The week I wrote a book

I know, I know, I disappeared again. I keep doing this to you guys, but I promise I have a good excuse this week, I wrote a book. Don't start jumping up and down just yet, you won't see my name on the New York Times bestsellers list just yet, because my name isn't on this book. I don't know whose name is going to be on this book because I didn't write it for me.

I mentioned in a post at the very end of last year that I was unemployed now, and we are currently struggling to find ways to stretch a very limited income. Well one of the ways I have found is freelance writing. As I'm sure you guys are all aware, I love writing. It has always been one of my favourite hobbies (right after sleeping) ever since I was a kid. So when I found a website that gave freelance writers a place to apply for work, I signed right up. This was back in October of last  year, and while I got employed almost straight away writing articles for various blogs and websites, my new boss (or as we freelancers call them, clients) was shady as all get up, and I ended up doing a months worth of work for free, because he never paid me for any of the writing I did for him.

Fast forward to this year, and my current empty money bag. I decided that I don't want to write SEO articles for other people, if SEO was important to me, I'd be using it here for goodness sake and driving traffic to my own awesome corner of the interwebs. I decided what I really want to do is what I dreamed of doing back when I was young and optimistic, and that was write books. Of course I have a huge problem standing in the way of being an author, and that is the fact that I have nothing to say on any subject until you tell me to start talking. So in comes my freelance hiring website, and my best use of the biggest words I know, trying to impress e-book publishers and convince them to hire me to be one of their typing monkeys. And wouldn't you know it, someone took the bait.

Unfortunately for me, being a freelance writer means you have to write on whatever subject your client wants you to write about, and this client wanted a how-to book written up for a very popular computer game. Now I'm well aware of this computer game, I've even tried playing it once or twice, but I'm what gamers call "a total noob" so I'm probably the last person you want writing anything about games. Of course I can't admit this to my new client, so I had to panic quietly, and then I did the smartest thing I have ever done, I called my big sister, who plays this game with her son religiously. They watch YouTube videos, they go on public servers, they've even run their own server. They spent the next week schooling me on this game, and helped make sure I wrote something that was not only coherent, but also correct. I even had to learn the language these gamers speak. This was a crash course in nerd like I've never had before.

So now, I can proudly say I am a struggling artiste, as I sit around coffee shops stroking my neckbeard (what female hipsters can't have neckbeards? tell that to my European genes.) instead of simply a stay at home mum who relies on rice to pad out way too many meals. And just because there's nothing better than unwarranted advice on a personal blog to help you guys out, here is the perfect process for writing a book for someone else on a subject you know nothing about.

Step 1: Stare at the screen dumbly while you try to process exactly what you just agreed to.
Step 2: Have a brief moment of optimism as you ask yourself exactly how hard it could be to write a book about computer games/eliminating bedbugs using steam cleaners/whatever other crazy subject people apparently want to read about.
Step 3: Run around the room in a blind panic as you realise you're about to reveal yourself as an absolute fraud.
Step 4: Find an expert on the topic you need to write about, bribe them with chocolate (or alcohol, or even Pokemon cards if they're young enough).
Step 5: Begin writing, realise this is going to be harder than you originally thought.
Step 6: Spend a week hunched over your computer day and night pouring over wiki articles, YouTube videos and Google as you find difficulty after difficulty after difficulty in your way.
Step 7: Begin dreaming about the video game/topic you're currently writing about. (I'm not even kidding about this one.)
Step 8: Write the book, proof read the book, get someone else to proof read the book, proof read the book for a second, third and fourth time, Check it once more just to make sure you absolutely haven't left anything out.
Step 9: Submit your book and pray your client is gentle with their criticisms.
Step 10: Read the email telling you the client loved your book, and wants you to do another one on the exact same subject.
Step 11: Crawl into a bottle of wine and never crawl out again.

So that's it. I am now trying to find a nice way to tell my new client that I never want to write another computer game based book as long as I live, but I think I'm just going to take the chicken's way out and tell him I've now moved on to other projects. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play a computer game, because thanks to this stupid book, I'm officially addicted to this game. If you're interested to learn more, all my tips and tricks are yours for the low, low price of a bottle of Jack Daniels. (or $0.99) if you can wait for the book to come out on Kindle.

April Use Your Words - The Writer

Hello again people, it's time for another Use Your Words. Where 14 brave bloggers swap a group of words or phrases with each other, and then build a whole post based on the handful of words we are given.


Before I get into the festivities, I'll give you the links to the rest of the bloggers participating today, be sure to visit them all and see what creative geniuses they all are.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com           Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/         Spatulas on Parade

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com       The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://themomisodes.com                             The Momisodes

http://www.southernbellecharm.com           Southern Belle Charm

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch                Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com          Someone Else’s Genius

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/   Stacy Sews and Schools

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/                  Sparkly Poetic Weirdo 

http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com           Climaxed

http://eileensperpetuallybusy.blogspot.com Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com          Juicebox Confession

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                 Battered Hope

So today my words are Snow, Paint, candy land, remodel, yard stick and they were submitted by the awesome Sarah at The Momisodes

She stared at the blank screen, the familiar feeling of terror creeping into her stomach, as it always did when she tried to write these days. The snow white page mocking her as it dared her to write something, anything. "Go ahead and try" it said to her, "you know you'll delete the first twelve drafts anyway, so you might as well get them over and done with." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, silently cursing herself for volunteering yet again to go through this stomach churning process. When she was younger, writing seemed to come easier to her. The fear of rejection was not as strong as her self assurance that she was good at this. But time had been cruel to this woman, or rather, she'd been cruel to herself. Years spent being her own worst critic meant the voices in her head were no longer encouraging, but rather derisive, and spiteful. 

She glared at the screen again then pushed her chair away from the desk. She grabbed for her cigarettes and pulled one out. Lighting it she inhaled deeply, the burning in her throat distracted her from the lump in her stomach momentarily. Once upon a time she could paint a scene effortlessly with her words, but those days seemed to be long behind her. These days the thoughts that swam through her head as she tried to write seemed to be the same ones that would come through while she was trying to make love, small mundane thoughts designed to distract her from what was once an enjoyable process, but these days just left her feeling numb. It just seemed unfair. 

Part of her problem had come from meeting the women she was trying to write for now. These weren't ordinary women, they were writers too, and well out of her league. They were masters of the written word, and a massive yard stick to be measured against. Sometimes she wished for the anonymity that came from being a small fish in a big pond. One tiny piece in a massive game of Candy Land. She realised too late how comforting it was knowing that no one was reading what she had to say. The expectation she felt to entertain people with her writing was almost paralyzing, as was the tiny voice repeating over and over again, "What if they don't like it?" 

Taking a deep breath, she straightened up and poised above her keyboard, began to type;

"Don't remove what you can remodel"

Sighing she slumped back in her chair exhausted from the effort. "I didn't choose the fortune cookie life" she said as she lit another cigarette, "The fortune cookie life chose me."

Turning a coat hanger into a ribbon organiser

Ok guys so as you've probably noticed, I've been a bit absent lately. Part of it is trying to keep on top of the various bugs that Miss K keeps picking up (she has a cold at the moment which is just so much fun), part of it is that exam season is coming up quickly and I am madly trying to make sure I'm ready for my one and only exam for the year, and part of it is that I am starting to feel stuck in a rut as far as this blog goes. While I am sure you guys all love hearing my various anecdotes about Miss K and the cute things she does, I get the feeling I'm becoming one of those annoying people who has nothing to talk about except for their children.

So with that in mind, I have decided to try something a bit different for the blog today. Instead of just blabbing on and on about my day (which was just so boring to live through I don't feel mean enough to make all of you go through it too) I have decided to do a quick tutorial instead. Now for anyone here who doesn't care about crafty things, I do apologize for you might find this all a bit dull. But if that is the case, feel free to skip down to the bottom of the page and drop me a line in the comments saying so. I can only guess what you guys like about my blog since you are all such a quiet bunch, so today's guess is that you want to learn how to turn an every day item like a coat hanger into a nifty way to organize your ribbons. I'm starting really simple because I am new to this whole telling people what to do thingy, and I wanted to make sure this first tutorial would be both easy to write and easy to read. So here goes.

Ooh it even comes with it's own intro picture, how exciting...

Now for any of you lovely people out there who are crafty and like scrapbooking, or card making or anything else where you use lots of ribbons, you will know how annoying it can be trying to find an effective way to store your ribbons so that they don't become tangled and messy. I know that before I stumbled on this idea I had tried several different methods. There are professionally made boxes complete with dowels and holes for you to hang and thread your ribbons through, but they usually come with a price tag that is way outside of my budget of free or cheaper, so I have always had to get creative with ways to sort and store my lovely ribbons. My first ribbon holder was a plastic bag. That was terrible. On a scale of one to ten for ease of use and neatness, a plastic bag gets a zero. So I swapped to a plastic container which was slightly better, at least now I could see all of my ribbons at a glance, but they still got tangled too much. 

See? terrible.

So when I stumbled on a picture somewhere of someone using a trouser hanger as a ribbon organiser I got super excited. Until I realised how very little the people in my town must use coat hangers because I couldn't find a multi rack coat hanger for love or money. Luckily I eventually found one at Kmart and forked out a whole $5 for it. 

Now the first thing you want to do is gather all of your supplies. (I've always wanted to start a sentence like that. It sounds so tutorial-y)And now here is the obligatory picture of all of my supplies gathered into the one space for ease of use.

Ta-daa! Look at all that gathered-ness

Now if you are super OCD like I am, you can take this time to sort your ribbons into categories. I know, who knew ribbons could have categories! 

There is a sight that just makes my compulsive side sing.

And then it is just as simple as threading the ribbon spools onto the coat hanger in any way that you please. 

It couldn't be easier if it was thought up by a one year old...

And before you know it you will have a lovely coat hanger covered in spools of ribbon that you can now hang up anywhere that you like.

See? No more tangled ribbons and it even looks pretty. 

I even have heaps of room left over just in case I decide to go out and buy more ribbons. Not bad for $5 and ten minutes of work. (It would have been quicker but I had to keep stopping to take pictures of it for you guys.) And now just to make it really look like a professional tutorial, here is a before and after shot of my ribbons. 

So there you have it, a tutorial on how to turn an ordinary every day boring coat hanger into something awesome for your crafting area. I hope that this was as enjoyable for you guys to read as it was for me to write, if it wasn't please, please, please let me know. Also feel free to tell me what you guys do want to see on here, because I can't entertain you if I don't know what you like. 

*update, this blog post has now been linked to A Bowl Full of Lemon's One project at a time link party, check it out for other awesome bloggers with even bigger and better things to share. 

Mark Zuckerberg

So tonight I have the urge to blog, but no inspiration. I have sat here staring at my blank page for about five minutes without anything popping to mind as interesting enough to write about. I even got desperate enough to try a random topic generator to try and inspire me, but it wasn't much help. It told me to write a blog about the magazine that is easiest to digest, and while I find that I can eat a whole issue of Women's Weekly faster than an issue of Time Magazine, I don't think that's interesting enough to turn into an entire blog.

I'd tell you about my day, but that would be so boring, I'd fall asleep while writing it. The most exciting part of today was I saw a huge rainbow out my lounge room window, and rushed to grab the camera so I could take a photo of it. Don't ask me why I needed to take a photo of it, I guess it was either take a photo or go back to staring at the wall blankly. And right now instead of thinking up witty topics to write about, I'm having a Facebook war with my little sister. Here's a great way to annoy all of your friends and family, if you type @[4:0] anywhere that you can comment on Facebook, it will change it to Mark Zuckerburg. In a rare moment of genius, I have flooded my sister's statuses and photos with this, and she of course had to reciprocate. I have succeeded in waking everyone up in the house with my laughter, but have achieved very little in finding inspiration. And so I have decided to try and find inspiration in my photo files and I think I've found a winner. Check out this little gem 

Attractive right?

For anyone who hasn't run from the room screaming in absolute terror after viewing this atrosity, this is a photo of myself eating breakfast, it was taken about 3 years ago, and edited by my lovely little sister, the same one I just won my Facebook war against. If you can't read the caption at the top, it says I eat Fat Chicks For Breakfast! and is titled thus because shortly before my sister edited this photo, we were in Melbourne together to go see a Gwen Stefani concert with our littlest sister. On our way from the train station to the stadium we stopped off at Hungry Jacks for some dinner, and as we all walked out of Hungry Jacks loaded up with our carbs and sugars, a young guy ran past us screaming I EAT FAT CHICKS FOR BREAKFAST!!!!!! Of course both of my sisters assumed he was screaming it at me, given that at the time I was the heaviest one in our group, but I'm unconvinced that he wasn't referring to either of them or in fact all three of us, but we still had a good laugh about it as we carried on. Of course little did I realise that it was something that I would be reliving every time I looked through my photo album, but I can't help but laugh every time I see this photo. Not just because I look so miserable to be eating my Rice Bubbles with cream and sugar which can't be true because it's my favourite breakfast. It used to be my favourite dinner before I had Miss K, but now I have to eat like an adult and not a 6 year old so I had to give it up.

And there you have it, that's how to get past writers block. Humiliate yourself in front of total strangers by showing unflattering photos of yourself in your dressing gown. And I still have that dressing gown, and it is still my favourite piece of leisure wear for around the house. I hope I have entertained you all with my quest to write tonight, until we meet again, stay awesome.