Me: Interesting fact, mouldy bananas smell like pee.
Mum: Hmmm, it's not that interesting.
Me: I think it's time to feed the cat. Shall we give him his dinner?
Miss K: Yes
Me: Ok you take Bertie to the laundry so we can feed him.
Me: NO DON'T THROW THE CAT!!!
The joys of summer
Mum: There is a fly in here and it's doing my head in (while looking around the lounge for the can of fly spray)
Me: It's in the kitchen, you want me to get it?
Mum: What, the fly is?
Me: Yes mum, the fly is in the kitchen. I'll bring it in here so you can squash it.
Number 2043 of things I never thought I'd have to say to my daughter
Me: MISS K, GET OUT OF THERE, THAT'S THE CAT'S TOILET!!!! Yes I scrubbed her hands with anti-bacterial soap right after this.
While scrubbing her hands after her excavation adventure in the cat litter box
Me: You can't touch the litter box because Bertie's poo has bugs in it. Do you want to get bugs?
Miss K: Yes.
Me: You do? Well too bad because I'm not letting you.
Number 4476 of things I'm tired of having to say to my daughter
Me: Would you stop licking me please? It's super gross.
One of Kim's friends commented that the way she was speaking about me was pretty mean. I had to inform him that when I'm not listening she tells her friends I'm the tattooed lesbian of the family. With sisters like this who needs enemies?
Listening into my sisters drunken phone calls
Kim: You never drink. Even if there's a fire.
Later on in the same conversation
Kim: Hey Anton, how's your small wang going?
Mum got a phone call. Afterwards she had to explain the reason for the call to me.
Mum: That was Kim on the phone. She asked me what that one wheeled thing in the garden is called?
Mum: A wheelbarrow. When I told her she cracked it because she's been calling it a wheelburra all these years, and Stacey finally corrected her tonight.
I was later informed by Kim that she also calls Soy Sauce sorry sauce, she can't say asbestos and she pronounces crayons crowns.
Me: There's a UV alert today from 9:10am to 5:40pm.
Mum: What's the time now?
Mum: Damn I've missed my chance to go outside naked without sunscreen on for the day.
I had sent Miss K to her room after one too many temper tantrums, and realised that her crying had stopped and there was now no noise coming from her room.
Me: It's quiet in there. Too quiet. Mutilating the kitten quiet. I'm going to go check on her.
Number 2044 of things I never thought I'd have to say to my daughter
Me: DON'T CLEAN THE POTTY WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!!!!
More pearls of wisdom from Kim
If I had to choose one word to describe you, it would be Matchbox 20.
In an attempt to get Miss K to form full sentences, we now prompt her with the words she needs to say, and she parrots them back to us one at a time. This was just too easy to turn around as a method of torture...
Miss K: Can
Miss K: I
Miss K: Have
Miss K: A
Miss K: NO NOT NOOGIE, DRINK!!!!!
(I'm hoping everyone knows what a noogie is, but just in case you don't, that's when you grab your victim and rub a knuckle across their head. Of course given my victim is 2 this is always done very gently.)
And lastly a photo. The other day my three year old niece slept at our place as her mum had an appointment in Melbourne to check out how her pregnancy is going along. During the day I sent Miss K and her cousin outside to play and left them to it. After a while I noticed it had gotten very quiet outside, which is unusual for both of these girls, so I had to go investigate. I'm glad I took pictures of them once I got them inside, because these are going to get pulled out every time she brings her friends home once she's a teenager.
Guess who decided to go digging in the dry and dusty garden?
You can't really tell from the photo, but my niece had a dirt mono brow, and there was not an inch of skin that wasn't covered in dirt. Needless to say I chucked them both in the shower and washed away the evidence before her parents could come pick her up. Of course not before snapping this picture and uploading it onto the internet thus incriminating myself anyway. Mother of the year!!!
Well that's all the madness I can fit into one post for now. I'll let you guys go on to the next website now. Tell them I say hi.
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The Rowdy Baker
com/ Just A Little Nutty
blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade
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