February Fly on the Wall

Welcome back to everyone's favourite series Fly on the Wall.



In this month's instalment, nine bloggers have joined together to share some of the funny and crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on their wall. Below is a list of all the bloggers joining in today, be sure to visit them all and enjoy all the stories.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy             

Spatulas on Parade                    

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                    

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                  

Cluttered Genius

Me: Why is there a wet towel on the floor next to my bed?
Miss K: I didn't crack an egg on the floor.
Me: Did you crack an egg on my bedroom floor?
Miss K: No.
Me: Why did you crack an egg on my floor?
Miss K: I was being a chicken

Miss K: I'm hungry.
Me: Good. There will be plenty of room in your stomach for the meat and vegetables we're having for dinner.
Miss K: I don't want that.
Me: Too bad. This isn't a democracy. Welcome to my dictatorship. You may call me fuhrer.
Miss K: I want a jam sandwich.

Mum has requested we buy her an ancestry DNA test for her 60th birthday next year, and this is the conversation we had where she explained why she wants one.
Mum; We could be vikings!
Nat: You're desperate to be a viking.
Me: I heard we could be bikies, and I was like you don't need a DNA test to become a bikie.

Nat: Have you ever said or heard someone say I'm not here to screw spiders?
Me: No, I can't say I have.
Nat; Apparently it's an Australian saying, but I've never heard it before. It's kind of the Australian version of no shit Sherlock or something.
Me: Well I always figured it was implied that I wasn't intending to screw spiders, and that I didn't need to actually express my intentions when it came to spiders.
Nat: I've seriously never heard any of my friends or anyone else say it before.
Me: Well that could be because your friends are interested in screwing spiders, did you ever think of that?

Nat: Did I ever tell you about the time Ben broke the escalator at Doncaster?
Me: Yes.
Mum: No.
Nat: We went out to a movie and went to Doncaster shopping centre for dinner afterwards. Ben was being smart and raced ahead of us to reach the escalator first, and when he got there he jumped onto the escalator and it stopped dead. The rest of us were on the floor in tears, we couldn't move.
Mum: He's just adventurous.

And now another episode of trying to have a conversation with Sam while she sleeps.

Sam fell asleep while trying to read a birthday invitation her son received. I decided to mess with her and walk up to her and randomly say "and mushrooms" She woke up shortly after.
Sam: What does this invite say?
Me: I don't know, I can't read it from here. Were you dreaming that you were reading it?
Sam: Yeah, It had something about baby chicks, and mushrooms.
Me: Yeah that last bit was me, I just wanted to mess with you.
Sam; You're a bitch.

Sam: Dad was making me drink platypus milk.
Me: What?
Sam: Dad was trying to make me drink platypus milk.
Me: He's such a dick. How did it taste?
Sam: I don't know. I woke up before I got to drink it.

Mum babysits my nephew Jacob every Wednesday so that Josh and Sam can work. I came home early one day while he was still there and he and mum came out to the gate to meet me.
Mum: Who is that?
Jacob: Grandma!
Mum: No, I'm grandma, that's Erin.
Jacob: Erin.
Mum: Can you say hi Erin?
Jacob: Hi grandma!
We then went inside where he donned a pretty sparkly tiara, then grabbed a toy saw to try to cut open our refrigerator with. And this is why mum loves babysitting Jacob.

Mum's computer kept breaking this month, and I was  complaining to Nat about it.
Me: It's probably another virus. I keep telling her not to do those bloody online quizzes but she keeps going back to them. The next time it breaks I'm just going to buy her an Etch-a-Sketch instead.
Nat: That should work.
Me: Although knowing my luck she'd get a virus on that too, then I'd need to buy Norton's anti-virus for Etch-a-Sketch.

My big sister Mandy turned 40 last weekend. Dad went up for the trip, and with the gift he gave a card from him, my sisters Nat and Kim, and Nat's partner Dave. Except because he'd forgotten about Dave's name until Kim reminded him Dave's name was at the very end next to Kim's.
Kim; It's funny because it looks like Dave's here with me.
Dad: No, I was just doing the names in gynaecological order.
Nat: Do you mean chronological order?

Nat: Did I tell you how the orthopedic shoes mum gave me went?
Me: No.
Nat: So I decided to try them out on a walk with Dave. But they were too tight on my toes, so my toes went numb, and then I started getting blisters on my heels, which then burst, so I was in so much pain I started walking like a penguin that had shit itself. In the end I took them off and walked home barefoot.
Me: Oh well just send the shoes to the op-shop.
Nat: Yeah I'm going to. I wanted to leave them on a bench but Dave wouldn't let me
Me: He doesn't think homeless people would appreciate orthopedic shoes?
Nat: Apparently not. Maybe he just doesn't want them to walk around looking like a penguin
Me: That shit itself.
Nat: Exactly.

And the biggest thing you would have seen had you been a fly on the wall at my place this month was my baby girl attending her very first day of school.

This day came way too fast for my liking, but Miss K is loving school so much, and has absolutely no problem leaving me to entertain myself for hours at a time. She's even gotten to the point where she wants to walk to the classroom by herself. I don't know whether to be proud or insulted.

July Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another instalment of Fly on the Wall. This is by far my favourite time of the month. I get to share little stories and tid-bits you'd hear if you were a fly on the wall. Today I am joined by 8 other bloggers who are all sharing their innermost crazy. Be sure to buzz around and visit all of them.

Baking In A Tornado
Menopausal Mother
Spatulas on Parade
Never Ever Give Up Hope
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
Southern Belle Charm
Go Mama O
Molly Ritterbeck

I'm going to warn you now that there is a lot  of toilet humor in today's post. I try to keep things as clean as possible around here, however sometimes life has a way of keeping things in the gutter when I'm around. If you are easily offended I'd look away now.

Mum: I think I'm hungry.
Me: Well let me know when you're sure.
Mum: Why? Are you going to do something about it?
Me: No, I'm just really invested in this story.

My little sister Kim is staying with us at the moment, and my favourite thing to do with her is turn everything she says into an innuendo. It bugs the hell out of her, but it's not my fault she's so filthy.

Me: I remember that pie I made that had the cod in it, I was pretty proud of that fish pie.
Kim: Oh I remember that. I loved eating your fish pie.
My cue to fall on the floor laughing.
Kim: Oh shut up.

Kim: Mum do you want your meat separated
My cue to fall on the floor laughing
Kim: Stop it. I'm just trying to figure out if mum wants her pork loins in twos.
I have to rush to the toilet to prevent having an accident on my couch.
Kim: I hate you.

Mum walked in to the room and started smacking me in the back of the head.
Me: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Mum: Oh sorry I'm just like Pavlov's dog. Whenever I see you I have to hit you.
Kim: Mum, it's not nice to call her Pavlov's dog.
Me: No, mum is Pavlov's dog. And for future reference it's called a Pavlovian response mum.
Kim: I know all about the pavlova response, I work in childcare.

Me: I'm a diverse person.
Mum: I thought you were about to say you're a diabetic.

Me: Mum do you have regrets?
Mum: I have a few, too few to mention.
Me: No, I'm being serious. Thanks a lot Frank Sinatra, I'm going to punch you in the nads when I next see you.

Me: Miss K have you eaten your dinner yet?
Miss K: I don't like it. I want a different dinner.
Me: Well this isn't a restaurant. You eat what I put in front of you or you go hungry.
Miss K: Well let's pretend this is a restaurant then and you make me something else.
Me: If this is a restaurant it's a soup kitchen, where you get what you're given or go hungry.
Miss K: I don't like this restaurant.

Mum: You're getting more and more anti-social as you get older.
Me: Yep I know. I love it.
Mum: I don't.
Me: When you think about it, I've spent fourteen years speaking on the phone to people I don't know or don't like.
Mum: I'm your mum.
Me: FOURTEEN YEARS MUM!

Miss K came up while I was surfing the web and started randomly mashing at my keyboard.
Me: Don't you even think about it miss.
Miss K: I'm going to think about it.

Earlier this month one of my dad's sons from his first marriage became a grandfather for the first time. This makes my dad a great-grandpa and me a great-aunt. This news disturbed me because I feel at 32 I'm way too young for this crap. However it does make for great conversations with the family.

Me: I found out today that dad is a great-grandpa.
Ben: Whose kid had kids?
Me: One of [older brothers] kids, not sure if it was [nephew 1] or [nephew 2].
Ben: That's crazy.
Me: Tell me about it. That makes you a great-uncle, and yet still so mediocre.
Ben: That's the pot calling the kettle black.

Me: This is freakin' weird.
Mum: What?
Me: I'm a great-aunt.
Mum: (laughs) Meh, you're ok...

Here is another in the wonderful series of Minecraft conversations which sound weird without context.

Eliza: I have a head. Where did that come from? Mum where are you, I have a head.

Miss K has been sick on and off with various viruses these past two months, but one night she woke up with weird swelling in her chin. I rushed her straight to our after hours medical service where we were prescribed antibiotics for an infection which had caused her glands to swell up like a balloon.

Dr: Now one of the side effects of this antibiotic is diarrhoea.
Me: Did you hear that Miss K? This medicine may give you runny poos.
Miss K: Runny poos in my neck?
I don't think the doctor appreciated that I laughed so hard at Miss K's shock.

Sadly for us, that visit to the doctor wasn't the end of the saga, and after going to my own GP for a second opinion we were told to rush to the local hospital as the swelling was an indication Miss K was forming an abscess in her neck. Miss K ended up spending three nights in hospital on IV antibiotics, and I spent three nights sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the ward next to her. but she took all of the poking, prodding and needles like an absolute trooper and on the fourth day we were finally allowed to go home. She's still on antibiotics for the time being, as there is still some swelling in her neck, but we've hopefully avoided surgery as long as her recovery continues as well as it has.

Conversation in a public toilet.
Miss K: Mum I did poos and wees.
Me: (Very aware that there is another person in the stalls with us) Yes I know you did now hurry up and finish.
Miss K: But there were lots of them.
Me: That's great. Are you done yet?
Cue the toilet next to us flushing and a woman comes out laughing.
Woman: It's ok, I have kids too.
Me: The conversations you have once you're a parent.

We had a federal election in Australia this month, and my sister Natalie decided to vote for the first time.
Nat: I have no idea who any of these people are or what they want. I remember watching some political show at dad's once and they kept talking about a cabinet, but they never once showed a picture of it. I couldn't understand what was so amazing about a stupid cabinet that they felt the need to discuss it for so long. What is this cabinet?
Me: It's the group of politicians which make up parliament. And you are one the people deciding who runs our country for the next few years.  I worry about you sometimes.

Natalie was temporarily promoted to room leader at the daycare centre she works at this month, but the promotion did not come without issues, and one of her co-workers quit suddenly, saying that she couldn't work with Natalie because she stressed her out, and now she was constipated.

Nat: I don't understand what her problem is, I looked at the roster and I only spent 3 hours and 20 minutes a day with her.
Me: Well apparently that's long enough for you to constipate someone.
Nat: Yeah. You better not spend more time than that with me otherwise you'll start having problems too.

Luckily for Natalie her bosses were able to see the humor in the situation, but Nat now has the reputation of constipating those who work around her.

Well that's it from our crazy part of the world, be sure to visit all the other bloggers joining in today, and I'll be back to share more fun again soon.

March Fly on the Wall

Welcome again to another monthly episode of Fly on the Wall. For any of you who are unfamiliar with the premise, what happens is every month a group of bloggers joins forces to share all the crazy and weird things you'd see and hear were you a fly on one of our walls.

Below is the list of bloggers who are participating this month, be sure to visit them all and see that I'm not the only mad one around here.

Baking In A Tornado  

Juicebox Confession   

Menopausal Mother  

Someone Else’s Genius        

Spatulas on Parade 

Never Ever Give Up Hope    

Go Mama O                             

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy   

Not That Sarah Michelle           

Southern Belle Charm    

Upon seeing that Miss K had spilt an entire marble run game over the living room floor:
Mum: Look at that, now your balls are all over the floor.

Me: I'm debating whether or not to have a nap. That's really the only reason I shipped Miss K off to kindergarten, so I could have daytime sleeps.

My brother in law Jason shaved off his signature goatee this month, which for some reason always causes a lot of discussion in our family. This time he didn't even warn anyone before he did it, so the first we all knew about it was when he came home one day after work with a naked face. This was the conversation...
Sam: What did you do?
Jason: I just felt like a change.
Sam: World's greatest shave?
Me: No, world's weakest chin.
Eliza: At least he makes up for it in nose size

Mum and I were making up a shopping list...
Mum: And Malteasers, in case I feel like them.
Me: Did you say Malteasers to pay for the funeral?

Kim was struggling to open a high chair at work one day. Her boss walked up and rescued the chair from her wrenching, and got it opened in two seconds, Kim decided to walk off in a huff, and yelled behind her to the laughing boss "Shut up, I never graduated high school OK?" Her boss then yelled back "You have a diploma in child care."

Miss K and I were sitting on her bed chatting one night, when I stood up she patted my backside.
Miss K: You have a big bum mum.
Me: I know honey, I ate too much sugar when I was younger. But if someone has a big bum, trust me when I say they know they have a big bum, so you should never point it out to them.
Miss K: But you do have a big bum right?
So glad she learns so much from me.

Miss K and I were at my friend Frankie's for dinner one night when two of his friends stopped in for a visit. The husband and Frankie went outside to look at his car, and I stayed inside chatting with the wife, who is originally from Texas. We were having a lovely discussion about her home town when Miss K decided we were being boring and wanted some attention. So she starts stroking the lady's face and declares "You're really old." I was mortified because this lovely lady is only ten years older than me, and hasn't aged too badly at all, but luckily she took it well and laughed. I think I need to have a discussion with Miss K about appropriate declarations to make to strangers.

Miss K: Mum, I'll be me, and you be Nonna.
Me: What? Why?
Miss K: Nonna, I'm hungry.
Me: Right. And what would Nonna say right now?
Miss K: Here, have some food.

So two days before I was meant to post this, Miss K took a tumble while running around the house (if I've told her once, I've told her a million times not to run in the house) and she ended up with a concussion. It wouldn't have been such a big deal except I was already babysitting my niece and nephew that day, so I had to rally the whole family to help me organise school pick ups, getting Miss K and I to the doctors so they could check her out, and look after a baby. In between scheduling medications and ducking streams of vomit I may have gone slightly more insane, but at the end of the day Miss K was over the worst of it, and everything else that had to be done that day got done. It's times like this I'm so grateful I have such a big and caring family, who all pitched in to keep us going. Miss K is back to her smiling, bubbly self now, and seems to be suffering from no ill effects after trying to scramble her brain. In fact her biggest annoyance about the whole day was that she had to miss kindergarten because of it.

Well that's all from me this month, I'm off to remind Miss K "gently" that she's not meant to be doing pirouettes in the living room again. Apparently she'll never learn.

January Fly on the Wall

Welcome yet again to another Fly on the Wall. I missed out on December's offering, mainly because I was going crazy enough getting Miss K ready for her kindergarten orientation and trying to do Christmas on a shoestring, I figured the fly girls would have to just miss me for one month. But if it makes you feel better I missed you guys too. And my family did as well. So without further ado, lets get into it.



It's the same deal as always guys, each month a group of bloggers get together and share the madness that you would witness if you happened to be a fly on their wall. Below is a list of all the people participating, I'm sure you'll visit them all like you do every month and share the love so I don't even need to tell you guys to do it any more.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                         Baking In A Tornado

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                            Juicebox Confession

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                            Someone Else’s Genius

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                  Spatulas on Parade

http://singlemumplusone.blogspot.com                      Searching for Sanity

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                         Never Ever Give Up Hope

http://www.gomamao.com                                    Go Mama O

http://dinoheromommy.com/                     Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com          Not That Sarah Michelle

http://www.southernbellecharm.com                   Southern Belle Charm

http://mybrainonkids.net                                     My Brain on Kids

So the first big thing that happened this month was my mum's birthday. She's 21 now (for about the thirtieth time I think) but with money being so tight, I couldn't afford to buy her something to commemorate the milestone. Luckily for me she made it very clear she didn't want gifts this year, which gave me an easy out, but I still thought it would be a good idea for Miss K to make her something. We decided on a paper machè bowl (mainly because the two things we have the most of in this house is paper and spare bowls). Miss K and I spent a good half hour pasting little squares of coloured paper onto a cling film covered bowl before she lost interest and I lost the will to live, so it ended up being a very thin bowl. When mum opened it she made all the appropriate noises and asked Miss K if she enjoyed making the bowl, to which Miss K replied "no, it was boring." 

I was bored, I had a front facing camera and Snapchat. You do the maths.

Miss K didn't seem to get the memo that Christmas ended on December 25, as she kept singing the songs for a good week or so after. Her favourite one was "Santa Claus is going on the town" 

Mum and Miss K were playing "I Spy" one afternoon to kill time.

Miss K: I spy with my little eye, something that has a beard.

Mum: Is it me?

Miss K: Yes!

My little sister finally has a boyfriend

Things I never thought I'd say to my child, the bumper edition

These are all things I have had to say this month, none of which I ever thought would pass my lips as a parent. Live and learn...

Miss K: Be careful.

Me: I know, I know. You think I've never cut a dinosaurs nails before?

Could you get the knitting needle out of your butt crack please?

Don't put your underpants on your head, put them on your legs for God's sake!

Number one, you did wee on my bed. Number two, you got chocolate all over my sheets, which annoys me more than the wee does.

How my family copes with death...

Miss K and I were visiting my big sister Sam when Miss K came into the kitchen where we were chatting.

Miss K: Can I have a drink?

Me: Yes, you can have water.

Miss K then walks over to my sister

Miss K: Mum is being silly, can I have a cordial please?

We were both laughing too hard to say anything.

I had to go to a funeral two days after Boxing Day, as my uncle's brother died right before Christmas. After everything was done and people were getting ready to head to the pub for the wake I went to my aunt and uncle to say goodbye. They thanked me for coming, at which point I thanked them for inviting me... I am the reason we need etiquette books people! Please tell me I'm not the only one stupid enough to do this at a funeral. 

Miss K has slowly been learning her alphabet, and that each letter has its own sound. She's now trying to nut out different words that start with the same letters. It's not always spot on.

Miss K: O, o, donut!

Me: Not quite, but nice try.

Mum and I were watching a cooking show together one night.

Me: Ugh I hate when cooks use nut butter, it just sounds like a euphemism.

Mum: Oh god, you're right.

While watching my nephew play Minecraft

Me: Why is he juggling arrows while jumping on a trampoline?

My favourite memory of the month would have to be the weekend Miss K and I went shopping with her dad. She recently learned that saying certain four letter words out of the blue will always make me laugh, so she decided that the perfect time to show this was in the middle of a packed shopping mall car park. Needless to say her father wasn't impressed with either of us, her because she kept shouting f-bombs, and me because I couldn't yell at her from my position on the ground laughing. We've since had a conversation about appropriate language to use in car parks. 

Well that's it for me, it's been a fun month, and I'm sure I'll have tons more crazy stuff to share with you guys next month. Be sure to visit everyone else and see that I'm not the only mad one here, we're all a little mad sometimes. 

October Fly on the Wall

Hello again people, it's time again for this month's edition of Fly on the Wall, the post where I share all the crazy, funny things that happen in my house, that you would all see if you were flies on my wall, and let me tell you right now is a good time to be a fly on my wall, because Miss K is all of a sudden terrified of spiders, so we're having to kill every single money spider or daddy long legs on sight. You really don't appreciate how good a job these guys do until you have to eradicate every single one who dares to show their face to a screechy four year old.

Before I jump into all of the fun I'll share the list of the rest of the bloggers participating this month. Today we have 14 brave bloggers all baring their crazies for your enjoyment, so be sure to visit them all.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com            Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/       Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com          Follow me home 

http://www.menopausalmom.com/             Menopausal Mother

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com               Never Ever Give Up Hope

http://themomisodes.com                          The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com          Someone Else’s Genius

http://eileensperpetuallybusy.blogspot.com/ Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

http://www.clutteredgenius.com                  Cluttered Genius

http://www.southernbellecharm.com            Southern Belle Charm

http://www.gomamao.com                          Go Mama O

http://dinoheromommy.com/                       Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://nicholemomof8.blogspot.com/            Nichole Mom of 8

I wanted to try a fishtail braid in Miss K's hair, after discovering that they are apparently stupidly easy to do. Of course anyone who says a fishtail braid is easy to do has never tried to do one on a squirmy four year old.

source

The look I was going for.

It took me half an hour to achieve something similar to the image above (sorry no pictures, Miss K had had enough of sitting down by the time we were finished.) and I was pretty proud of myself, even if I do say so. Miss K of course, not so impressed, told me that the final product was in fact not worth the amount of time she had to spend sitting still, and that she never wanted another fishtail braid put in her hair again. True to her word, every time I suggest giving her a fish tail, she politely declines and runs away. 

Me (to mum)

You're turning into a grumpy old man in your old age.

Sam: I know dad looks old, he looks really old. He looks like an 80 year old man 

Me: With the bones of an 80 year old woman to match. 

(My dad is actually in his 60's, he's just not aging well, plus he has osteoporosis AND arthritis, so he's a very frail man. He actually broke his ribs bending over the hood of a car once.)

Me: Miss K if you're going to pick your nose in the toilet could you please not wipe your boogers on the walls?

Miss K: No! 

Miss K's arachnophobia is actually beginning to impact on her everyday life. I have to go with her to the toilet every trip and inspect for spiders before she can go. Of course since I am such a sympathetic mother, I never do anything that could potentially scar her for life...

Miss K: There are no spiders in here?

Me: Nope, no spiders. Now all you need to worry about are the snakes in the toilet.

Miss K: Mum, no!

I sometimes feel bad that Miss K is an only child, so in order to show her what having a brother or sister would be like, I love to play a nice rousing game of "I'm not touching you" where I sit my finger as close to her eye as possible without touching her, then just keep repeating "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you." until she cracks it at me. It helps to pass the time.

I was trying to encourage Miss K one day for doing a good job, so I told her she was number one. She promptly responded with "No mum, I'm number four." At least she has low expectations of herself. 

We were having our fence replaced earlier this month, and I was having a much needed sleep in on the day. Miss K got out of bed and was stealing a lolly from the kitchen when mum came in. The following is the conversation they had.

Mum: Miss K, someone stole our fence! What are we going to do?

Miss K: Oh no! Don't worry, I'll go back to bed and eat my lolly and you go to the lounge room.

One night I was lying in bed dozing off when I could hear movement from Miss K's bedroom. I thought she was just shifting around in her sleep until I heard her call out for me. I jumped up and ran to her room terrified she'd wet the bed. Upon entry I found her standing next to her bed without any pants on, instead they were in a ball on the ground. She looked up at me and said "Mum, where are my pants?" I asked her why she took them off, and she looked at me like I was crazy. I then noticed the lounge room light was on, so I thought mum must be up. I went in to talk to her and the room was empty. I asked Miss K if she'd turned the light on, and again she looked at me like I was crazy. So either we have a playful ghost in our house who enjoys pantsing sleeping children, and wasting electricity, or my daughter has just discovered the joys of sleepwalking...

Miss K and I watched a video of a man getting arrested at a McDonalds in the next town over. I was telling my big sister Sam about it the next day when this happened.

Me: We saw a bad guy being arrested at McDonalds didn't we?

Miss K: Yeah, it was my dad...

It wasn't, and I'm not sure where she got that idea from, but she didn't seem entirely concerned by the fact either way.

August Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another fly on the wall. This post is all the weird, crazy and funny things you'd hear if you were a fly on one of my walls this month.  On a side note we found our very first blowfly in the house this week, a sure sign that summer is finally on the way. Now is the time to invest in fly spray shares on the stock market. Below is a list of all of the blogs who are participating in the fun today, be sure to visit them all and enjoy all the madness.

 http://www.BakingInATornado.com     Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com   Follow me home 

http://www.menopausalmom.com/      Menopausal Mother

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com        Never Ever Give Up Hope

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/          Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                    The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com   Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.angelaweight.com             Sanity Waiting to Happen

http://www.southernbellecharm.com    Southern Belle Charm

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com     Juicebox Confession

http://www.gomamao.com                  Go Mama O

http://dinoheromommy.com/              Dinosaur Superhero Mommy   

Mum: If I have a heart attack in my bed, after you call the paramedics, can you hide the empty chip packets? (comes out of her room holding two handfuls of bags)
Me: Aww mum is that your version of the porn stash?
Mum: It really is.

Miss K requested a new Spiderman themed toothpaste the other day when we were shopping for a new toothbrush. This paired nicely with her new Dora the Explorer toothbrush, but I digress.  It turns out she wasn't the only one who could get excited about licensed oral hygiene products...
Mum: Wow! Spiderman toothpaste!
Me: I know! It sparkles too!
Mum: That is so awesome!
Me: I know. What else could a little girl want in a toothpaste?

Sam: I dreamed the other night that Jason went into space, and when I woke up I was convinced that it had happened. I sat there arguing with myself for five minutes that he couldn't have gone to space, because there were no photographs of the event. In the end I had to ask him if he'd gone into outer space.

Miss K and I were on one of our regular trips to the supermarket to buy essentials, and she was in a great old mood, chatting away about everything and anything, when we walked past a rather heavy set woman. It was clearly a woman, and I could tell from a mile away, but that didn't stop Miss K from saying very loudly as we passed her "look, another man!" I learned I can speed walk like a pro that day.

Another day, on another trip to the supermarket we bumped into one of our neighbours. We started with the obligatory small talk you make when you meet up with someone you only vaguely know when Miss K started talking to the neighbour, and informed her that she was Miss K's best friend. She then went on a giant rant about how good friends they were, despite the fact that she has never actually met this neighbour before.

Mum: The big boss came in today, and she said straight away "Now I can't remember everyone's names, so you'll have to tell me who you all are." I said "I'm Lyn" and she asked "which one?" (there are currently two Lyns who work in mum's team) and all I could say was "the old one?" It turns out she just wanted my surname.

Me: He's going to the Italian Australian Club.
Mum: Did you say he's going to the Chinese shadow puppet?

So Miss K thinks she has both mum and I figured out. She asked me for a chocolate, and I said no, because it was too close to dinner time. Undeterred, she then snuck the chocolate over to where mum was sitting, and started to open it next to her saying "Shhh, don't tell mum."

Miss K loves performing concerts for us. If she's feeling particularly generous she'll even take requests for songs from the audience. One day I asked her to sing a song about grandma's mustache. The lyrics went:

Granny has a mustache,
Granny has a mustache,
Granny has a mustache,
And she is nice.

Me: Come on Miss K, time to get ready for kinder
Miss K: (lays on the floor) I'm dead.
Something tells me she wasn't in the mood for kindergarten that day...

Me: Miss K go to the toilet.
Miss K: No!
Me: Go to the toilet now or I'll give you a wedgie.
Miss K: Nooo!
Me: Well what's it going to be, toilet or wedgie?
Miss K: Wedgie.

Sam: I said something today that I never though I would have to say thanks to your daughter.
Me: Oh yes?
Sam: Yes you can be a monkey, don't put that watch down your pants...
The sad thing is I understood exactly what she was talking about.

Miss K had a nightmare last weekend, and after calming her down and giving her a small drink to get her back into bed she ended up in bed with me. She tried every trick in the book to get to stay up even longer including this one...
Miss K: Mum my heart is broken.
Me: Your heart is broken? That's terrible! Should I kiss it better?
Miss K: No.
Me: What about a hug? Would a hug fix it?
Miss K: No.
Me: So what fixes a broken heart then?
Miss K: Bananas.
If only it was always that easy.

She then informed  me the next day that her heart was "beeping"

June Fly on the Wall

Welcome again to another Fly on the Wall. This series is about sharing all the little things that we all do that are never enough on their own for a blog post, but tend to group together nicely in a post like this, just to show you that even the flies in our house are ashamed to know us.  Today 18 bloggers are participating in the challenge, and their links are written below.  Be sure to visit all of them, even if only to make you feel just a little bit better about how insane you are.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com             Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/        Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com           Follow me home

http://www.menopausalmom.com/              Menopausal Mother

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/   Stacy Sews and Schools

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com               Battered Hope

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                 Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                          The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com         Someone Else’s Genius

http://gndisney.wordpress.com                  Disneyland in Kentucky

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com            Juicebox Confession

http://dinoheromommy.com/                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.angelaweight.com                    Sanity Waiting to Happen

http://www.southernbellecharm.com           Southern Belle Charm

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                 The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://www.gomamao.com                         Go Mama O

http://eileensperpetuallybusy.blogspot.com/ Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

My brother law was recently diagnosed as diabetic. I never knew just how inappropriate conversations about blood tests could be until we all decided to play with his new blood sugar tester.

Me: Did you prick me already? I didn't feel a thing.
Sam: That's what she said.

Me: You're going to have to prick me again, I got nothing out of that one.

Me: I'm getting nothing out of this one.
Jason: Squeeze it harder then.
*inappropriate giggling from every adult in the room*

Sam: I want Eliza to have a turn. Where's his little jabby thing?
*inappropriate giggling from me*
Sam: I said his LITTLE jabby thing.
Needless to say that didn't stop the giggling.

Me: Life is more like a soap opera than we realise. The only difference is we don't do the longing stares into the difference when things go wrong.
Mum: That is so true. I'm going to make it my life's mission now to do that stare into the distance whenever something goes wrong. Can I get some dramatic music too?

Kim and I were discussing recipes from our childhood with mum when we started talking about a recipe mum had when she was a kid. This is the conversation that ensued.

Mum: I was about to say I'd ask mum, but never mind*
Me: Did you really? Aww mum.
Kim: Hold on, let me get out the ouija board...0408
Me: Hang on, that's my number, I'm not dead yet, don't summon me!

*My grandma has been dead 25 years, which somehow makes mum's initial comment even sadder.

Nat: I had to get the dinner cart downstairs to the kids at work the other day, but I hate taking the elevator, so I stuck the dinner cart on the elevator, pushed the button then raced the elevator down the stairs. Unfortunately I got halfway down the stairs and forgot what I was doing, so I just went back to my room and left the cart to ride the elevator. It could have ended up in the basement if my room leader hadn't got it for me.

Me: Did you know that strawberry flavouring comes from beaver secretions, from their scent gland.
Nat: Really? I have strawberry flavoured lip gloss.
Me: Oh. Well then, enjoy putting your beaver secretions on your lips.

Me: I feel it is inappropriate to break into 1980's songs when yelling at the children.

The court house in the town I work in has a massive circuit every three months, and all the local people going through the family law courts can have their matters heard in the area. It saves everyone having to travel an hour and a half to the next closest family law courts. The joys of living in a rural area. The latest circuit just happened this last week, and we had thirty matters going through the court in one week. Most of them happened in the first day so I had to help my boss get the case files for about 25 matters to the court house, which is half a block away from our office, so we walked the files down. I was carrying about 20 kilos worth of paperwork the whole trip, then we got to the court house and found that they were doing security scans at the front door, which meant that entry was in single file, and the queue to enter was the length of the building. Needless to say by the time we got the files into the court room my arms and legs were like jelly. The sore muscles I ended up with lasted another three days. The pain ended up so bad Miss K had to pull me up the stairs into my sister's house when I went to pick her up at night. I'm now going to request we get office skate boards before next circuit. The added bonus is I will look mega cool when I ride it down to the cafe every week to pick up our milk.

Miss K has fortnightly speech therapy sessions in a nearby town. This is a conversation she has with our therapist every single week. You would think the woman would learn by now she needs to rephrase this question.

Chloe: What is this girl doing?
Miss K: She's eating a burger.
Chloe: And where is she eating the burger?
Miss K: (pointing to the picture) Right there.

Well that's all from me for this month, be sure to buzz back again next month for another installment of crazy.

May Fly on the Wall - Oh the Insanity

Welcome one and all to another installment of Fly on the Wall. The series where you get to find out what it would be like to be a fly on the walls in 17 blogger's homes. Below is a list of all the other bloggers participating this month. Be sure to visit them all to see even more craziness than I'm about to present to you.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                   Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                 Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                  Follow me home

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                      Menopausal Mother

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/           Stacy Sews and Schools

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                         Battered Hope

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                           Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                   Someone Else’s Genius

http://gndisney.wordpress.com                             Disneyland in Kentucky

http://dinoheromommy.com/                                 Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                     Juicebox Confession

http://eileensperpetuallybusy.blogspot.com/         Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

http://www.southernbellecharm.com                    Southern Belle Charm

http://www.angelaweight.com                              Sanity Waiting to Happen

http://peopledonteatenoughfudge.blogspot.co.uk People Don’t Eat Enough Fudge

Discussing a bag of melted chocolate malt balls with mum

Mum: It's all melted together. It's going to turn into...what's his name? Gorilla.
Me: Gorilla?
Mum: No, gorilla's not right, I mean Godzilla.

Mum to Miss K
That's not an answer, it's a nod. In a cup.

Me: I got spanked by a tram :(
Side note I actually did get hit by a slow moving tram, while trying to cross a road. Don't worry I wasn't hurt, he hit me in the caboose, so the extra padding there kept me safe.

Mum: So what is whole foods, other than not halved foods?

Sympathy from mum always makes a situation better. Too bad I never get any...

Miss K made a vase for me for Mother's Day, but it was meant to be a surprise. This conversation happened after watching a kids show where the presenter made a vase out of a plastic bottle.
Me: I love that vase, it's so pretty. Someone should make me a vase so I have somewhere pretty to put flowers...
Miss K: No, I'll just sit here, you make your own vase.

Miss K and I were lying in bed one morning waiting for the alarm to go off when this conversation happened.
Miss K: I'm going to be mum. Miss K, go back to sleep.
Me: No, I want a drink and bikky
Miss K: Here have Elmo. Now shush, I'm trying to sleep. (I don't know whether to be offended or impressed that she nailed it so perfectly)

Me: Look at that idiot speeding through a car park. Don't these things have speed limits?
Mum: Sometimes, but it's hard to enforce because they're private property and not roads.
Me: Could I make a citizen's arrest?
Mum: You're welcome to try.
Me: I've always wanted to make a citizen's arrest. Maybe it should go on my bucket list. Right after star in a music video.

An ad for Magic Mike XXL came on telly one night. This is the conversation that happened after.
Mum: Magic Mike 21? What?
Me: Did you seriously just read that as a roman numeral?
Mum: Well what does it mean then?
Me: It means extra, extra large.
Mum: Oh yeah. L isn't even the roman numeral for one...

My breasts have a mind of their own. And the ability to use technology.

Miss K and I went to visit my best friend for the afternoon this month. This conversation isn't even one of the most awkward ones we've had in his presence.
Miss K: Can I take my pants off please?
Me: No, leave them on, we're not at home right now.
Miss K: I'm going to take them off...
Me: For God's sake Miss K put those pants back on right now.

During that same visit, my best friend fell asleep on the couch. This happens on occasion, and it gives me the perfect opportunity to mess with Miss K, and wake him up at the same time.
Miss K: Mum, Frankie's asleep.
Me: Is he? Awesome, I'm going to give him a wet willy
Miss K: No, don't.
Me: Well then, I'm going to give him a noogie.
Miss K: NO!
Me: Well can I give him a wedgie then?
Miss K: Mum, just stop!
Me: That's it, I'm gonna do it.
Miss K: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
No one can sleep through an air raid siren.

So one of Miss K's many speech impediments means she can't say the word very. It always comes out as hairy, no matter how much I correct her. So I decided to have some fun one day.

Me: Miss K, can you say very balls?
Miss K: Hairy balls.
Me: Good girl. Now go tell grandma very balls.
20 seconds later I hear mum laughing in the kitchen before telling me off.

Miss K was throwing a tantrum in the back yard last week, and she started to walk stiff legged while ranting.
Me: What's wrong with your legs?
Miss K: They're boring.

This is why my dad no longer discusses cars with me. I can never take the conversation seriously.

And the winner for the weirdest sentence I have heard all month:-

Ben to Nat: You like penis because your nose is really smooth right now.

And now for some context, he was discussing Auslan, where the sign for penis is a downward stroke of the nose. Why Nat's nose was smooth never was explained to me, so even with context that is still a weird sentence.

Well that's about all the crazy I can fit into one blog post, be sure to visit everyone else and enjoy the show.