A lesson in Aussie English

So here in Australia right now we are celebrating Australia Day. This is a day that is steeped in controversial history, and the current topic of a hot fight around the country as some argue to change its name, others fight to change the date of this celebration, and some say we can do away with it altogether. But I'm not here to talk about any of that today. While Australia's history is rich with colourful (and sometimes shameful) stories I would gladly talk about another day, today I am here to give you guys a lesson in linguistics. Aussie linguistics to be exact.

After my Fly on the Wall post on Friday where I wrote about Miss K wanting a glass of cordial, a lot of my American friends were notably confused about what cordial is. This comes up occasionally, and this time I forgot to include a translation for those of you who don't call Australia home. So today I have decided to give you a list of some of the words you may hear come out of the words of a typical Aussie person, and exactly what they mean. Please note the words G'day mate will not appear on this list, mainly because it's been covered to death elsewhere.

Hopefully this post will help you guys understand exactly what the hell I'm talking about when I write stuff down here. It should also help you stand out less as a tourist if you decide to visit our fine country, because if you don't see what you think is a popular word or phrase here (like crikey, or put another shrimp on the barbie) it means we don't use it, so you shouldn't too unless you want to look like an idiot.

Arvo - Afternoon. This is just a classic example of Aussies taking words that have too many syllables and contracting them.
Bench - Counter top or kitchen counter. These things take too long to say so of course we're going to go with the shorter word people. If someone asks you to put something on the bench, please put it on the closest counter-like surface you can find. If you put it somewhere we plan on sitting later you will get weird looks. The only time we call a chair a bench is if it is in a park, and then we call it a park bench.
Bikkie - biscuit/cookie. We call all biscuits and cookies bikkies, there is no stuffing around with checking if they are chewy or crunchy before we name it around here.
Bloke - Man. We usually use the word bloke in complimentary situations, like "he's a good bloke".
Blowies - blowfly. If someone walks in complaining about "those bloody blowies" this usually just means it is summer and the flies are out in force. Just smile sympathetically and offer them some fly spray.
Boot - Trunk of a car.
Brekkie - Breakfast.
Bottle-o - A bottle shop, or a drive through alcohol store. Another example of our unwillingness to use full words.
Bundy and coke - A classic alcoholic beverage (which I can't stand) of rum and coke. Bundaberg is just the local brand of dark rum. It is brewed in Bundaberg, Queensland.
Chuck a sickie - To take a sick day off work.
Chuck a uey - To make a u-turn
Ciggies - Cigarettes
Cordial - A sweet syrup concentrate you add to water to make it taste less like crap and more like sugar. The best brand is Cottees, no matter what anyone tells you. I know this one is really foreign to Americans, and the closest you guys have is Kool Aid, which is totally different.
Dickhead - A derogatory but not incredibly offensive way of calling someone an idiot. Dickhead is a pretty tame curse down here, but no one is safe from being called one, including the Prime Minister.
Footy - Australian rules football. This is different to English football or American football. What you guys call football we call soccer, because we found a better use for the word football.

Heaps - A lot. I didn't realise this was an Australian thing until I started doing research for this article, but apparently no one else says heaps when they mean an excess of something. A classic example of this will be if someone says "thanks heaps", this just means thanks a lot.

Howyagoin - How are you going? This is just one of those times where our habit of running our words together has created a new word out of three existing words. If you try to say howyagoin like the locals do, we will laugh at you, but just because no one can replicate our accent as lazily as we do, so don't feel bad.
Goon sack - Cask of wine. These are a cheap way to get drunk for young Australians everywhere.
Maccas - McDonalds (Side note, that is actually what the stores are called in Australia now, so if you see the golden arches next to a sign that says Maccas, don't think we've just ripped off the logo and made our own restaurant, it is still a McDonalds, we're just too lazy to say the full name.)
Milk bar - Convenience store/corner store. These aren't as common as they were in my youth, and are slowly being replaced by independent grocers, but you can still see them in rural areas. They are more expensive places to shop than supermarkets, so we only ever go there when we are desperate.
Mozzies - Mosquitoes. These are the bane of every Australian in summer, the same as blow flies.
Nah, yeah - This means you are wrong, and I am right. Nah, yeah is a very gentle way to say your argument is moot and I refuse to change my mind right now. There are stronger ways, but considering this is still a family friendly blog I probably won't mention them here.
No worries - This can mean no problem or it's all good, or yes I will follow through with your request, since you asked so nicely.
Petrol - The fuel we put in our car. Some cars run on LPG gas or diesel, but the most common fuel for now is unleaded petrol or ethanol petrol.
Petrol station - The place where we buy fuel for our car. All three kinds of fuel are sold at petrol stations, but we just call them petrol stations.
Rego - Car registration.
See you later - This just means goodbye. Apparently this one confuses Americans because they think we mean we'll be back, but we just don't like the permanence of goodbye, so we say see you later to keep the possibilities open.
Servo - Another word for gas station. Again we're lazy, so if someone says they're going to duck to the servo, they are just going to put fuel in their car (or buy an over priced pack of cigarettes)
Smoko - Cigarette break.
Stubby holder - A foam insulator for a bottle of beer. We don't just use stubby holders for beer though, I know I'm at a nice house if they offer me a stubby holder for my can of coke. It's called a stubby holder though, because once upon a time (and probably still for some people) bottles of beer were called stubbies. This is different from cans of beer which were called tinnies, but you could put a tinny in a stubby holder. A tinny these days is an aluminium boat.
Sunnies - Sunglasses.
Thongs - Flip flops. If we start talking about thongs, look at the feet and not the butt. If we mean the underwear we call that a g-string (or a g-banger if the person is weird).
Trakky daks/trakkies - Sweatsuit pants. These are one of the main staples of my wardrobe, but that's because I rarely leave the house except to go to the supermarket, so who do I need to dress up for?
Yeah, nah - I know this just sounds like I'm messing with you right now, but yeah, nah is different to nah, yeah. This means I see what you mean, but I disagree with you, or it could also mean I agree with what you are saying, but the situation as a whole is ridiculous. I know those two meanings are totally opposite to each other, so it is important that you listen to the rest of the sentence to understand which one they mean.

So this is by no means not a complete list, there are plenty more words out there, some which are unique to certain states, and others that are only said by people younger or older than I am. If anyone wants to add to the list, please leave them in the comments below. And to all my Aussie friends, enjoy your barbies, or your trip to the beach, or sitting at home listening to the Triple J Hottest 100, but most of all, enjoy the day off (unless you work for a hospital, the police, the supermarkets, or anyone else sacrilegious enough to make people work on Australia Day.

Guest Post - 5 Things That Did Not Surprise Me About Single Parenting

Hello again my lovely readers, I have another guest writer visiting today, a fellow single mum Regina, who wanted to share her experiences of becoming a single mum. Please make her feel welcomed.

As a newly single parent, taking care of two very young children, every day comes with something new that I have to face because I am in this situation. From the challenges of finding the right childcare to the challenge of maintaining consistent discipline with the father not living at home, I am anxious to find out what other surprising things this new chapter in my life will bring.

Fears and negativity aside, there are some issues which came with single parenting that I knew long before I signed those divorce papers and so today I thought I would share the five things I knew would be prominent issues, so that you will have one less surprise to deal with in this new phase of your life.

1. Forget work-life balance

As a mother, I have always felt guilty – of not spending enough time with my babies, of not being efficient enough or organized enough despite having a partner to help me with the children. So when it came to me being a single parent, I knew that I would face more issues that would make me feel guilty, like depriving my children of growing up in a‘normal setting’ and depriving them of their father on a daily basis. "Single parents tend to be helicopter parents because we feel guilty," says Stacie Martin, a Dallas-based, single parent advocate, "we tend to take care of everything, to make up for our family structure, rather than finding balance."

2. I will miss some things my children do

Even as a married mother with a full time job I have missed some of my children’s milestones and I knew going into divorce that I would miss some things my children do when they are with their father. Sadness is often my go to sentiment on these things but rather than seeing it as missing out on some things, we can choose to turn the situation around and see it as the memory our children are sharing with their father. We will have our moments, which we must savor.

3. Being everything to them

Regardless of whether your partner is very present in raising your kids or you are doing most of the work, you will go into the single parent world knowing that you must be everything to them when you are with them. Like any other mother, I know my kids need that sense of security and when I am with them I feel the need to ensure my kids feel safe by them knowing I can protect them as much as their father can − I can be their nurse, their confidant, their entertainer, the person they can cuddle with and anything else they wish and need.

4. Lack of support

No matter how many friends and family I was surrounded with, I knew that I would not have an ally to help me deal with certain issues − like not having someone to turn to when my child had a pea stuck in his nose. I went from mornings spent walking barefoot in my cozy maternity clothes, during my maternity leave, to having to deal with chaotic mornings with throw up and tantrums, work duties and no one to blame.

5. Dealing with new girlfriends/wives

Having my kids away from me so they can spend time with their father is hard enough, especially since I am a control freak who needs to oversee everything. This in mind, I can only imagine the challenges of dealing with a new girlfriend or possibly a new wife my ex-husband will marry − one who will be a part of my children’s life.

Then again, this is something that hasn’t happened yet, so I will have to deal with it if and when it happens, just as I will deal in the best possible way, keeping in mind my children’s needs and happiness, with the surprises that are still to come!

Author Bio: A parenting writer, Regina empowers women through her writing and modern parenting tips. If she’s not writing, you can catch her surfing the web for what’s new at Fertile Mind. 

How to survive the post-holiday slump

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Hello to all my wonderful readers, you may have noticed I fell off the radar again this month. Once I finally got over all of my various illnesses, (except for the conjunctivitis Miss K so kindly shared with me two weeks ago) I discovered the silly season was well and truly upon us, and I needed to get my ample bottom into gear to get ready for the celebrations. I'm sure you'll all appreciate how crazy things get around this time of year, so even if I did attempt to write anything, it would have come out as a crazed stream of consciousness, complete with rambles about tinsel and presents for a family of 15. But now with the endless stream of parties and gift giving ceremonies almost behind us for another year, I sit here eating what's left of the plum pudding in an empty room, wondering to myself now what?

We hosted Christmas at my house this year, and in a stroke of what I can only call pure insanity, mum decided the party needed to be beach themed this year. So I spent a crazed week crawling through Pinterest trying to find beach themed decor I could do on a budget of free hugs and my most charming smile, and managed to cobble together a beach themed party that even a mermaid couldn't fault. Then our annual Boxing Day party got moved from my big sister's house to our house at the last minute due to inclement weather, and the fact that we have a larger living space to accommodate all of the slightly larger bodies thanks to the feast we put out the day before, so we ended up having two parties in two days at our house. On top of that I spent three hours building a kitchen for Miss K at 9pm Christmas Eve, went shopping every single day for a week for more Christmas essentials, and also cleaned the house so that we weren't shamed by the fact that for 364 days of the year we live like someone from an episode of Hoarders, Buried Alive. So sitting here now, with nothing to do is kind of hard to do. Add to that the fact that Miss K has now gone to Melbourne for a week to have Christmas with her father and his family, and I am as lost as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. So I have decided to share with you some of the techniques I have learned over the years to get over the post-holiday blues that always hit at this time of year, to help you guys achieve the balanced calm I so clearly show on a daily basis.

Me on a good day

Go shopping

Now that gift giving season is over, you really have no reason to go shopping, but that is exactly why you should get out now, more than ever. Beside getting to take advantage of the opportunity to return any practical gifts that well meaning long distance relatives bought you at the last minute so they didn't show up at your house empty handed, you can witness human beings at their absolute worst, thus making you appreciate your empty house and it's lack of festive feelings all the more. The long line of customers all coming to complain about the over priced child's toy that broke five minutes after being removed from it's packaging only makes you love your own family all the more, because they aren't that obnoxious man at the front of the line loudly proclaiming that this is the last time he shops at this particular store. 

Clean up your house

You've just spent the last month complaining that if you stepped on another bauble the whole tree was going into the bin, so now is the time to make good on your promise. Pull down the tinsel, drag every strand of angel hair out of your carpet, and throw all of it in the bin (or into storage if you can't stand the thought of having to replace it all again in ten months time). The sight of you going into a cleaning craze will send your children running outside just in case you get the bright idea to give them any jobs to do of their own, so now is the perfect time to "lose" any of the irritating noise makers or cheap plastic toys they were given by the same well meaning relatives who thought a life time supply of micro fibre cloths was the perfect gift for you at the same time. This is also a good time to search for any stashes of chocolates the kids have hiding in their rooms, and add them to your own stash of chocolate hidden in your bedroom. You need the sugar more than they do, as you're the one who spends your life chasing after them trying to get them to act like civilized human beings. 

Put on some tunes and dance alone in your living room

Just because the party season is over, doesn't mean you need to pack away your best moves for another year. The lack of audience apart from your children is irrelevant, as you can always embarrass them, no matter the time of year, so get your boogie on and keep the party going as long as you want it to. If you didn't get to do the Nutbush this year because you got vetoed at the last second by someone wanting to do the Whip Nae Nae (whatever the hell that is) then put that song on repeat and Nutbush until you can't move any more. You deserve it after all the hard work you've put into these holidays.

Eat all the party food in the house

If you were too busy to eat during Christmas because you were hosting the party, now is the time to get yourself a big plate of whatever is left over and eat it in front of every one. Diets are for the first day of January anyway. I personally like to buy two plum puddings, simply because I am a horrible pig who doesn't like to share my food, so I always have enough pudding to last me several weeks once all the parties are done with. I don't need to buy any breakfast or lunch foods for ages now because I spent an extra $4 a week ago. That's not only smart, it's economical. 

Start getting ready for the next big celebration now

If you've been bitten by the party bug but Valentines Day is too far away from you, get on Google now and find another holiday closer to today you can prepare for. For Australians, Australia Day is always a good one, as it falls on 26th January, meaning there is plenty of time still left to start preparing our barbeques and best Australian Flag decorated party supplies for the big day. For something even closer again, check out Earth Calendar which tells you exactly what you can celebrate every single day of the year. For example today is St Stephens day in Bulgaria. So if that is enough reason for you to party, get out your best duds and celebrate St Stephen as only you can. 

Sleep

If all else fails, get into your pyjamas and go back to bed. 

Well that should be enough to get you through the next few days, so if you'll excuse me, it is currently the Stanley Sports Day in the Falkland Islands so I'm off to hit a tennis ball against a wall to honor this special day. 

Five things (Old School Blogging)

Ok so for any of you wonderful readers out there who follow Baking In a Tornado you will know that she tagged me in a post earlier this month called Five Things. And for any of you who don't follow Baking in a Tornado, what on earth is wrong with you people?? Get your backsides over there now and meet a classy lady and brilliant writer who is responsible for the Secret Subject Swap that I partake in every month, as well as the Fly on the Wall series, which I will be joining as of next month. (Stay tuned, it's going to be legen...(wait for it)...dary)

Any way the five things tag is another chain blog post which apparently was a popular thing when blogging was in its infancy, but seems to have been lost over time. This one doesn't come with any fancy trophies or dinner for two at the Olive Garden, but it comes with seven lists of five things about me. (Well technically the seventh list is five bloggers who I pass the tag on to, but now you're just splitting hairs.)

Because I have just run out of witty banter, I'll plow straight into the lists.

5 Things I Have a Passion For

1. Paper crafts
2. Music
3. Food (seriously, have you seen the size of my butt? that should have been a no brainer.)
4. Word puzzles. I can't get to sleep until I've done at least one at the moment. Just as well I have a massive collection of puzzle books to keep me company
5. Writing. Of course I never did manage to write the best selling novel I dreamed of as a kid, but that's why this blog is one of my happy places.

5 Things I'd Like to Do Before I Die

1. See Miss K grow up happy (Isn't that all any parent ever wants? I don't care if she grows up to  be a secretary like mum, or a cleaner like grandma, or a rocket scientist like....OK I don't know any rocket scientists, but I'm sure they're all very happy)
2. Visit the birthplace of my ancestors
3. Own a house
4. Become a grandma (my mum makes it look like so much fun, I can't wait to try it for myself. Actually I can wait. Until Miss K is 25 at least OK young lady??)
5. Retire near the beach

5 Things I Say a Lot

1. For the love of monkeys! (I don't really love monkeys, although some of them are pretty cute, it's just better to say that than to keep swearing like a fish wife when the children are around.)
2. I can live with that. (Any time my little sister tries to insult me by calling me horrible names that's my come back. She can never beat it. Ever.)
3. I'm going to count to three. (This one has saved Miss K's bacon so many times over the last year, she knows that if I've gotten to the counting stage, things have just gotten real and she needs to pull her head in.)
4. I love you. (This one is usually aimed at Miss K, but sometimes I'll feel comfortable enough admitting it to other people.)
5. You weirdo. (This one is also usually aimed at Miss K, but it's always when she's doing something totally bizarre like pressing her stomach up to the fridge because it's cold, or spinning around on the ground in circles.)

5 Books I've Read Lately

1. The Hunger Games trilogy. I love this series so much I've finished the last book and gone straight back to the first book several times. I never get tired of the story.
2. Girls Night In. This is a massive omnibus of short stories written by some brilliant women from around the world. All the profits from the sale of the books go to the charity War Child which was just one of the warm fuzzies reading this book gives me. Again another book I can read over and over again.
3. Puzzle books. I know technically you don't read puzzle books like a story, but I still have to look at words with my eyes so I'm counting this as reading.
4. There's a Reason for Everything. This is a very old trivia book that was written in the 1970's so some of the trivia has since been disproven, but it is still full of so much interesting information about topics like the origins of superstitions and rituals.
5. You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News. This is a book written by the people from the hillarious and brilliant website cracked.com, and basically includes some of the articles you can find on their website, but in book form so it makes you look more intellectual when you read it. I bought this book when Miss K was a baby, and it has helped get me to sleep on many a night.

5 Favourite Movies

Thank you for finally giving me a list that asks for more than one favourite movie. How can I only love one movie the most? There are too many awesome movies out there to just pick one. So I'm happy to finally be given a place to list in no particular order just some of my favourite movies.

1. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
2. Cry Baby
3. Despicable Me (Hey don't judge ok I've got a kid now so it's totally ok for me to have a wallet full of kids movies.)
4. Shock Treatment
5. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 the movie. Americans may recognise this one, but I don't think it was even released in Australia. I had to buy our copy from an American seller on eBay. Thank heavens for multi region DVD players.

5 Places I'd Love to Travel to

1. Ireland. In particular Tipperary because that's where my mum's family originated, but the country as a whole would be fabulous to see
2. Italy. This is where Miss K's other family come from, and I'd love to take her to her Nonna's home town so she can see where her family started.
3. Fiji. The people seem to be so friendly, and the beaches are stunning. It's always been a dream destination for me.
4. The rest of Australia. I've been to two of the territories in Australia and three of the states. I'd love to visit the rest of the country that hosts me as a citizen and see more of the beauty that is out there.
5. Tokyo. I think there are just so many fantastic things there that you just need to see for yourself to believe, and I'd love to be amazed. Oh and I've always wanted to go to a cherry blossom festival in Japan too.

5 Blogs I'll Tag

Now this one was tricky because I didn't want to tag anyone who had already had a turn, but I also have so many blogs on my favourites list, I didn't want to leave any of them out.

1. When Crazy Meets Exhaustion
2. Life, Unexpectedly
3. Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
4.We Band of Mothers
5. Ms. Adventures

Now if you were tagged and you don't want to play along, that's totally cool. And if you weren't tagged and you want to play along, that's totally cool also. For anyone at home who is playing, tagged or not, answer all the questions yourself and then send me a link to your post and I'll even advertise the hell out of it for you.

Well that's all from me for now, I'm off to charge my camera batteries and use up some more of my immensely impressive and slightly over the top collection of pretty papers. What's that? you don't believe I have too much crafty stuff??

Yeah, I may have a problem...

Stay tuned people, soon I'll have a post showing what to do when you have too much crafty crap.

How to deal with a spewy toddler

Hello again you fine ladies and gentlemen, you'll have to excuse my latest absence from the blogging world, but I have been up to my armpits in partially digested stomach contents since Monday, so I decided you lovely people had to be put on the back burner for a few days until Miss K got over her gastro. Now every single time I have ever encountered gastroenteritis in the past 29 years, it has always been a 24 hour lurgy. One whole day of misery and discomfort, followed by a few days spent recovering from the horror that is seeing everything you eat come back at you in technicolor. But Miss K likes to shake things up and keep me on my toes, so we've had 3 days of vomiting, followed by one day of me jumping every time she so much as twitched strangely. I also learned thanks to Miss K's Nonna, as well as Nurse on Call and one of our local doctors, that gastro doesn't always last a mere 24 hours. I've been helpfully told that it can go for as long as ten days. That's a lot of vomit.

Well this whole week has been one giant learning curve for me, as this is the first time I've ever had to care for a child with gastro, so I have decided because I am just such a kind and giving person that I needed to share my new found knowledge with you guys. If there is anyone out there who is yet to have a child (one of my good friends Kelly is due to pop very soon, if she hasn't already so this may be hugely helpful for her) then this may help you guys to avoid making the same mistakes I did this week. So grab a pencil and a notepad, and make sure you haven't eaten anything too heavy before reading this, because it gets pretty yucky.

1. Don't wear your finest clothes for a while

This is a big one. You will get vomited on. Several times if you're lucky. So you're going to need to make sure you leave your dry clean only clothes in the closet until the infection is well and truly out of your house. Stick to dark colours, something that is easy to rip off while you are dealing with a screaming child that is also covered in vomit would also be helpful. Oh and a nice thick jumper probably wouldn't hurt as it can help prevent seepage into undergarments. Just saying.

2. Don't worry about trying to get them to the toilet in time

This one took me two whole days to learn. My first instinct when someone is doing a faithful recreation of that scene from the exorcist is to try to get them to the toilet or at least a basin as fast as possible. The problem with this is small children lack the ability to hold it in until you get them to an appropriate receptacle, meaning that you'll probably end up with a clean toilet, but a nice long trail of vomit (or poop) for you to clean up. After I spent two days mopping every non carpeted floor in the house, and disinfecting every carpet in the house I started just carrying a bucket around with us. It saved a lot of time and cleaning.

3. Learn a few shortcuts to make this time easier

If you've got a kid with long hair, put it in plaits for a few days. Put a towel over their pillow to make cleaning up a bit easier. Put them in clothes that are easy to remove without spreading their entire digestive system over the rest of their body in the process. Place buckets strategically around the high traffic areas to save having to scramble for one at the last minute. It is the little things like this that will make dealing with stomach catastrophes easier to cope with.

4. Take any help that is offered to you

Now I don't know about you, but I feel guilty making other people clean up my daughter's spew. But the time it took to completely deal with a mess when I was alone compared to the time it took when I had helpers was a lot longer, and more stressful. On the plus side I was less embarrassed about mopping our floors and doing laundry in my underpants, until I remembered that it was pitch black outside, and I hadn't shut our laundry blinds, so if my neighbors were the spying kind, they would have seen everything. I'm going to assume that given that I haven't been presented with any bills for psychiatric counseling this week that no one was looking, but I'm still checking the mail every day just to make sure.

5. Don't feel ashamed if the little things get forgotten for a few days

So when you're dealing with sick children, you tend to get a lot of extra work piled on to your already giant to do list. There's the extra laundry, extra cleaning, extra hugs and kisses needed, extra fluids to hand out and lots of time spent worrying. If you can't be bothered cooking a three course meal for every healthy family member during this time, then don't. If you decide to stock your freezer with microwave meals and tell them to figure it out for themselves, more power to you. Now I can say with great happiness that I do not have a huge mess waiting for me once Miss K is completely healthy again, but that is only because I had mum here keeping the place clean, as well as my beautiful big sister who made her kids help tidy up the lounge room every day this week while they were visiting us. My laundry and Miss K's are only completely up to date because Miss K decided to test the stain resistance of every item we wore this week, so I had to keep on top of the washing so we didn't descend into total nudity before the end of the first day. Everything else was at the back of my mind.

6. Try not to spend too much time worrying

This is a hard one. Like I said at the very beginning, gastro can last up to ten days. That could mean ten days of freaking out because your darling little one is ill. It's a horrible bug, and it will knock the stuffing out of them, but they will survive it and so will you. I have almost cried every single day this week just from exhaustion and concern. I hate seeing my baby so sick, and I hate the feeling of being thrown up on. I hate having to refuse to give Miss K milk because you can't give a sick kid dairy (and Miss K loves her dairy products.) and I hate not being able to take her pain away the most. But today she almost had her old sparkle back in her eyes. She was playing almost like normal again, to the point where she was frog hopping around the doctor's surgery while we were waiting for him. It's been four long days since I've seen the old Miss K, but she is slowly (so very, very slowly) coming back to me, and we are almost at the end of this awful infection. And despite the sleepless nights and long days, we have both survived. But I'm sure I'll still be a twitchy nervous mess for another few days. I seriously hate vomit.

Well that's all from the quarantine for now, I'm off to get some well deserved sleep, and I think Miss K and I are going to tempt fate tomorrow morning by giving her a glass of milk. Her first one in four days, but I promised her today if she made it through an entire day without throwing up, we could start eating dairy again, and frankly, I think she's earned it.

 

Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

 Is it sad that this is our reward?

Stay awesome everyone and I'll be back again soon hopefully.

Tips for surviving Pinterest

So everyone here has heard of Pinterest yes? If you haven’t please tell me which rock you have been living under for the past year, and is there enough room for me in there too? For the rest of us non rock-dwellers, we all know that Pinterest is, like most fandoms, something you just don’t get if you don’t participate. While us pinteresters talk about boards and pinning and crafts and Mod Podge, the non pinteresting people just stare into space with an incredibly bored look on their face.

But even if you are Pinterest’s biggest fan, you will know that not everything goes to plan when using the ideas you get from there. And sometimes nothing goes to plan at all. And then there are the times that you end up burning your house down while trying to make grilled cheese sandwiches.

Luckily for us the rise of websites like Pinterest has also given birth to websites aimed directly at laughing at the failures of people who try the things they pin. For a good belly laugh as well as a good directory of what not to do when trying any of the pins you can find, check out craftfail or the wonderful blog Pinstrosity. There is also the hilarious Pintester, who I have mentioned in a previous post here.

So for any of you who are seasoned Pinterest fans, or for anyone out there looking to dip their toe into the waters, I have come up with a fool-proof plan for surviving any visit on any board anywhere on the website. Please take this as a reference next time you wade through the pins.

1. Avoid anything that looks deceptively easy

So if anyone tells you that you can bake a perfect soufflé in less than five steps, take a giant step back and press the bull#$%^ button. There is no such thing as a soufflé in less than five steps, or even less than ten steps. In fact the first five steps should be dedicated to egg whites alone and would probably go along the lines of keep beating, keep beating, almost done, keep beating, I know your hand is sore but just keep beating. Remember the age old saying if it looks to easy to be true, that is probably because it is.

2. Avoid anything with glitter

Glitter is the herpes of the craft world. Once you have it, you can’t get rid of it. As I type this, I am sitting in a pool of sparkly tiny metal flakes, thanks to my baby sister’s decision to have a glitter and sequin themed 21^st birthday party almost two weeks ago. Two weeks ago and many goes with the vacuum cleaner and I still can’t get the @#$%@ stuff out of my carpets. We have a running gag in our house where we try to describe what Edward Cullen has been doing in our house to explain away all the glitter you can find layering every flat surface and a few non-flat ones.

Image source

Nuff said

3. Avoid anything that calls a Mason Jar an everyday household item

The same goes for Cream of Tartar, or resin, or glycerine. For some people these may be every day household items, but for the most of us, the inclusion of the words Mod Podge in a tutorial means a special trip to your local craft store and then hours of frustration and hair pulling while you try to learn how to use this new ingredient you hadn't heard of before today. If you find something you want to try with foreign sounding ingredients, buy them first and play with them a few times before you start tackling the big projects.

4. Avoid anything that Martha Stewart says is easy

There is a rumour going around the internet (started by me) that Martha Stewart is a sorcerer who sold her soul in order to be the best crafter in the world. While she may be able to make any meal look good, (see here for proof) her estimation on how easy a project is going to be is in fact a perfect indication that this is going to take several years off your life. If you can get through a Martha Stewart project without needing to be institutionalised, or at best resorting to voodoo to try and rid the world of the evil spirit that has possessed her, then you are a stronger person than I am.

Image Source

5.  Always make sure the pin links to a proper tutorial

This one is a big one, and a huge source of frustration to me and I’m sure millions of other people who try to copy something they see on Pinterest. You see the beauty of Pinterest is not only is it an inspiration board, it is also an effective bookmarking tool, which looks a whole lot better than a bunch of tabs at the top of your browser. The only problem with this is sometimes people don’t actually pin things directly from the source. Sometimes they pin things from Google Image, sometimes the pin is just a link to another website where they talk about the fact that they've seen this, but don’t actually tell you how to do it, and sometimes it takes you to a spam site where they try to harvest your kidneys through your modem. (True story*) If you are just going to use the picture as your inspiration and you don’t need any instructions, then pin away whatever the heck you like. Otherwise you will be sorely disappointed when you finally try to make that button bowl and realise the website it is sending you to is just the artist’s blog where he sells the bowls pre-made.

6. If all else fails; Google it

The amount of times I have saved myself the heartache of another failed project by typing the end result into Google only to come across lots of posts by angry and frustrated people who have failed miserably at the same thing could propel me around the world twice. (I stopped paying attention part way through that sentence, what did I just say?) While Pinterest is a wonderful website full of awesome ideas, Google is an even better website full of angry people and trolls (but only around the bridges) who are more than happy to tell you not to bother trying to make cupcakes in ice cream cones, or any form of cake pops, or string balloons.  You can ignore their words of warning at your own peril, but don’t be surprised if they all show up at your house screaming “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” when everything fails miserably.

Well that should be enough to get you started for now, I'd also suggest letting friends and family know when you are going to log into Pinterest, so that they can check on you every 24 hours or so to make sure you're still ok. If any of you have any further advice you'd like to pass on to the readers, please add it into the comments box below.

*Of course that isn't a true story, if you believe that then you’ll believe anything, and this tutorial really isn't enough to help you. May I suggest some sort of 12 step program?

Accentuate the positive or a list of love

Hello again my awesome readers, I have decided today to take a break from the complaining, the constant nit-picking and the general bad mood that this blog can pick up on rare occasions to bring you guys a little bit of schmaltz.

No this isn't it...

So today is actually the 2 year anniversary of the day both my mother and daughter tried to die on me. So first I have to wish my mum a happy birthday, as this is her second anniversary as a zombie.

Source

Braaaaiiiiins!!!!

What's that you say? None of this is schmaltzy in the least?? Alright, I'll get to the point. While the 7th of April is a hard day for my whole family to get through, it serves as a huge reminder of exactly what we had to go through 2 years ago just to keep my little girl alive. And it also reminds me to stop sweating the petty stuff and remember exactly how much I love my daughter, even when she is making me pull my hair out in frustration. So today I am giving you guys a list of just some of the reasons why I love my little girl.

1. She loves to make people laugh. It gets her out of trouble most of the time if she can do something silly right when mum or I start lecturing her or telling her off. It is very hard to yell at Miss K when she is making you laugh.
2. She loves to dance. She cannot hear music without busting out some of her own special moves, including the sprinkler, thanks to my baby sister who thought it was a good idea to teach her how to disco dance.
3. She takes pleasure in the smallest of things, like a light bulb. Or an empty nappy box. I'm serious about that last one too, our current empty nappy box is on day three of play and doesn't look to be losing its appeal any time soon.
4. She makes everyone feel special, from her whole family to the strange lady whose hand she randomly shook in the middle of the chemist once, everyone who meets her immediately falls in love with her, just because she makes you feel so important for the short amount of time which you can hold her attention for.
5. She looks so peaceful when she's asleep. It is so easy to forget that several hours ago I was ready to throw myself out the closest window because she wouldn't eat her boiled carrots, because when she's tucked up in bed, she looks so innocent.
6. She is the most ticklish person I have ever met. There is barely a spot on her body that won't cause her to collapse into giggles if poked just right. This makes for a lot of fun when we play together.
7. She hates to see me cry. This doesn't happen often, but over Easter when we were in Melbourne, I was so tired and frustrated and it was 5am in the morning so I couldn't help but break down in front of her. She was so worried she came right up to me and grabbed my hand and used it to wipe away my tears. (No use getting her own hands wet right?)
8. She loves to be one of the big people. On the rare occasions that she wakes up in the middle of the night, nothing makes her happier than to be allowed to sit between mum and I on the couch for a conversation.
9. She tells the best stories. Of course I usually can't understand more than a few words of her garbled speech, but she becomes so animated when she's telling you something, you can't help but get swept up in the conversation, even if it makes no sense.
10. She loves to play pretend. Quite often if she feels that I have been spending too much time on the computer, she will crawl over to me barking like a dog, and I have to stop and give her a pat. She also loves it when we run around the lounge room pretending to be different jungle animals.
11. She is very musical. Her current list of instruments includes a guitar, a ukulele  two recorders, two sets of maracas, an accordion, a triangle, two tambourines, a drum kit and a keyboard. I'm thinking of hiring her out for parties as a one man band.
12. She loves making me happy. Sometimes it is as simple as putting her chair away after a meal without being told, but you can tell she feels so proud when she has done something that makes me happy.
13. There are times, usually if she gets hurt, or sick, that she doesn't want to know anyone else but me. To know that you are the most important person in someone's life always makes you feel special.
14. Her smile has the ability to cheer up even the worst of moods, making her a magnet for every family member who is having a bad day. And she always manages to cure their blues.
15. Without Miss K, I wouldn't have the title mum. Or the wrinkles that come with this job. Or the millions of memories that we have created together. Or the free hugs that come with being a parent. Or the pride. 

So there you have it. A small list of why I love my baby. I really could go on like this forever, but then I'd give you all diabetes, so I'll stop there for now. I'm off to get some sleep, right after I go look at Miss K in her cot one more time for the night. 

I'll be back again soon, but until then stay awesome, and I know a lot of you readers are parents too, so feel free to join in below and tell me some of the reasons why you love your kids. Lets see if you can add some more sweetness.

One of those moments when only mum would do.

Playing High/Low

When it comes to being a blogger, days like today are hard. It wasn't a very good day for Miss K and me. There was nothing really horrible, or tragic that happened to us, we were both just a bit touchy, and Miss K was clingy and whiny, and come dinner time she pitched an absolute fit and refused flat out to eat her pumpkin soup and ended up going to bed without any dinner. (Don't worry, I let her get up for a sandwich and a drink later on.)

But everyone has bad days, you say, not just us bloggers. Yes this is true, but non-bloggers don't have to come up with something interesting and compelling for others to read after a day of tantrums and frustration. But because I'm an adult and wearing my big girl panties today, I have decided not to dwell on the crap, and instead focus on the positive things that happened today. My big sister plays high/low with her kids at the end of the day, each person has to say what was the highlight and the lowlight of their day. Since I have already covered the lows of my day, I've decided to spend the rest of this blog focusing on the highlights. So here in no particular order are some of the nice things that happened with me and Miss K today.

• A computer game I ordered on the weekend finally showed up in my mailbox today giving me the high I always get whenever I get mail, and then giving me something to do while Miss K took her nap
• My big sister came over and visited with my nephew so I got to watch the kids play together for a couple of hours
• One of my cousins also came over for a visit, and her daughter who is 7 months younger than Miss K also got a chance to play with the kids
• Bones was on telly tonight, so I got to spend 2 hours watching one of my favourite shows
• When Miss K finally got up for dinner she was in such a great mood we sat together in the lounge room and played together for an hour before I sent her back to bed
• Miss K spent 2 hours doing pirate therapy today for the first time, and she didn't mind the extra hour wearing the eye patch. I love that she can be so flexible to change some times
• Miss K behaved herself so beautifully while we were shopping for dinner tonight. It has taken a few weeks, but she finally knows that if she refuses to get in the trolley she has to stay next to me all the time, and not run around disturbing all the other shoppers. We get quite a few people stop to chat to Miss K when we're shopping and I think it's because she's so well behaved
• Miss K actually got up and danced to one of the songs on Play School this afternoon. Of course it was a song about pirates, but normally she doesn't move if there is music playing on telly and I love that she is finally realizing that she can dance to this music just like the stuff that comes out of the CD player

Well when you look at it that way, the good parts of the day far outweigh the bad parts, and it is a lot more fun remembering the nice times we had today. 

And now, for no reason other than it makes me smile, here is a photo of Miss K on the phone.

Well that's it for me, I have places to see and people to do tomorrow so I need to get some rest. I'll be back again next time, but until then stay awesome.

Things I never thought parenting would teach me

I'm back again. I know I didn't write anything for you guys yesterday, but I had the opportunity to go visit an old friend last night for a quiet evening watching Misery, and I had to take it. I figure since I'm a mum now and I can't get into sex drugs and rock and roll anymore, I might as well get Kathy Bates and James Caan going at each other with sledge hammers and door stops.

So after a quick look at the calendar this morning, I realised it is only 15 days until Miss K's 2nd birthday. I can't believe I've almost been doing this for 2 years now. Before I became a parent, my longest stint in a job was 18 months, and then it was a case or quit or get fired. Luckily my current boss can't fire me, or I would have been gone a long time ago.

Now as any parent will tell you, the years fly by before you get a chance to sit down and think about it. But I would like to take a moment to share with you just some of the things that I have learnt over the past 2 years that I never realised would be a part of my education as a mum. As logic dictates, I will start with number 1.

1. If you believe Playschool, archaeologists wear ice cream buckets as safety helmets 
2. If you fall asleep to a children's show, it will invade your dreams in the most messed up and un-G-rated ways possible.
3. Nothing is more entertaining than putting a CD on and letting your kid go nuts
4. No matter how many toys they have piled up in the corner, they will always go for the one thing in the room you don't want them to touch
5. You may think your floor is spotless, your child knows otherwise and will find absolutely every tiny piece of rubbish you have missed
6. No matter how prepared you are for leaving the house with your child, your child will always manage to do something you weren't ready for.
7. Nothing makes you turn into your own mother faster than having a child
8. The simplest things in life can really be the most pleasurable
9. Having a child gives you license to be a child yourself. Even if only for a little while
10. Childrens shows can be very entertaining. Especially if you have a filthy mind capable of twisting the most innocent sentence into something disgusting.
11. There is no problem that can't be fixed with a cuddle. Or a Wiggles brand band-aid 
12. No matter what the "experts" say, chocolate is an acceptable bribe, which will work every time
13. Your house suddenly becomes a terrifying death trap once you put a child in it. Even if you baby-proofed it before she was born
14. Being a parent means that you are amazing in someone's eyes. Make the most of it before they realise how big an idiot you really are
15. The minute you bring that little person home, all the rules fly out the window and you become the blind leading the blind
16. There is no such thing as ready to be a parent
17. Housework is never as important as playing with your child (at least that's my excuse)
18. Pick your battles. Does it really matter that she's eating her macaroni and cheese with her fingers?
19. But always set the rules early in the game. Something that looks cute the first few times can become destructive or dangerous (or very irritating) quickly.                 

And lastly

  20.  There is no better feeling than being the only person a child wants

Well these are just some of the things I've learnt since Miss K was born, and I know that my education is far from over, but I can't wait to see what else this little dirt monster has to teach me.

Well that's it for me, I'm off to do some grunt work in the back yard. I'll be back next time with more fun. Stay awesome peeps.

30 ways in 30 days update

So I know I haven't spoken about my aim to get more organised in 30 days lately, between people getting sick and losing all motivation to clean it really hasn't been the foremost thing on my mind lately. And in true lazy person style I now have a week to become the most organised person in the world, so it's time to cram 30 days of organising into 7.

Luckily for me I had made great headway in getting better organised before I fell off my wagon. My kitchen has been completely overhauled and re-organised, my pantry and food cupboards all organised and stacked neatly so all I really need to do in there is keep checking them every couple of days to make sure they are staying neat and tidy. (They usually aren't but checking them at least once a week means that the clutter doesn't get a chance to get out of hand.) The lounge room was pristine for the longest time, but again I stopped caring so it's slowly going back to its old ways, and what's worse, all of Miss K's toys have made their way back in here as she drives us insane when there isn't anything to play with in here, but there isn't any system in place for putting them away. So that's another thing to tackle by adding a light toy box that can be removed at the end of the day to give us back our adult space.

My biggest job that I want to tackle now isn't actually something anyone will see when they walk into the house. I want to create a household binder, where I will put all my to do lists, cleaning rosters, recipes, important dates, and anything else I need to make the house run smoothly. Luckily for me I have access to the internet, where I can get free printable templates for a lot of what I want. I also have a wonderful big sister who has already created a household binder for her house, and is in the process of re-designing all of her files, as she lost them when her external hard drive broke several months ago. So I have called dibs on copies of all of her files too. But given that making these files is a slow process I have decided to have a look online while I'm waiting for my sister's documents. So that is what was doing when I stumbled upon this particular cleaning check-list tonight.

Apologies if this picture is a bit too small to see, it is actually designed to print at A4, so squashing it into my tiny little blog tends to make it hard to read, but you should be able to get the general gist of what this document wants you to do. What you see here is a DAILY check-list. Obviously this is a cleaning check-list for people who have absolutely nothing else to do with their time other than clean the house. This is the kind of document that makes the housework impaired people of this world (like me) want to burn their houses down after the first day just to avoid having to repeat this process more than once. I just love that it assumes that we have enough time during a load of washing to dust light fixtures, organise a whole pantry or fridge, and polish all of our shiny stuff (as a former collector of shiny stuff, that really was a job that would take a day all on its own). I'm lucky to get half of my dishes done in the time it takes for my washing machine to complete a load. (I still haven't figured out if that means I have a super fast washing machine, or I'm really slow at doing the dishes.)

Of course if you do actually manage to follow this cleaning schedule to the bitter end (including organising all of your junk drawers, organising your backyard items, folding and putting away all of your laundry and cleaning the grill) and you make it to the last step of preparing a celebratory drink, you will most likely need a double shot of whiskey, followed by a double shot of vodka, just to erase the depressing thought in your head that you have nothing better to do with your day other than clean your house from top to bottom.

If of course you are like me, you will bypass all of the cleaning beforehand and just go straight to the celebratory drink at the end. Right after you screw up the piece of paper you printed this check-list on and throw it into the recycling bin. (We're alcoholics, not slobs remember)

100 things I want my daughter to know

So while browsing through Pinterest this evening I stumbled upon a lovely and heartfelt blog called lisajobaker.com, and in particular, a list she wrote called 100 things I want to teach my daughter. Her list is beautiful, and includes some things that I think are important for every girl to know, but as I sat there and read it, I realised there were a lot of things not on the list that I would like Miss K to know before I let her out in the big bad world all on her own. So tonight it is my turn to create a list of 100 things I want my daughter to know.

1. Love your body no matter what. It is the only one you will get and you must carry it with you for the rest of your life
2. Take care of your teeth, for the love of God, please take care of your teeth
3. Laugh lots. Laugh as much as you can, it is a better medicine than Valium
4. Never let anyone make you think you are worthless
5. Telling the truth is ALWAYS easier than lying, no matter what the consequences may be
6. Chocolate fixes everything
7. Don't let yourself become a man's late night booty call, you are worth much more than that
8. Lessons on life and love don't come from the movies, they come from the people around you
9. I am always just a phone call away
10. Try new things, even if they terrify you
11. Always make sure your house is clean enough that if guests arrive unannounced, you're not ashamed to let them in the door
12. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you
13. Never regret your decisions, if you hadn't made them you wouldn't be the person you are now
14. Everything happens for a reason
15. Eating sensibly is only boring if you don't want to live to old age
16. You are never too old to go down the slide, but you get to a certain age where you can't go on the swings without feeling sick
17. Always remember your manners. Nothing impresses a person more than someone who says please and thankyou
18. If you can almost see your nipples and your crotch at the same time, your dress is too small
19. Don't be afraid to tell me anything. I've usually seen it, done it or wrote the book on it
20. Sex can ALWAYS wait. Trust me, the first time is always terrible so why rush it?
21. NEVER change yourself just to please someone else, if they can't like you for who you are then they aren't worth your time
22. If a guy doesn't call you, he's either not interested or playing hard to get. Either way don't waste your time waiting for him
23. Make sure you marry a guy who can make you laugh. If he doesn't understand your sense of humour he will never truly know you
24. You will never understand true pain until you have gone through childbirth. Then you will lose all sympathy for the Man Flu
25. Don't fall in love with a guy because he is wounded and needs healing. You are not Florence Nightingale, you have better things to do with your life than to prop up a man
26. Don't be afraid to go shopping or to the movies by yourself. Sometimes that's the best company to go with
27. If your boyfriends don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, I'm going to hate them. Be warned
28. Life is not a race. There is always time to stop and appreciate the little things
29. Make time for your family no matter what. They've seen you at your worst and still love you to bits
30. Everything I have ever done to you and for you, I did with your best interests at heart, even if it didn't seem like it at the time
31. One day you are going to have children of your own. And I am going to sit back and laugh my ass off
32. Make up and pretty clothes are not just for special occasions
33. You can never appreciate everything your parents do for you until you have children of your own
34. Marry someone who you can scream and yell at yet still be unable to imagine your life without them
35. Laugh at yourself before anyone else has a chance to
36. You cannot stop people talking about you behind your back. But you can take their power away if you refuse to let their words hurt you
37. Punctuality is an important skill to learn
38. You can cover yourself in tattoos and I will still love you, but just remember these things are permanent so make sure it is something you will still love in sixty years time
39. Learn every short cut you can to make life easier
40. The roads are full of arseholes. That does not give you permission to drive like one
41. Spontaneous road trips are sometimes the most fun ones
42. Don't be afraid to cry. It doesn't mean you are weak, it means that you have been strong for too long
43. If you don't like something about your life, then it is up to you to change it
44. The sexiest thing you can ever wear is a smile
45. Even when you are a grown woman, I will always be here to hold you when you cry
46. Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in
47. Don't be in a hurry to grow up. You're an adult for a very long time so what's the rush?
48. NEVER give in to peer pressure. If a person will only like you if you drink, smoke or do anything else that you don't feel comfortable about, then they aren't real friends
49. Always trust your instincts, you have them for a reason
50. I don't just tell you that you're beautiful because I'm your mum, I tell you that you are beautiful because you are, both inside and out
51. Girls can do everything that boys can do, but that doesn't mean they should. So always sit down when you use the toilet
52. You only fail if you never try
53. Learn to cook something more than two minute noodles
54. You may bug the hell out of me sometimes, and we will most likely have a lot of fights, but if anyone else tries to hurt you, I will rip them apart with my bare hands
55. You will possibly be diagnosed with depression at some stage in your life. This is nothing to be ashamed of. And because you come from a long line of nutters, you will always have someone around who you can talk to about this
56. Pets are a lot of work. Don't get one unless you're prepared to put in the effort to keep them alive. Trust me it is harder than it looks
57. Don't listen to the people who spend their live telling people about all the things in this world that can kill you. We are all mortals and we will all die eventually. Why this is still a shock to some people I will never know
58. Never dumb yourself down to make other people feel smart. Be proud of your own intelligence
59. Treat others the way you would like to be treated
60. Always respect your elders. They have had to do a lot of learning to get to where they are today
61. Don't let anyone else's mood affect your own
62. Work to live, don't live to work. There is more to life than your job
63. Always get at least seven hours of sleep a night
64. You may think I don't understand what it is like to have your life, but trust me, I know more than you realise
65. A good book is the best escape
66. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing the rewards at the end of hard work
67. Don't be afraid to admit that you were wrong
68. The best way to find out about something is to ask
69. Some of the best fun in life can be had in a crowded elevator
70. Once you have children, time seems to speed up. Enjoy every moment you can with your child because they can't last forever
71. $3,000 is too much to pay for a handbag
72. Get your eyebrows done by a professional. It saves having to explain to people why you look so confused all the time
73. No matter what the magazines may tell you, you do NOT need plastic surgery
74. Make sure your bra and your shoes are fitted properly. It saves a lot of unnecessary pain
75. I don't care how they make it look in the movies, dancing in the rain isn't romantic, it's cold, wet and uncomfortable
76. Good friends are hard to find, treat them properly
77. Learn first aid. If your aunty hadn't done a course in CPR, you might not have made it past your first two weeks
78. Just because a person looks or acts differently, doesn't mean you shouldn't treat them the same as everyone else
79. The best way to end an argument is to start laughing
80. You were fearless as a baby, stay fearless as an adult
81. Try to learn at least one instrument. Music is one of the most beautiful things you can create
82. You will never be perfect. Accept this fact and move on
83. Learn to accept constructive criticism
84. Always accept compliments, but never expect them
85. We all have ugly days. The best way to fix them is put a smile on your face and just keep going
86. There are going to be times when life just feels too hard. You will get through it, and your family will always be here help you
87. Don't be afraid of being alone
88. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Always make sure you learn something from them though
89. You can't change other people, no matter how hard you try
90. There is a huge difference between a need and a want. Learn them well
91. Don't be afraid to dance as if no one is watching. Even if you are in the middle of a supermarket
92. Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably crap
93. Don't be afraid to shake hands like a man. There is nothing worse than someone with a weak, wobbly handshake
94. You are going to hate the fact that when you are a teenager I'm going to refuse to be your taxi service, maid and general dogsbody. But when you get out into the real world and realise that these services aren't free, and it's cheaper knowing how to do things by yourself, then you will thank me for this
95. You can do or be anything that you want to, as long as you are prepared to do the dirty work 
96. Never do something just to get attention. You will always get the unwanted kind if you do this
97. Learn to be sensible with your money. It can buy a lot of things, but not if you don't have any
98. Sometimes being a woman bites the big one. But the rest of the time you should be proud of being female and of everything that that means
99. One of the hardest things you will ever have to deal with is loss. It hurts and it sucks. But surround yourself with people who love you and care for you and everything will be OK in the end. 

And the last thing I want my daughter to know:

100. No matter what happens, you will always be my baby girl and I love you to bits and pieces