Saturday, 9 November 2013

Secret Subject Swap - Dwarfed

Hello again my lovelies, it is time again for yet another Secret Subject Swap. We are gathered here today for take one of the November swaps, and I am plum tuckered out right now. In my true style, I have decided to leave writing this post until the absolute last minute, which for me means half an hour after I undertake a two hour drive through Melbourne and to the suburbs so Miss K can visit with her Italian family. So you'll have to forgive me if this post descends into madness pretty quickly tonight, as both Miss K and I are pretty tuckered out right now, and it's past both our bed times. (OK so technically it's only past Miss K's bed time as I usually stay up until midnight anyway, but tonight, my guest bed is looking pretty darn inviting. Even if it is only a single bed that I have to share with a squirmy 2 year old.)

Anyway, on with the fun, first allow me to introduce you to the other players in today's proceedings.  All of these lovely bloggers are incredibly brilliant, and they all deserve your visit as much as I do.                        Baking In A Tornado                         The Momisodes                     Just A Little Nutty              Follow me home . . .    Moore Organized Mayhem                The Sadder But Wiser Girl                                 Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                                     Crazy As Normal                   Searching for Sanity                           Dawn’s Disaster                               Menopausal Mother                           Evil Joy Speaks

Ok so today my subject is You’re having a bad day. The doorbell rings, you go to answer it and . . . And this topic was given to me by none other than the big cheese herself, Karen from Baking in a Tornado.  I was so excited to hear I was finally being selected to write about the grand master's (Mistress?) subject of choice I could have jumped for joy. (Of course if such a thing was possible, damn my ample, doughnut loving backside for keeping me so firmly rooted to the ground.)

It's days like today that make me wonder if I wasn't totally insane for taking on a full time job.  The dressing down I got from both the office manager and my boss for making a simple mistake in one tiny letter was bad enough, but then when I went to pick Miss K up from my big sister's house, I was gravely informed that she had been hitting my nephew in the head again. I made my excuses and left her house pretty quickly after she told me that, promising that I'd have a word with Miss K about keeping her hands to herself, and joined the peak hour traffic to get Miss K home and to bed. When I finally got home, I found out that mum had not managed to cook the roast tea she had promised before she went out to work, and it was now my responsibility to try and pull a meal out of the meagre findings in our pantry. I was busy dusting off the bags of loose pasta hiding in the back of the cupboard with one hand while pulling Miss K away from the plastic bags on the bottom shelf when there came a loud knock at the door.

"Perfect" I grumbled to myself, "Kim's forgotten her bloody keys again hasn't she?" I stormed to the door, and threw it open getting ready to give my little sister a serve only to find there was no one there. "Bloody kids" I muttered to myself, getting ready to slam the door, when suddenly I heard a small voice say "We're not kids thank you very much, we're dwarves." I looked again, but still saw no one. Then another voice called out "down here." Well imagine my surprise when I looked down and saw not one but seven little people standing in my archway. "Can I help you?" I asked, trying to keep the surprise out of my voice.

"Actually," said the oldest looking one at the front, "We were hoping to help you." 
"And what exactly were you hoping to help me with?" I replied, still desperately trying to sound like it was normal for me to be speaking to seven very short men. 
"We've been watching you for a while!" snapped another of the men,  "And you clearly need all the help you can get!" I was getting ready to tell this rude man what I thought of his opinion when the old man spoke up. 
"Never mind him, he's always grumpy.  But he is right, you do need help. And that's what we're here for, to help you." 
I was getting ready to refuse their offer when Miss K came running to the door holding her cup. "dink, dink" she yelled, clearly forgetting that she'd already had one drink since we'd gotten home. At the sound of her voice I hung my head and opened the door to the men, ignoring the fact that I was quite possibly allowing seven axe murderers into my house, purely so I didn't have to pour another cordial for Miss K.

"So how does this work?" I asked weakly, admitting defeat having sapped the last of the energy from my body. 
"Well" said one of the men with a sniff, "how about you go and have a shower, and by the time you get back, everything will be taken care of."

While I was unwilling to admit that the prospect of being naked with seven strange men in my house was unsettling, I was willing to admit that I did need a shower, having missed my morning shower already today with sleeping in and running late to work, so I turned away from the men and started towards the bathroom. As I shut the door I could hear Miss K yelling "Dink, dink" at the top of her voice, and one of the strangers leading her into the kitchen to grab her a drink. "At least I don't have to worry about Miss K getting into anything while I'm in the water" I said to no one in particular as I tested the water with my wrist. I stepped into the shower and stood under the hot water for longer than I care to admit, just happy that for once I didn't have to rush so that Miss K wasn't left unsupervised for too long. Even if her supervisors were only a few inches taller than her.

Once I was finally showered and dressed again I hesitantly stepped out of the bathroom and braced myself for the worst possible scenario. After all I had just left my daughter with seven strangers, I could only imagine what hell I was walking into.  But to my surprise the house was still standing. What's more, it was clean. I walked into the kitchen and found a pot of tuna casserole slowly simmering away, nearly ready to be served. I walked down the hall to Miss K's room and found her playing quietly with a baby doll, the hurricane of toys that had been left there earlier this morning was no where to be seen, and the pile of dirty nappies and clothes I'd added to the bottom of my to do list last night were also missing.  But where were the little men? I rushed back through the house, terrified that they had left us, but when I got to the lounge room, there they were, putting the last of the magazines back on the table. 

"Thank you!" I gasped, not used to walking so quickly any more, "what you've done for us is amazing."
"We know" grumbled the grumpy one. "It's just what we do."
"And now that we're finished," said the old one, "we're going."
"What?" I gasped again, "You can't leave me, I need you."
"No," replied the grumpy one, "what you need is to get your lazy butt off the computer once in a while and do some house work."
"But that's boring" I moaned. "I'd rather play jigsaw puzzles online."
"Well that's too bad" said the sniffly gnome, "we've got you started, it's up to you to keep it up."
"Don't worry" said another one with a kindly smile, "it's not that hard, you just need to whistle while you work and the work just flies by."
"I don't know what I'll do without you little men" I said sadly as they walked towards the front door. "You've really spoilt me tonight."

I was about to say thank you again when the front door opened and mum walked in. I was about to introduce her to the little men when I looked down and noticed they had disappeared. I was terrified I had hallucinated the entire thing, but when I turned back into the lounge room it was still clean. 

"Well at least it wasn't a dream" I said to myself.
"What?" asked mum?
"Nothing I replied. "Are you hungry? There's tuna casserole on the stove and the lounge room is nice and clean for you."
"Thank you honey, you're an angel" mum said with a sigh as she pulled her apron off. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
I was about to admit I had nothing to do with any of it, but I decided to keep my mouth tightly closed. I guess it was better to have a huge reputation to live up to than to make her think I was losing my mind. 


  1. I need some little helpers in my house too... I'd be happy if the two that lived here would pitch in a little!

    1. Tell me about it Sarah, I live with three other people and we all spend our time stepping over crap and pretending not to see the mess. It's easier than cleaning up, but it does make for a badly organised house.

  2. The big cheese (the big cheese? did you really call me that?) smiled through this whole post. Your imagination was just the entertainment I needed this morning. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    1. Ha ha ha thank you Karen. I could have called you the Grand Empress, but I thought that I would just come out sounding like a brown noser.

  3. Hey, I want seven strange little men, too! Haha. I love the post and that you admitted to needing some help. No one can do it all alone.

    1. Thank you Michelle. I was half way through writing it when I realised the prospect of having seven strangers (and dwarfs no less) come into your house and just start cleaning it was probably a lot creepier than I first though. I'm sure if the story went any further I would have written that I went to my underwear drawer just to make sure they hadn't stolen anything.

  4. um - yeah - when everyone else has had a turn with the gnomes can you send them to me next. please? =)

    1. No worries Tracy, your name has been added to the end of the list. Given how long it is growing you may still be doing your own housekeeping in the new year, but you never know....
      Thanks for stopping by :D

  5. When you're done with them, can you send em my way?


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