Monday, 3 October 2016

Cooper's Memorial

How do you pay tribute to someone who died before you had a chance to meet them? How do  you sum up a life that was only 8 weeks in the making when it ended? How do you do all of this while you're still up to your eyeballs in grief? Luckily for me I didn't have to, because I had a sister to do the hard work for me.

For any of you who are new to this website, You'll probably want to read this post before going any further with today's story, as that gives you the back story you need to understand today.

It's been six months since my miscarriage, and because I haven't mentioned it in so long, it would be so easy to say I've done my grieving, I've moved on and everything is hunky dory, but that's not exactly the truth. The hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is the fact that Miss K still doesn't really understand what happened. She knows that Cooper isn't going to come to live with us anymore, but she thinks it's because he lives at the hospital. But whenever she brings him up I let her talk about him, I never want this to feel like a subject she can't talk about, or that it's something to avoid. She needs to be able to deal with it too.

There is still a small part of me that holds on to Cooper, especially with my original due date just over a month away. So I decided it was time to finally get his memorial framed and hung.

Appreciate the fact that my bed is made. This is not my room in its natural state.

The print is the one we originally bought for Cooper's nursery before I realised I'd had the miscarriage. The writing next to it is a poem Kimberley wrote for me the day we found out.

I still love that picture, and hot air balloons still hold a special meaning for me, so much so I'm actually considering getting a tattoo of one, when I eventually get around to getting Miss K's tattoo finished.

I couldn't get a decent picture of the poem so if you would like to read it, you can find it at the bottom of this post. Kimberley sent it to me the day of my first ultrasound, and despite the fact that she is the member of our family who can always be relied upon to say the most insane, inappropriate things at the worst possible times, she really managed to capture everything I wanted to say at the time, but was too numb to do. 

For our baby in the hot air balloon xxoo

A thousand stars appear in the sky
every night as time goes by
we'll make a wish and i'll think of you
and we will be comforted through and through
because we believe that you are there
and we'll feel your presence as we stop and stare
at the beauty that is in this world
including the beautiful boy or girl
that will be watching us all the time
and you'll know a love so pure and alive
because you were here and you were real
and there was a love that we could all feel
for you and the thought that we would meet
and we'd hold your hand and tickle your feet
but god acts in mysterious ways
and we will be confused for a million days
wishing that we could see your face
and time would stop and our hearts would race
but things have changed and we feel numb
and we will be lost in time to come
but there will be one day that we will meet
at the pearly gates in the cloudy street
and we will know that it is you
and our whole family will form a cue
to hold you tight and give you love
and share the prayers we sent to god above
to keep you safe and keep you warm
and protect you from every scary storm
your heart still beats within us all
and our love for you still grows big and tall
your mum is brave and your sister is strong
and we will comfort them all year long
our hearts feel heavy and we feel blue
but you are our family and we will always love you.

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