May Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for Fly on the Wall. The series that allows you a sneak peek of all the crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall at our house. 

Today 9 bloggers are participating in the fun. Be sure to visit them all to keep the fun going.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy 

Spatulas on Parade                    

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                   

Not That Sarah Michelle

 I have a friend Helen whose daughter went to kindergarten with Miss K last year, and they've come to the same school as us this year. One day I had Helen on the phone with me for an hour worried senseless about her daughter's refusal to complete her school work and her attitude in general, and all I could do was reassure her that what her daughter was going through was pretty normal for a 6-year-old, and she shouldn't be so hard on herself. Not even an hour after I got off the phone with her the school called me to let me know Miss K had decided that day was the perfect day to go on strike and she was refusing to do any of her work. I got the issue sorted out, but figured this was just what Helen needed to hear to make her feel better. So, come pick up time I marched through the school gates to Miss K's classroom, interrupted Helen's conversation with some of the other mums and proudly yelled out

"You want proof all 6 year olds are assholes? my daughter went on strike today."     

Needless to say, my yelling got the attention of all the other mums, so Helen had to explain why I was yelling about asshole kids, and then we all spent the next 10 minutes sharing war stories of all the attitude we get off our darling children. On the plus side, Helen felt much better by the time the kids were finished school for the day. 

Miss K and I were snuggling together in my polar fleece blanket.

Miss K: This blanket is made of polar bear fleas. 

Nat: Did you know Dave has never seen Robin Hood Men in Tights?
Me: Seriously? Was he raised in a cupboard under the stairs or something?
Nat: I think so.

This is what happens when you leave my sister Nat unsupervised for 3 days. Her answer to my question was 'bout 5'4"

Miss K has discovered that she can whistle much to my dismay.

Me: Miss K put your whistle in your pocket.

Miss K simulates pulling a whistle out of her mouth and then mashes her hand in my face.

Me: Did you just take my whistle out too?

Miss K: No, I put it in you.

Me: That's what he said.

Miss K: What?
Me: Never mind. Are you ready to go yet?

Sam was complaining to me about someone talking crap about her to her husband Jason.

Sam: Don't waste your time being nice to my face only to talk crap about me behind my face.

Eliza starts laughing uncontrollably 

Sam: What?
Eliza: No, nothing, I just think it would be a bit hard to squeeze in behind your face to start talking about you.

Sam: Oh, yeah, it's behind my back, isn't it?

Me: Yeah.

Miss K: You have to marry dad.

Me: Nah, I don't wanna do that, he smells.

Miss K: If you don't marry daddy, he'll never be my uncle.

Me: Um that's not how that works sweetheart.

Nat: How do you make orange? It's yellow and red, right?

Me: Do I need to make you watch Blue’s Clues again to learn your colours?

Nat: Did I tell you about the time I tried to make purple paint at work?

Me: No.

Nat: So, purple is made of blue and red right? Well for some reason I mixed green and red together.

Me: So, you made a lovely shade of poo brown then?

Nat: Yep. I just stared at it and was like wait a minute, you're not purple.

One day I was at Sam's place typing up a blog post while she had a nap on the couch. At one stage, she sits bolt upright in her chair

Sam: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?

I jump in fright and look over at her and she's staring into the kitchen. I look in the kitchen and see nothing.

Me: What the hell is what?

By the time the words have left my mouth she's lying back down again asleep and I had to spend the next ten minutes trying to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. I still have no idea what she saw because she doesn't remember it at all.

Me: I remember when you went through that phase where you wanted to name all your pets foreign words for animals. Like you have a fish and you name it fish.

Nat: Yeah, the problem with that was the only other word I knew for fish was from an Asian language and it was literally just five or six fs. So, I would have just gone around saying "This is my fish, ffffff."

Text from Ady. Just call me Amy Farafella. Also, my go to attack seems to be to accuse everyone of being high the minute they stop making any sense to me.

Mum: So, the youngest cleaner at school is dating one of the students, and she comes and helps him at work. Well she's been taking a lot of days off lately to take care of her mum, and she's been warned she needs to start attending more. Tonight, she's helping her boyfriend and she spots her co-ordinator talking to someone else and she ducks out of sight. Five minutes later her boyfriend comes walking down the path with a random bin he's not meant to have, and no girlfriend to be seen. He was sneaking her past the teacher in the bin. 

The following conversation is related to the computer game Minecraft

Nat: The other night my pigs decided to form a pig centipede.

Me: Ew, that's creepy.

Nat: Yeah it is, to say the least. Actually, to say the least would be to say "eh".

Me: And to think we used to have to pretend to laugh at your jokes when you were a kid.

Nat: Hey! Maybe it was a good thing that worked.

Me: Well that was the plan.

Nat: Dave thinks I'm funny.

Me: Dave grew up living under the stairs, of course he thinks you're funny.

Sam: There's one important thing we forgot to consider when buying our son a bunk bed.

Me: Oh yeah? What's that?
Sam: How long it takes to get off a bunk bed when you need to vomit.

Me: Oh dear. 

I'll spare you the gory details, but needless to say, my nephew didn't make it to the toilet in time.

Sam A: I used to be convinced that my life was like a reality show and I was the star.

Me: I used to think that too, but it made me really self-conscious when I needed to pick my nose. 

Miss K: Mum is my heart beating?
I put my head on her chest and check
Me: It sure is kiddo.

Miss K: So, I'm not dead then?
Me: No, I'm pretty sure you're still alive.

Miss K: Phew.

I help out in Miss K's class on Fridays. This is a conversation I had with one of the boys in the reading group I take each week.

Connor: Your name is Grumpy Old Man Zucchini.

Me: Oh yeah? Well your name is Disgruntled Pumpkin. 

Connor: You're completely bonkers.

Me: Yep.

Well that's all the crazy I can squeeze into one post for now, be sure to visit all the other bloggers as they've all got their own special brand of fun going on today too.

March Fly on the wall

It's that time of the month again (no, not that time, get your head out of the gutter) It's time for Fly on the Wall. Everyone's favourite series.


For any of you not familiar with this, every month a group of bloggers join up and share all of the crazy, weird, and funny things you would hear were you a fly on their wall. Today there are 9 bloggers participating, so be sure to visit them all just to get a full dose of crazy.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy            

Go Mama O                        

Spatulas on Parade                    

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen

When I Grow Up 

Mum: I think I have that thing in my foot, that plantar...
Me: Fasciitis?
Mum: Yeah. That's what stops me from being able to stand up. I get this pain in the ball of my foot.
Me: I thought you were going to say a pain in your balls then.
Mum: Well I am a lady you know, I don't like talking about those things.

A few weeks later...

Mum: What's that fasciitis thing I've got in my foot?
Me: Necrotising?
Mum: God I hope not.

I walked into the lounge one day to hear mum mumbling to herself.
Mum: I'm just talking to myself, discussing my issues.
Me: I know. To someone who cares.

Sam: Uranus is smaller than Earth isn't it?
Me: Well I certainly hope it is. (Dissolve into giggles like a child.) One of these days I'm going to grow up.
Sam: I'm not holding my breath. They've got a picture of Uranus here with rings around it.
Me: Yes I'm well aware of the rings around Uranus. (Further childish giggling). This is why I love owning my own business. If I worked for someone else I'd get in trouble for laughing about the rings around Uranus. I'm sure that would count as sexual harassment.

Me: Miss K, get that tea towel off your head and dry the dishes NOW!!!
Miss K: This is not my favourite idea.

I was complaining to mum one day after Miss K had been particularly whiny and defiant all day.
Mum: Now you know why they called my mum a martyr.
Me: I don't know how grandma did this with 7 kids.
Mum: Hey! I did it with 6 kids, and one of them was you.
Me: Yes, but I must have been a punishment for something mum, what did you do?
Mum: Where do I begin?

So someone tried to scam my little brother online, but luckily for him he was smart enough to check the scammer out and didn't end up losing anything. I was telling my little sister the story when this conversation happened.

Nat: It's getting harder and harder to scam people these days.
Me: Yep, everyone is too suspicious, except for old people, they're still confused by all this new fangled technology.
Nat: Yeah. That's why I think the parental lock needs to be something entirely different.
Me: You mean like please confirm you are under 16 years to continue?
Nat: Yeah. They could use questions about Justin Bieber to screen out the old people that would fall for any scams.

Nat: So I had my implanon removed today, but it was put in really deep, so they had to cut further in than they normally do. But once they'd removed it, they just stuck the cut together with sticky tape.
Me: Bit of duct tape, she'll be right.
Nat: They covered the sticky tape with gauze and I've already bled through it.
Me: Why didn't they give you stitches?
Nat: I don't know. Maybe it was too small a cut for stitches.
Me: Well normally if it's too small for stitches they just stick some super glue in that sucker and send you home, but I guess in this case if it moves and it shouldn't, just fix it with duct tape.

It's been nearly 2 months since Miss K started school, and her favourite thing now is reading. Lucky for us as she has daily reading homework, so if she hated it we'd have a nightly fight on our hands.  Miss K and I were reading her school book one night when she came across the word animal.
Miss K: an...im...al. Aminal.
Me: Close enough.

One afternoon I had an appointment scheduled with Miss K's teacher to check her progress. Miss K had wandered off with some friends and couldn't find me when she returned to the classroom despite my yelling and waving my arms over my head at her for five full minutes.
Me: You finally found me. We're going to have to get your eyes tested kiddo, that took way longer than it should have.
Miss K then went to her teacher
Miss K: I'm testing my eyes. I couldn't find mum with them.
Needless to say the teacher was more than a little confused by this statement.

Nat and her partner Dave went on holidays to Queensland a few weeks ago. Shortly after they landed I got a text from her
Nat: Do you want to hear an embarrassing story about me?
Me: Always.
Nat: While we were leaving the plane I starte doing that excited dance with my fingers that Ben always does. Dave goes "what are you doing?" and I replied "when I'm excited my fingers just need to dance."
Me: You're an idiot. Thanks for the story though.
Nat: Dave looked like he wanted to run away from me. It just slipped out of my mouth like word vomit.
Me: If only he knew just how weird it gets.

Miss K's Nonna is coming down this weekend to visit. I got a call from Ady a few days ago to check some details as she's staying at our house while she's here.
Ady: Do you want mum to cook anything for you?
Me: Nothing springs to mind.
Ady: She said she'll cook her chicken soup lasagne if you want it.
Me: Oh my God yes please. Tell her I will love her forever if she makes me her soup lasagne
Ady: Why don't you love me forever? I've cooked for you?
Me: Oh please the only thing you ever cooked for me was fried dim sims and you set fire to my kitchen. Besides it's been years since your mum made me her soup lasagne. I'd marry her for that lasagne if I could.

And the biggest thing that happened this month was my baby girl turned 6! Her birthday was yesterday but because it was a weekday and she had school, we're having her party today so while you are reading this post, I will most probably be running around my kitchen like a headless chicken trying to get everything ready. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some panicking to do.

February Fly on the Wall

Welcome back to everyone's favourite series Fly on the Wall.



In this month's instalment, nine bloggers have joined together to share some of the funny and crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on their wall. Below is a list of all the bloggers joining in today, be sure to visit them all and enjoy all the stories.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy             

Spatulas on Parade                    

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                    

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                  

Cluttered Genius

Me: Why is there a wet towel on the floor next to my bed?
Miss K: I didn't crack an egg on the floor.
Me: Did you crack an egg on my bedroom floor?
Miss K: No.
Me: Why did you crack an egg on my floor?
Miss K: I was being a chicken

Miss K: I'm hungry.
Me: Good. There will be plenty of room in your stomach for the meat and vegetables we're having for dinner.
Miss K: I don't want that.
Me: Too bad. This isn't a democracy. Welcome to my dictatorship. You may call me fuhrer.
Miss K: I want a jam sandwich.

Mum has requested we buy her an ancestry DNA test for her 60th birthday next year, and this is the conversation we had where she explained why she wants one.
Mum; We could be vikings!
Nat: You're desperate to be a viking.
Me: I heard we could be bikies, and I was like you don't need a DNA test to become a bikie.

Nat: Have you ever said or heard someone say I'm not here to screw spiders?
Me: No, I can't say I have.
Nat; Apparently it's an Australian saying, but I've never heard it before. It's kind of the Australian version of no shit Sherlock or something.
Me: Well I always figured it was implied that I wasn't intending to screw spiders, and that I didn't need to actually express my intentions when it came to spiders.
Nat: I've seriously never heard any of my friends or anyone else say it before.
Me: Well that could be because your friends are interested in screwing spiders, did you ever think of that?

Nat: Did I ever tell you about the time Ben broke the escalator at Doncaster?
Me: Yes.
Mum: No.
Nat: We went out to a movie and went to Doncaster shopping centre for dinner afterwards. Ben was being smart and raced ahead of us to reach the escalator first, and when he got there he jumped onto the escalator and it stopped dead. The rest of us were on the floor in tears, we couldn't move.
Mum: He's just adventurous.

And now another episode of trying to have a conversation with Sam while she sleeps.

Sam fell asleep while trying to read a birthday invitation her son received. I decided to mess with her and walk up to her and randomly say "and mushrooms" She woke up shortly after.
Sam: What does this invite say?
Me: I don't know, I can't read it from here. Were you dreaming that you were reading it?
Sam: Yeah, It had something about baby chicks, and mushrooms.
Me: Yeah that last bit was me, I just wanted to mess with you.
Sam; You're a bitch.

Sam: Dad was making me drink platypus milk.
Me: What?
Sam: Dad was trying to make me drink platypus milk.
Me: He's such a dick. How did it taste?
Sam: I don't know. I woke up before I got to drink it.

Mum babysits my nephew Jacob every Wednesday so that Josh and Sam can work. I came home early one day while he was still there and he and mum came out to the gate to meet me.
Mum: Who is that?
Jacob: Grandma!
Mum: No, I'm grandma, that's Erin.
Jacob: Erin.
Mum: Can you say hi Erin?
Jacob: Hi grandma!
We then went inside where he donned a pretty sparkly tiara, then grabbed a toy saw to try to cut open our refrigerator with. And this is why mum loves babysitting Jacob.

Mum's computer kept breaking this month, and I was  complaining to Nat about it.
Me: It's probably another virus. I keep telling her not to do those bloody online quizzes but she keeps going back to them. The next time it breaks I'm just going to buy her an Etch-a-Sketch instead.
Nat: That should work.
Me: Although knowing my luck she'd get a virus on that too, then I'd need to buy Norton's anti-virus for Etch-a-Sketch.

My big sister Mandy turned 40 last weekend. Dad went up for the trip, and with the gift he gave a card from him, my sisters Nat and Kim, and Nat's partner Dave. Except because he'd forgotten about Dave's name until Kim reminded him Dave's name was at the very end next to Kim's.
Kim; It's funny because it looks like Dave's here with me.
Dad: No, I was just doing the names in gynaecological order.
Nat: Do you mean chronological order?

Nat: Did I tell you how the orthopedic shoes mum gave me went?
Me: No.
Nat: So I decided to try them out on a walk with Dave. But they were too tight on my toes, so my toes went numb, and then I started getting blisters on my heels, which then burst, so I was in so much pain I started walking like a penguin that had shit itself. In the end I took them off and walked home barefoot.
Me: Oh well just send the shoes to the op-shop.
Nat: Yeah I'm going to. I wanted to leave them on a bench but Dave wouldn't let me
Me: He doesn't think homeless people would appreciate orthopedic shoes?
Nat: Apparently not. Maybe he just doesn't want them to walk around looking like a penguin
Me: That shit itself.
Nat: Exactly.

And the biggest thing you would have seen had you been a fly on the wall at my place this month was my baby girl attending her very first day of school.

This day came way too fast for my liking, but Miss K is loving school so much, and has absolutely no problem leaving me to entertain myself for hours at a time. She's even gotten to the point where she wants to walk to the classroom by herself. I don't know whether to be proud or insulted.

September Fly on The Wall

Welcome yet again to another instalment of my favourite post I do every single month. Yes, it is time yet again for Fly on the Wall. For any of you here who are new to this, what happens is every month a bunch of us bloggers join up and share some of the crazy stuff that you would see were you a fly on the wall at our house.


Today there are nine bloggers joining in the fun, so be sure to visit them all and keep the fun going.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother   

Go Mama O                                           

Spatulas on Parade                                            

Never Ever Give Up Hope                        

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy      

The Bergham Chronicles     

When I Grow Up

Mum and I were watching telly one night Mum: I think the person speaking is that woman, oh what's her name? Angela Mayo? Me: Who? Mum: No, wait, it's Maya Angelou.
Eliza goes to high school just across the road from our house, so sometimes she comes to visit us during her lunch time. One day she needed to escape a couple of mean girls so she came over and called her mum. Sam: Are you having troubles with bitchy girls again? Eliza: What? Itchy gills? I don't have itchy gills.
Kim: I was not paying attention this morning when I was getting ready for work, and I forgot to put my skirt on. It wasn't until I walked out the door that I noticed it was really cold. Then I looked down and realised I was standing in the front yard wearing just my work shirt and my stockings.    One day I went to pick Miss K up from kindergarten and the head teacher made us all wait before leaving so she could let us know the children witnessed one of their pet chickens eating a frog that day. She also informed us the children had stopped the teachers from interrupting the chicken's tasty meal. I was pretty sure Miss K wasn't too traumatised by this event since she insisted on playing the chicken chases the frog around our living room for the rest of the afternoon. 
The next week I found out from Miss K that the kindergarten's pet yabby Sam had passed away too. Upon checking the kindergarten's Facebook page I found pictures from the funeral they held that day. Me: They had a funeral for a yabby at kindergarten today. I don't know how I feel about this. The kids even decorated his coffin. Mum: I just want to know if they played rock lobster as they buried it.
Nat: I would love, just to mess with people, to spell my son's name George, but have it pronounced Henry.  Me: I suppose it's better than naming your son cod-eye Nat: It's not cod-eye, it's Codi.
Me: If you spell your son's name like that I will call him cod-eye and nothing else.
Kim: Erin how do you have your coffee? Me: I like my coffee strong and sweet, just like me. Kim: Ok If it's just like you I'll add a dash of autism to the water. 
Sam and Jason were discussing a local supermarket Sam: I don't want to go back there. We bought our chompy up thing from there and it broke almost immediately. Me: Chompy up thing? Are you talking about a mulcher? Sam: Yeah. The chompy up thing. 
Miss K was lying on the couch one day making weird noises with her mouth. Mum: Oh look, she's jukeboxing. Me: I think the word you're looking for is beat boxing mum.
Kim: I lashed out this afternoon and bought a new jacket. Me: You punched someone for a jacket?
Natalie got sent home from work with a sore back last week, but couldn't resist being a smarty pants when her boss was worried about her. Boss: How are you going to drive home? Natalie: holds her hands up like she is steering an invisible car. Like this. Boss: If you are not careful I will pick you up and throw you back into the baby room.
Kim had a tiny fender bender a few weeks ago, there was no real damage to either car, so it was mentioned once and then I forgot about it entirely. I did however manage to scare the crap out of dad when he thought he'd let the cat out of the bag. Dad: How bad is the damage to Kim's car Me: I didn't know there was any damage to Kim's car. Did she have another accident?
Dad: No, I don't know what you're talking about. Weren't you leaving? Me: Did someone side swipe her or did she run into them? Dad: I think it was a combination of both. Me: Oh wait, I remember now, it's ok, you've not told me anything I didn't already know.
Kim: Hey mum, what do you call it when you send smoke signals? Mum: Um, sending smoke signals.
I had to do some shopping for mum, so I grabbed some money from her purse. Me: Hey Miss K, I'm stealing granny's money. Don't tell her ok? Miss K: Gran, mum is stealing your money. Mum: What?!? Miss K: (whispering) Don't tell.
Nat: Aargh, it's so bright...I'm just staring at my future.
Me: Miss K's dad has made all kinds of grand plans for Miss K's visit during the holidays. He's taking her to the zoo, and to that giant Ferris wheel. Mum: Good grief, she'll be exhausted. Me: Meanwhile, Miss K's requests for activities have been the park, the pool and the car wash. Mum: That's my girl. Me: If her dad just listened to her, he'd save himself a fortune on admission tickets.
Dad: How is Kimberley going now? Me: She's doing ok. Dad: And how are you coping living with her? Me: I threw a shoe at her yesterday if that answers your question. Dad: Why did you throw a shoe at her?
Me: Oh I said something that bugged her so she threw her shoe at me. So I waited until she came back and lobbed it at her as hard as I could. She ended the fight by throwing a banana at me. I wasn't going to waste a good banana on her.
Me: Why is Kim posting a picture of clothes racks and asking if you remember her game of hide and seek in them? Mum: Oh when she was a kid she tried to hide in one and pulled it all down on top of herself instead. Me: Of course she did.
Me: That's it, if I ever need to ride a bike during magpie season, I'm going to wear a huge afro over the top of it Mum: Ok then. Me: It's the helmet they hate, so if I cover it with a giant wig they'll leave me alone. Plus it's totally legal to wear a wig over your helmet. Mum: In that case why just do it during magpie season? Do it for funsies. Me: That's just what I'll do. All year round, afro helmet. 
Well that's all from me for this month, don't forget to keep the buzz going and visit the other bloggers participating today. 

July Fly on the Wall

Welcome to another instalment of Fly on the Wall. This is by far my favourite time of the month. I get to share little stories and tid-bits you'd hear if you were a fly on the wall. Today I am joined by 8 other bloggers who are all sharing their innermost crazy. Be sure to buzz around and visit all of them.

Baking In A Tornado
Menopausal Mother
Spatulas on Parade
Never Ever Give Up Hope
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
Southern Belle Charm
Go Mama O
Molly Ritterbeck

I'm going to warn you now that there is a lot  of toilet humor in today's post. I try to keep things as clean as possible around here, however sometimes life has a way of keeping things in the gutter when I'm around. If you are easily offended I'd look away now.

Mum: I think I'm hungry.
Me: Well let me know when you're sure.
Mum: Why? Are you going to do something about it?
Me: No, I'm just really invested in this story.

My little sister Kim is staying with us at the moment, and my favourite thing to do with her is turn everything she says into an innuendo. It bugs the hell out of her, but it's not my fault she's so filthy.

Me: I remember that pie I made that had the cod in it, I was pretty proud of that fish pie.
Kim: Oh I remember that. I loved eating your fish pie.
My cue to fall on the floor laughing.
Kim: Oh shut up.

Kim: Mum do you want your meat separated
My cue to fall on the floor laughing
Kim: Stop it. I'm just trying to figure out if mum wants her pork loins in twos.
I have to rush to the toilet to prevent having an accident on my couch.
Kim: I hate you.

Mum walked in to the room and started smacking me in the back of the head.
Me: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Mum: Oh sorry I'm just like Pavlov's dog. Whenever I see you I have to hit you.
Kim: Mum, it's not nice to call her Pavlov's dog.
Me: No, mum is Pavlov's dog. And for future reference it's called a Pavlovian response mum.
Kim: I know all about the pavlova response, I work in childcare.

Me: I'm a diverse person.
Mum: I thought you were about to say you're a diabetic.

Me: Mum do you have regrets?
Mum: I have a few, too few to mention.
Me: No, I'm being serious. Thanks a lot Frank Sinatra, I'm going to punch you in the nads when I next see you.

Me: Miss K have you eaten your dinner yet?
Miss K: I don't like it. I want a different dinner.
Me: Well this isn't a restaurant. You eat what I put in front of you or you go hungry.
Miss K: Well let's pretend this is a restaurant then and you make me something else.
Me: If this is a restaurant it's a soup kitchen, where you get what you're given or go hungry.
Miss K: I don't like this restaurant.

Mum: You're getting more and more anti-social as you get older.
Me: Yep I know. I love it.
Mum: I don't.
Me: When you think about it, I've spent fourteen years speaking on the phone to people I don't know or don't like.
Mum: I'm your mum.
Me: FOURTEEN YEARS MUM!

Miss K came up while I was surfing the web and started randomly mashing at my keyboard.
Me: Don't you even think about it miss.
Miss K: I'm going to think about it.

Earlier this month one of my dad's sons from his first marriage became a grandfather for the first time. This makes my dad a great-grandpa and me a great-aunt. This news disturbed me because I feel at 32 I'm way too young for this crap. However it does make for great conversations with the family.

Me: I found out today that dad is a great-grandpa.
Ben: Whose kid had kids?
Me: One of [older brothers] kids, not sure if it was [nephew 1] or [nephew 2].
Ben: That's crazy.
Me: Tell me about it. That makes you a great-uncle, and yet still so mediocre.
Ben: That's the pot calling the kettle black.

Me: This is freakin' weird.
Mum: What?
Me: I'm a great-aunt.
Mum: (laughs) Meh, you're ok...

Here is another in the wonderful series of Minecraft conversations which sound weird without context.

Eliza: I have a head. Where did that come from? Mum where are you, I have a head.

Miss K has been sick on and off with various viruses these past two months, but one night she woke up with weird swelling in her chin. I rushed her straight to our after hours medical service where we were prescribed antibiotics for an infection which had caused her glands to swell up like a balloon.

Dr: Now one of the side effects of this antibiotic is diarrhoea.
Me: Did you hear that Miss K? This medicine may give you runny poos.
Miss K: Runny poos in my neck?
I don't think the doctor appreciated that I laughed so hard at Miss K's shock.

Sadly for us, that visit to the doctor wasn't the end of the saga, and after going to my own GP for a second opinion we were told to rush to the local hospital as the swelling was an indication Miss K was forming an abscess in her neck. Miss K ended up spending three nights in hospital on IV antibiotics, and I spent three nights sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the ward next to her. but she took all of the poking, prodding and needles like an absolute trooper and on the fourth day we were finally allowed to go home. She's still on antibiotics for the time being, as there is still some swelling in her neck, but we've hopefully avoided surgery as long as her recovery continues as well as it has.

Conversation in a public toilet.
Miss K: Mum I did poos and wees.
Me: (Very aware that there is another person in the stalls with us) Yes I know you did now hurry up and finish.
Miss K: But there were lots of them.
Me: That's great. Are you done yet?
Cue the toilet next to us flushing and a woman comes out laughing.
Woman: It's ok, I have kids too.
Me: The conversations you have once you're a parent.

We had a federal election in Australia this month, and my sister Natalie decided to vote for the first time.
Nat: I have no idea who any of these people are or what they want. I remember watching some political show at dad's once and they kept talking about a cabinet, but they never once showed a picture of it. I couldn't understand what was so amazing about a stupid cabinet that they felt the need to discuss it for so long. What is this cabinet?
Me: It's the group of politicians which make up parliament. And you are one the people deciding who runs our country for the next few years.  I worry about you sometimes.

Natalie was temporarily promoted to room leader at the daycare centre she works at this month, but the promotion did not come without issues, and one of her co-workers quit suddenly, saying that she couldn't work with Natalie because she stressed her out, and now she was constipated.

Nat: I don't understand what her problem is, I looked at the roster and I only spent 3 hours and 20 minutes a day with her.
Me: Well apparently that's long enough for you to constipate someone.
Nat: Yeah. You better not spend more time than that with me otherwise you'll start having problems too.

Luckily for Natalie her bosses were able to see the humor in the situation, but Nat now has the reputation of constipating those who work around her.

Well that's it from our crazy part of the world, be sure to visit all the other bloggers joining in today, and I'll be back to share more fun again soon.

An Open Letter to My Daughter's Kindergarten

To the wonderful teachers who are stuck with my daughter fifteen hours a week,

Today I am writing to you with a plea for change. Normally I'm not one to complain. Normally I'm just happy accepting that life is full of ups and downs and I can usually coast through it all with a smile. But not any more.

For the most part I love what you do. You get my daughter away from her tablet and her television without complaint, you manage to get through five hours a day without her constantly begging for food and drinks like she's a starved orphan who hasn't eaten for weeks, and you get her out of my hair three days a week, for which I love you all truly, madly, deeply. But when I come to pick up my daughter every day, you never return my sweet little princess back to me. For some reason you always lump me with a giant mud monster, and this has to stop.

Exhibit A: The result of ten minutes of scrubbing mud from ONE child's jumper. You don't want to know what the rest of the bathroom looked like when I was finished scrubbing.

I get that kids love getting down and dirty, and I get that letting them play in the mud is great for all sorts of reasons. But I'm not entirely sure that the children aren't staging mud wrestling events while in your care, which is the only explanation I can find for why they go home absolutely caked in mud every. single. day. Now if these mud wrestling matches have some kind of educational purpose, whether it be you're teaching them economics by letting them bet on the matches, or you're teaching them about physics, by showing them how to body slam their opponent into oblivion, then it would be a totally different story; but from what Miss K tells me, she has learned absolutely nothing from these experiences other than mud is awesome.

Apparently she only needed 45 minutes to get this dirty

I really shouldn't be surprised that Miss K has taken a shine to jumping through every puddle of mud she ever lays her eyes on, especially given that she feels that Peppa Pig is her spirit animal, but surely not every child has the same spirit animal, and yet I notice that nearly every child is covered in mud from head to toe by the end of the day. All of us parents stand outside in a group prayer every afternoon before you let us in to sign our progeny out for the day, begging for the mud to go no higher than the children's gumboots, and every day we all laugh with you about how much fun our children had getting absolutely filthy. We give sympathetic glances to the parents with the blackest children, and mentally congratulate ourselves for teaching our children about restraint when playing with dirt. Then we all head to our cars and cry into our steering wheels.

Some of the parents are beginning to get desperate. One parent is starting to buy stocks in hydrophobic solutions, in the hopes that they start making whole outfits out of the stuff one day, and another mother has just signed her daughter up for an internship with the local laundromat, just to teach her exactly what happens to dirty clothes. I myself have resorted to doing the laundry in the dark, reasoning that if I can't see them, then the stains aren't permanent. But without your help I fear anything we parents try will only be a bandaid solution.

We parents feel that since you and your staff are encouraging this kind of messy play, it is only fair that you provide free laundering services through the kindergarten. We have even discussed signing consent forms that let our kids work for you, free of charge in your laundromat, although we're checking with a lawyer right now just to make sure this doesn't constitute slave labour, and will need to get back to you before we put pen to paper.

Whatever the solution may be, something has to be done. I know you think your mud pile is beneficial to our children, however I feel it is more beneficial that I am not curled up in the fetal position next to my washing machine every single day singing the Peppa Pig theme song over and over again.

I look forward to coming to a mutually beneficial solution at your earliest convenience.

Kind Regards

Searching for Sanity


*Do any of you wonderful readers have children who enjoy getting as filthy as my own daughter does? Please share your horror stories of dirt for days and picking mud out of kids hair with me to help me get through the next six hours of scrubbing I have to do.*

What Parenting Means

So the other week while working at a craft stall with a good friend of mine, we had a heavily pregnant woman come and sit down at our table to make a card. Some gentle probing later we discovered she was about a week away from popping. We decided this was a perfect time to terrorise the poor woman by telling her exactly what being a parent meant, right when it's too late for her to back out. Of course it was all in good fun, and we didn't reveal any of the real horrible truths (we like to leave some mystery for new mums). But it has been on my mind a bit since that weekend. The word parent is universal, and while customs and traditions can vary from person to person, there are some things that stay the same no matter whether you live in an igloo in Antarctica (do people really do this?) or a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. So as a handy guide for anyone who is thinking of being a parent, or for those of you who are already parents, and just want a reminder of why you're not going back for a second (or third) I present the following.

Source

1. Putting yourself last. Forever, and ever, and ever.
2. Never getting to blow out the candles on another birthday cake. And forget about unwrapping your own presents. That job now belongs to your children.
3. Being woken up by a tennis racket to the face (seriously)
4. Acting like you know exactly what you're doing, despite the fact that inside your head you're screaming as loud as the baby is right now.
5. Boring all of your friends with all of the super adorable things your little one did in the few hours since you last spoke to them.
6. Using your clothes as a tissue or napkin for someone else.
7. Catching vomit in your hands.
8. Eating baby foods to find out exactly why your darling one is spitting it out. (Hint, it's because it tastes like butt. You'll find this out the hard way.)
9. Having someone new to blame any time you break wind in company. (This one only works until they learn to speak.)
10. Having your heart explode with pride and love every time they do something new. It never gets old.
11. Having a deep seated hatred for toys that need batteries to work.
12. Watching the same movie twice in one day because it's their absolute favourite and they'll scream the house down if you don't let them watch it again.
13. Ice cold feet pressed into your back when they sneak in to sleep with you at 3 in the morning. 
14. Waking up to a little person sitting on your head, because they're hungry and you're being boring by sleeping right now.
15. Discovering that toy makers hate you, I mean really hate you, by making you build every darn thing you ever buy for your child. It seriously took me over an hour to put Miss K's bouncer together when she was a baby. I'm not a stupid person, but that thing needed an engineering degree just to assemble four parts. And don't even get me started on her bike.
16. Spending the day convinced that you have given birth to the spawn of Satan, only to forget every horrible thing they did that day the minute you see them sleeping like an angel.
17. Feeling like the worst person in the world every time you have to discipline them. 
18. Spending the first four years of their life complaining that they are so needy, only to realise that was only temporary, then spending the next few years panicking that one day your kids aren't going to need you any more. 
19. Feeling like your heart is going to break in half every time you see them growing up right before your eyes.
20. Being someone's super hero, simply because you were able to fix a slightly broken toy.
21. Hating yourself the minute they realise you aren't a super hero, and are in fact (gasp) human.
22. Being a policeman, chef, maid, clown, magician, chauffeur, referee, cheerleader, hostage negotiator, and anything else you need to be just to keep your house running.
23. Looking at every other parent you ever see and wondering how they can possibly have it all together like that. (Little hint, they don't, they're just as confused as you are.)
24. Hour upon hour spent worrying about things that once upon a time you never though worth your time. 
25. Lying awake at night convinced that today was the day you screwed up your child. 
26. Finding yourself singing the theme song to your child's latest favourite TV show, while in public.
27. Apologizing to a million strangers because your child walks like a drunk old man, and keeps crashing into everyone they find.
28. Feeling mortified the first time your child swears. Bonus horror if it happens in public. 
29. Months spent carrying your sleeping child to the toilet because if you have to wash one more pee soaked sheet you are going to lose your mind.
30. Discovering exactly how fierce you can truly be the first time someone hurts your precious little one. You're normally a placid person, but right now you could cut a b***h.
31. Feeling a mixture of pride and revulsion the first time you realise babies are capable of farting like full grown men after a meal of baked beans.
32. Endless games of "What is that mysterious smudge on my new shirt?"
33. Dancing like a one legged man in a butt kicking contest all around your living room because it makes your child squeal with laughter.
34. Feeling like you've lost a part of yourself the first time they spend a night away from home.
35. Rediscovering the joy of jumping out at someone as they come around a corner. This one never gets old with kids around.
36. The joy of hearing your kid tell you that you're the best mum/dad in the world. 
37. Bony elbows, knees, backsides, all in your internal organs. You wouldn't believe something that chubby and squishable is really able to inflict immense pain with one well placed limb.
38. Being able to heal all boo-boos with a kiss.
39. Having to wait until your child has been kissed, cuddled and questioned before any adult will speak to you ever again. 

And finally...

  40.  Loving someone, and being loved more fiercely than you ever thought possible.

June Fly on the Wall

Welcome again to another Fly on the Wall. This series is about sharing all the little things that we all do that are never enough on their own for a blog post, but tend to group together nicely in a post like this, just to show you that even the flies in our house are ashamed to know us.  Today 18 bloggers are participating in the challenge, and their links are written below.  Be sure to visit all of them, even if only to make you feel just a little bit better about how insane you are.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com             Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/        Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com           Follow me home

http://www.menopausalmom.com/              Menopausal Mother

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/   Stacy Sews and Schools

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com               Battered Hope

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                 Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                          The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com         Someone Else’s Genius

http://gndisney.wordpress.com                  Disneyland in Kentucky

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com            Juicebox Confession

http://dinoheromommy.com/                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.angelaweight.com                    Sanity Waiting to Happen

http://www.southernbellecharm.com           Southern Belle Charm

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                 The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://www.gomamao.com                         Go Mama O

http://eileensperpetuallybusy.blogspot.com/ Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

My brother law was recently diagnosed as diabetic. I never knew just how inappropriate conversations about blood tests could be until we all decided to play with his new blood sugar tester.

Me: Did you prick me already? I didn't feel a thing.
Sam: That's what she said.

Me: You're going to have to prick me again, I got nothing out of that one.

Me: I'm getting nothing out of this one.
Jason: Squeeze it harder then.
*inappropriate giggling from every adult in the room*

Sam: I want Eliza to have a turn. Where's his little jabby thing?
*inappropriate giggling from me*
Sam: I said his LITTLE jabby thing.
Needless to say that didn't stop the giggling.

Me: Life is more like a soap opera than we realise. The only difference is we don't do the longing stares into the difference when things go wrong.
Mum: That is so true. I'm going to make it my life's mission now to do that stare into the distance whenever something goes wrong. Can I get some dramatic music too?

Kim and I were discussing recipes from our childhood with mum when we started talking about a recipe mum had when she was a kid. This is the conversation that ensued.

Mum: I was about to say I'd ask mum, but never mind*
Me: Did you really? Aww mum.
Kim: Hold on, let me get out the ouija board...0408
Me: Hang on, that's my number, I'm not dead yet, don't summon me!

*My grandma has been dead 25 years, which somehow makes mum's initial comment even sadder.

Nat: I had to get the dinner cart downstairs to the kids at work the other day, but I hate taking the elevator, so I stuck the dinner cart on the elevator, pushed the button then raced the elevator down the stairs. Unfortunately I got halfway down the stairs and forgot what I was doing, so I just went back to my room and left the cart to ride the elevator. It could have ended up in the basement if my room leader hadn't got it for me.

Me: Did you know that strawberry flavouring comes from beaver secretions, from their scent gland.
Nat: Really? I have strawberry flavoured lip gloss.
Me: Oh. Well then, enjoy putting your beaver secretions on your lips.

Me: I feel it is inappropriate to break into 1980's songs when yelling at the children.

The court house in the town I work in has a massive circuit every three months, and all the local people going through the family law courts can have their matters heard in the area. It saves everyone having to travel an hour and a half to the next closest family law courts. The joys of living in a rural area. The latest circuit just happened this last week, and we had thirty matters going through the court in one week. Most of them happened in the first day so I had to help my boss get the case files for about 25 matters to the court house, which is half a block away from our office, so we walked the files down. I was carrying about 20 kilos worth of paperwork the whole trip, then we got to the court house and found that they were doing security scans at the front door, which meant that entry was in single file, and the queue to enter was the length of the building. Needless to say by the time we got the files into the court room my arms and legs were like jelly. The sore muscles I ended up with lasted another three days. The pain ended up so bad Miss K had to pull me up the stairs into my sister's house when I went to pick her up at night. I'm now going to request we get office skate boards before next circuit. The added bonus is I will look mega cool when I ride it down to the cafe every week to pick up our milk.

Miss K has fortnightly speech therapy sessions in a nearby town. This is a conversation she has with our therapist every single week. You would think the woman would learn by now she needs to rephrase this question.

Chloe: What is this girl doing?
Miss K: She's eating a burger.
Chloe: And where is she eating the burger?
Miss K: (pointing to the picture) Right there.

Well that's all from me for this month, be sure to buzz back again next month for another installment of crazy.