with lasted another three days. The pain ended up so bad Miss K had to pull me up the stairs into my sister's house when I went to pick her up at night. I'm now going to request we get office skate boards before next circuit. The added bonus is I will look mega cool when I ride it down to the cafe every week to pick up our milk.

Miss K has fortnightly speech therapy sessions in a nearby town. This is a conversation she has with our therapist every single week. You would think the woman would learn by now she needs to rephrase this question.

Chloe: What is this girl doing?
Miss K: She's eating a burger.
Chloe: And where is she eating the burger?
Miss K: (pointing to the picture) Right there.

Well that's all from me for this month, be sure to buzz back again next month for another installment of crazy.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

June Use Your Words - The Stranger

Welcome again to another Use Your Words. In this blog challenge fourteen brave bloggers have swapped words with eachother. We all need to write something based on what words we have been given. The hitch is none of us knew who got our words, or what direction they will take them in.  Below is a list of all the bloggers participating in the challenge this month.  Be sure to visit them all and share the love around.          Baking In A Tornado     Spatulas on Parade     The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                        The Momisodes               Sparkly Poetic Weirdo Eileen’s Perpetually Busy              Battered Hope          Southern Belle Charm         Someone Else’s Genius             Confessions of a part-time working mom          Climaxed                     Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

This month my words are:

strange ~ the world was different ~ passengers ~ flaw ~ she blinked

And they were submitted by the amazing Robin at Someone Else's Genius 

The train was running late. She wasn't upset about this because she was also running late. The delay caused by the train gave her a chance to catch her breath. She always seemed to be running late these days, her once polished life having given way to chaos. Life wasn't meant to be this way she thought for the millionth time.  

She was interrupted from her thoughts by the arrival of the train. She shuffled through the doors and into the aisles with the rest of the passengers. Slowly she made her way through the carriage until she found an empty seat. Settling down in her chair she prepared for the two hour long journey. Leaning back in her chair she allowed her thoughts to wander again, back to that fateful day two weeks ago that had flipped her world upside down. 

It had started as a normal day, she'd gotten up early, done her daily yoga routine then settled into her arm chair to read the paper. She loved her morning routine, and got pretty cranky if she couldn't do it exactly the same way each morning. Little did she know that at that moment, her mornings would never be the same again. She flipped quickly past all the doom and gloom in the front pages and turned straight to the personals column. She loved reading the lost connection section every day, seeing the desperate and hopeful turning to the local rag in the hopes of finding the answer to their what ifs. As she read through the ads however, one connection in particular caught her eye.

"To the brunette beauty sitting in her armchair reading this right now. You've just finished your yoga, and you're now drinking an herbal tea out of your green mug. I have had the privilege of watching you for two weeks perform your daily routine, and you are perfection. Your only flaw is that you do not know I exist, and now I must return to the city without ever having had the courage to learn your name. If you want to help me rectify this, come to the city on the 24th of this month. I'll be at the city station waiting for you on platform 4. You will know it is me because I will be holding a mug identical to the one you hold in your hand right now. Please help me fix the worst mistake of my life, and let me get to know you."

She blinked and stared down at the green mug she was indeed holding in her hand. Had someone really been watching her all this time? She was repulsed and curious at the same time. Her mind raced with questions. Could the ad really be about her? Was there really someone out there who wanted to meet her? Was she going to head to the city to find out? Quickly she looked at the top of the page to check the date. It was the 10th. She had fourteen days to decide whether or not to do something impulsive and crazy, or pretend she had never read the ad at all, and go back to life as usual. Unfortunately for her it was too late for that, she looked around her tiny apartment, and already could see that now, the world was different, and possibly would never be the same ever again. 

The next two weeks dragged by. She changed her mind a million times, back and forth between the two choices until she was dizzy with indecision. In the end her curiosity won out, and she bought a train ticket two days before the 24th, during a moment of bravery. Now she was sitting on the train, heading to the city and regretting her rashness. What if he was ugly, or boring, or worse, a murderer? What if he wasn't really talking to her, what if there was another woman in her town who did yoga then drank herbal tea every morning? All these thoughts flew through her mind over the two hour trip into the city. She was almost relieved when the train arrived at its final destination, until she remembered why she was actually there, and the terror kicked in. She milled out of the train behind everyone else and stood still. She began to scan the people rushing to their next destination, searching for a man holding a green mug. 

Then suddenly like something out of a movie, the crowds parted, and standing in the middle of platform 4 was a tall gentleman holding a green mug. He had kind eyes and a nervous smile on his face, as he scanned the crowd looking for his yoga loving mystery woman. Their eyes met, and the world stopped for a second. She was relieved to find, the strange person who had been watching her in secret certainly wasn't ugly. "As for the boring or the murderer," she thought, "there's only one way to find out."

Saturday, 6 June 2015

June Secret Subject Swap - Mother Nature

Welcome one and all to the June episode of Secret Subject Swap.  Today 16 brave bloggers are swapping subjects with eachother, and then posting simultaneously. None of us know who got our subject, so it's a fun ride for everyone involved.  Below is a list of the participating bloggers, as always be sure to visit everyone, and share the love around.         Baking In A Tornado    The Bergham’s Life Chronicles       Spatulas on Parade                     Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                           The Momisodes                Sparkly Poetic Weirdo                          The Lieber Family               Battered Hope         Southern Belle Charm        Someone Else’s Genius           Confessions of a part-time working mom                   Small Talk Mama            Climaxed

So today my prompt is So you get to be "Mother Nature" for the day, what's on your To Do List? and it was submitted by the lovely Shawnna from Small Talk Mama.

Wanted: motivated go-getter for newly available management position. You must have the ability to multi-task, and the willingness to ride the storm.  Nature lovers welcome.

I circled the add then dialed the number given at the bottom. A cheerful sounding woman asked me a few basic questions, then invited me to meet up with her for an interview the next day. I hung up the phone with a knot of nerves slowly growing in my stomach. I'd been feeling for a while now that I needed a change of scenery, and I was hopeful that a new job was just the ticket. 

I put my best work attire on the next day, and made my way to the cafe I was directed to the day before. I was surprised when I entered to find the only other customer in the room was a tall olive skinned woman in a purple flowing summer dress. I assumed I was really early until she walked over to me, with her arm outstretched.

"You must be my prospective replacement" she said with a warm smile. Suddenly I felt incredibly overdressed. We sat down at a small table in the corner of the cafe and she began to speak. 

"First of all let me tell you what your new job is going to involve. You're going to be mother nature for the day." 

I thought she was being metaphoric, or at the very least funny, but when her expression didn't change, I became confused.
"Excuse me?" I managed to squeak out

"Mother Nature. You know, Mother Earth, Gaia, the woman behind all of nature? I need you to be her for a day so that I can have a day off."

"Mother Nature gets days off?" I asked

"Ah, yeah, of course she does. Or at least I'm hoping she can, because I am incredibly burnt out right now, and I need a day of not worrying about monsoons and tides and balance. And that's where you come in. Now can I count on you?"

I was certain I was being pranked at that stage, but a quick scan around the room showed no hidden cameras, and given that I could come up with no good reason why I could say no, I nodded mutely. With that she jumped up, her grin widening. 

"Great. Smart decision. I'll see you at midnight tonight."
"Midnight? Why so early?"
"Because that's when the day begins. Don't worry, it won't take you too long to pick up the system, besides it's only for a day. What's the worst you can do?"

I left the cafe in a daze, still not entirely convinced this wasn't an elaborate prank. However just in case it was real, and I was running the risk of breaking nature I arrived the address she gave me fifteen minutes early. I knocked on the door, and she opened it, still wearing the same purple robe I'd seen her in fourteen hours earlier. 

"You're early, that's great" she said smiling. "Come on in and I'll show you around. Here's the kitchen, it's fully stocked, so help yourself. Amenities are over there, and here is your work station."

I looked where she was pointing and saw a small laptop sitting on a coffee table. It seemed so modern I just stood there staring for a few seconds. Noticing my shock Gaia smiled.
"You were expecting something more mystical weren't you?"
"Well yeah, a globe at least."
"Honey globes are so last century, we like to keep up with the times around here. Go on, take a seat."

I sat down on the couch and noticed a map of the world on the screen.
"You control the weather using Google Maps?" I asked incredulously.
"Well, yeah, but this isn't the publicly available one, I had a special plug in designed for me. Go ahead, take a look."

I checked the screen again, and noticed the task bar had several unusual buttons, rain, snow, typhoon, earthquake, spawn and sun, to name  just a few. 

"So how does this work?" I asked
"It's a basic point and click interface. You choose the location, choose the weather and click go."
"what about that spawn button?"
"That's for creating life. Be careful with that one, because the last temp I had in accidentally caused a rat plague, which ended up leading to the Black Death and nearly the end of civilisation as we knew it." 
"Anything else I need to know?"
"Yeah one other thing. There's only a finite amount of water on earth. The one thing I can't do is make more water, so if you go too crazy with that one, you could end up causing a drought somewhere else. Trust me, I learned that the hard way. The centre of Australia wasn't always quite so red."

With that she grabbed her suitcase and walked towards the door. She promised to be back by midnight the next evening and left me to it.  I slowly sat back down on the couch and started playing around with the map. I clicked the search feature and started typing in addresses of people I knew. I spent the first fifteen minutes stalking friends, but given it was so late at night, there really wasn't much to see. Then I had an idea. I searched for the Great Barrier Reef, and had a look around. I remembered reading somewhere that the reef was dying, the coral wasn't coping with global warming or something, so I figured I could try to do something about it. I clicked the spawn button, then went through the drop down menu until I found the list of corals. I clicked randomly on several different species then clicked spawn a couple of times. Couldn't hurt I figured. Plus it might give the environmentalists one less thing to worry about for now. Next I found the bees. I knew that the latest panic had been the decline of the bee population in the world, so I decided to spawn them in several places over the world. Again, what was the worst that could happen. 

I kept fiddling with different things, I caused a slight earthquake in Russia, to pay back the spammers who kept trying to hack my blog, and a second one in Nigeria, just as a warning to all the "princes" there who kept emailing me. By this time it was about 9am and I was getting the hang of it, but it was pretty monotonous. I decided to have a little bit of fun with my new found power and located Miss K's dad's house on the map. Then I clicked the rain button, selected his house as the location and hit go. It did look pretty funny his house being the only one in the neighbourhood getting any rain. 

An email came through so I clicked on it and found a request for snow in Vancouver from a small child. He wanted a day off school the next day, and was hoping I could help. I found Vancouver on the map and made it snow there. Being so unfamiliar with the imperial measurement I accidentally set it to snow 30 inches instead of 30 centimetres, but I couldn't figure out how to undo that one, so I just sent an email back to the small boy telling him to enjoy his snow, and maybe go out for some supplies before it was too late. 

By this time a second email had come through from a surfer in California requesting "kick ass waves" that day, as he had a date with his girlfriend and wanted to impress her with his surfing skills. I selected California on the map and hit wind, figuring that was how waves were made. While trying to figure it out, I accidentally ended up sending a hurricane to the coast, and again, couldn't figure out how to fix it, so I sent an email back telling him to avoid the beach that day, and perhaps try to head inland a little bit, just to be on the safe side. 

I was still playing around when I got a text. I checked my phone to find Miss K's dad had texted me, telling me something funky was going on in Melbourne, as it had been raining at his house for two hours now, but nowhere else. His back yard was starting to flood, and his mum's vegetable patch was destroyed. I rushed the map back over to his house and tried to stop the rain, but accidentally sent a thunderstorm there instead. So I sent a text back to him telling him to put on some gumboots and send me a text if he survived the next twelve hours.

The rest of the day went slightly smoother, mainly because I stopped answering emails and ended up spying on different countries. If somewhere looked too dry I'd send them a little rain, if somewhere looked too wet I'd send them some sunshine. By the time midnight rolled around I was absolutely exhausted, so you can imagine my relief when I heard the front door open. In walked Gaia with the same sunny smile on her face she always seemed to wear.

"How did it go?" she asked me
"I understand why you needed a holiday" I replied smoothing my clothes down. "Speaking of which, the next time you need a break, please feel free to call someone else."

With that I walked towards the door, but before I left I felt I needed to say something else.
"If you feel that you absolutely must, there's a storm raging over a house in the suburbs that's been going for a little while now, it may not be a big deal, but you might want to turn it off."

So while it's not something I could ever put on the resume, I certainly won't forget the day I became Mother Nature. I can certainly tell you that nature is not for the weak. 

Monday, 25 May 2015

Nurturing creativity

Hello again my lovely readers, I'm here today to discuss art with you. Not just art, but kids art. This is a subject which is really important for me, because art plays a huge part in our lives. I'm sure this isn't unusual, who doesn't love seeing walls filled with beautiful pictures? It just happens that most of the art that decorates our walls was made by someone who still can't cross the road without someone holding their hand.

Now I personally have no talent when you give me a pencil or a paintbrush. I've dabbled in the past, but one of my largest regrets is that I don't have whatever it is that artists are born with that makes them great. It stung even more when I was a teenager because my best friend in high school had that natural ability, and I would spend hours just watching her scratch at a piece of paper, and end up creating something amazing. One of her murals is still being used to decorate a telegraph pole not far from my home, and I'm always proud to be able to say I know the person who created something so beautiful at the young age of 17. My friend has also been lucky enough to turn her talent into a career for herself, so she gets to spend every day making beauty. What more could a person ask for?

One of my wishes for Miss K is the ability to create such beauty. I know natural talent is something you can't force, but you can encourage and nurture even the smallest glimmer of ability, to help turn it into something amazing. Which is why Miss K picked up her first paintbrush at the tender age of 5 months.
An artist in the making, complete with paint smudges on the face.

I've always encouraged Miss K to love art, and to this day it's one of the only times I can get her to sit still for more than 2 minutes at a time. One of her favourite pastimes is when I help her discover a new way to create pictures. She's done marbling, worked with washi tape, made collages out of leaves and sticks, and has a collection of pens and pencils that any child would envy (with thanks in no small part to the amount of stationery mum brings home from work on a daily basis).  This love of creating has helped her greatly at kindergarten, and I'm always being sent home huge bundles of art projects that she's completed while I'm at work.

This is great for me, in several respects. Mainly because I get a record of what Miss K does while I'm off being an adult, but also because it shows me that art is just as important to Miss K's kindergarten teacher as it is to me. It's such an important part of Miss K's education I've already selected her future schools based on their attention to art education in relation to all other areas of their learning framework. 

Miss K's marble art still sits on our fridge.

Part of my desire to encourage her creativity comes from all the setbacks Miss K has had in her short four years. Developmentally she always seemed to be at a disadvantage, lagging 6 months behind every other child we ever saw. Giving her this outlet gave her a chance to just be like every other kid, even for just a few minutes. When she was drawing, it didn't matter that her eyesight wasn't brilliant, that she couldn't talk the way she was meant to, you wouldn't even know she had the attention span of a gnat when she sat down to draw. All that mattered was the making. It gave her a chance to feel pride, and accomplishment when she completed a picture. It also helped with her development. Learning how to hold a pencil gave her fine motor skills a healthy workout, teaching her how to name the parts of the body she had just drawn helped with her language skills, and her cognitive skills were improved too, which is super important. Art for children is an education in and of itself, and one where they don't even realise they are constantly learning. 

One of Miss K's most recent works of art tell me I made the right decision. One day we were slobbing around the house and mum gave her a giant art folio to scribble in. The week previously Miss K had been learning about the ocean in kindergarten, so she used the knowledge she had gained in her kindergarten class to draw me a picture of a shark.

Miss K's version of a shark. It kind of looks a bit like the Family Guy version of the shark from Jaws, but I love him anyway...

This was a major step for Miss K because before then, we had no idea whether she was gaining anything from her time at kindergarten, because she is so tight lipped about what goes on when I'm not around. But for the first time she wanted to share part of her that I never get to see, and she did it with art. As you can see that picture has pride of place on a wall in our lounge room, and every time I look at it I smile. It's still definitely a drawing done by a four year old, and I bet if I hadn't told you it was a shark you'd guess a slug or just random scribbles, but knowing this little girl as I do, I can see a perfect little shark right there on my wall. 

And I think that is the most important part of art, for me anyway. A lot of people don't realise this, but art is a form of communication not unlike music. You take your heart and soul and pour it onto a canvas, or a piece of paper, and you are left with a permanent record of yourself. You may have drawn a tree, or a person, or written a song about a hamburger, but there is always a little piece of you in everything you create. For someone like Miss K who still struggles to put most of her thoughts into words, this is an absolutely vital outlet. We've used drawings to help discover her feelings, find out what's making her happy, what's making her grumpy, and I've even used it to let her know when I'm happy or grumpy. We've fought through art, we've laughed through art, and we've grown closer through art, which sounds incredibly crunchy but I swear it's the truth. 

This post has been brought to you today in collaboration with Invaluable Invaluable is an advocate of all forms of art, whether it be classic fine art or youth paintings.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

May Fly on the Wall - Oh the Insanity

Welcome one and all to another installment of Fly on the Wall. The series where you get to find out what it would be like to be a fly on the walls in 17 blogger's homes. Below is a list of all the other bloggers participating this month. Be sure to visit them all to see even more craziness than I'm about to present to you.                   Baking In A Tornado                 Spatulas on Parade                  Follow me home                      Menopausal Mother           Stacy Sews and Schools                         Battered Hope                           Just A Little Nutty                                      The Momisodes                   Someone Else’s Genius                             Disneyland in Kentucky                                 Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                     Juicebox Confession         Eileen’s Perpetually Busy                    Southern Belle Charm                              Sanity Waiting to Happen People Don’t Eat Enough Fudge

Discussing a bag of melted chocolate malt balls with mum

Mum: It's all melted together. It's going to turn into...what's his name? Gorilla.
Me: Gorilla?
Mum: No, gorilla's not right, I mean Godzilla.

Mum to Miss K
That's not an answer, it's a nod. In a cup.

Me: I got spanked by a tram :(
Side note I actually did get hit by a slow moving tram, while trying to cross a road. Don't worry I wasn't hurt, he hit me in the caboose, so the extra padding there kept me safe.

Mum: So what is whole foods, other than not halved foods?

Sympathy from mum always makes a situation better. Too bad I never get any...

Miss K made a vase for me for Mother's Day, but it was meant to be a surprise. This conversation happened after watching a kids show where the presenter made a vase out of a plastic bottle.
Me: I love that vase, it's so pretty. Someone should make me a vase so I have somewhere pretty to put flowers...
Miss K: No, I'll just sit here, you make your own vase.

Miss K and I were lying in bed one morning waiting for the alarm to go off when this conversation happened.
Miss K: I'm going to be mum. Miss K, go back to sleep.
Me: No, I want a drink and bikky
Miss K: Here have Elmo. Now shush, I'm trying to sleep. (I don't know whether to be offended or impressed that she nailed it so perfectly)

Me: Look at that idiot speeding through a car park. Don't these things have speed limits?
Mum: Sometimes, but it's hard to enforce because they're private property and not roads.
Me: Could I make a citizen's arrest?
Mum: You're welcome to try.
Me: I've always wanted to make a citizen's arrest. Maybe it should go on my bucket list. Right after star in a music video.

An ad for Magic Mike XXL came on telly one night. This is the conversation that happened after.
Mum: Magic Mike 21? What?
Me: Did you seriously just read that as a roman numeral?
Mum: Well what does it mean then?
Me: It means extra, extra large.
Mum: Oh yeah. L isn't even the roman numeral for one...

My breasts have a mind of their own. And the ability to use technology.

Miss K and I went to visit my best friend for the afternoon this month. This conversation isn't even one of the most awkward ones we've had in his presence.
Miss K: Can I take my pants off please?
Me: No, leave them on, we're not at home right now.
Miss K: I'm going to take them off...
Me: For God's sake Miss K put those pants back on right now.

During that same visit, my best friend fell asleep on the couch. This happens on occasion, and it gives me the perfect opportunity to mess with Miss K, and wake him up at the same time.
Miss K: Mum, Frankie's asleep.
Me: Is he? Awesome, I'm going to give him a wet willy
Miss K: No, don't.
Me: Well then, I'm going to give him a noogie.
Miss K: NO!
Me: Well can I give him a wedgie then?
Miss K: Mum, just stop!
Me: That's it, I'm gonna do it.
No one can sleep through an air raid siren.

So one of Miss K's many speech impediments means she can't say the word very. It always comes out as hairy, no matter how much I correct her. So I decided to have some fun one day.

Me: Miss K, can you say very balls?
Miss K: Hairy balls.
Me: Good girl. Now go tell grandma very balls.
20 seconds later I hear mum laughing in the kitchen before telling me off.

Miss K was throwing a tantrum in the back yard last week, and she started to walk stiff legged while ranting.
Me: What's wrong with your legs?
Miss K: They're boring.

This is why my dad no longer discusses cars with me. I can never take the conversation seriously.

And the winner for the weirdest sentence I have heard all month:-

Ben to Nat: You like penis because your nose is really smooth right now.

And now for some context, he was discussing Auslan, where the sign for penis is a downward stroke of the nose. Why Nat's nose was smooth never was explained to me, so even with context that is still a weird sentence.

Well that's about all the crazy I can fit into one blog post, be sure to visit everyone else and enjoy the show.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

May Use your Words - The Fussiest of them All

Hello again people, it's time for another installment of Use Your Words! For any of you who are unfamiliar with this series, 15 brave bloggers have swapped words with each other. Our task is to make a post out of the words we are given. Today we are simultaneously publishing what we've all come up with. Below is a list of all the other bloggers participating, so be sure to visit them all.            Baking In A Tornado          Spatulas on Parade        The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                              The Momisodes   Stacy Sews and Schools                  Sparkly Poetic Weirdo Eileen’s Perpetually Busy                  Battered Hope            Southern Belle Charm           Someone Else’s Genius                 Confessions of a part-time working mom            Climaxed    Evil Joy Speaks                             Disneyland in Kentucky

So today the words I must use are angel ~ levitate ~ unicorn ~ proud ~ portion and they were given to me by the wonderful Jules over at The Bergham's Life Chronicles.

So for any of you who have had to deal with the finicky tastes of a pre-schooler, you'll understand today's post. My lovely four year old daughter is without a doubt one of the fussiest eaters I have ever met. I know kids are famous for their suspicion of any food that isn't deep fried and packed full of sugar and preservatives, but I always hoped my kids would be different. I might as well have hoped to give birth to a unicorn...

The list of foods Miss K won't eat includes but isn't limited to peas, meat of any kind that isn't a hot dog, carrots, dim sims, soup, beans, pumpkin, potato unless it's chips from a take away store (and don't bother trying to tell her that chips are made from potatoes, she knows you're lying). pears, strawberries, yoghurt with lumps of fruit in it, anything with lumps in it really, fish, baked beans, pizza, the list just goes on and on. I have struggled with Miss K's eating habits ever since she was a baby. She took to pureed foods like a champion, and I always though we'd just breeze through the whole introducing solids thing, until it came to introducing slightly chunky foods, then we hit our first stumbling block. It has all been downhill from there and every new food I try to introduce is a massive battle. 

Of course I can't lump all the blame on Miss K for this one, I'm not proud to admit it, but when faced with the choice of having to don full armor every meal time, or giving in to the screaming child, I have on occasion just thrown up my hands and let her eat jam sandwiches for the sake of my own ear drums, so I'm as much to blame for this fussiness, and the problems that come with it. 

As you can imagine, this pickiness affects every part of life imaginable. Eating out at restaurants is a nightmare, because unless they serve a kids portion of chips, she just won't eat. Then there are the issues a limited diet causes a person's body. Without going into too many gross and horrifying details I've had to google impacted poo before, and it wasn't just for the lolz. I was beginning to think that it would be easier to learn how to levitate than get my little miss to eat anything even remotely healthy. 

So recently I've decided it's time to tackle this problem head on. Miss K and I sat down and had a good talk about the issues we are having at the moment, and I explained how she needed to start experimenting with new, healthier foods for the sake of her own digestive system, as well as my sanity. I've started giving her a horrible looking potion we call "poo juice" which is really just watered down prune juice, which I occasionally mix paraffin oil into (giving it a look totally befitting its name) and she loves it. She begs me daily for more poo juice. But the drink on its own wasn't going to cut it, she had to start learning to eat better, and this week it seems we've turned a corner.

The first night we started trying new foods she ate tomato. The second night she ate roast beef AND squash, and tonight she ate cauliflower soup. I could swear I heard an angel choir singing at dinner time every night this week, and the relief is so immense I feel like I'm about 100 pounds lighter. I know this doesn't mean that all our problems are instantly solved, and if my googling has shown me anything, we've still got a loooong way to go before every problem fussy eating (and a lazy mum) have piled on us are gone, but we've made huge steps in the last week, so armed with a disgustingly named magic drink, and a slightly more willing child, I feel this is just another of those mum jobs I'm finally learning to tackle. 
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