September Fly on The Wall

Welcome yet again to another instalment of my favourite post I do every single month. Yes, it is time yet again for Fly on the Wall. For any of you here who are new to this, what happens is every month a bunch of us bloggers join up and share some of the crazy stuff that you would see were you a fly on the wall at our house.


Today there are nine bloggers joining in the fun, so be sure to visit them all and keep the fun going.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother   

Go Mama O                                           

Spatulas on Parade                                            

Never Ever Give Up Hope                        

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy      

The Bergham Chronicles     

When I Grow Up

Mum and I were watching telly one night Mum: I think the person speaking is that woman, oh what's her name? Angela Mayo? Me: Who? Mum: No, wait, it's Maya Angelou.
Eliza goes to high school just across the road from our house, so sometimes she comes to visit us during her lunch time. One day she needed to escape a couple of mean girls so she came over and called her mum. Sam: Are you having troubles with bitchy girls again? Eliza: What? Itchy gills? I don't have itchy gills.
Kim: I was not paying attention this morning when I was getting ready for work, and I forgot to put my skirt on. It wasn't until I walked out the door that I noticed it was really cold. Then I looked down and realised I was standing in the front yard wearing just my work shirt and my stockings.    One day I went to pick Miss K up from kindergarten and the head teacher made us all wait before leaving so she could let us know the children witnessed one of their pet chickens eating a frog that day. She also informed us the children had stopped the teachers from interrupting the chicken's tasty meal. I was pretty sure Miss K wasn't too traumatised by this event since she insisted on playing the chicken chases the frog around our living room for the rest of the afternoon. 
The next week I found out from Miss K that the kindergarten's pet yabby Sam had passed away too. Upon checking the kindergarten's Facebook page I found pictures from the funeral they held that day. Me: They had a funeral for a yabby at kindergarten today. I don't know how I feel about this. The kids even decorated his coffin. Mum: I just want to know if they played rock lobster as they buried it.
Nat: I would love, just to mess with people, to spell my son's name George, but have it pronounced Henry.  Me: I suppose it's better than naming your son cod-eye Nat: It's not cod-eye, it's Codi.
Me: If you spell your son's name like that I will call him cod-eye and nothing else.
Kim: Erin how do you have your coffee? Me: I like my coffee strong and sweet, just like me. Kim: Ok If it's just like you I'll add a dash of autism to the water. 
Sam and Jason were discussing a local supermarket Sam: I don't want to go back there. We bought our chompy up thing from there and it broke almost immediately. Me: Chompy up thing? Are you talking about a mulcher? Sam: Yeah. The chompy up thing. 
Miss K was lying on the couch one day making weird noises with her mouth. Mum: Oh look, she's jukeboxing. Me: I think the word you're looking for is beat boxing mum.
Kim: I lashed out this afternoon and bought a new jacket. Me: You punched someone for a jacket?
Natalie got sent home from work with a sore back last week, but couldn't resist being a smarty pants when her boss was worried about her. Boss: How are you going to drive home? Natalie: holds her hands up like she is steering an invisible car. Like this. Boss: If you are not careful I will pick you up and throw you back into the baby room.
Kim had a tiny fender bender a few weeks ago, there was no real damage to either car, so it was mentioned once and then I forgot about it entirely. I did however manage to scare the crap out of dad when he thought he'd let the cat out of the bag. Dad: How bad is the damage to Kim's car Me: I didn't know there was any damage to Kim's car. Did she have another accident?
Dad: No, I don't know what you're talking about. Weren't you leaving? Me: Did someone side swipe her or did she run into them? Dad: I think it was a combination of both. Me: Oh wait, I remember now, it's ok, you've not told me anything I didn't already know.
Kim: Hey mum, what do you call it when you send smoke signals? Mum: Um, sending smoke signals.
I had to do some shopping for mum, so I grabbed some money from her purse. Me: Hey Miss K, I'm stealing granny's money. Don't tell her ok? Miss K: Gran, mum is stealing your money. Mum: What?!? Miss K: (whispering) Don't tell.
Nat: Aargh, it's so bright...I'm just staring at my future.
Me: Miss K's dad has made all kinds of grand plans for Miss K's visit during the holidays. He's taking her to the zoo, and to that giant Ferris wheel. Mum: Good grief, she'll be exhausted. Me: Meanwhile, Miss K's requests for activities have been the park, the pool and the car wash. Mum: That's my girl. Me: If her dad just listened to her, he'd save himself a fortune on admission tickets.
Dad: How is Kimberley going now? Me: She's doing ok. Dad: And how are you coping living with her? Me: I threw a shoe at her yesterday if that answers your question. Dad: Why did you throw a shoe at her?
Me: Oh I said something that bugged her so she threw her shoe at me. So I waited until she came back and lobbed it at her as hard as I could. She ended the fight by throwing a banana at me. I wasn't going to waste a good banana on her.
Me: Why is Kim posting a picture of clothes racks and asking if you remember her game of hide and seek in them? Mum: Oh when she was a kid she tried to hide in one and pulled it all down on top of herself instead. Me: Of course she did.
Me: That's it, if I ever need to ride a bike during magpie season, I'm going to wear a huge afro over the top of it Mum: Ok then. Me: It's the helmet they hate, so if I cover it with a giant wig they'll leave me alone. Plus it's totally legal to wear a wig over your helmet. Mum: In that case why just do it during magpie season? Do it for funsies. Me: That's just what I'll do. All year round, afro helmet. 
Well that's all from me for this month, don't forget to keep the buzz going and visit the other bloggers participating today. 

Why abstinence based education is harmful at any age

So today I have a ranty post for you guys, and I'd love to hear opinions that aren't mine at the end of this, so pay close attention lovely peoples.

For a bit of a background before I get into the nitty gritty, NAPCAN (or the National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect) are holding their annual child protection week from 4th to 10th September. As a part of the lead up to this week, and as a new initiative brought into schools, daycare centres and kindergartens, all children are being given lots of lectures about safety and healthy living at the moment. In Miss K's kindergarten in the last week alone they have used this as an excuse to discuss healthy foods, anatomy and exercise. They will also be holding various conversations about protective behaviour etc. One thing they have already discussed is acceptable physical contact, but I'm not impressed with the way they have handled this.

On Wednesday afternoon when all us parents went in to pick up our darling monsters, the head teacher informed us all that they had had to have a discussion about appropriate physical contact between the kids while at kindergarten. They had put in a total ban on hugging and kissing, and the kids saying I love you to each other.  This isn't the part I really had a problem with, I know that a zero contact policy is usually the norm at schools and kindergartens, so while bringing problems of its own, it is to be expected. It was when she told us that they had also informed the kids of the acceptable people to hug and kiss outside of kindergarten that I had an issue. Now I'm not sure if she was only giving us the abridged version for the sake of not holding us up too long, however when it was explained to us, she informed that the list of acceptable people to hug, kiss, and give admissions of love to outside of kindergarten consisted of parents, grandparents and siblings. That was the entire list she gave to us. Later on at home when I questioned Miss K about this, she repeated that list back to me, however given she has proven time and time again that she doesn't have the most reliable memory, she may have only been going off the abridged version that we were given at pick up. But even if that wasn't the complete list, that is what Miss K has taken from their conversation and I am mad as hell about this.

Number one, while I appreciate that they are madly trying to cram as much education about protective behaviours into a tiny window of space, with an audience not known for its attention span, it's not their damn job to dictate what my child does outside of kindergarten. I am the one who makes the rules outside of those four walls, and I do not appreciate anyone coming in and thinking they know better than me about what is best for my child. This new protective behaviours education is meant to be aimed at the parents, and not the children, so lecture me by all means, but don't do it through my child.

Number two, if that was the complete list of acceptable people to hug, go to hell. In my family alone there are eight aunts and uncles and five cousins which were excluded from that list. Then there are the family friends who we love to give affection too. Then there are the ladies at the supermarket who are always up for a hug and a chat. By making any kind of list of acceptable people to give physical affection too, they make this a shameful act, which it isn't. It is an innocent show of love and friendship given by an incredibly friendly child, and to place limits on it changes it into something dirty which I refuse to allow to happen. This isn't like the list of people Miss K isn't allowed to swear in front of, this isn't something we have to hide. Physical affection is an actual biological need. Multiple studies have shown the importance of affection and physical contact to the human brain and body, and to limit it runs the risk of harm.

I already put zero tolerance physical contact rules right up there next to abstinence based sexual education programs, and this just cements my convictions. By teaching kids the best way to be safe is to not do something, you do them a disservice. You ignore a young person's natural inclination towards curiosity and experimentation, and you fail to keep them safe. By teaching abstinence of any form, you fail to teach children to know their own limits and the limits of the people around them. You fail to teach them self preservation, because it assumes that for the rest of their life, everyone is just going to comply to the rules they were taught, which never ever actually happens. You also fail to teach them about consent which is one of the biggest lesson we can teach our kids before we let them out into the big wide world. In the short term abstinence looks like the safest option, but we have seen time and time again that it is the most dangerous thing to learn.

The only silver lining I can see out of all of this is that it forced me to have a conversation with Miss K about consent. We sat down at home and I explained to her that people were allowed to not want physical affection, and that she has to accept their wishes, I also let her know that she was allowed to refuse physical contact, and that it was her right to have her refusal accepted. This is the lesson she was meant to learn that day, not that hugs are dirty and must be stopped. I'm sure I'll need to have this conversation again and again, especially as she gets older and I begin preparing her for a world where rape apologists exist, but for now it is simply about being allowed to say no to a hug.

I would love to know what you think. Am I overreacting in my anger at the kindergarten? Do you think they botched their attempts? Do you agree with them? Let me know down below in the comments.

This is what happens when you give me 3 days notice

So for anyone who read my last post you might think that was enough insanity for this week. Sadly there is no such thing as enough insanity in our household, so allow me to show you yet another moment that had me wanting to tear my hair out. 

Do I have any people in my audience who work for the Department of Education?? No need to out yourselves, especially after the rant I'm about to go on, but can this be passed on to the higher ups somewhere pretty please? I'm asking, no I'm begging you guys to stop organising dress up days at schools and kindergartens.

For anyone out there who thinks I'm just being a grinch right now, clearly you have never had the panic of being told THREE DAYS before a dress up event that your child is required to come to school/kindergarten this week dressed up as something from some random theme that there is no way in hell you have anything that relates to in your dress up box. Admittedly our dress up box is one fairy dress because Miss K really isn't into dressing up much, and she rarely wears the one costume she does own. She's just as happy putting on a pair of my shoes and pretending to be me. But when the theme of your dress up day is "Australian" it is difficult to put a national spin on a fairy dress. Short of teaming it with a pair of thongs (flip flops Americans, I know.) and a bottle of VB beer and going as a bogan fairy, I really struggled to come up with an idea. (For any non-Australians who don't know what a bogan is, please feel free to Google it.)

For any of you who aren't from Australia, you definitely have no idea what the heck I'm panicking about, so allow me to fill you in. Here in Australia we are about to celebrate book week starting on 20th August. I know this is about three months after you guys do, but we're always about a step behind so it's all good. This year the theme was Australian books/illustrators. I'm all for highlighting the local talent we have around here, especially for authors whose works I have enjoyed in the past like John Marsden, Paul Jennings, Andy Griffiths, and the wonderful Melina Mallos whose latest book I reviewed a few months ago. So for me that part was a big plus. The giant steaming bag of poop however was that I didn't find out until Monday of this week that we had to dress up on Thursday, and it had to fit the theme of book week. If I was any more fiscal than I actually am this wouldn't be a problem, I could just run down to the local shopping centre and find a costume. However given it is currently my off pay week, and any money I do have I've selfishly decided needs to be spent on food, this was not an option.

Luckily for me, this isn't my first rodeo. I have been given minimal notice of special occasions more than once by our kindergarten, despite the fact that we have a Facebook page and they have our email addresses so they can send out newsletters, so I know what it means to rush around like a headless chicken just so my child isn't left out of the fun. First I had to Google Australian children's books for inspiration and discovered to my joy that two of my favourite kids books are actually by Australians, Where is the Green Sheep and The Very Cranky Bear. My first thought was she could go as the green sheep, and just stay home and have a nap. (For any of you who haven't read Where is the Green Sheep and do not get my reference, please go out and find yourself a copy, it is a great book for kids, and it is so easy to read Miss K reads it to me nowadays.) But in the end I decided that would be too mean so we decided to dress Miss K up as the very cranky bear. I was able to do this with thanks to an empty egg carton, an old headband I had lying around and some icy pole sticks and toothpicks. It wasn't pretty by any means, and if Martha Stewart was grading me I'd get a C for effort and an F for enthusiasm. There is photographic evidence, just because this will look excellent on her photo board at her 21st, but that doesn't mean I can't share it now with you guys. I call this photos "This is what happens when you give me 3 days notice."

That's her best cranky bear face. Either that or she's impersonating the hunchback of Notre Dame, I really can't tell. 

Of course you look at the grin on her face in that picture and you realise she loves her costume, so I guess I can call it a win. What that photo does not show is the fact that one minute after the picture was taken the headpiece broke, so she ended up going to kindergarten with a bear nose. So my C for effort changed to an F.

The kindergarten very kindly told us that we didn't have to follow the theme if it was too hard. The only problem is they did it on Wednesday night after I had already spent an hour making this thing and I had no other alternative anyway so we went with cranky bear followed closely by her stressed and very cranky mum. I like to team with the theme you know. (Hats off to any Kath and Kim fans who read that in Kath's voice just now.)

So this is why I'm begging the powers that be to please stop making dress up days a part of the curriculum. You probably think you're doing something nice for the kids, breaking up the monotony that is learning, and giving them fun memories to carry on into their adulthood. What you don't see is the stressed out parents behind the scenes madly trying to figure out how to turn an old beer box and three empty tin cans into a cowboy outfit. We put enough pressure on ourselves to be perfect parents without you guys adding to that pressure by increasing our workload with all of these "fun" extra activities. 

Well that's all from me for now, there will definitely be more insanity to come soon, as I have so many more reasons to pull my hair out right now I'll be as bald as Bruce Willis before you know it. Is anyone interested in doing a reboot of GI Jane anytime soon because I'm sure I'll be a shoe-in for the lead. You'll even get my best crazy eyed stare for free. 

An Open Letter to My Daughter's Kindergarten

To the wonderful teachers who are stuck with my daughter fifteen hours a week,

Today I am writing to you with a plea for change. Normally I'm not one to complain. Normally I'm just happy accepting that life is full of ups and downs and I can usually coast through it all with a smile. But not any more.

For the most part I love what you do. You get my daughter away from her tablet and her television without complaint, you manage to get through five hours a day without her constantly begging for food and drinks like she's a starved orphan who hasn't eaten for weeks, and you get her out of my hair three days a week, for which I love you all truly, madly, deeply. But when I come to pick up my daughter every day, you never return my sweet little princess back to me. For some reason you always lump me with a giant mud monster, and this has to stop.

Exhibit A: The result of ten minutes of scrubbing mud from ONE child's jumper. You don't want to know what the rest of the bathroom looked like when I was finished scrubbing.

I get that kids love getting down and dirty, and I get that letting them play in the mud is great for all sorts of reasons. But I'm not entirely sure that the children aren't staging mud wrestling events while in your care, which is the only explanation I can find for why they go home absolutely caked in mud every. single. day. Now if these mud wrestling matches have some kind of educational purpose, whether it be you're teaching them economics by letting them bet on the matches, or you're teaching them about physics, by showing them how to body slam their opponent into oblivion, then it would be a totally different story; but from what Miss K tells me, she has learned absolutely nothing from these experiences other than mud is awesome.

Apparently she only needed 45 minutes to get this dirty

I really shouldn't be surprised that Miss K has taken a shine to jumping through every puddle of mud she ever lays her eyes on, especially given that she feels that Peppa Pig is her spirit animal, but surely not every child has the same spirit animal, and yet I notice that nearly every child is covered in mud from head to toe by the end of the day. All of us parents stand outside in a group prayer every afternoon before you let us in to sign our progeny out for the day, begging for the mud to go no higher than the children's gumboots, and every day we all laugh with you about how much fun our children had getting absolutely filthy. We give sympathetic glances to the parents with the blackest children, and mentally congratulate ourselves for teaching our children about restraint when playing with dirt. Then we all head to our cars and cry into our steering wheels.

Some of the parents are beginning to get desperate. One parent is starting to buy stocks in hydrophobic solutions, in the hopes that they start making whole outfits out of the stuff one day, and another mother has just signed her daughter up for an internship with the local laundromat, just to teach her exactly what happens to dirty clothes. I myself have resorted to doing the laundry in the dark, reasoning that if I can't see them, then the stains aren't permanent. But without your help I fear anything we parents try will only be a bandaid solution.

We parents feel that since you and your staff are encouraging this kind of messy play, it is only fair that you provide free laundering services through the kindergarten. We have even discussed signing consent forms that let our kids work for you, free of charge in your laundromat, although we're checking with a lawyer right now just to make sure this doesn't constitute slave labour, and will need to get back to you before we put pen to paper.

Whatever the solution may be, something has to be done. I know you think your mud pile is beneficial to our children, however I feel it is more beneficial that I am not curled up in the fetal position next to my washing machine every single day singing the Peppa Pig theme song over and over again.

I look forward to coming to a mutually beneficial solution at your earliest convenience.

Kind Regards

Searching for Sanity


*Do any of you wonderful readers have children who enjoy getting as filthy as my own daughter does? Please share your horror stories of dirt for days and picking mud out of kids hair with me to help me get through the next six hours of scrubbing I have to do.*