Saturday, 22 August 2015

August Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another fly on the wall. This post is all the weird, crazy and funny things you'd hear if you were a fly on one of my walls this month.  On a side note we found our very first blowfly in the house this week, a sure sign that summer is finally on the way. Now is the time to invest in fly spray shares on the stock market. Below is a list of all of the blogs who are participating in the fun today, be sure to visit them all and enjoy all the madness.     Baking In A Tornado      Menopausal Mother        Never Ever Give Up Hope          Just A Little Nutty                    The Momisodes   Someone Else’s Genius             Sanity Waiting to Happen    Southern Belle Charm     Juicebox Confession                  Go Mama O              Dinosaur Superhero Mommy   

Mum: If I have a heart attack in my bed, after you call the paramedics, can you hide the empty chip packets? (comes out of her room holding two handfuls of bags)
Me: Aww mum is that your version of the porn stash?
Mum: It really is.

Miss K requested a new Spiderman themed toothpaste the other day when we were shopping for a new toothbrush. This paired nicely with her new Dora the Explorer toothbrush, but I digress.  It turns out she wasn't the only one who could get excited about licensed oral hygiene products...
Mum: Wow! Spiderman toothpaste!
Me: I know! It sparkles too!
Mum: That is so awesome!
Me: I know. What else could a little girl want in a toothpaste?

Sam: I dreamed the other night that Jason went into space, and when I woke up I was convinced that it had happened. I sat there arguing with myself for five minutes that he couldn't have gone to space, because there were no photographs of the event. In the end I had to ask him if he'd gone into outer space.

Miss K and I were on one of our regular trips to the supermarket to buy essentials, and she was in a great old mood, chatting away about everything and anything, when we walked past a rather heavy set woman. It was clearly a woman, and I could tell from a mile away, but that didn't stop Miss K from saying very loudly as we passed her "look, another man!" I learned I can speed walk like a pro that day.

Another day, on another trip to the supermarket we bumped into one of our neighbours. We started with the obligatory small talk you make when you meet up with someone you only vaguely know when Miss K started talking to the neighbour, and informed her that she was Miss K's best friend. She then went on a giant rant about how good friends they were, despite the fact that she has never actually met this neighbour before.

Mum: The big boss came in today, and she said straight away "Now I can't remember everyone's names, so you'll have to tell me who you all are." I said "I'm Lyn" and she asked "which one?" (there are currently two Lyns who work in mum's team) and all I could say was "the old one?" It turns out she just wanted my surname.

Me: He's going to the Italian Australian Club.
Mum: Did you say he's going to the Chinese shadow puppet?

So Miss K thinks she has both mum and I figured out. She asked me for a chocolate, and I said no, because it was too close to dinner time. Undeterred, she then snuck the chocolate over to where mum was sitting, and started to open it next to her saying "Shhh, don't tell mum."

Miss K loves performing concerts for us. If she's feeling particularly generous she'll even take requests for songs from the audience. One day I asked her to sing a song about grandma's mustache. The lyrics went:

Granny has a mustache,
Granny has a mustache,
Granny has a mustache,
And she is nice.

Me: Come on Miss K, time to get ready for kinder
Miss K: (lays on the floor) I'm dead.
Something tells me she wasn't in the mood for kindergarten that day...

Me: Miss K go to the toilet.
Miss K: No!
Me: Go to the toilet now or I'll give you a wedgie.
Miss K: Nooo!
Me: Well what's it going to be, toilet or wedgie?
Miss K: Wedgie.

Sam: I said something today that I never though I would have to say thanks to your daughter.
Me: Oh yes?
Sam: Yes you can be a monkey, don't put that watch down your pants...
The sad thing is I understood exactly what she was talking about.

Miss K had a nightmare last weekend, and after calming her down and giving her a small drink to get her back into bed she ended up in bed with me. She tried every trick in the book to get to stay up even longer including this one...
Miss K: Mum my heart is broken.
Me: Your heart is broken? That's terrible! Should I kiss it better?
Miss K: No.
Me: What about a hug? Would a hug fix it?
Miss K: No.
Me: So what fixes a broken heart then?
Miss K: Bananas.
If only it was always that easy.

She then informed  me the next day that her heart was "beeping"

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