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Discussing a bag of melted chocolate malt balls with mum
Mum: It's all melted together. It's going to turn into...what's his name? Gorilla.
Mum: No, gorilla's not right, I mean Godzilla.
Mum to Miss K
That's not an answer, it's a nod. In a cup.
Me: I got spanked by a tram :(
Side note I actually did get hit by a slow moving tram, while trying to cross a road. Don't worry I wasn't hurt, he hit me in the caboose, so the extra padding there kept me safe.
Mum: So what is whole foods, other than not halved foods?
Sympathy from mum always makes a situation better. Too bad I never get any...
Miss K made a vase for me for Mother's Day, but it was meant to be a surprise. This conversation happened after watching a kids show where the presenter made a vase out of a plastic bottle.
Me: I love that vase, it's so pretty. Someone should make me a vase so I have somewhere pretty to put flowers...
Miss K: No, I'll just sit here, you make your own vase.
Miss K and I were lying in bed one morning waiting for the alarm to go off when this conversation happened.
Miss K: I'm going to be mum. Miss K, go back to sleep.
Me: No, I want a drink and bikky
Miss K: Here have Elmo. Now shush, I'm trying to sleep. (I don't know whether to be offended or impressed that she nailed it so perfectly)
Me: Look at that idiot speeding through a car park. Don't these things have speed limits?
Mum: Sometimes, but it's hard to enforce because they're private property and not roads.
Me: Could I make a citizen's arrest?
Mum: You're welcome to try.
Me: I've always wanted to make a citizen's arrest. Maybe it should go on my bucket list. Right after star in a music video.
An ad for Magic Mike XXL came on telly one night. This is the conversation that happened after.
Mum: Magic Mike 21? What?
Me: Did you seriously just read that as a roman numeral?
Mum: Well what does it mean then?
Me: It means extra, extra large.
Mum: Oh yeah. L isn't even the roman numeral for one...
My breasts have a mind of their own. And the ability to use technology.
Miss K and I went to visit my best friend for the afternoon this month. This conversation isn't even one of the most awkward ones we've had in his presence.
Miss K: Can I take my pants off please?
Me: No, leave them on, we're not at home right now.
Miss K: I'm going to take them off...
Me: For God's sake Miss K put those pants back on right now.
During that same visit, my best friend fell asleep on the couch. This happens on occasion, and it gives me the perfect opportunity to mess with Miss K, and wake him up at the same time.
Miss K: Mum, Frankie's asleep.
Me: Is he? Awesome, I'm going to give him a wet willy
Miss K: No, don't.
Me: Well then, I'm going to give him a noogie.
Miss K: NO!
Me: Well can I give him a wedgie then?
Miss K: Mum, just stop!
Me: That's it, I'm gonna do it.
Miss K: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
No one can sleep through an air raid siren.
So one of Miss K's many speech impediments means she can't say the word very. It always comes out as hairy, no matter how much I correct her. So I decided to have some fun one day.
Me: Miss K, can you say very balls?
Miss K: Hairy balls.
Me: Good girl. Now go tell grandma very balls.
20 seconds later I hear mum laughing in the kitchen before telling me off.
Miss K was throwing a tantrum in the back yard last week, and she started to walk stiff legged while ranting.
Me: What's wrong with your legs?
Miss K: They're boring.
This is why my dad no longer discusses cars with me. I can never take the conversation seriously.
And the winner for the weirdest sentence I have heard all month:-
Ben to Nat: You like penis because your nose is really smooth right now.
And now for some context, he was discussing Auslan, where the sign for penis is a downward stroke of the nose. Why Nat's nose was smooth never was explained to me, so even with context that is still a weird sentence.
Well that's about all the crazy I can fit into one blog post, be sure to visit everyone else and enjoy the show.