I should be in bed. I should be tucked up and snoring away like a big hairy bear. But I am too frustrated. After weeks and weeks of putting off my homework I have come to the horrible realisation that I should have spent my time more productively, because it turns out there are just some things that don't come naturally to me. And maths is one of them.
I'm actually almost finished my current unit. I'm down to the last assignment, but it's also the hardest. And the longer I plod away at it, the closer I feel to being 17 years old again. The same insecurity when I get a question wrong, the same paralysing frustration when things don't add up, and the same little voice inside my head asking me why I'm even bothering to try to succeed at something and FOR GOD'S SAKE WHY AREN'T THESE BALANCE SHEETS BALANCING?????
Today was one of those days where I was glad for the distraction that Miss K brings, instead of being frustrated like I normally am when she interrupts me. I don't think I yelled at her once all day. Of course it probably helps that grandma was the main boss today and I was just stepping in when she couldn't be in two places at once. And mum is talking about taking her out to visit my big sister tomorrow so that I can have the house to myself. I know I say this a thousand times, but I really am lucky to be the proud owner of the best mum in the world.
I think the thing that is stopping me the most is the fear. What if after all of the help my mum and my sisters have given me I turn around and fail at this? What if all of the days ignoring Miss K and neglecting the housework and basic hygiene have been for nothing? I know I should stop being so negative and hard on myself, especially since I have passed every unit so far, but self loathing is what I do best, so I'm going to indulge in it a bit thank you very much.
But given that it is almost one o'clock in the morning I really cannot accomplish anything more than worrying right now, so I'm going to give up for now and go to bed. Considering the assignments were due today I'm already late so worrying is just pointless. But if my balance sheets aren't balanced by the end of tomorrow, the person who invented double entry bookkeeping better start sleeping with one eye open.