November Fly on the Wall

Hello again my lovelies, it is time for the second last Fly on the Wall for the year. For any newcomers to this series what happens is a group of bloggers all join forces to share with you all the crazy and funny things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in our houses this month.


This month 7 bloggers are participating. Be sure to visit them all and check out all of the fun.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                

The Blogging 911                       

Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie please? Me: No it's too close to dinner time. Miss K: Please? I want one. Me: Too bad. Please stop nagging me. Miss K: Mum can I have a choc chip cookie? Me: No. I said stop nagging me please. Miss K: I didn't nag because I didn't say please. We had a big thunderstorm come through the town yesterday. This is how my nephew Jakey responds to thunder. Jakey: What was that?
Sam: That was just thunder. Jakey: No, I think it's a bomb. I woke up one morning to Miss K making my bed while I was still in it. As it was still early I rolled over and went back to sleep until my alarm when off. When I finally decided to get up all hell broke loose. Miss K: Mum, you messed up the bed. I just made that. Me: Welcome to parenting sweetheart, where kids mess your shit up as you're cleaning. Pro tip though, next time don't make the bed while someone is still sleeping in it. I was helping in Miss K's class when one of her classmates dropped this gem on me Connor: I'm going to copy Lachy's work because he's smart. Me: Well I want to see you try to do this for yourself because I know for a fact there's a big brain in that head of yours. Connor: No, I don't have a brain anymore. You wanna know why?
Me: Ok this should be good, why don't you have a brain anymore?
Connor: Because someone said something so crazy it made my brain explode and now it's gone. Me: You're going to make my brain explode in a minute Connor.  So Kim was in hospital this month suffering from organ failure, which you wouldn't think is a laughing matter. Kim didn't seem to get the memo that hospitals are serious however as the following story from Natalie shows. Nat: When Kim was first admitted she was in and out of consciousness, and there was a heap of doctors around her at all times. One doctor in particular kept making suggestions for treatment options and he kept getting shut down. Obviously Kim was getting tired of it because at one stage she woke up looked at him and said "This is a house of learned doctors and you need to learn to listen."  Me: Seriously? Nat: Yeah. She had the doctors in stitches apparently. They told her about it the next morning and she refused to believe them at first. It wasn't until more people kept coming up to her and telling her the same story did she finally believe them. At one of their conferences they discussed a decision they'd made that had worked, and one of the doctors said it worked because they were learned doctors.  The epilogue to that story is that after several weeks of some very serious treatments Kim is finally better, her organs are working again and she was discharged yesterday to continue healing at home. 
Nat: So Dave and I had an argument the other day. Me: What was it this time?
Nat: He asked me to remind him to grab his drink bottles before we left to go home and I told him to set himself a reminder on his phone. Halfway home he remembers the drink bottles and he cracked it at me for not reminding him. I went off at him for not setting the reminder like I told him. I figured he realised at the time that was all I was going to do for him, I'm not his mother, and he's old enough to be doing this for himself now. Me: I feel sorry for your poor children when you finally have them. You're going to be a mean mum. Nat: What do you mean? Me: You're six years old now, you're old enough to figure out how to get yourself up and out the door for school now. Nat: Hey, blame the childcare industry. We're forced to foster independence in kids from a really young age. Well that's all from this corner of the world, don't forget to visit all the other blogs participating today and keep the fun going.

October Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for everyone's favourite post, Fly on the Wall. In this series a bunch of bloggers join up to share all of the crazy funny stuff you would see if you were a fly on the wall in their home.



This month 7 bloggers are participating, so be sure to visit them all.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade  

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                

The Blogging 911                       

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Mum: I don't know, something.
Me: Well that narrows it down. Totally eliminates all of that nothing I was going to buy for you.

Me: Miss K get in the kitchen and make your lunch.
Miss K: You have to come with me, I need you.
Me: Why do you need me to be in the kitchen with you?
Miss K: Because I like you.
Me: Well I can't argue with that logic.

My niece Eliza turned 14 this month, and we had teppanyaki to celebrate. One of the dishes we ate was grilled prawn legs, which is an acquired taste to be sure.
Sam: Ever had a burger take a bite out of you?
Me: No, but I've had a prawn kick me in the teeth now. Oh God, it's still kicking on the way down.

Miss K went for her first interstate holiday during the term break this month, which included a trip to all of the super parks on the Gold Coast. She had so many stories to tell when she got back.
Miss K: I saw a kangaroo and a koala and the bird with the blue feathers on top.
Me: Do you mean an emu?
Miss K: No, not an emu, it was the bird with the blue feathers on top.
Me: It could have been a cassowary I guess
Miss K: No it wasn't a cassowary. It was the bird with the blue feathers. He gets chased by the wolf.
Me: Are you talking about the Road Runner?
Miss K: Yeah, the bird with the blue feathers on top.

Mum: So Nat had a weird dream last night.
Me: Oh yeah?
Mum: Yeah, she dreamed she was brushing her teeth, then she woke herself up by spitting into her own hand.
Me: Well that's just...lovely.

Miss K and mum were looking stuff up on the internet.
Miss K: Granny is that you?
Mum: No, that's a man thank you very much.
Me: You might want to run away now little girl.

On another day I was browsing Facebook when Miss K came and sat next to me.
Miss K: Mum is that you?
Me: No it's not me.
Miss K: Who is it then?
Me: I don't know, there are seven billion people in this planet kiddo, and a lot of them have the internet.
Miss K: So is it Aunty Sam then?
Me: Seven billion people kiddo. That is so much more than the ten people you know OK? We don't know who this person is.
Miss K: Is it Nat?
Me: I swear to God my head is about to explode.

Miss K: Can I watch telly?
Me: No, you're banned from watching telly. You're banned from everything right now.
Miss K: I'm hungry, I want dessert.
Me: No, you can't have dessert, you're banned remember? You're banned from everything.
Miss K: I'm not banned from being hungry though.
Me: Yes you are, you're banned from being hungry too so knock it off right now.

Well that's all from around here this month, don't forget to check out all the other blogs participating and see all of the crazy things that have happened elsewhere this month.

September Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for September Fly on the Wall. In this series 7 bloggers are joining together to share all of the crazy and funny things you'd here if you were a fly on their wall.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                

The Blogging 911                       

Sam was muttering away to herself one day while we were working.
Me: Are you alright over there?
Sam: Yeah, it's called interesting conversations with interesting people.
Me: And the confused people who overhear them.

It was Father's Day in Australia at the beginning of this month, and Natalie decided to buy mum a megaphone as a Father's Day gift. She gave it to her a day early, while I was out visiting Sam. They then decided to pop in for a surprise visit to Sam's house, where mum walked into the house wearing a dinosaur mask and yelling into the megaphone "This is not a drill, I repeat it is not a drill, it is a megaphone." This would all have been hillarious were Sam and I not in the middle of a business phone call at the time. But we did laugh about the absurdity of the event afterwards.

I knew I was getting a good addition to this post when my little sister Natalie texted me asking if I was allowed to say coffee tits on my blog. The photo below explains why she needed to know.

So needless to say Nat has a new nickname now.

Nat: Dave bought me a new pillow, but it smells like that drink the cowboy.

Me: Well I guess that's a good thing as long as you like the smell of cowboys.

Nat: Dave thinks it smells like bamboo, does bamboo smell like alcohol?

Me: I...don't know what bamboo smells like. How is this possible? Mum, I've never smelled bamboo.

Mum: Seriously? You smell everything.

Me: I know. I guess that's something I have to add to the bucket list now. 

Me: Do you have some scissors I can borrow?
Sam: Certainly. Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find.

Me: Marco and ye shall polo?

And finally, Natalie had to have an MRI on her back this month, and she very helpfully wrote down some of the thoughts she had whilst strapped into a giant humming tube. With her permission I am repeating all of her thoughts below. As someone who has had several MRIs I can confirm that some of these thoughts are the same ones everyone has whilst stuck in those horrible machines. 

Thoughts from the MRI machine.... story by Natalie 

I'm really glad I put on pretty underwear... this robe covers nothing! 

I could be in a dubstep music video. 

Is the machine laughing at me? 

It sounds like the machine is saying "hahahahaha" let's see what else I can hear the machine saying ...:

"Party party party"

"Paddle battle"

"Naaaaaaaat"

"Joe"

"Don't cry" 

"Dub dub dub"

"Wub wub wub" 

I think someone is playing the theramin... they should make a cd of mri noises and sell it for Halloween parties. Some of these sounds are really creepy. 

Do I even have hands anymore? I can't feel them? I can't feel anything other than pain. I'm gonna have friction burn on my arms from the bed moving up and down... 

something is burning my arm... aaaaand now it's burning my leg

Of course my face is itchy right now

And that's all from me. Don't forget to check out all the other blogs participating.

July Fly on the Wall

Welcome one again to Fly on the Wall. The monthly series where a bunch of bloggers join together to share the crazy things you'd see and hear were you a fly on the wall in their house.

This month 8 bloggers are participating, be sure to check out all their links below to keep up the fun.

Baking In A Tornado  

Menopausal Mother                    

Go Mama O                              

Spatulas on Parade 

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen    

Matty had some McDonalds chips and he was feeding them to some seagulls when he discovered that Finding Nemo was all a lie.
Matty: They don't sound like they're saying "Mine" at all.

Mum: Miss K went to the toilet last night while I was in bed, and she's chatting to herself happily until she stops, and then goes "Ugh, not again." then went back to chatting.

Nat: I could always tell when my period was coming because my drinks of Coke would start to taste like hot dogs.

Miss K: Mum, what are you doing?
Me: I'm plucking a hair on my chin.
Miss K: Is that cos you're turning into a boy?
Me: Run away now little girl.

Nat: Dave was walking out of the room the other day and I thought he said "I'm going to go to the toilet and blame myself." I started laughing at him and told him what I heard. He went to the toilet and then I heard him saying "It's all my fault somehow"

Me: Alright, I'm going to go cook dinner now.
Miss K: I've already had dinner.
Me: What? No you haven't
Miss K: Yeah, I had a lollipop for dinner.
Me: A lollipop isn't dinner.
Miss K: Yes it is, I'm not hungry now.

I was serving ice cream for dessert one night.
Miss K: I love you.
Me: Are you talking to me or the dessert?
Miss K: The ice cream.

I was tearing the house apart looking for my shoes one day.
Me: Miss K have you seen my shoes?
Miss K starts giggling and runs out of the room. I follow her to her playroom where she is standing next to her toy box. Neatly placed inside her toy box were my shoes.
Miss K: I hid them from you.

Mum: So there's a cleaning product at work called Speed. Tonight Merv came in asking for a mop and bucket to clean an area and as he was walking out I yelled out after him "I've got some speed on the top shelf if you want it." It wasn't until I finished saying it that I realised how bad it sounded.

Well that's all from around here, don't forget to check out all the other blogs.

May Fly on the Wall

It is time once again for Fly on the Wall. The series that allows you a sneak peek of all the crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on the wall at our house. 

Today 9 bloggers are participating in the fun. Be sure to visit them all to keep the fun going.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy 

Spatulas on Parade                    

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                   

Not That Sarah Michelle

 I have a friend Helen whose daughter went to kindergarten with Miss K last year, and they've come to the same school as us this year. One day I had Helen on the phone with me for an hour worried senseless about her daughter's refusal to complete her school work and her attitude in general, and all I could do was reassure her that what her daughter was going through was pretty normal for a 6-year-old, and she shouldn't be so hard on herself. Not even an hour after I got off the phone with her the school called me to let me know Miss K had decided that day was the perfect day to go on strike and she was refusing to do any of her work. I got the issue sorted out, but figured this was just what Helen needed to hear to make her feel better. So, come pick up time I marched through the school gates to Miss K's classroom, interrupted Helen's conversation with some of the other mums and proudly yelled out

"You want proof all 6 year olds are assholes? my daughter went on strike today."     

Needless to say, my yelling got the attention of all the other mums, so Helen had to explain why I was yelling about asshole kids, and then we all spent the next 10 minutes sharing war stories of all the attitude we get off our darling children. On the plus side, Helen felt much better by the time the kids were finished school for the day. 

Miss K and I were snuggling together in my polar fleece blanket.

Miss K: This blanket is made of polar bear fleas. 

Nat: Did you know Dave has never seen Robin Hood Men in Tights?
Me: Seriously? Was he raised in a cupboard under the stairs or something?
Nat: I think so.

This is what happens when you leave my sister Nat unsupervised for 3 days. Her answer to my question was 'bout 5'4"

Miss K has discovered that she can whistle much to my dismay.

Me: Miss K put your whistle in your pocket.

Miss K simulates pulling a whistle out of her mouth and then mashes her hand in my face.

Me: Did you just take my whistle out too?

Miss K: No, I put it in you.

Me: That's what he said.

Miss K: What?
Me: Never mind. Are you ready to go yet?

Sam was complaining to me about someone talking crap about her to her husband Jason.

Sam: Don't waste your time being nice to my face only to talk crap about me behind my face.

Eliza starts laughing uncontrollably 

Sam: What?
Eliza: No, nothing, I just think it would be a bit hard to squeeze in behind your face to start talking about you.

Sam: Oh, yeah, it's behind my back, isn't it?

Me: Yeah.

Miss K: You have to marry dad.

Me: Nah, I don't wanna do that, he smells.

Miss K: If you don't marry daddy, he'll never be my uncle.

Me: Um that's not how that works sweetheart.

Nat: How do you make orange? It's yellow and red, right?

Me: Do I need to make you watch Blue’s Clues again to learn your colours?

Nat: Did I tell you about the time I tried to make purple paint at work?

Me: No.

Nat: So, purple is made of blue and red right? Well for some reason I mixed green and red together.

Me: So, you made a lovely shade of poo brown then?

Nat: Yep. I just stared at it and was like wait a minute, you're not purple.

One day I was at Sam's place typing up a blog post while she had a nap on the couch. At one stage, she sits bolt upright in her chair

Sam: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?

I jump in fright and look over at her and she's staring into the kitchen. I look in the kitchen and see nothing.

Me: What the hell is what?

By the time the words have left my mouth she's lying back down again asleep and I had to spend the next ten minutes trying to get my heart to stop beating out of my chest. I still have no idea what she saw because she doesn't remember it at all.

Me: I remember when you went through that phase where you wanted to name all your pets foreign words for animals. Like you have a fish and you name it fish.

Nat: Yeah, the problem with that was the only other word I knew for fish was from an Asian language and it was literally just five or six fs. So, I would have just gone around saying "This is my fish, ffffff."

Text from Ady. Just call me Amy Farafella. Also, my go to attack seems to be to accuse everyone of being high the minute they stop making any sense to me.

Mum: So, the youngest cleaner at school is dating one of the students, and she comes and helps him at work. Well she's been taking a lot of days off lately to take care of her mum, and she's been warned she needs to start attending more. Tonight, she's helping her boyfriend and she spots her co-ordinator talking to someone else and she ducks out of sight. Five minutes later her boyfriend comes walking down the path with a random bin he's not meant to have, and no girlfriend to be seen. He was sneaking her past the teacher in the bin. 

The following conversation is related to the computer game Minecraft

Nat: The other night my pigs decided to form a pig centipede.

Me: Ew, that's creepy.

Nat: Yeah it is, to say the least. Actually, to say the least would be to say "eh".

Me: And to think we used to have to pretend to laugh at your jokes when you were a kid.

Nat: Hey! Maybe it was a good thing that worked.

Me: Well that was the plan.

Nat: Dave thinks I'm funny.

Me: Dave grew up living under the stairs, of course he thinks you're funny.

Sam: There's one important thing we forgot to consider when buying our son a bunk bed.

Me: Oh yeah? What's that?
Sam: How long it takes to get off a bunk bed when you need to vomit.

Me: Oh dear. 

I'll spare you the gory details, but needless to say, my nephew didn't make it to the toilet in time.

Sam A: I used to be convinced that my life was like a reality show and I was the star.

Me: I used to think that too, but it made me really self-conscious when I needed to pick my nose. 

Miss K: Mum is my heart beating?
I put my head on her chest and check
Me: It sure is kiddo.

Miss K: So, I'm not dead then?
Me: No, I'm pretty sure you're still alive.

Miss K: Phew.

I help out in Miss K's class on Fridays. This is a conversation I had with one of the boys in the reading group I take each week.

Connor: Your name is Grumpy Old Man Zucchini.

Me: Oh yeah? Well your name is Disgruntled Pumpkin. 

Connor: You're completely bonkers.

Me: Yep.

Well that's all the crazy I can squeeze into one post for now, be sure to visit all the other bloggers as they've all got their own special brand of fun going on today too.

April Fly on the Wall - Medical Woes up the Wazoo

It's time once again for Fly on the Wall. Today 7 bloggers have all joined forces to share with you just some of the crazy thing you would see or hear if you were a fly on their wall.


Below is a list of all the bloggers participating this month, be sure to visit them all and enjoy the hilarity. 

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Spatulas on Parade  

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen                  

Miss K got a nasty splinter in her big toe the other week, It was pretty deep, and to get the splinter out and the area cleaned up was no easy task, which of course Miss K objected to vigorously. Once I'd gotten the worst of the job done, and I'd had enough of having to make her scream I pulled her into my lap for a cuddle when she dropped a guilt bomb on me.

Miss K: There's a hole in my foot.

Me: It's not a hole, it's just a cut. I had to cut your foot to get to all the dirt honey. I don't want you getting an infection. 

Miss K: There's a hole in my foot that YOU put there.

The very next day she went to the park with her dad and they'd not been out the door ten minutes when he calls me.

Ady: So Miss K's got a new injury.

Me: What happened?
Ady: She kissed a pole and now she has a huge bruise on her lip.

Me: How hard did she kiss it?

Ady: I dunno. she came up to me crying and when I told her to show me what happened she just walked over to a pole and kissed it.

When they got home Miss K very indignantly told me she hadn't been kissing poles, she'd been sliding down them and accidentally smacked her face. She was more insulted that her father would go around spreading such a false story about her than anything else.

That weekend I was telling my little brother Ben about having to operate on Miss K's toe during the week
Me: I get my surgery skills from dad. I still remember that time he got a nasty cut on his finger and gave himself stitches.
Ben: That's nothing. One time while I was living with him, he cut the tip of his finger off, and I had to hold it in place for him so he could put a band-aid on it.

Nat and I were discussing a request she'd been given to pick our sister Kim up from hospital, which she refused because of back pain.

Me: Well of course you can't go pick her up, you're in too much pain right now. You should be taking care of yourself right now, everyone else can bugger off.

Nat: Well if it wasn't for Dave reminding me that I'm meant to be taking it easy right now and taking care of myself I probably would have jumped up and helped her without thinking.

Me: Well good on Dave for doing that. Give him a high five from me.

Nat: In the face?

Me: With a chair!

While visiting my sister Sam and her kids one day

Eliza: Does anyone know what Anatidaephobia means?

Me: It's the fear that you're being watched by a duck.

Sam and Matty both laugh, thinking I'm being stupid.

Eliza: It's the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Sam: How the hell did you even know that?

Me: It's all my dank memes.

Mum: One word of advice for you Erin.

Me: Ok.

Mum: Don't have kids.

Me: Thanks mum. It's six years too late, but thank you anyway.

So my sister in law Sam had her gall bladder removed on a Monday, and three days later she and my brother Josh came over to our house for a cuppa.

Me: Why aren't you at home resting?
Sam: I don't know, I'm crazy like that.

Me: Most people would take surgery as an excuse to lie in bed for a week and do nothing but sleep.

Josh: Well I keep trying but she won't let me.

Later that day Sam was complaining about how Josh stonewalls her when he's angry

Josh: I need time to calm down so I can think about what I want to say.

Me: Learn to meditate Josh, it makes it happen faster.

Josh: I already do that every day. Oh, wait you said meditate not masturbate.

Me: Hmm, ladyfinger roll cakes

Mum starts giggling to herself

Me; Oh grow up.

Two young Mormon missionaries come to my house every week for a chat. One time they ended the visit by asking if I need any help.

Elder: Is there anything we can do to help you this week?
Me: No, I'm pretty good right now.

Elder: Are you sure? we can mow the lawns if you like.

Me: Nah, it's cool, I hire a local man to do it every few weeks, it helps the economy and I don't have to do it myself. But if you really want to help, there's a massive wolf spider on my daughter's trampoline that I can't kill.

Elder: Oh dear no, I'm terrified of spiders, I'll do anything except that. 

Me: Then I'm all good for now, thanks.

Later that night

Mum: Why did you ask him to kill the spider for you?
Me: I knew he wouldn't do it. He's told me before he's terrified of spiders.

Me: That's just mean.

Me: Well the last time a missionary offered help I asked him to babysit Miss K for me so I could have a nap but that was just as terrifying a request apparently. 

Before you get angry at me for picking on the missionaries, please know that he gives as good as he takes. This particular missionary is a young lad from Tonga, and because he knows I know absolutely nothing about Tonga he's always teasing me. That same visit, I was discussing my trip to Vanuatu when I was 20.

Me: It was amazing, I drank coconut water straight from the coconut.

Elder: Oh my back yard is full of coconut trees.

Me: Really? That's awesome.

Elder: No, not really. But I do drink coconut water straight from the coconut. It tastes better.

Me: Ohh ok. Well I saw banana trees for the first time too. I had no idea bananas grew in giant balls.

Elder; Oh my house is made from banana palms.

Me: Really that's cool.

Elder: No, it's not really. But my back yard is full of banana trees. 

Me: I don't know what to believe any more. 

Me: What is Maundy Thursday?

Mum: I don't know, why do you think I would know.

Me: You call yourself a Catholic.

Mum: Look it up.

Me: It's also known as Holy Thursday

Mum: That's what we called it.

Me: No explanation on what Easter Monday is about.

Mum: That's when the chocolate's on sale. 

Miss K spent Easter at her Nonna's house in Melbourne this year, so I had to wish her a happy Easter over Skype on Easter Sunday
Me: Happy Easter baby girl.
Miss K: Buona Pasqua mama (happy Easter in Italian)
Me: Buona Pasqua!
Nonna: See, I told you mummy would know what you meant.
Miss K: You said buona Pasqua mummy!
Nonna: When I first taught her how to say it, she kept saying buona pasta.
Me: Were you wishing everyone a happy pasta Miss K?
Miss K: Yeah.

My little sister Natalie had to get an ingrown toenail cut out yesterday, and she's never had the highest pain threshold in the world, even with three doses of anaesthetic in her foot she could feel the toenail being cut out
Nat: I hate when they ask you obvious questions. At one stage I said ouch, and the doctor stopped and said "are you alright? is that hurting you?" I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from giving a sarcastic answer, as he had a scalpel to my foot at the time, so I didn't want to piss him off.
Me: I don't blame you.
Nat: Dave hates it, because I'll always give him a sarcastic answer to his obvious questions, but then he's never holding a scalpel to my foot at the time.
Me: Note to self, buy Dave a scalpel for his birthday. That way if he wants to ask you an obvious questions he can just threaten you with it at the same time.

Well that's all from this mad house for another month, don't forget to buzz on over to all the other blogs and enjoy the rest of the madness.

March Fly on the wall

It's that time of the month again (no, not that time, get your head out of the gutter) It's time for Fly on the Wall. Everyone's favourite series.


For any of you not familiar with this, every month a group of bloggers join up and share all of the crazy, weird, and funny things you would hear were you a fly on their wall. Today there are 9 bloggers participating, so be sure to visit them all just to get a full dose of crazy.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy            

Go Mama O                        

Spatulas on Parade                    

Never Ever Give Up Hope                   

Bookworm in the Kitchen

When I Grow Up 

Mum: I think I have that thing in my foot, that plantar...
Me: Fasciitis?
Mum: Yeah. That's what stops me from being able to stand up. I get this pain in the ball of my foot.
Me: I thought you were going to say a pain in your balls then.
Mum: Well I am a lady you know, I don't like talking about those things.

A few weeks later...

Mum: What's that fasciitis thing I've got in my foot?
Me: Necrotising?
Mum: God I hope not.

I walked into the lounge one day to hear mum mumbling to herself.
Mum: I'm just talking to myself, discussing my issues.
Me: I know. To someone who cares.

Sam: Uranus is smaller than Earth isn't it?
Me: Well I certainly hope it is. (Dissolve into giggles like a child.) One of these days I'm going to grow up.
Sam: I'm not holding my breath. They've got a picture of Uranus here with rings around it.
Me: Yes I'm well aware of the rings around Uranus. (Further childish giggling). This is why I love owning my own business. If I worked for someone else I'd get in trouble for laughing about the rings around Uranus. I'm sure that would count as sexual harassment.

Me: Miss K, get that tea towel off your head and dry the dishes NOW!!!
Miss K: This is not my favourite idea.

I was complaining to mum one day after Miss K had been particularly whiny and defiant all day.
Mum: Now you know why they called my mum a martyr.
Me: I don't know how grandma did this with 7 kids.
Mum: Hey! I did it with 6 kids, and one of them was you.
Me: Yes, but I must have been a punishment for something mum, what did you do?
Mum: Where do I begin?

So someone tried to scam my little brother online, but luckily for him he was smart enough to check the scammer out and didn't end up losing anything. I was telling my little sister the story when this conversation happened.

Nat: It's getting harder and harder to scam people these days.
Me: Yep, everyone is too suspicious, except for old people, they're still confused by all this new fangled technology.
Nat: Yeah. That's why I think the parental lock needs to be something entirely different.
Me: You mean like please confirm you are under 16 years to continue?
Nat: Yeah. They could use questions about Justin Bieber to screen out the old people that would fall for any scams.

Nat: So I had my implanon removed today, but it was put in really deep, so they had to cut further in than they normally do. But once they'd removed it, they just stuck the cut together with sticky tape.
Me: Bit of duct tape, she'll be right.
Nat: They covered the sticky tape with gauze and I've already bled through it.
Me: Why didn't they give you stitches?
Nat: I don't know. Maybe it was too small a cut for stitches.
Me: Well normally if it's too small for stitches they just stick some super glue in that sucker and send you home, but I guess in this case if it moves and it shouldn't, just fix it with duct tape.

It's been nearly 2 months since Miss K started school, and her favourite thing now is reading. Lucky for us as she has daily reading homework, so if she hated it we'd have a nightly fight on our hands.  Miss K and I were reading her school book one night when she came across the word animal.
Miss K: an...im...al. Aminal.
Me: Close enough.

One afternoon I had an appointment scheduled with Miss K's teacher to check her progress. Miss K had wandered off with some friends and couldn't find me when she returned to the classroom despite my yelling and waving my arms over my head at her for five full minutes.
Me: You finally found me. We're going to have to get your eyes tested kiddo, that took way longer than it should have.
Miss K then went to her teacher
Miss K: I'm testing my eyes. I couldn't find mum with them.
Needless to say the teacher was more than a little confused by this statement.

Nat and her partner Dave went on holidays to Queensland a few weeks ago. Shortly after they landed I got a text from her
Nat: Do you want to hear an embarrassing story about me?
Me: Always.
Nat: While we were leaving the plane I starte doing that excited dance with my fingers that Ben always does. Dave goes "what are you doing?" and I replied "when I'm excited my fingers just need to dance."
Me: You're an idiot. Thanks for the story though.
Nat: Dave looked like he wanted to run away from me. It just slipped out of my mouth like word vomit.
Me: If only he knew just how weird it gets.

Miss K's Nonna is coming down this weekend to visit. I got a call from Ady a few days ago to check some details as she's staying at our house while she's here.
Ady: Do you want mum to cook anything for you?
Me: Nothing springs to mind.
Ady: She said she'll cook her chicken soup lasagne if you want it.
Me: Oh my God yes please. Tell her I will love her forever if she makes me her soup lasagne
Ady: Why don't you love me forever? I've cooked for you?
Me: Oh please the only thing you ever cooked for me was fried dim sims and you set fire to my kitchen. Besides it's been years since your mum made me her soup lasagne. I'd marry her for that lasagne if I could.

And the biggest thing that happened this month was my baby girl turned 6! Her birthday was yesterday but because it was a weekday and she had school, we're having her party today so while you are reading this post, I will most probably be running around my kitchen like a headless chicken trying to get everything ready. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some panicking to do.

February Fly on the Wall

Welcome back to everyone's favourite series Fly on the Wall.



In this month's instalment, nine bloggers have joined together to share some of the funny and crazy things you'd see if you were a fly on their wall. Below is a list of all the bloggers joining in today, be sure to visit them all and enjoy all the stories.

Baking In A Tornado

Menopausal Mother                     

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy             

Spatulas on Parade                    

A Little Piece of Peace                 

Never Ever Give Up Hope                    

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                  

Cluttered Genius

Me: Why is there a wet towel on the floor next to my bed?
Miss K: I didn't crack an egg on the floor.
Me: Did you crack an egg on my bedroom floor?
Miss K: No.
Me: Why did you crack an egg on my floor?
Miss K: I was being a chicken

Miss K: I'm hungry.
Me: Good. There will be plenty of room in your stomach for the meat and vegetables we're having for dinner.
Miss K: I don't want that.
Me: Too bad. This isn't a democracy. Welcome to my dictatorship. You may call me fuhrer.
Miss K: I want a jam sandwich.

Mum has requested we buy her an ancestry DNA test for her 60th birthday next year, and this is the conversation we had where she explained why she wants one.
Mum; We could be vikings!
Nat: You're desperate to be a viking.
Me: I heard we could be bikies, and I was like you don't need a DNA test to become a bikie.

Nat: Have you ever said or heard someone say I'm not here to screw spiders?
Me: No, I can't say I have.
Nat; Apparently it's an Australian saying, but I've never heard it before. It's kind of the Australian version of no shit Sherlock or something.
Me: Well I always figured it was implied that I wasn't intending to screw spiders, and that I didn't need to actually express my intentions when it came to spiders.
Nat: I've seriously never heard any of my friends or anyone else say it before.
Me: Well that could be because your friends are interested in screwing spiders, did you ever think of that?

Nat: Did I ever tell you about the time Ben broke the escalator at Doncaster?
Me: Yes.
Mum: No.
Nat: We went out to a movie and went to Doncaster shopping centre for dinner afterwards. Ben was being smart and raced ahead of us to reach the escalator first, and when he got there he jumped onto the escalator and it stopped dead. The rest of us were on the floor in tears, we couldn't move.
Mum: He's just adventurous.

And now another episode of trying to have a conversation with Sam while she sleeps.

Sam fell asleep while trying to read a birthday invitation her son received. I decided to mess with her and walk up to her and randomly say "and mushrooms" She woke up shortly after.
Sam: What does this invite say?
Me: I don't know, I can't read it from here. Were you dreaming that you were reading it?
Sam: Yeah, It had something about baby chicks, and mushrooms.
Me: Yeah that last bit was me, I just wanted to mess with you.
Sam; You're a bitch.

Sam: Dad was making me drink platypus milk.
Me: What?
Sam: Dad was trying to make me drink platypus milk.
Me: He's such a dick. How did it taste?
Sam: I don't know. I woke up before I got to drink it.

Mum babysits my nephew Jacob every Wednesday so that Josh and Sam can work. I came home early one day while he was still there and he and mum came out to the gate to meet me.
Mum: Who is that?
Jacob: Grandma!
Mum: No, I'm grandma, that's Erin.
Jacob: Erin.
Mum: Can you say hi Erin?
Jacob: Hi grandma!
We then went inside where he donned a pretty sparkly tiara, then grabbed a toy saw to try to cut open our refrigerator with. And this is why mum loves babysitting Jacob.

Mum's computer kept breaking this month, and I was  complaining to Nat about it.
Me: It's probably another virus. I keep telling her not to do those bloody online quizzes but she keeps going back to them. The next time it breaks I'm just going to buy her an Etch-a-Sketch instead.
Nat: That should work.
Me: Although knowing my luck she'd get a virus on that too, then I'd need to buy Norton's anti-virus for Etch-a-Sketch.

My big sister Mandy turned 40 last weekend. Dad went up for the trip, and with the gift he gave a card from him, my sisters Nat and Kim, and Nat's partner Dave. Except because he'd forgotten about Dave's name until Kim reminded him Dave's name was at the very end next to Kim's.
Kim; It's funny because it looks like Dave's here with me.
Dad: No, I was just doing the names in gynaecological order.
Nat: Do you mean chronological order?

Nat: Did I tell you how the orthopedic shoes mum gave me went?
Me: No.
Nat: So I decided to try them out on a walk with Dave. But they were too tight on my toes, so my toes went numb, and then I started getting blisters on my heels, which then burst, so I was in so much pain I started walking like a penguin that had shit itself. In the end I took them off and walked home barefoot.
Me: Oh well just send the shoes to the op-shop.
Nat: Yeah I'm going to. I wanted to leave them on a bench but Dave wouldn't let me
Me: He doesn't think homeless people would appreciate orthopedic shoes?
Nat: Apparently not. Maybe he just doesn't want them to walk around looking like a penguin
Me: That shit itself.
Nat: Exactly.

And the biggest thing you would have seen had you been a fly on the wall at my place this month was my baby girl attending her very first day of school.

This day came way too fast for my liking, but Miss K is loving school so much, and has absolutely no problem leaving me to entertain myself for hours at a time. She's even gotten to the point where she wants to walk to the classroom by herself. I don't know whether to be proud or insulted.