Friday, 28 August 2015

What Parenting Means

So the other week while working at a craft stall with a good friend of mine, we had a heavily pregnant woman come and sit down at our table to make a card. Some gentle probing later we discovered she was about a week away from popping. We decided this was a perfect time to terrorise the poor woman by telling her exactly what being a parent meant, right when it's too late for her to back out. Of course it was all in good fun, and we didn't reveal any of the real horrible truths (we like to leave some mystery for new mums). But it has been on my mind a bit since that weekend. The word parent is universal, and while customs and traditions can vary from person to person, there are some things that stay the same no matter whether you live in an igloo in Antarctica (do people really do this?) or a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. So as a handy guide for anyone who is thinking of being a parent, or for those of you who are already parents, and just want a reminder of why you're not going back for a second (or third) I present the following.

  1. Putting yourself last. Forever, and ever, and ever.
  2. Never getting to blow out the candles on another birthday cake. And forget about unwrapping your own presents. That job now belongs to your children.
  3. Being woken up by a tennis racket to the face (seriously)
  4. Acting like you know exactly what you're doing, despite the fact that inside your head you're screaming as loud as the baby is right now.
  5. Boring all of your friends with all of the super adorable things your little one did in the few hours since you last spoke to them.
  6. Using your clothes as a tissue or napkin for someone else.
  7. Catching vomit in your hands.
  8. Eating baby foods to find out exactly why your darling one is spitting it out. (Hint, it's because it tastes like butt. You'll find this out the hard way.)
  9. Having someone new to blame any time you break wind in company. (This one only works until they learn to speak.)
  10. Having your heart explode with pride and love every time they do something new. It never gets old.
  11. Having a deep seated hatred for toys that need batteries to work.
  12. Watching the same movie twice in one day because it's their absolute favourite and they'll scream the house down if you don't let them watch it again.
  13. Ice cold feet pressed into your back when they sneak in to sleep with you at 3 in the morning. 
  14. Waking up to a little person sitting on your head, because they're hungry and you're being boring by sleeping right now.
  15. Discovering that toy makers hate you, I mean really hate you, by making you build every darn thing you ever buy for your child. It seriously took me over an hour to put Miss K's bouncer together when she was a baby. I'm not a stupid person, but that thing needed an engineering degree just to assemble four parts. And don't even get me started on her bike.
  16. Spending the day convinced that you have given birth to the spawn of Satan, only to forget every horrible thing they did that day the minute you see them sleeping like an angel.
  17. Feeling like the worst person in the world every time you have to discipline them. 
  18. Spending the first four years of their life complaining that they are so needy, only to realise that was only temporary, then spending the next few years panicking that one day your kids aren't going to need you any more. 
  19. Feeling like your heart is going to break in half every time you see them growing up right before your eyes.
  20. Being someone's super hero, simply because you were able to fix a slightly broken toy.
  21. Hating yourself the minute they realise you aren't a super hero, and are in fact (gasp) human.
  22. Being a policeman, chef, maid, clown, magician, chauffeur, referee, cheerleader, hostage negotiator, and anything else you need to be just to keep your house running.
  23. Looking at every other parent you ever see and wondering how they can possibly have it all together like that. (Little hint, they don't, they're just as confused as you are.)
  24. Hour upon hour spent worrying about things that once upon a time you never though worth your time. 
  25. Lying awake at night convinced that today was the day you screwed up your child. 
  26. Finding yourself singing the theme song to your child's latest favourite TV show, while in public.
  27. Apologizing to a million strangers because your child walks like a drunk old man, and keeps crashing into everyone they find.
  28. Feeling mortified the first time your child swears. Bonus horror if it happens in public. 
  29. Months spent carrying your sleeping child to the toilet because if you have to wash one more pee soaked sheet you are going to lose your mind.
  30. Discovering exactly how fierce you can truly be the first time someone hurts your precious little one. You're normally a placid person, but right now you could cut a b***h.
  31. Feeling a mixture of pride and revulsion the first time you realise babies are capable of farting like full grown men after a meal of baked beans.
  32. Endless games of "What is that mysterious smudge on my new shirt?"
  33. Dancing like a one legged man in a butt kicking contest all around your living room because it makes your child squeal with laughter.
  34. Feeling like you've lost a part of yourself the first time they spend a night away from home.
  35. Rediscovering the joy of jumping out at someone as they come around a corner. This one never gets old with kids around.
  36. The joy of hearing your kid tell you that you're the best mum/dad in the world. 
  37. Bony elbows, knees, backsides, all in your internal organs. You wouldn't believe something that chubby and squishable is really able to inflict immense pain with one well placed limb.
  38. Being able to heal all boo-boos with a kiss.
  39. Having to wait until your child has been kissed, cuddled and questioned before any adult will speak to you ever again. 
And finally...

  40.  Loving someone, and being loved more fiercely than you ever thought possible.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Product Review - Magnetricks

Hello again my lovely readers, I am back again to share more joy with the people. This post is actually a long time in the making, mainly because I tried really, really hard to get professional looking pictures, but given that I am *not* a photographer, and my biggest skill is basic editing in Photoshop, it took me forever to get anything even remotely good enough to do this post justice.

Now today I am going to do a very rare product review. As you guys know, I don't do a lot of these, because I don't want this blog to become a giant billboard. But every now and again an offer comes along that I cannot pass up, because I really feel it is a great product that needs to be shared. This is one such product. I was recently contacted by an amazing woman who has started her own business despite being a single mum to TWO kids under the age of five. I'm not sure if she's a genius or slightly mad, either way the products she sells are amazing, and I am honoured to have been asked to share them with you.

So today I am reviewing a product called Magnetricks. Michelle started making magnetic routine charts and reward charts for her children as a way to help maintain a proper routine etc, and was soon encouraged by friends and family to start marketing them for other mums and teachers trying to find a less wasteful way to manage the day to day routines.

So we were given two sets of magnets to check out and review, one was a reward chart in the shape of a race track (because thanks to Mario Kart Miss K is racing car crazy right now), and the other was a set of magnetic shapes, designed to teach children about shapes and geometry, as well as being heaps of fun.

I decided to use the reward chart in an attempt to get Miss K to start listening more. We're having a real struggle with her ignoring direct requests, or even using sass towards adults telling her to do her chores. I wanted to squash any feelings of entitlement she was developing, as we don't work that way in this house, all good things are earned, and one way to earn in this house is by being respectful. So the day the magnets arrived, Miss K and I sat down and I explained that every day that she showed that she could listen to all of the adults who care for her during the week, she'd get a new race car for her track. By the end of the 8 days she had managed to gain all of her 8 cars, and as a reward I took her for her first trip to the library. She was so excited to get to go and see all the books, and we even borrowed her very first book.

So the reward chart was a total success. I've tried reward charts in the past with minimal success, so I wasn't sure if we'd have much luck this time around, but she really responded to the magnetic cars, and the fact that I'd let her race each new car around the track when she earned it was always a treat. The colours are lovely and vibrant, so very pleasing to the eye, and they were a good size for little hands. I was also able to put the yet to be earned magnets higher on the fridge so she could still see them, and see how close she was to earning all of her cars, so that was a good incentive too. The beautiful thing about using magnets is that the reward chart is completely reusable. If I wanted to I could go back and do another week of concentrated listening, or I can use any of the other 8 options that come with the reward chart. It even includes two blank magnets so you can come up with your own behaviour you want to practice. The only issue I can see with that is that the pictures on the magnets are printed on glossy paper, so the blank is a one time use only, as any markers you draw on it with will not come off, and trying to clean the magnets will destroy the printed image. However I think you could make it reusable by covering it with clear contact, or another type of plastic/acetate adhered to the top of it, so that's always a good option.  The Magnetricks website even includes a post which helps you to get the most out of your reward charts, with handy tips and tricks you can use to get the most out of any effort to teach a new behaviour, or correct an old bad habit.

Just some of the behaviors you may wish to modify as a stressed parent.

The other magnetic product we had to play with was the shapes. This set came with 43 magnets in 7 different shapes and various sizes to play with. Miss K and I both had a lot of fun playing with these magnets and trying to come up with different pictures we could build using the shapes.

These are great for encouraging imaginative play, and I was amazed at the different pictures Miss K was able to come up with on her own once she got started. She made shooting stars and people and a tree, and together we built a robot and a train. The magnets have gotten plenty of use over the past few weeks, and I love that she's got something to occupy herself while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner or cleaning up, (on the odd occasions when that actually happens,) so it keeps her out of my hair right when I need it. The other thing I liked about these was that the magnets stacked on top of each other well, and were easy to separate when you wanted to build a new picture, making the possible combinations endless.

A train, complete with gigantic smoke stack.

The images are printed on thin magnets, which I thought would make them less likely to stick onto metal, but the magnet is surprisingly strong for something so slim, so you don't need to worry about them ending up all over the floor like other magnets for kids I've seen in the past. The other good thing about them being so thin is they ship flat, so postage is cheaper, and apparently they are less likely to cause harm if swallowed by small children. Of course given the risk, you do need to supervise small children when they are playing with these magnets just to make sure that doesn't happen.

I *think* this one is a robot. 

All in all I am super impressed with these magnets. They are so bright and cheerful, fun to play with and very easy to use. They were shipped to me very quickly, (which is always a good thing) and the available range is pretty big. Aside from the reward charts and shapes there are routine magnets, vocabulary magnets, communication aide magnets, and some just for fun sets (including Minecraft characters for any of you Minecraft nuts out there.)

So if you or anyone you know is in the market for a fun, educational toy for your kids, or something designed to make your life run a little bit smoother, then head on over to the Magnetricks website now and check out their awesome range. 

Now because I live in Australia, I don't actually have to disclose when I receive goods in return for a blog post, usually because it is implied, however in the interests of transparency, I will say that I received these magnets in return for reviewing them on my blog. The opinions I have given are all my own. The fact that these magnets are freakin' awesome just made my job even easier.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

August Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another fly on the wall. This post is all the weird, crazy and funny things you'd hear if you were a fly on one of my walls this month.  On a side note we found our very first blowfly in the house this week, a sure sign that summer is finally on the way. Now is the time to invest in fly spray shares on the stock market. Below is a list of all of the blogs who are participating in the fun today, be sure to visit them all and enjoy all the madness.     Baking In A Tornado      Menopausal Mother        Never Ever Give Up Hope          Just A Little Nutty                    The Momisodes   Someone Else’s Genius             Sanity Waiting to Happen    Southern Belle Charm     Juicebox Confession                  Go Mama O              Dinosaur Superhero Mommy   

Mum: If I have a heart attack in my bed, after you call the paramedics, can you hide the empty chip packets? (comes out of her room holding two handfuls of bags)
Me: Aww mum is that your version of the porn stash?
Mum: It really is.

Miss K requested a new Spiderman themed toothpaste the other day when we were shopping for a new toothbrush. This paired nicely with her new Dora the Explorer toothbrush, but I digress.  It turns out she wasn't the only one who could get excited about licensed oral hygiene products...
Mum: Wow! Spiderman toothpaste!
Me: I know! It sparkles too!
Mum: That is so awesome!
Me: I know. What else could a little girl want in a toothpaste?

Sam: I dreamed the other night that Jason went into space, and when I woke up I was convinced that it had happened. I sat there arguing with myself for five minutes that he couldn't have gone to space, because there were no photographs of the event. In the end I had to ask him if he'd gone into outer space.

Miss K and I were on one of our regular trips to the supermarket to buy essentials, and she was in a great old mood, chatting away about everything and anything, when we walked past a rather heavy set woman. It was clearly a woman, and I could tell from a mile away, but that didn't stop Miss K from saying very loudly as we passed her "look, another man!" I learned I can speed walk like a pro that day.

Another day, on another trip to the supermarket we bumped into one of our neighbours. We started with the obligatory small talk you make when you meet up with someone you only vaguely know when Miss K started talking to the neighbour, and informed her that she was Miss K's best friend. She then went on a giant rant about how good friends they were, despite the fact that she has never actually met this neighbour before.

Mum: The big boss came in today, and she said straight away "Now I can't remember everyone's names, so you'll have to tell me who you all are." I said "I'm Lyn" and she asked "which one?" (there are currently two Lyns who work in mum's team) and all I could say was "the old one?" It turns out she just wanted my surname.

Me: He's going to the Italian Australian Club.
Mum: Did you say he's going to the Chinese shadow puppet?

So Miss K thinks she has both mum and I figured out. She asked me for a chocolate, and I said no, because it was too close to dinner time. Undeterred, she then snuck the chocolate over to where mum was sitting, and started to open it next to her saying "Shhh, don't tell mum."

Miss K loves performing concerts for us. If she's feeling particularly generous she'll even take requests for songs from the audience. One day I asked her to sing a song about grandma's mustache. The lyrics went:

Granny has a mustache,
Granny has a mustache,
Granny has a mustache,
And she is nice.

Me: Come on Miss K, time to get ready for kinder
Miss K: (lays on the floor) I'm dead.
Something tells me she wasn't in the mood for kindergarten that day...

Me: Miss K go to the toilet.
Miss K: No!
Me: Go to the toilet now or I'll give you a wedgie.
Miss K: Nooo!
Me: Well what's it going to be, toilet or wedgie?
Miss K: Wedgie.

Sam: I said something today that I never though I would have to say thanks to your daughter.
Me: Oh yes?
Sam: Yes you can be a monkey, don't put that watch down your pants...
The sad thing is I understood exactly what she was talking about.

Miss K had a nightmare last weekend, and after calming her down and giving her a small drink to get her back into bed she ended up in bed with me. She tried every trick in the book to get to stay up even longer including this one...
Miss K: Mum my heart is broken.
Me: Your heart is broken? That's terrible! Should I kiss it better?
Miss K: No.
Me: What about a hug? Would a hug fix it?
Miss K: No.
Me: So what fixes a broken heart then?
Miss K: Bananas.
If only it was always that easy.

She then informed  me the next day that her heart was "beeping"

Saturday, 15 August 2015

August Use Your Words - The Second Meeting

Welcome again my lovely audience, it's time again for another Use Your Words. this month seventeen brave bloggers have signed up to challenge their skills as writers. How this works for any newbies around here is participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now

Below is a list of all of the bloggers participating today. Please be sure to visit them all to enjoy the rest of the brilliant work that goes into this challenge. 

So today my words are: extravagance ~ silver ~ moonshine ~ hope ~ flaming ~ dice and they were submitted by the incredible Jenniy over at Climaxed.

So today's story is a continuation from my last Use Your Words, which you can read here if you want to start from the beginning.

He took a deep breath. and stared at his reflection in the mirror. The man staring back at him from the highly polished silver glass looked calm and confident, but inside his head all he could hear was screaming. He thought he'd already overcome the hardest obstacles so far, but each new hurdle seemed higher than the last.

Putting the ad in the newspaper hadn't been his idea. His best friend and the person whom he was staying with when he spotted the mysterious beauty across the garden fence was the one with the bright idea. He had resisted it at first, but in the end in order to shut his friend up he finally sent the ad in the day he left to go back home. He knew that was the cowards way out, but if her reaction wasn't all he could hope for, at least this way he wouldn't have to see her ever again. Standing on the platform waiting for her to arrive had been absolute torture. He was certain he stood out like a neon sign standing still with nothing but a green coffee mug in his hand, however all the worry and nerves hadn't been for nothing, and she had shown up. 

Their first meeting had gone well. He'd managed to make her laugh, and her easy, friendly manner had calmed his nerves almost instantly. It had gone so well they'd arranged a proper date for the next evening. That of course had sent him into a wild panic as he spent the next two days trying to figure out the perfect night out for the two of them. Every idea he came up with felt cliched or too much like he was trying too hard. It was so important that this evening went perfectly, as a way of thanking her for taking a gamble on him. She'd rolled the dice when she came to the station to meet him, and he didn't want her to regret her decision.  In the end he'd settled on a dinner at a restaurant nearby, that had good online reviews, followed by a stroll by the river. Being the weekend there would be people everywhere, so she wouldn't feel nervous being alone with him. 

Taking another deep breath he applied his cologne, inhaling its rich, woody scent. It was the one extravagance he allowed himself, rationalizing that the cost of the tiny bottle was far outweighed by the attention he got from people when he wore it. "Women love a man who smells good" he thought to himself, as he often did when applying it. "Not that it's ever gotten me more than the occasional compliment" he grumbled under his breath. He felt like he'd always been unlucky in love, which was part of the reason he'd been so resistant to placing an ad in the newspaper to begin with. Too often he'd been passed over for the guy with the flashier car, the more impressive job, or the slick suit. It had made him cynical and guarded, completely unwilling to put his heart on the line as quickly as others. But there was something different about this woman. something that almost made him want to throw caution to the wind and risk everything.

Smoothing down his dark hair he stepped away from the mirror and walked towards the front door. He felt sicker than the time he and his friends in high school had tried one of their father's moonshine. He'd been laid out with that hangover for two days, much to the chagrin of his parents at the time. He decided that this was definitely a worse feeling than that weekend. He reached for the door handle and pulled open the door. Standing on the other side was his date, her hand poised to knock on the door. Her head snapped up as the door opened and her face flushed a flaming shade of red.
"I was just coming to pick you up" he smiled at her.
"I know, I couldn't wait" she replied wincing, the red now spreading down her neck. The sight of her pale skin blushing made him smile even wider. He held his arm out to her and looked into her eyes. "Shall we?" He asked motioning towards his car. Nervously she took his arm and allowed him to lead her down the path. How the rest of the evening would turn out neither of them knew, but the possibilities were both endless and exciting. 

Saturday, 8 August 2015

August Secret Subject Swap: Perfect?

Hello again my lovelies, I am back for another month of Secret Subject Swap. Today sixteen brave bloggers are writing posts on subjects given to them by another blogger. I don't think I've ever been in a secret subject swap this large, so there's lots of great stuff here for you guys to read. I know that reading everyone else's posts is going to take up a great portion of my Saturday, so I'm excited to finally say I have plans this weekend!

So before I get into my subject I'll link you to everyone else who is participating in the swap today. Be sure to hop over to the other bloggers too, and share some of your lovely love around.                          Baking In A Tornado                                          The Momisodes                    The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                 Stacy Sews and Schools                            Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                  Spatulas on Parade                        Southern Belle Charm                               Never Ever Give Up Hope                                 Sparkly Poetic Weirdo                    Silence of the Mom                      Someone Else’s Genius              Confessions of a part-time working mom                The Angrivated Mom           More Than Cheese and Beer                           Climaxed

So today my post is For the first time ever, everything is going right today. While it's wonderful it's a bit scary. Do you want more perfect days or do you want your normal life back? and it was submitted by the wonderful Karen over at Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

So anyone who knows me knows how hectic life around here gets. With juggling work, kindergarten, my own scrapbooking business, speech therapy appointments, visitation schedules, and everything in between, I barely have a minute to scratch myself. It's why I so often fall asleep in front of the computer of an evening. I shouldn't complain, but it gets old real fast. I've learned a few cheats over the years to make life a little easier, which usually involve throwing some electronic device in Miss K's general direction just to get five minutes of peace and quiet to get a job done, or five minutes more sleep, but I have things more or less under control. which is what made yesterday's bad day worse. First of all Miss K spent the whole day giving me sass, arguing back at me, and getting under my feet. Any request for assistance from me prompted running and screaming from her as if I was asking her to donate a kidney for me. To make things worse we ended up late to our speech therapy appointment thanks to her antics, which threw me out for the rest of the day. By the time I got to my night time class I was absolutely fried, and I still had to teach a scrapbook layout to my workshop ladies.

Usually spending two hours comparing our battle scars from the past week leaves us all refreshed and ready to fight the good fight the next day, but I couldn't help but still feel unsatisfied with my lot in life as I drove home late last night. I sat in my car in the dark driveway for five minutes too exhausted to get out and start unloading all my tools from the back seat. I looked up at the sky, which was void of sparkly lights for some reason, and searched the black until I found a solitary star winking at me. "I just wish life was easier" I said out loud before letting out a large sigh and hauling my tired behind out of the car. I ignored the boxes in the back seat, figuring I'd get them tomorrow and dragged my feet towards the door. After completing my normal night time routine I went to bed early and fell fast asleep.

When I woke up this morning the sun was streaming through a slit in my curtain. This alone was odd, because I'm usually woken up by Miss K pulling my covers off me at 4:30 in the morning demanding a drink and a banana. Once I got my bearings I pulled myself out of bed and went over to Miss K's room, worried she was sick. Instead of finding a mayhem of toys or books all over the floor, I was greeted by the sight of a spotless room, with Miss K in the corner stacking her books into their shelves according to size. "You OK kiddo?" I asked her. "Yes mummy, just cleaning my room thank you" came the reply. I shook my head, wondering if maybe the exhaustion was beginning to mess with my mind, and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. The mess of coffee powder and sugar that had coated the bench the night before was missing, as was the pile of clean dishes that had been drying on the rack for three days now. "Miss K has grandma been cleaning this morning?" I called out. "No mummy, that was me." she called back. I wandered into the lounge room to find a similar scene of tidiness that hadn't been there the night before. "You cleaned the whole house?" I asked incredulously. Hearing noise from the kitchen I turned to find Miss K preparing herself some breakfast. "You want me to do that for you?" I asked hopefully "No thanks" she replied and continued on pouring milk on her cereal. At a loss for words, I decided to tell a joke. "Knock, knock" I said with a grin. "Not now mum, I'm a little busy" Miss K said as she walked past me carefully balancing her bowl in one hand and a cup of juice in the other. She sat down in her little blue chair, and I waited for the inevitable request to push her seat in. Instead she did a weird little jump in her seat and managed to pull herself closer to the table unassisted.

The rest of the day passed in the same way. Miss K refused my offer to play a game of Mario Kart with her, something she usually jumps at the chance to do, and instead decided to rearrange her sock drawer. She declined my suggestion to pull out the kinetic sand, instead sorting through her toy chest and throwing out all her old unwanted toys. I was so bored I decided to drape a blanket on myself and pretend to be a ghost. This was only met with a dirty look from my suddenly mature 4 year old. Gone were the requests to follow her to the toilet for no particular reason, gone were the spontaneous games of tag, gone was the cheeky sass I got on a constant basis. I was horrified to realise my little girl had morphed into a middle aged woman, right in front of my eyes. This thought caused something in my head to snap and I screamed in the middle of the quietest dinner I'd had in a long time. "What in the ever loving hell is going on? Where is my baby and who are you?" "You said you wanted life to be easier. This is what you wanted" Miss K said in between mouthfuls of mashed potato (a dish I'd never been able to get her to eat before now) "Well I changed my mind" I cried. "I want my old life back. I want the mess, and the arguing, and the laughing, and the fun. Easy is boring" With this I ran to my bedroom and buried my head in my pillow. I know it was incredibly childish of me, but this day had been so horrible, I didn't know what else to do.

I lay in silence for a few seconds, until I felt something pull the blankets off me, and the shock of the cold air jolted me out of my sleep. Miss K jumped on my back and yelled "Wake up mummy I'm thirsty." I reached for my phone and checked the time, 4:30 in the morning. "I want a banana and a drink please mummy" Miss K said as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, and before she could repeat herself I grabbed her up in the biggest bear hug of her life. "Never, ever, ever change Miss K, got it?" I cried burying my head in her tiny shoulder. "Ok mummy. Can I have a drink now?" she asked. I jumped out of bed, relieved that everything was as it was meant to be, and last night's dream was only that. As I poured Miss K's drink, the little voice came from my bedroom. "Don't forget my banana mum." "Some things never change" I said to myself smiling. "And thank God for that."

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

The one where I say everything about everything

It has been too long since I wrote to you guys. I decided to take the month off from my writing challenges because work has been crazy busy this past month, with having 20 cases going through Court in one week and then spending the next three weeks madly trying to catch up on everything we stopped doing just so we could shove these 20 matters through the system, and I'm now only a week behind on all of my work, so I'm starting to find my energy again. Yay me.

I have actually started several posts over the last three weeks, unfortunately each and every one of them has only gotten so far before I lost my enthusiasm, so they are all just sitting dormant in my list of posts waiting for me to come back and love them. I have decided to just come on now and drag several of them together into one larger post and just spew absolutely everything that has been in my head for the last few weeks out at you in one large go, to save wasting any more time agonising over when I'm actually going to post again.  So in no particular order, here are some of the things I've noticed happening in the world recently.

Victim shaming is still a thing
Now because I'm not actually in America and I get all of my news from over the ocean via click baits like the best people always do, I'm never sure whether what I'm reading really is as prevalent as the sensationalist news websites want me to think they are. But one theme that has come up time and time again is instances where girls are being made to cover their bodies up, for fear of exciting any men within a 3 mile radius. You're going to have to pardon my French here, but for once I don't really care if this is a really widespread thing. For this to have happened even just once pisses me off. I hate that women are once again being made responsible for the actions of men everywhere. Blaming victims of rape for the actions of their rapist is NOT ok. Ever. And to force women to cover their shoulders, or their knees, or their chests just to make sure they don't get raped is not good enough. It would be a better use of people's time and energy to teach people not to rape. But that's too difficult. It's easier to make women cover up than make men man up and treat young girls with respect. Of course I do not think that all men are rapists, that's just silly. It's just as silly as expecting women to control their bodies as well as the urges of the whole male population. When I was a teenager I could barely even control my own hair, let alone the behaviors and actions of any and all males I walked past. To expect this of our daughters now is as unfair as it has always been and it needs to stop.

America finally gave homosexuals the same rights as everyone else
Yay America! Congratulations you guys for recognizing that this needed to happen. Now if somebody could have a quiet word with the people who run my country, that would be great. Of course Australia has always been the younger sibling to you guys, we're always several steps behind, running madly in your wake just trying to keep up with our cooler big brother, so the fact that you guys have changed your laws can only mean that it is an inevitability down here too. I am very happy to say that the dialogue is already starting, and while it is still only on a small scale here, from little things big things grow. I was actually really excited that I was alive and old enough to understand the world around me when this change happened. To be there to watch history  happen is an amazing thing, and I hope that by the time Miss K is older and more aware of her world, the idea that homosexual people are not allowed to get married will be an outdated and ridiculous concept for her, just like the idea that people of different races being banned from marrying each other is outdated and ridiculous to me. Now I know that not everybody is happy with this history changing decision the Supreme Court has made, and the insults are flying thick and fast. This will change. It will take time, but it will become less and less as time goes by, so keep riding the storm people, you're doing great.

We're all going to die
I get a teensy bit tired of all the news posts that try to tell me the next big thing that is going to kill me, or my children, or my pets, or the entire world. It's usually always cancer, and it's always depressing as all hell. Well I've got a news flash for you guys, and just a warning, this is a huge spoiler, but we're all going to die. That may come as a surprise to some people, but none of us is immortal. Sometimes I think the fun part is discovering exactly what it is that gets us in the end. Right now I'm banking on lung cancer or emphysema being the bastard that sends me to my pine box, but it would be a delicious twist if I was struck down by an errant toilet seat falling out of a plane. Scientists will never find a cure for death, because overpopulation is a bad thing, and we need people to die. Mainly because you horny buggers won't stop having sex, which ultimately leads to more babies, and we're really running out of room already as it is. (Except in the centre of Australia. There's heaps of room there, so if you're feeling a bit cramped, and don't mind living somewhere that even most animals refuse to inhabit, come on down.) But the point is we all die. Our bodies are only built to survive for a finite amount of time, and we need to come to terms with this.

Phew, I feel better for having got all of that off my chest. I'm sure I've noticed other things that I'm forgetting about right now, but I have a comfy bed, and a chocolate bar calling my name, so I'm off to enjoy my night. Stay tuned my lovely readers, because the next time I appear out of the mist it will be to do one of my incredibly rare reviews, this time of an amazing product I've just discovered, and I can't wait to share it with you guys.

Saturday, 20 June 2015

June Fly on the Wall

Welcome again to another Fly on the Wall. This series is about sharing all the little things that we all do that are never enough on their own for a blog post, but tend to group together nicely in a post like this, just to show you that even the flies in our house are ashamed to know us.  Today 18 bloggers are participating in the challenge, and their links are written below.  Be sure to visit all of them, even if only to make you feel just a little bit better about how insane you are.             Baking In A Tornado        Spatulas on Parade           Follow me home              Menopausal Mother   Stacy Sews and Schools               Battered Hope                 Just A Little Nutty                          The Momisodes         Someone Else’s Genius                  Disneyland in Kentucky            Juicebox Confession                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                    Sanity Waiting to Happen           Southern Belle Charm                 The Sadder But Wiser Girl                         Go Mama O Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

My brother law was recently diagnosed as diabetic. I never knew just how inappropriate conversations about blood tests could be until we all decided to play with his new blood sugar tester.

Me: Did you prick me already? I didn't feel a thing.
Sam: That's what she said.

Me: You're going to have to prick me again, I got nothing out of that one.

Me: I'm getting nothing out of this one.
Jason: Squeeze it harder then.
*inappropriate giggling from every adult in the room*

Sam: I want Eliza to have a turn. Where's his little jabby thing?
*inappropriate giggling from me*
Sam: I said his LITTLE jabby thing.
Needless to say that didn't stop the giggling.

Me: Life is more like a soap opera than we realise. The only difference is we don't do the longing stares into the difference when things go wrong.
Mum: That is so true. I'm going to make it my life's mission now to do that stare into the distance whenever something goes wrong. Can I get some dramatic music too?

Kim and I were discussing recipes from our childhood with mum when we started talking about a recipe mum had when she was a kid. This is the conversation that ensued.

Mum: I was about to say I'd ask mum, but never mind*
Me: Did you really? Aww mum.
Kim: Hold on, let me get out the ouija board...0408
Me: Hang on, that's my number, I'm not dead yet, don't summon me!

*My grandma has been dead 25 years, which somehow makes mum's initial comment even sadder.

Nat: I had to get the dinner cart downstairs to the kids at work the other day, but I hate taking the elevator, so I stuck the dinner cart on the elevator, pushed the button then raced the elevator down the stairs. Unfortunately I got halfway down the stairs and forgot what I was doing, so I just went back to my room and left the cart to ride the elevator. It could have ended up in the basement if my room leader hadn't got it for me.

Me: Did you know that strawberry flavouring comes from beaver secretions, from their scent gland.
Nat: Really? I have strawberry flavoured lip gloss.
Me: Oh. Well then, enjoy putting your beaver secretions on your lips.

Me: I feel it is inappropriate to break into 1980's songs when yelling at the children.

The court house in the town I work in has a massive circuit every three months, and all the local people going through the family law courts can have their matters heard in the area. It saves everyone having to travel an hour and a half to the next closest family law courts. The joys of living in a rural area. The latest circuit just happened this last week, and we had thirty matters going through the court in one week. Most of them happened in the first day so I had to help my boss get the case files for about 25 matters to the court house, which is half a block away from our office, so we walked the files down. I was carrying about 20 kilos worth of paperwork the whole trip, then we got to the court house and found that they were doing security scans at the front door, which meant that entry was in single file, and the queue to enter was the length of the building. Needless to say by the time we got the files into the court room my arms and legs were like jelly. The sore muscles I ended up with lasted another three days. The pain ended up so bad Miss K had to pull me up the stairs into my sister's house when I went to pick her up at night. I'm now going to request we get office skate boards before next circuit. The added bonus is I will look mega cool when I ride it down to the cafe every week to pick up our milk.

Miss K has fortnightly speech therapy sessions in a nearby town. This is a conversation she has with our therapist every single week. You would think the woman would learn by now she needs to rephrase this question.

Chloe: What is this girl doing?
Miss K: She's eating a burger.
Chloe: And where is she eating the burger?
Miss K: (pointing to the picture) Right there.

Well that's all from me for this month, be sure to buzz back again next month for another installment of crazy.
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